Becoming Champions: giving Vanderbilt Football a national title-worthy roster


Vanderbilt has a history of baseball players playing football.

Vanderbilt’s football season has come to a close, and baseball season is still a few months away, but fear not, there’s still a good reason to write about the two. Jackson Martin of The Dirty South Sports Report and friend of the program and fellow baseball nut Andrew King (Vanderbilt, Class of 2013) have come together with me to draft the Vanderbilt baseball team to play football, giving Vanderbilt football the national title-worthy roster it deserves, but maybe not the one it needs.

The rules are simple: draft a team of nine players: 1 quarterback, 5 skill position players, 1 linebacker, 1 defensive back, and 1 kicker (baseball players aren’t really built like linemen). Draft order was determined by a random number generator.

(Hat tip to Andrew King for coming up with this idea by saying Ro Coleman should be Vanderbilt’s third running back after Jerron Seymour was kicked off the team.)

Round 1:

Jackson: Dansby Swanson – ATH

  • Jackson Notes: Started off my draft the right way, by taking a player from Georgia. Dansby is the best all-around athlete available, and I’m going to use him in a multitude of roles. My offensive scheme is built around getting the ball into the best player’s hands, so Dansby will be catching passes, taking handoffs and throwing passes to make sure he gets as many opportunities to put points on the board as possible. Think of him as my Kentucky-era Randall Cobb.
  • Andrew Notes: With Adam Ravenelle and Jared Miller in the pros, Dansby has the best lettuce on the team by far. That could get him picked in the top 3 rounds by itself, but the all-around tools push him over the top. Good pick.
  • Ben Notes: He’s pretty clearly the best player on the baseball team, and he’s athletic enough to be a very good receiver.

Andrew: Jeren Kendall – RB

  • Andrew Notes: The NFL isn’t a running back league anymore, but we aren’t in the NFL so screw it, I’m going with Jeren at RB. He’s fast enough to be a home run threat on every snap, can catch passes out of the backfield, and his hockey background suggests he can handle being hit with regularity. I’ll build my team around that.
  • Jackson Notes: Fastest player on the team. Excellent pick, though I might have used him at wideout instead of running back.
  • Ben Notes: I was going to take him with one of my two picks. Fastest guy on the team, and he played hockey in high school, so I’d guess he’s pretty tough. He’d be great at either receiver or running back.

Ben: Jordan Sheffield – WR

  • Ben Notes: Sheffield should have been the first pick in the draft easy. Have you seen his high school highlight reel? Plus with his arm, I’m sure we could run a ton of Antwaan Randle El-esque gadget plays to get him involved in the passing game. I’m pretty sure most plays are going to start with Sheffield swinging around on a reverse. Also he won the Omaha Challenge this year, so that’s something.
  • Jackson Notes: The player who I initially assessed as the first overall pick. He’s actually played football, and has a strong highlight tape already. Was very hard to pass on him.
  • Andrew Notes: Ah, good Vanderbilt memories…a wide receiver named Jordan as the cornerstone of a team. Hint: not referring to Mr. Cunningham.

Round 2:

Ben: Xavier Turner – RB

  • Ben Notes: I’m getting a 6’2” 220 running back who runs a 6.75 60 time (sixth on the baseball team among times I could find), and apparently he was recruited by Ohio State to play running back before he blew out his knee in high school. Most of my offense will be pounding the ball with X.
  • Jackson Notes: I do not envy anyone who has to tackle X. He will, in fact, give it to ya.
  • Andrew Notes: ^ Well said.

Andrew: Rhett Wiseman – WR

  • Andrew Notes: Watch his running catch against Texas to lead off the 10th inning of the CWS semifinals. Or his diving catch to lead off the 9th inning against Virginia in Game 3 of the CWS Finals. He’s fast, has good hands, and has pretty good size at 6’1” 205; can’t pass up players like that.
  • Ben Notes: Rhett’s shockingly fast (6.51 60) and has good size, but he’ll probably need to bulk up if he’s taking many shots over the middle. I don’t know how many players are better qualified to make crazy catches, though.
  • Jackson Notes: You know how we use the phrase “deceptively fast” to describe white guys who can burn people dowfield? Rhett’s not deceptively fast, he’s just fast.

Jackson: Ro Coleman – RB

  • Jackson Notes: Shifty back, he’s quicker than he is fast. Getting him the ball in space will be absolutely key for my offense, so expect to see him utilized much like Darren Sproles was for Kansas State. Also planning on using this play at least once.
  • Andrew Notes: I wonder if you only picked him because Tony Kemp wasn’t on the board. He’s quick, but I worry about his durability, so I wouldn’t have taken him as the primary back on a team.
  • Ben Notes: You might just be able to hide Ro behind the line on every play. Then again, he’s not going to be able to hits like X will at running back.

Round 3:

Jackson: Zander Wiel – LB

  • Jackson Notes: I need a quarterback for my defense. Zander is built like a linebacker, and fits into this role as well as anyone else in this draft does. Would have gone higher if linebacker was a more valued position.
  • Andrew Notes: Probably would have picked him as a TE, but he’d be a scary good linebacker too.
  • Ben Notes: Going defense this early? Bold.

Andrew: Will Toffey – DB

  • Andrew Notes: I sure as hell wouldn’t want a fast, 6’2” hockey player bearing down on me in the open field. It’s a no brainer plugging him in at DB to solidify the back end of my defense. Disclaimer: I’m by far the biggest hockey fan of the three of us, so it’s no surprise I’ve picked 2 former hockey standouts in the first 3 rounds.
  • Jackson Notes: Is there any reason so many of these guys played hockey in addition to baseball? Is that just a thing people do in the north? I always thought Tom Glavine was unique for being drafted in both MLB and the NHL.
  • Jackson note #2: You’re only the biggest hockey fan because my beloved Thrashers were taken from me. #RIPThrashers
  • Ben Notes: Toffey won two New England Prep National Championships in hockey, I’ll assume he’s a tough guy too. I could see him as a hard-hitting safety too probably because he’s got some of the best power on the baseball team.

Ben: Joey Mundy – LB

  • Ben Notes: Since we’re on a run of defensive players, I’ll take someone who actually played defense in high school. Mundy was an outside linebacker for a Huntington High School team that went 13-1 and only gave up 10.2 points per game his senior year. At 6’3” 215, he’s also one of the bigger guys on roster.
  • Andrew Notes: I don’t know anything about Joey Mundy, but choosing a linebacker to play linebacker seems reasonable.
  • Jackson Notes: Ben’s on a run of taking guys who actually played football in high school. It’s times like this where I feel like a little more research could have done wonders for my team.

Round 4:

Ben: Tyler Ferguson – TE

  • Ben Notes: Tight ends are going to be a big part of my offense, and Ferguson is a big dude at 6’3” 225. I assume I won’t need to do this, but I could use him as an emergency quarterback or even use him on trick plays.
  • Andrew Notes: You have 3 players on offense alone who could reasonably lay claim to being your starting quarterback (Buehler, Sheffield, Ferguson). If there’s anything we’ve learned from former Vanderbilt Offensive Coordinator Karl Dorrell, it’s that you can never play too many quarterbacks, right? Now if only you had a redshirt to burn…
  • Jackson Notes: I mean, these are baseball players we’re talking about. They throw balls as their job (you know, a job where a shadowy organization won’t allow you to be paid for doing your job). I kind of assume all of them would make for at least passable quarterbacks.

Andrew: Drake Parker – ATH

  • Andrew Notes: I’m building my offense around speed in the open field, and I just found my Dexter McCluster. Woohoo!
  • Jackson Notes: Got the second smallest guy on the team. I’m thinking you were jealous of my Ro Coleman pick after all?
  • Ben Notes: Parker could be really useful if you can get him free in open field. I’m personally a bigger fan of players with size, but Parker’s speed is definitely exciting.

Jackson: Tyler Green – TE

  • Jackson Notes: Absolutely cannot believe Green lasted this long. He’s the tallest guy on the team, and was drafted to play hockey — so he seems like a perfect fit at tight end.
  • Andrew Notes: I’m just excited that he and Ro are on the same team. Wouldn’t you love to see the biggest guy block for the smallest guy? Me too. And he’d be a beast in the red zone.
  • Ben Notes: I’m actually really upset you took Green here. I really wanted him and was going to use him with Ferguson in my twin tight end sets. Dude is a mountain of a man, although my only concern is his 7.25 60 time.

Round 5:

Jackson: Bryan Reynolds – WR

  • Jackson Notes: Bryan has some wheels, and he’s prototypical receiver size at 6’2, 195 pounds. He’s a guy who I trust to catch the ball and make plays in space, so this is an exciting player to get in the fifth round.
  • Andrew Notes: Probably would’ve been drafted sooner, but his moustache tool graded out as a 30 on the 20 to 80 scale and scouts were concerned it would keep him from reaching his full potential.
  • Ben Notes: How did Bryan last this long in the draft? He’s got size and speed and actually catches balls in baseball.

Andrew: Kyle Smith – LB

  • Andrew Notes: Serious size at 6’3” 220lbs, solid speed, and he’s strong like bull. Sure, I’ll slot him in at LB.
  • Ben Notes: Kyle would’ve been great for tight end or linebacker. I hope is defense in football is better than his defense in baseball, though.
  • Jackson Notes: Big dude, seems like a fit at linebacker.

Ben: Walker Buehler – QB

  • Ben Notes: Walker gets the edge over Carson Fulmer at quarterback for me because he has a couple inches on Carson, and I feel like as he fills out his 160-pound frame, he may gain a little more arm strength. He’s definitely going to be a pocket passer with a 7.65 60 time (!!!!), but I’m not too worried with his arm and my first couple picks on offense.
  • Jackson Notes: I’m surprised Walker lasted this long. Has a huge arm and his favorite TV shows are The League and Blue Mountain State, so you know he can ball.
  • Andrew Notes: His big arm and thin frame reminds me a lot of Wade Freebeck, who you may recognize as a recurring contestant on Karl Dorrell’s Musical Quarterbacks. The show got terrible ratings and has since been canceled. Can you tell I’m still bitter?

Round 6:

Ben: Penn Murfee – WR

  • Ben Notes: Penn hasn’t gotten to see much of the field yet in baseball, but he’s got a great size-speed combination at 6’2” and a 6.74 60 time (fourth fastest on the team among those listed). That’s about all I know about Penn to be honest.
  • Jackson Notes: Apparently everyone in his family is a competitive swimmer. I don’t know how well that’s going to translate to football, considering it’s played on land.
  • Andrew Notes: What is a Penn Murfee?

Andrew: Ben Bowden – TE

  • Andrew Notes: He has good size for a TE, and he played PF for his high school basketball team so I presume he’s got a halfway-decent vertical and can go up and make plays in traffic.
  • Ben Notes: Great size at 6’4” 220, which should play well at tight end. He was also the Gatorade Player of the Year in Massachusetts for Baseball, so that’s cool.
  • Jackson Notes: Ben Bowden is a rock-solid name for a tight end. Not quite Heath Miller good, but definitely up there.

Jackson: Aubrey McCarty – QB

  • Jackson Notes: My insane offensive plan has finally played out to perfection. McCarty is notable for being ambidextrous, a skill I will use to full effect as my quarterback. He’s going to be rolling out to both sides, adding a great wrinkle to our hurry-up spread scheme. He also went to Colquitt County High School in south Georgia, which is coached by Rush Probst (of Two-A-Days fame) and is currently the No. 3 high school team in the country. Go Packers.
  • Andrew Notes: Damn, I wanted McCarty. I don’t think I’ve ever seen an ambidextrous QB, and I would be so interested to see how it would work in the right scheme.
  • Ben Notes: No surprise Jackson, a fellow ambidextrous athlete*, takes McCarty.
  • Jackson Note #2: Not sure I like your tone there, Ben.

Round 7:

Jackson: Tyler Campbell – DB

  • Jackson Notes: Great size, great speed, dad is a professional wrestler. Tyler is basically the ideal free safety.
  • Andrew Notes: I honestly thought someone was going to pick him as their kicker. Not a knock on his athleticism, but he claims that riding a unicycle is his most unique talent, and that just strikes me as something a kicker would do.
  • Ben Notes: I have nothing bad to say about the College World Series hero.

Andrew: Nolan Rogers – WR

  • Andrew Notes: Wes Welker, welcome aboard.
  • Jackson Notes: There’s only ever been one NFL wide receiver ever with Nolan as a first name, and he caught just one pass in his career. What a terrible pick, Andrew.
  • Ben Notes: I debated for a long time between Rogers (to play either DB or wide receiver) and Murfee. I think I got the better athlete, but I could also see Rogers as a great slot receiver. Also, let it be known that Andrew took Kyle Wright first before switching his pick before I could swipe up Rogers.

Ben: Carson Fulmer – DB

  • Ben Notes: I don’t know if Carson fits well at any one position, since he’s a little short for quarterback at 5’11”, but he’s a high-energy guy, which makes me see him as a great safety.
  • Andrew Notes: Thank you for saving him from being a kicker, where he could’ve probably made field goals from 70 yards but would’ve lasted one made extra point or field goal before vigorously celebrating and pulling a Bill Gramatica.
  • Jackson Notes: I was definitely going to draft him as a kicker.

Round 8:

Ben: Kyle Wright – TE

  • Ben Notes: I couldn’t land Tyler Green, so I’ll settle for Kyle Wright as my second tight end. X will enjoy the extra blocking with the two-tight end sets, and Kyle may actually be a very good receiver with his size (6’4” 200) and speed (he ran track in high school). Plus even though he didn’t play football in high school, the fact that he’s from Alabama must help in some way.
  • Andrew Notes: In case you didn’t hear it enough during the CWS run last year: *Aaron Boone says something about Tim Corbin’s affinity for recruiting ultra-athletic guys*
  • Jackson Notes: Two tight ends? Looks like Ben is setting up a nasty-big power run game.

Andrew: Hayden Stone – K

  • Andrew Notes: Special teams are hugely important, and I probably gave more thought to this pick than any other, so bear with me. Relievers are like kickers: they’re an afterthought until late in the game, at which point they need to have nerves of steel because they know that “holy crap the outcome of this game and our season comes down to this.” Relievers also have a lot of time on their hands to develop eccentricities and amuse themselves by becoming good at random things…perhaps like kicking field goals. Don’t believe me? Last year, Adam Ravenelle excelled as Vanderbilt’s closer late in the season. He was also nearly perfect in mid-inning shenanigans field goal attempts, including this clutch kick at the CWS. Hayden is a prime candidate to take over in the 9th inning from the Ravenelle/Brian Miller duo, so he’s the clear choice at kicker.
  • Jackson Notes: Again, I was going to draft him at kicker. Relief pitchers are the specials teams players of baseball.
  • Ben Notes: Maybe Andrew figured out the new market inefficiency: drafting kickers before the last round.

Jackson: Liam Sabino – K

  • Jackson Notes: Y’all took both my kickers, so I resorted to Sabino — whose mom is from Brazil. I understand that I’m stereotyping here, but that seems like a safe bet for an average at worst kicker.
  • Andrew Notes: As long as you have a reason, who am I to judge?
  • Ben Notes: I’m very glad we’re breaking stereotypes here and drafting a non-white kicker.

Round 9:

Jackson: Karl Ellison – ATH

  • Jackson Notes: From the same city in Florida as Tim Tebow. Can you say intangibles? Much like Tebow, he’s probably best-suited to play tight end. HEYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOO.
  • Andrew Notes: Are those similar to Lunchables?
  • Ben Notes: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Andrew: Jason Delay – QB

  • Andrew Notes: Catchers have good arms, are tough as nails, and they’re basically an extension of the coaching staff on the field, which is precisely why I want a catcher to be my quarterback. Plus, Jason claims to be good at solving Rubix Cubes. If there’s anybody on this team I’d trust to decipher a defense, make good adjustments at the line of scrimmage, and quickly get the ball to my speedy playmakers in space, it’s him.
  • Ben Notes: I was kind of hoping to get Delay with my final pick since all the pitchers love him, and somehow my team is made up of mostly pitchers.
  • Jackson Notes: I’d laugh at you for drafting a catcher, but I just took one as an Athlete. So, uh, shit…

Ben: John Kilichowski – K

  • Ben Notes: Look, he’s lefty, and his name sounds close enough to Sebastian Janikowski that I think I might have just gotten the steal of the draft.
  • Andrew Notes: I wonder what John would look like sporting the signature Janikowski goatee-and-shaved-head look to complete the resemblance…probably equally terrifying.
  • Jackson Notes: Sure.

Team Rosters

Ben Andrew Jackson
QB: Walker Buehler QB: Jason Delay QB: Aubrey McCarty
RB: Xavier Turner RB: Jeren Kendall RB: Ro Coleman
WR: Jordan Sheffield RB/WR: Drake Parker WR: Dansby Swanson
WR: Penn Murfee WR: Rhett Wiseman WR: Bryan Reynolds
TE: Tyler Ferguson WR: Nolan Rogers TE: Tyler Green
TE: Kyle Wright TE: Ben Bowden TE: Karl Ellison
LB: Joey Mundy LB: Kyle Smith LB: Zander Wiel
DB: Carson Fulmer DB: Will Toffey DB: Tyler Campbell
K: John Kilichowski K: Hayden Stone K: Liam Sabino

Team Writeups:


At first, I was torn between a John Donovan-style offense and a Karl Dorrell-style offense, but after heavy consideration, I think I’ll choose a different path. I know this is college, but I’m going to base my offense off an improved 2003/04 Panthers squad. Much of my offense will revolve around giving the rock to Xavier Turner, who is built like an absolute workhorse (think Stephen Davis). Although pistol was little used back in the day, I could also see Jordan Sheffield (Steve Smith) set up in the backfield for a little pistol formation, which could get really creative since he’s a more-than-capable passer.

My main strategy in drafting was to take the best athletes who played football (Sheffield and Turner) and then grabbed a lot of size. Penn Murfee (Muhsin Muhammad) isn’t a burner, but he’s fast enough to cause matchup problems against defensive backs. Where this team gets fun is with the tight ends, who come in at 6’3” and 6’4”. The Panthers didn’t really have any good tight ends on their Super Bowl run, but Walker Buehler (good Jake Delhomme) may have his own Wesley Walls and Greg Olsen to work with in Tyler Ferguson and Kyle Wright.

Defensively, I’ve always been a proponent of a modified 3-4, which will play into my hands, since I’ll have as many Joey Mundy’s on defense as possible.

Much like the mid-2000s Steelers, there will be plenty of room in the playbook for gadget plays. The more times we get the ball in Sheffield’s hands the better. But we’ve also got a workhorse back, size, and very good athletes. I’m more than happy to just run it down your throat with Jerome Bettis.


I normally have a strong distaste for Pac 12 football, but there’s something captivating about watching Oregon boat-race people every week. My team is built with similar ideologies and boy will they put points on the board as games turn into a track meet. Speed is a killer, and that’s our biggest weapon. The 2011 Oregon team with LaMichael James at Halfback (Jeren Kendall), Kenjon Barner as the Slotback (Drake Parker), and De’Anthony Thomas at WR1 (Rhett Wiseman) is probably a good comparison for my squad, but I ended up with a QB in Delay who is not as fleet of foot as Darron Thomas was (update: as of 2013 Delay was clocked at 6.99s in the 60, which isn’t bad). That being said, I bet Delay would add a tough, physical element as a ball-carrier, perhaps closer to the Dak Prescott mold in that regard.

Sorry to disappoint, but you won’t find many wildcat formations, multiple QB sets, or exotic gadget plays here. We’re going to push the pace, force opponents to cover the entire width of the field, and test the stretched-out defense’s ability to make solo tackles in space. The offense will be slightly pass-heavy, so you can expect a lot of mid-range throws to generate yards after the catch, a healthy amount of pre-snap motion, a moving launch point to keep defenses guessing, and a variety of creative screens. Our personnel will make it tough to pound the ball up the middle consistently, so in the run game you’ll see a lot of zone-blocking, misdirection, and backs who are very active catching balls on both swing passes and wheel routes.

On a random note, I like Oregon’s option plays with a flared-out slotback, so we’ll do that a bunch. Why? Because this is my baseball-turned-football team dammit. Just like this.

On defense, we’ll play a base 4-2-5 like Gary Patterson’s TCU team to take advantage of our athletic, physical secondary which consists of 5 Will Toffey clones. We only drafted two players on defense, so that’s plenty of defensive scheming.


I come from the (gag) Urban Meyer school of thought when it comes to offenses — get the ball in your playmakers hands and give them a chance to make plays. That means I took a bunch of athletes who can line up in multiple positions and get the ball in different ways. We’ll utilize spread formations to get one-on-one matchups in space and terrorize the defense by mixing the run and the pass effectively. The closest current college offense to my ideal philosophy is probably Baylor — a team that uses the run to open up deep passes and especially leans on read-options and playaction passes to force the defense into leaving open space. We’ll definitely play an up-tempo style because I don’t think anyone else has the athletes to match up with my team.

Expect multiple guys to throw the ball on this team. We’re going to creatively use our ambidextrous quarterback to create extra separation and maximize the effectiveness of pop passes (a read-option that has the quarterback throw a pass instead of running if the receiver is uncovered). Dansby will also be taking snaps at quarterback — calling this the Wildcat is disingenuous because he has just as good an arm as our quarterback.

Deception is key in keeping a defense off-balance. Between the option plays, pop passes, playaction, six trick plays per game and our (listed height) 5’5” running back, I want the defense to not know where the ball is half the time. You can’t stop what you can’t see.

As for the defense, well, much like Bill Murray: I don’t play defense.

Categories: College Baseball, College Football | Leave a comment

Week 11 NFL Picks – A True American Hero

This is my first NFL picks column in three weeks because, well, I’ve been pretty lazy/busy. In the mean time, I’ve been 21-20 and made 110 apples, so I’m finally no longer in debt! I’m really starting to catch the hint that I should stop posting weekly picks if I want to pick well… does that mean I’m overthinking things when I write about each game?

Too late now, I’m writing this intro last.

As always, home teams are in CAPS, and here’s a run through of each section:

Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked Games are worth 5 apples.

Dunkin’ Donuts Plain Cake Games are worth 10 apples.

KFC Double Down Games are worth 20 apples.

Hickory Smoked Pulled Pork Lock o’ the Week is worth 50 apples.

Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked Games:

Titans (+11) over EAGLES
Yes, the Titans are second-to-last in the league in rush defense going up against one of the best rush attacks in the league, but I’m not about to give away double digit points to a team that lost by 33 last week.

COLTS (-14) over Jaguars
Here is a running list of things better than the Jaguars:
1. Florida men’s ability to not act like a Floridian
2. Brandon Knight’s clutch gene
3. Missouri High School principals
4. Cam Newton’s actually tweeting compared to his hacked tweeting
5. These Ice Bucket Challenges
6. Lance Stephenson’s ability to avoid cameras
7. Lance Stephenson’s rapping ability
8. Lance Stephenson’s ability not show off after a game-winner
9. Lance Stephenson’s accuracy slapping other people
10. Lance Stephenson’s accuracy slapping other people (on second thought this is pretty on point)

Rams (+4.5) over CHARGERS
After starting 5-1, it seems the Chargers have remembered their skill position players are Donald Brown, Branden Oliver, Malcom Floyd, Eddie Royal, and Keenan Allen.

NINERS (-9) over Injuns
With all this hubbub about benching RG3 for Kirk Cousins, Cousins turning out to be so bad he needed to be benched for Colt McCoy, and RG3 coming back and playing badly off the injury, you know Dan Snyder is going to draft Marcus Mariota or Jameis Winston.

SAINTS (-3.5) over Ravens
Obviously this isn’t the same Saints team as old, but I just can’t see them losing three straight home games, especially in prime time. Hope that fifth round pick they got for Darren Sproles was worth it.

Dunkin’ Donuts Plain Cake Games:

Browns (+3) over FALCONS
What a weird world we live in that the Browns are good and the Falcons are bad.

Jets (+3.5) over BILLS
This game isn’t going to be played in Buffalo because there’s too much snow and probably just shouldn’t be played at all to save us from three hours of awful football. Without a doubt the Ain’t Nobody Got Time For That Game of the Week.

Cardinals (+6.5) over SEAHAWKS
Serious question: Kurt Warner couldn’t be that much worse than Drew Stanton at this point, right?

BRONCOS (-7) over Dolphins
The great thing about picking Peyton Manning minus a big spread is that even if they lose, like last week against 9.5-point underdog Rams by 15, I’ll still be happy no matter what.

KFC Double Down Games:

Chiefs (-7) over RAIDERS
It’s honest-to-God sad to watch the Raiders. That’s all.

BEARS (-6) over Buccaneers
So this Marc Trestman experiment isn’t going very well. After starting 3-0 last year, the second-year head coach is now 9-14 and has adopted a baby to save his relationship with the team.

Packers (-9.5) over VIKINGS
After looking at the way Minnesota plays without Adrian Peterson, do you think he deserves the title Most Valuable Player?

Bengals (+1.5) over TEXANS
The Texans are 5-5 with wins against Washington, Oakland, Buffalo, Tennessee, and Cleveland. Color me completely unimpressed.


When you think of the Patriots, think of those actual patriots in 1776 or Captain America.

Cowboys (-3.5) over GIANTS
I think I’m picking against the Giants every week @turntuptina doesn’t make picks for me just to spite her.

Hickory Smoked Pulled Pork Lock o’ the Week:

PATRIOTS (-7) over Lions
A vote for the Patriots is a vote for America.

Overall Record: 79-77-4

Last Week: 7-7

Apple Total: 5

Apple Total Last Week: 0

Categories: NFL | Leave a comment

Week 9 NFL Picks – Johnny Halloween

No intro this week.

As always, home teams are no CAPS, and here are explanations for each of the officially unofficial sponsored sections of picks I have.

Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked Games are worth 5 apples.

Dunkin’ Donuts Plain Cake Games are worth 10 apples.

KFC Double Down Games are worth 20 apples.

Hickory Smoked Pulled Pork Lock o’ the Week is worth 50 apples.

Happy Halloween, Cleveland!

Happy Halloween, Cleveland!

Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked Games:

BROWNS (-6.5) over Buccaneers
Even if Brian Hoyer continues to play horribly, there’s no way Johnny Football will be in any condition to play after Halloweekend.

Cardinals (+3.5) over COWBOYS
Did you know that the Cardinals have a two game lead over the rest of the NFC West? Yes, they haven’t played Seattle yet, but they took care of San Francisco, Philadelphia, and San Diego. Give them a little more credit than worse-than-a-field-goal underdogs.

Rams (+10) over NINERS
What ever happened to Vernon Davis? He’s been banged up a bit, but he only has 34 catches on the year (34th among tight ends) for 142 yards (33rd). Really I’m just grumpy because my main fantasy team is 6th out of 12 in scoring yet somehow 0-8.

PATRIOTS (+3) over Broncos
I’ll probably miss this one, but I’ll be damned if I pick against Tom Brady at home against Peyton Manning and give up points.

Dunkin’ Donuts Plain Cake Games:

PANTHERS (+3) over Saints
The Saints are second-to-last in the NFL in pass defense, so expect Cam Newton to put on a bigger show tonight than either LeBron or Jameis.

BENGALS (-11) over Jaguars
Here is a running list of things better than the Jaguars:
1. The New Orleans Pelicans’ acting
2. Lamarr Houston’s dancing
3. That weird rendition of God Bless America last night
4. Wrecking Ball in G-Major
5. Danny Green’s social media acumen
6. Dirk Nowitzki’s drunk uncle impression
7. Dirk Nowitzki’s taser victim impression
8. Dirk Nowitzki’s impression of a student asking a question
9. Dirk Nowitzki’s dizzy zombie impression
10. Dirk Nowtizki’s impression of a dying and dead swan (you know what, just go watch the whole video)

Chargers (+2.5) over DOLPHINS
The Dolphins only beat the Jaguars by 14 last week, so I’ll count that one as a moral loss.

Ravens (-1.5) over STEELERS
Last week, Ben Roethlisberger was 40-49 for 522 yards with 6 touchdowns and no interceptions or sacks and got a 99.0 QBR. What on Earth do you need to do to get a 100? Or even a 99.5?

KFC Double Down Games:

Eagles (-2) over TEXANS
I’m afraid the Texans may have gone the way of the Cardinals when J.J. Watt said Zach Mettenberger disrespected the game by taking selfies. Guess I can’t pick them or root for them anymore.

Injuns (+1) over VIKINGS
Nine weeks into the season, it’s time to welcome back the Ain’t Nobody Got Time For That Game of the Week!

CHIEFS (-9.5) over Jets
Serious question: how much longer of a leash does Rex Ryan get? He hasn’t been good for 5 seasons and has the team looking like a laughing stock while still running his mouth.

Raiders (+15) over SEAHAWKS
Don’t call me crazy yet… the Raiders will probably be down 21 before scoring a garbage time touchdown with a minute left against the Seahawks third string secondary. Or, alternatively, Seattle hasn’t won a game by more than 10 points since Week 1.

Hickory Smoked Pulled Pork Lock o’ the Week:

Colts (-3) over GIANTS
If you’re wondering why I’m already in debt triple digit fruit, it’s because I keep missing these locks o’ the week. Like the Colts (-3.5) over the Steelers last week. So here is Andrew Luck’s one shot at redemption in my heart.

Overall Record: 58-58-4

Last Week: 7-8

Apple Total: -105

Apple Total Last Week: -75

Categories: NFL | 1 Comment

Week 8 NFL Picks – Go Fund Yourself

I took a week off from writing my weekly picks since I was in Gatlinburg, and my picks didn’t go especially well. Irregardless, I’m back guns blazin’ with my Week 8 picks.

As always, home teams are no CAPS, and here are explanations for each of the officially unofficial sponsored sections of picks I have.

Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked Games are worth 5 apples.

Dunkin’ Donuts Plain Cake Games are worth 10 apples.

KFC Double Down Games are worth 20 apples.

Hickory Smoked Pulled Pork Lock o’ the Week is worth 50 apples.

Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked Games:

Chargers (+9) over BRONCOS

COWBOYS (-10) over Injuns
South Park has been absolutely on point this season (and has been especially good about tying all the episodes together), but none have been better than the season premier, Go Fund Yourself, about the Washington football team’s name.

Zach Mettenberger: starting NFL quarterback or trailer trash? Or both?

Zach Mettenberger: starting NFL quarterback or trailer trash? Or both?

CHIEFS (-7) over Rams
Zac Stacy was only given one snap and zero touches last week, so effectively now, I’m boycotting the Rams.

Texans (-3.5) over TITANS
I’m currently writing these picks from a FOX Sports truck in LP Field, and it’s bizarrely foggy in Nashville. There’s no way I’m betting on Zach Mettenburger if there are anything less than perfect conditions.

BENGALS (+2) over Ravens
Please don’t dress up as something stupid for Halloween.

Dunkin’ Donuts Plain Cake Games:

Lions (-3.5) over Falcons (in London)
Fun fact: the Falcons don’t know where London is. If they don’t show up, would that be a forfeit? In that case shouldn’t I switch my pick to Falcons (+3.5) since there will be no scoring in this non-existent game?

PATRIOTS (-6) over Bears
Never count out Touchdown Tom, unless you’re doing a QB sneak from your own 1-yard line.

Bills (+3) over JETS
Yeah I’m not going to give points and take Geno Smith and the Jets.

Vikings (+2.5) over BUCCANEERS
Yeah I’m not going to give points and take Josh McCown and the Bucs.

Raiders (+6.5) over BROWNS
Yeah I’m not going to give points and take Brian Hoyer and the Browns.

KFC Double Down Games:

Eagles (+1.5) over CARDINALS
The Eagles are coming off a bye week, and the Cardinals already had theirs in Week 4. Who needs a bye after three games??

Dolphins (-6) over JAGUARS
Here is a running list of things better than the Jaguars:
1. Leonard Fournette’s helmet
2. Kentucky’s tackling
3. This guy’s driving skills
4. High school football teams’ welcomeness to freshmen
5. Alexis Normand’s singing
6. Joakim Noah’s free throw stroke
7. Joakim Noah’s manners
8. Joakim Noah’s dancing skills
9. Joakim Noah’s hair
10. Joakim Noah’s ability to not look like a completely stereotypical pothead

Packers (+2) over SAINTS
Which city would you rather spend a weekend in: Green Bay or New Orleans?

Seahawks (-5) over PANTHERS
The Panthers might be really bad, who knows? But I keep picking the Panthers this year, and I figure maybe their fortunes will turn around if I pick against them.

Hickory Smoked Pulled Pork Lock o’ the Week:

Colts (-3.5) over STEELERS
I really don’t have anything to add for this game, so this is your Who Cares Game of the Week. Indianapolis and Pittsburgh just seem like the most boring cities.

Overall Record: 51-50-4

Last Week: 6-8-1 (5-10)

Apple Total: -30

Apple Total Last Week: -5 (-90)

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Week 6 NFL Picks – The Return(t) of Tina

I know plenty of you were wondering why I didn’t post any picks last week, and there’s a good reason. After my Week 4 picks went the way of the Titanic and I lost 95 apples on a 4-8-1 record, I knew there was only one person to turn to: huge Giants fan and noted ridiculous person Cristina Dafonte.

Unfortunately due to things like “homework” and “meetings” and “leave me alone I have to make a philanthropy banner by myself” @turntuptina was not able to make picks last week, so I cancelled the weekly column. Sure, I did do well picking Week 5, finding my way back into the black on the season, but her posts usually get more clicks than mine do anyway.

In case you don’t remember, Tina went 17-11-3 last year in two weeks of picks and made me 85 apples (including nailing the Giants games twice for the Lock o’ the Week). Her picks were also two of my top five most viewed NFL picks of last year, and the only reason she doesn’t have the most viewed post is because my Week 12 picks entitled Big Daddy Indonesia gets several new clicks per month from Indonesia.

Without further ado, here are Tina’s Week 6 picks with home teams are in CAPS. All of the commentary on the games below are direct quotes and words in parenthesis are my responses. Lastly, here’s an explanation for each of the categories of games:

Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked Games are worth 5 apples.

Dunkin’ Donuts Plain Cake Games are worth 10 apples.

KFC Double Down Games are worth 20 apples.

Hickory Smoked Pulled Pork Lock o’ the Week is worth 50 apples.

Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked Game:

Steelers (-2) over BROWNS
I know the Steelers are better than the Browns. Right? I find it hard to care.

TITANS (-5.5) over Jaguars
Here is a running list of things better than the Jaguars:
1. Stephen Tulloch’s dancing skills
2. Cole Adrich’s teeth
3. Adam Levine’s ability to find a nice girl
4. Madison Bumgarner’s ability to pour beer into his mouth
5. Yasiel Puig’s ability to open beer with his hands
6. Corbin’s ability to control his excitement
7. Corbin’s ability to fit in a car
8. Corbin’s ability to pick a good team to root for
9. Corbin’s drinking problem
10. Corbin’s willingness to let his owner* play with his balls (*not actually Tina’s dog)
Ravens (-3) over BUCCANEERS
The Ravens are the favorite, and they’re not going to win by only 2.
RAMS (+3.5) over Niners
Zac Stacy is on the Rams. I’m going to pick the Rams.
Dunkin’ Donuts Plain Cake Game:
TEXANS (+3) over Colts
I’m doing this to make Beth happy.
CARDINALS (-3.5) over Injuns
Without RG3, the [redacted] are horrendous. I hate the [redacted].
VIKINGS (+1.5) over Lions
I’m going with a safe underdog pick
Packers (-3.5) over DOLPHINS
Because Jay Cutler. Isn’t he the quarterback of Green Bay. (No.) Who’s the quarterback of Green Bay? (Aaron Rodgers.) Oh his brother went here. The Vanderbilt connection is confusing.
Panthers (+7) over BENGALS
We’ll go with Carolina. Make Ben a happy camper. Also fuck Groll.
KFC Double Down Game:
FALCONS (-3) over Bears
I’m a new-founded Atlanta fan thanks to Beth and Morgan. Also, Morgan’s favorite player is Julio Jones (pronounced Jew-lio) not Julio Jones.
Broncos (-8.5) over JETS
If there’s one thing I learned about picking games last year, it’s don’t pick the Jets.
Patriots (-3) over BILLS
My cousin goes to all the Bills games, and her pictures are so fucking annoying.
Chargers (-7) over RAIDERS
Kayla, I love you, but the Raiders are going to lose.
SEAHAWKS (-8) over Cowboys
I’m going with the Seahawks because it’s against my religion to pick the Cowboys, but I want it to be known that I am in no way a fair-weather Seahawks fan.
We believe in Eli Manning.

We believe in Eli Manning.

Hickory Smoked Pulled Pork Lock o’ the Week:

Giants (+2.5) over EAGLES
Does there need to be an explanation? My apologies to JMatt. I’m sorry that you got picked by such a shitty team.
Overall record: 40-32-3Last week: 8-5-1 (4-8-1)

Apple Total: 65

Apple Total Last Week: 90 (-95)

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Week 4 NFL Picks – Who is Alfred Blue?

Panthers had to ruin my good week by losing the Hickory Smoked Pulled Pork Lock o’ the Week. I really aught to come up with a less absolute name than that… Anyway here are my Week 4 Picks, the first week of byes.

Home teams are in CAPS, and as always, here’s an explanation for each of the categories of games:

Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked Games are worth 5 apples.

Dunkin’ Donuts Plain Cake Games are worth 10 apples.

KFC Double Down Games are worth 20 apples.

Hickory Smoked Pulled Pork Lock o’ the Week is worth 50 apples.

Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked Game:

Saints (-3) over COWBOYS
R.I.P. Dez Bryant, he died for all of our sins. But mostly the Cowboys’ sins.

Eagles (+5) over NINERS
I may or may not be upset that I left Vernon Davis in my lineup last week while Frank Gore only got 1 points and I lost by 4.6 points.

INJUNS (-3.5) over Giants
Did I ever mention that DeSean Jackson is the best?

CHARGERS (-13) over Jaguars
Here is a running list of things better than the Jaguars:
1. Charlie Manuel’s teeth
2. Phil Hughes’ luck
3. Mario Balotelli’s haircut
4. Nelly’s credit card’s utility
5. Nicki Minaj’s gastrointestinal health
6. Peyton Manning’s ability to deal with kids
7. Peyton Manning’s clutch game
8. Peyton Manning’s patience towards younger players
9. Peyton Manning’s ability to not be a thug
10. Peyton Manning’s face (did you really think I wouldn’t include this on the list?)
Dunkin’ Donuts Plain Cake Game:
RAIDERS (+4) over Dolphins
It’s a good thing the Raiders and Dolphins are coming to London because Europeans should be used to low-scoring, boring football by now.
TEXANS (-3) over Bills
Pop Quiz: Is Alfred Blue A) the Texans’ starting running back last week with Arian Foster out with a hamstring injury B) Egbert Nathaniel Dawkins III’s original stage name before choosing Aloe Blacc or C) the author of the science-fiction book The Demolished Man? If you guessed C, you’re close. That’s Alfred Bester. If you guessed B; you’re just wrong.
Lions (-1.5) over JETS
If Eric Decker is out again, do you think you could name any two other Jets receivers? I know I can’t.
Le'Veon Bell and LeGarrette Blount's dominating performances last week may have been enough to turn Pennsylvania's opinion on marjiuana.

Le’Veon Bell and LeGarrette Blount’s dominating performances last week may have been enough to turn Pennsylvania’s opinion on marjiuana.

STEELERS (-7.5) over Buccaneers

Through three quarters, the Falcons-Bucs game last year looked like a score out of Backyard Football where the Falcons got all the power ups.
KFC Double Down Game:
BEARS (+1.5) over Packers
Here is a list of wide receivers taken before Alshon Jeffery in the 2012 NFL Draft: Michael Blackmon, Michael Floyd, Kendall Wright, A.J. Jenkins, Brian Quick, and Stephen Hill. Floyd and Wright both have far less receiving yardage than Jeffrey, and the rest are essentially cast-offs. Blackmon only played 4 games last year because of injuries and a suspension and likely won’t join the Jaguars this year after getting arrest again this summer for marijuana possession. Jenkins has yet to eclipse 150 career receiving yards and has already been traded, Quick has yet to go reach 20 receptions in a year, and Hill is now on the Panthers’ practice squad.
COLTS (-7.5) over Titans
Sure, the Titans are second in the NFL in pass defense, but that’s because teams they’re playing are so far up they just run the ball for three-quarters of their plays.
Patriots (-3.5) over CHIEFS
*covers ears* la la la I can’t here you la la la Tom Brady isn’t on a clear downward spiral la la la
Panthers (+3.5) over RAVENS
Steve Smith has been waiting six months for this game. And he specifically picked a team that was playing the Panthers this year. There will be blood and guts everywhere.
Hickory Smoked Pulled Pork Lock o’ the Week:
Falcons (-3) over VIKINGS
Took the Vikings long enough to pick Teddy Bridgewater as their starting quarterback (but only because Matt Cassel got hurt). They’ll still need a real running back and upgrades at at least five other positions before competing with middling teams like the Falcons, though.Overall record: 28-19-1Last week: 10-6

Apple Total: 70

Apple Total Last Week: 5

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Week 3 NFL Picks – An All Texans Fantasy

Two weeks in, and I’m in the black. Let’s keep the good luck rolling.

Home teams are in CAPS, and as always, here’s an explanation for each of the categories of games:

Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked Games are worth 5 apples.

Dunkin’ Donuts Plain Cake Games are worth 10 apples.

KFC Double Down Games are worth 20 apples.

Hickory Smoked Pulled Pork Lock o’ the Week is worth 50 apples.

Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked Game:

FALCONS (-6.5) over Buccaneers
How is this game primetime and Seahawks-Broncos is not? We have the great matchup of a team that lost to Austin Davis and a team that lost by two touchdowns to the Bengals last week, so I’ll be doing anything but watching this game on Thursday.

SEAHAWKS (-5) over Broncos
Speaking of the Super Bowl XLVIII rematch, the Seahawks won their last matchup by 35, and this line is 5 points. Silly Vegas, you don’t even know how to make a line.

Raiders (+14.5) over PATRIOTS
I hate lines like this. The Raiders are bad but could very easily score a touchdown with a minute left to cut a 21-point deficit to 14 points and cover. Don’t bet on this game.

BROWNS (+1.5) over Ravens
Any game in the AFC North that doesn’t include the Bengals is probably going to be the Who Cares Game of the Week.

EAGLES (-6.5) over Injuns
I’m starting to think the Eagles could go 8-8 and win their division. Now they’re a whole lot more talented than that, but the rest of the division is more bleak than RG3’s future.

Dunkin’ Donuts Plain Cake Game:

Chargers (+2.5) over BILLS
Honestly I’m surprised a team that took down the defending champions isn’t getting more respect. This is the first of four games the rest of the way this week that I pick the underdog but would still take them even if the line was flipped around.

BENGALS (-7) over Titans
I watched the Titans game last week while keeping stats for the FOX Sports broadcast (humblebrag), and the Titans looked impossibly bad. Until further notice, I’ll be picking against them every week, especially when they play playoff teams like the Bengals.

SAINTS (-10.5) over Vikings
Pop Quiz: Is Matt Asiata A) the Vikings’ new starting running back with Adrian Peterson placed on the exempt list B) one of the featured artists on Ne-Yo’s new album Non Fiction or C) my Politics and Mass Media professor? Well since this quiz is under the Vikings game, I really hope you picked A.

Screen Shot 2014-09-17 at 4.55.00 PM

Jay Cutler got absolutely level by Quinton Dial last week. Also fun fact: he went to Vanderbilt.

Bears (+3) over JETS
Pop Quiz: Is Devonte Hynes A) the Bear’s new nickelback with Charles Tillman out for the season B) one of the featured artists on Tinashe’s upcoming album Aquarius or C) the full name of Keegan-Michael Key’s MADtv character? Trick question he’s a singer!

Texans (-2.5) over GIANTS
Some guy drafted a team of all Texans for his fantasy team and managed to win in Week 1, so colored me shocked he didn’t go 0-16. That got me thinking: what team would make the best fantasy team? It’s got to be Denver, Green Bay, or New Orleans, right?

KFC Double Down Game:

Cowboys (-1) over RAMS
I thought Vegas was supposed to to favor Dallas more because the Cowboy faithful will always bet on their team…

Colts (-7) over JAGUARS
Here is a running list of things better than the Jaguars:
1. Morehead State students’ dunking skills
2. Hardin Valley High School’s screen pass
3. Mr. Met’s new haircut
4. Arkansas State’s trick plays
5. MLB’s Photoshopping skills
6. Andrew Bynum’s hair
7. Andrew Bynum’s hair
8. Andrew Bynum’s hair
9. Andrew Bynum’s hair
10. Andrew Bynum’s hair oh wait he actually wore something normal for once

Chiefs (+4.5) over DOLPHINS
I’m not ready to live in a world where losing to the Bills by 19 leads to you getting favored by a likely playoff team by more than a field goal.

Packers (+2) over LIONS
Among the awful things said this week, Jameis Winston is getting the most press, but Reggie Bush takes the cake (in my opinion) for the straight up dumbest thing to say.

Niners (-3) over CARDINALS
Honestly I thought Drew Stanton was Drew Henson, but it won’t matter who’s under center against the Niners.

Hickory Smoked Pulled Pork Lock o’ the Week

PANTHERS (-3.5) over Steelers
This line makes so little sense to me that I’m worried I’m missing something. Did Cam Newton re-aggravate his back injury? Did Luke Kuechley join a human trafficking ring? What am I missing??!

Overall record: 18-13-1

Last week: 10-6

Apple Total: 65

Apple Total Last Week: 85

Categories: NFL | 1 Comment

Week 2 NFL Picks – Donkey Kong Suh

After one week of making picks, I got most of them right. Eight out of 15 to be exact. Of course, I missed the inaugural Hickory Smoked Pulled Pork Lock o’ the Week, so I lost 20 apples on the week.

There aren’t even any big lessons to be learned because the games I missed were a good mix of road dogs (2), road favorites (1), home dogs (3), and home favorites (1). Take more underdogs I guess?

Anyway, I’ll be keeping up the key to my picks for the rest of the season to avoid confusion about what my different sections mean.

Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked Games are worth 5 apples.

Dunkin’ Donuts Plain Cake Games are worth 10 apples.

KFC Double Down Games are worth 20 apples.

Hickory Smoked Pulled Pork Lock o’ the Week is worth 50 apples.

Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked Game:

Steelers (+2.5) over RAVENS
I said it last week, but I don’t think either team is that good. My usual rule of thumb (when these teams were good) was to take the points every time, so now that they’re both average at best, I think I’ll stick with that strategy.

BILLS (+1) over Dolphins
After watching Kenny Trill Hill play two weeks in row and hearing about Kyle Allen, there’s a really strong possibility that the Dolphins drafted the worst Texas A&M quarterback in a decade to be their franchise QB.

Chiefs (+13.5) over BRONCOS
Before we anoint the Broncos the supreme rulers of the universe, can we let them have one decisive victory? Denver almost blew at 24-0 lead at home.

Jets (+8.5) over PACKERS
Did you see the Jets’ offense look competent last week?? Sure, it was against the Raiders, but they averaged 6.2 yards on the ground and Geno Smith had a very un-New York quarterback game with only one interception.

NINERS (-7) over Bears
I really want to like the Bears with the combination of Jay Cutler (did you know he went to Vanderbilt??) and his big receivers (Brandon Marshall, Alshon Jeffrey, and Martellus Bennett) plus Matt Forte, but the team did not look great against the Bills. They got sliced up for 193 yards on the ground and turned it over three times. Once they face a real run game and real defense, they had better show last week was a fluke.

Dunkin’ Donuts Plain Cake Game:

INJUNS (-6) over Jaguars
Here is a running list of things better than the Jaguars:
1. Antonio Brown’s hurdling skills
2. This bear’s ability to play golf
3. Arizona State fraternities’ taste in party themes
4. The Dodgers’ defense
5. Josh McCown’s improvisation skills
6. Chris Bosh’s photobombing
7. Chris Bosh’s photobombing
8. Chris Bosh’s photobombing
9. Chris Bosh’s photobombing
10. Chris Bosh’s photobombing while holding his daughter after a game

Cowboys (+3.5) over TITANS
Jake Locker made it through one regular season without getting hurt, so the Titans are really just in the black for the rest of the way.

Seahawks (-6) over CHARGERS
Seattle and San Diego are two of my favorite cities in the US. I could work with 60-70 year round temperatures. However, I could not live with the Chargers’ defense. They were last in the NFL in defensive DVOA last year, and after Eric Weddle and Brandon Flowers, I’m not sure I’d want another one of their players starting for me.

Eagles (+3) over COLTS
In the first half last week, the Eagles trailed the Jaguars 17-0, and Chip Kelly lost his genius moniker. Then they out-scored Jacksonville 34-0 in the second half, and Chip Kelly was a genius again. For my own sake as a Darren Sproles fantasy owner, I’m banking on him still being a genius.

Saints (-6.5) over BROWNS
Did anyone else know Isaiah Crowell was still playing football? I assumed after he got kicked off of Georgia’s team he’d go the way of Maurice Clarrett.

KFC Double Down Game:


This picture is too good not to post

Texans (-3) over RAIDERS
With Derek Carr vs. Ryan Fitzpatrick and no Jadeveon Clowney because of potholes in NRG Stadium, this is definitely the Who Cares Game of the Week.

PANTHERS (-3) over Lions
In today’s media session, Cam Newton kept reiterating that he’s “trying to find ways to stay protected by Donkey Kong Suh” and said it with a straight face. That’s some serious shade. I’m taking the Panthers.

BUCCANEERS (-5) over Rams
Pop Quiz: Is Austin Davis A) the newest teen country star B) the lead actor for new Disney Channel show “Girl Meets World” or C) the Rams new starting quarterback.

Falcons (+5) over BENGALS
I’m going to ride out the Falcons to start the year because I think people/Vegas are underrating them coming off an extremely disappointing 4-12 season. (Yes, I know I picked against them last week.)

Cardinals (-2.5) over GIANTS
I’m going to ride out picking against the Giants to start the year because I think people/Vegas are overrating them for winning two stupid Super Bowls with their stupid quarterback. (Yes, I know I picked them last week.)

Hickory Smoked Pulled Pork Lock o’ the Week

Patriots (-3) over VIKINGS
Give me Tim Brady vs. Matt Cassel, I’ll take the older guy every time.

Overall record: 8-7-1

Last week: 8-7-1

Apple Total: -20

Apple Total Last Week: -20

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Week 1 NFL Picks – The Washington Injuns

Welcome back to my weekly NFL picks, the column you mostly come to see which ten awful things that are still better than the Jacksonville Jaguars.

As you (may or) may not remember, I’ve been using a complicated system for my picks the last two years, weighting each game differently. I bet a certain amount of apples on each game because, of course, betting money on sports is illegal in the United States.

We have the Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked Games, which are worth 5 apples.

We have the Dunkin’ Donuts Plain Cake Games, which are worth 10 apples.

We have the KFC Double Down Games, which are worth 20 apples.

And finally, we have the Hickory Smoked Pulled Pork Lock o’ the Week, which is worth 50 apples.

(I’m still waiting on my checks from my sponsorship companies. I think they may have gotten lost in the mail.)

The math is tough, but you’ll have to hang in here. Basically, the more confident I am, the more apples I’ll wager. I’m very unclear how I did last year because I didn’t make picks every week but I went 123-113-8 but lost 320 apples. That’s sort of what happens when you go 6-9-1 in the 50 apple games.

Really, one of the main reasons I saved face and was even that good was because friend of the program Cristina Dafonte (AKA @turntuptina) picked for me twice and went 17-11-3 and made me 85 apples. She will undoubtedly be back later this season for a guest appearance.

Without further ado, let’s get this season going strong. Home teams in CAPS.

Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked Game:

Raiders (+5) over JETS
I’m honestly not too sure how many worse quarterback matchups we’ll get this year than Derek Carr vs. Geno Smith. I honestly feel sorry for anyone watching this game.

SEAHAWKS (-5.5) over Packers
This will always be one of my favorite games because it brings back great memories of the replacement refs. I still like to yell “TOUCHDOWN SEAHAWKS!” and no one seems to remember it. I’m setting the over/under on mentions of that game at 2.5.

Chargers (+3) over CARDINALS
I must have lost at least four Locks o’ the Week last year betting against the Cardinals, so I figured I’d start off the new season picking against them again.

COWBOYS (+5) over Niners
I’m still legitimately upset that the Cowboys didn’t draft Johnny Football. It would have been the best thing to ever happen to sports. ESPN would set up a third headquarters in Dallas and have an entire network devoted to Johnny Football, Tony Romo, and Jerry Jones. Such a shame. And it almost happened, too.

Giants (+6) over LIONS
The line’s a little too high for me to pick the Lions, but the Giants might be a big mess this year. They were 29th in rushing last year, and now their leading rushers are Rashad Jennings and Peyton “Wait how did he ever get on the cover of Madden” Hillis.

Dunkin’ Donuts Plain Cake Game:

Vikings (+3.5) over RAMS
Poor Sam Bradford. Two straight knee injuries to end his seasons. You’d think he could pay someone to give him bionic knees with that $86 million contract he got.


I’d just like to take this time to re-post one of my favorite Onion articles of all time.

TEXANS (-3) over Injuns
Lots of different publication are protesting the Redskins name in different ways. The Washington Post editorial board and New York Times will no longer print the name. Bill Simmons only writes Washington. I thought about naming different tribes of American Indians for every week in reference to that great commercial that ran during the Super Bowl, but instead I’m going with a slightly less offensive name than the Redskins: the Injuns.

Saints (-3) over FALCONS
The Falcons’ offensive line wasn’t great to start with, and then left tackle Sam Baker suffered a season-ending injury. I still like them, but not that much.

Browns (+6.5) over STEELERS
The Steelers aren’t as good as you’d think, and the Browns aren’t as bad as you’d think. Remember, Cleveland is returning four Pro Bowlers (not including Josh Gordon), signed Karlos Dansby, Donte Whitner, and Ben Tate, and had two first-round picks. This could be a shockingly good team once they finally give Johnny Football the ball.

BRONCOS (-7.5) over Colts
I don’t know if any team will be able to beat the Broncos this year. Did you see everyone they added? They might be unstoppable. This definitely isn’t a reverse jinx. Nope.

KFC Double Down Game:

Panthers (+2.5) over BUCCANEERS
I can’t get behind a team led by Josh McCown being protected by Anthony Collins, Logan Mankins, Evan Dietrich-Smith, Patrick Omameh, and Demar Dotson. Also is it crazy to say that the Panthers may have a better receiving corp with Kelvin Benjamin, Jerricho Cotchery, and Jason Avant compared to Steve Smith, Brandon LaFell, and Ted Ginn?

BEARS (-7) over Bills
Did you know that Jay Cutler went to Vanderbilt?

EAGLES (-10.5) over Jaguars
Here is a running list of things better than the Jaguars:
1. The NFL’s suspension policies on drugs and domestic abuse
2. Taylor Swift’s dancing in the Shake It Off music video
3. The Arkansas-Little Rock athletic director’s filter
4. This woman in a Hawaiian shirt’s quintette
5. People who have posters of Django chained up in their room
6. Jacksonville’s divorce rate
7. Jacksonville’s job market
8. Jacksonville’s happiness
9. Jacksonville’s drinking water
10. Jacksonville’s safety for its pedestrians who are walking back after spending three miserable hours watching their train wreck of a team

Bengals (+2) over RAVENS
This line doesn’t make much sense to me. The Ravens weren’t particularly good last year, and the Bengals were. In fact, only three teams (Denver, Seattle, and San Francisco) had better point differentials than Cincy.

Patriots (-5) over DOLPHINS
This reeks of classic Patriots crapping the bed to open the season, eeking out a 1-point win over an underwhelming Dolphins team. So I’m taking the Patriots to win big.

Hickory Smoked Pulled Pork Lock o’ the Week

Chiefs (-4) over TITANS
I’m also legitimately upset that the Titans didn’t draft Johnny Football. Every night I go downtown, there would be a not-insignificant chance I would see Johnny on Broadway, AND NOW THAT DREAM IS RUINED. Well, except for the weekend of October 5th, when, of course, I’ll be in Athens watching Vanderbilt get throttled by Georgia. Thanks, Obama.

Overall record: 0-0

Last week: 0-0

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Top 20 Usher Songs

Last summer I broke my streak of only writing about sports to give my Top 20 list of Kanye West songs. I had a lot of fun doing it, and apparently enough people liked reading it because it’s now my 12th-most read post ever.

Now it’s Usher’s turn.

Kanye is the greatest artist of our generation, but Usher was the first artist I ever saw live (with my good friends Reed Payne and Ryan Melton), and he put on the greatest performance I’ve ever seen in concert. The best part was undoubtedly when he brought a girl on stage and sang Trading Places on top of her.

Making a Top 20 list was pretty difficult (I’d love to see all your lists too) because I had to leave off some really good songs. U Remind Me, My Boo, Scream, OMG, and More, just to name a few.

And like last time, if you don’t want to read about my musical preferences, that’s just too bad. Skip this post.

Of course, this is my personal list of favorite Usher songs that are going to be different than everyone else’s. Everyone has their own personal preferences, so I don’t expect you to love every one of my picks. The real point of this post is to start a discussions about some of the best songs of the past decade plus.

20. Euphoria

Looking 4 Myself — 2012

Looking 4 Myself – 2012

Euphoria is definitely more of a new-school Usher song since he teamed up with Swedish House Mafia to make it more or less an EDM song instead of just relying on his vocals. This song is a lot of fun, and I like what Usher did on his latest album, Looking 4 Myself, which is why I have this song in over older classics like My Boo and U Remind Me.


“Cause the fire don’t fear the water
And the night don’t fear the thief
It’s just you and me together
Here we are, we are, we found euphoria”

“Re-introduction to a feeling I don’t wanna know
Yeah I been running but it caught me somehow
The rule was never fall in love, I did it anyway
You make my heart beat keep pumping
Why the hell you turn it up so loud?”

Favorite Part of the Music Video:

There is no music video. Sad.

19. DJ Got Us Fallin’ In Love


Raymond v. Raymond – 2010

This song cracks my top 20 despite featuring Pitbull, which is a feat in and of itself. DJ Got Us Fallin’ In Love didn’t quite peak as high as fellow Raymond v. Raymond song OMG (#4 versus #1), but I’ve always thought OMG had a bit more annoying lyrics. This song isn’t particularly deep, but the hook is infectious, Usher can really sing, and just like Euphoria, it’s a lot of fun.


“Yeah baby tonight, the DJ got us fallin’ in love again
So dance, dance like it’s the last, last night of your life, life
Gon’ get you right”

“Keep downing drinks like there’s no tomorrow
There’s just right now, now, now, na-na-now, now
Gon’ set the roof on fire gonna burn this
Mutherfucker down, down, down, da-da-down, down”

Favorite Part of the Music Video:

Either when he does the Guitar Hero-esque slide in front of the windows or when the crowd just starts doing really weird things.

18. Caught Up


Confessions – 2004

Usher’s been making club-friendly hits for a while, even if his EDM phase is new. This one is have heavy on brass and percussion, which is the exact type of music I’m a sucker for. This song basically brags that Usher never falls in love but just did when he saw this girl, which is kind of odd because every other song of his is about being in love. But anyway, great song.


“I’m the kind of brother
Who been doing it my way getting my way for years
In my career
And every lover
In and out my life I’ve hit, love and left the tears
Without a care”

“Until I met this girl who turned the tables around
She caught me by surprise
I never thought I’d be the one breaking down
I can’t figure it out why”

Favorite Part of the Music Video:

Either when he dresses and looks exactly like Ne-Yo in the beginning or when he dances in absurdly baggy dress pants.

17. Show Me


Looking 4 Myself – 2012

This song has more of an old school feel on Usher’s newest album. Just like the first three songs on the list, it’s a really fun song (and heavy on percussion) and doesn’t have the deepest or most emotional lyrics. I can’t help but smile when I hear this song, though, so that’s why it’s up so high.


“The night is young, you know
We’ve just begun
Let’s have some fun until the moon turns to the sun
Look out the DJ’s got this party jumping
It’s easy to let loose when you sipping something
Relax, it’s what you deserve
There’s no need to be reserved, no”

“Telling you can’t control what you can’t have
You’re here, to enjoy yourself
What time, in the back of your mind
Spending what left of it on the floor”

Favorite Part of the Music Video:

What a lazy artist, that Usher. Can’t make a music video for every one of his songs.

16. Bad Girl


Confessions – 2004

Bad Girl is essentially the musical version of Dikembe Mutombo’s (apparently false) quote “Who wants to sex Mutombo?” If that isn’t enough for you to listen to the song, I don’t know what you’re looking for in entertainment.


“Players, when you see me
Act like you know me
I keep a dollar worth of dimes
You know pimpin’ ain’t easy”

“What sexy lady is
Coming home with me tonight?
I’m ready to be bad
I need a bad girl
Super bad, baby
Get at me, bad girl”

Favorite Part of the Music Video:

This seems like a big missed opportunity for a great music video, but performing it live with Beyonce will just have to do.

15. Confessions, Pt. II


Confessions – 2004

Five songs in, we finally get a sad song. Confessions and Confessions, Pt. II are really one continuous song Usher wrote with Jermaine Dupri, and since the second part comes up first on this list, I’ll go ahead and ruin Confessions. Usher confesses to cheating on his girl in part one (apparently not based on his own life) and confesses that his side chick is pregnant in part 2. For some reason, though, he thinks there’s a chance the two of them will stick together. Probably because he’s Usher.


“The first thing that came to mind was you
Second thing was how do I know if it’s mine and is it true
Third thing was me wishin’ that I never did what I did
How I ain’t ready for no kid and bye bye to our relationship”

“Just when I thought I said all I could say
My chick on the side said she got one on the way
These are my confessions
Man I’m thrown and I don’t know what to do
I guess I gotta give part 2 of my confessions
If I’m gonna tell it then I gotta tell it all
Damn near cried when I got that phone call”

Favorite Part of the Music Video:

This is a tough choice between his surprisingly powerful chair kick and him trying to get back with his girl by grabbing her ass.

14. Stranger


Raymond v. Raymond – 2010

Stranger is a song about how a girl isn’t treating Usher right because of a poor relationship in her past, which is a pretty common theme in his music. This one’s a little different from songs like His Mistakes, though, because he’s trying to get to know this girl instead of thinking about ending things. Great beat on this song.


“Say you’ll never give away your heart again
I’ll be knocking ’til you let me in
I know you told me, you rather be lonely
You don’t even know, that’s why I no longer want to be a stranger”

“Girl you independent as hell and doing by your self but
What you gon’ do when the night time gets cold?”

Favorite Part of the Music Video:

Stranger has never been particularly popular, which makes it no surprise this song lacks a video. I don’t think it ever cracked the Billboard 100.

13. His Mistakes


Here I Stand – 2008

Here I Stand has four great songs on it, two of which are pretty sad, the other two of which are very… love in this club-y. His Mistakes falls into the “pretty sad” category, and Usher gets pretty emotional in this song. Personally, I think it’s one of his better musical songs. Then again, what do I know about music? I played percussion.


“And it’s killing me girl knowing you compare me to him
Always guilty before the sin
I can’t win, I can’t win
I’ll do anything to prove I love you
Baby girl would I refuse to
Pay for something I didn’t do”

“I know he did you wrong
But tell me what does that have to do with me
Trying to show you something real
Figure out what is going on
Before you look up and I’ll be gone”

Favorite Part of the Music Video:

…no music video.

12. U Got It Bad


8701 – 2001

U Got It Bad was Usher’s third ever number one single and the earliest to appear on my Top 20 list. If you haven’t heard it, the title’s misleading because he’s really just saying that love makes people really change for one another. But like in a good way.


“I’ve been there, done it, fucked around
After all that – this is what I found
Nobody wants to be alone
If you’re touched by the words in this song
Then baby
You got, you got it bad”

“All my people who know what’s going on
Look at your mate, help me sing my song
Tell her: ‘I’m your man, you’re my girl
I’m gonna tell it to the whole wide world’
Ladies say: ‘I’m you girl, you’re my man
Promise to love you the best I can'”

Favorite Part of the Music Video:

Really I just wish I could dance like Usher.

11. Numb


Looking 4 Myself – 2012

Numb is the other song along with Euphoria that Usher made with Swedish House Mafia. This one better shows off Usher’s great voice, has a better beat, and is just better overall. It’s the only song on this list that’s not about love, but it’s such a fun song. I’m honestly surprised it didn’t peak higher than 69th in the US.


“I’m just saying that what don’t kill only makes you strong
If you don’t recognize what is real
Then forever is a long, long, long, long time”

“Keep on doing the same old thing
And you expecting change
Well is that really insanity
Or just a losers’ game
I only trust in the things I feel
Some may say that’s strange
You better recognize what is real
Cause forever is a long, long, long, long time”

Favorite Part of the Music Video:

A lot is going on in this music video, but Usher starts it off by saying “I feel like a failure, hopeless, paralyzed, numb.” USHER NO!!!

10. Confessions


Confessions – 2004

I give Confessions the edge over Confessions, Pt. II because his first verse is so iconic (Every time I was in L.A. I was with my ex-girlfriend…) and he shows off his musical range better. I also love when he backs himself up singing toward the end of the song, kind of like Ne-Yo at the end of So Sick.


“Every time I was in L.A. I was with my ex girlfriend
Every time you called I told you ‘baby I’m workin’
I was out doing my dirt
Wasn’t thinking bout you getting hurt
I was hand-in-hand in the Beverly Center like man
Not givin’ a damn who sees me”

“Everything that I’ve been doing is all bad
I got a chick on the side with a crib and a ride
I been telling you so many lies
Ain’t none good it’s all bad
And I just wanna confess
It’s been going on so long
Girl I been doing you so wrong”

Favorite Part of the Music Video:

Usher didn’t make one just for Confessions, but he used that first verse in his Confessions, Pt. II video, so I’ll go with his totally convincing transition from talking to singing to start the song.

9. Lemme See


Looking 4 Myself – 2012

Usher really shows off his falsetto here in a song about bringing a girl home. His part is pretty simple lyrically which contrasts Rick Ross’ clever lines at the end well. Ricky Rozay manages to drop a Trayvon Martin reference, find a rhyme for LeBron, and end with a clever ice/hot line in his 16 bars. It’s also pretty hard not to like the beat for this song.


“She says she wanna take her skirt off, be my guest
I decided to take my shirt off, and show my chest
And we’ve been sipping on that Merlot
So you know what’s next
Working intermissions, switching positions
We so explicit, oh….”

“You’ve been saying all night long
That you couldn’t wait to get me all alone
What you gon’ do to me?
Don’t talk about it, be about it
Let me see, let me see, let me see”

Favorite Part of the Music Video:

The changing tattoos on the girl (which may have given inspiration to the album cover) are pretty sweet, but really who doesn’t like to see a shirtless Rick Ross? I’ll pick the scene where the girl’s tattoo spills onto a shirtless Rick Ross.

8. Love In This Club Part II


Here I Stand – 2008

It’s no Love In This Club, but Part II is still very good and includes guest appearances by Beyonce and Lil Wayne. That’s Lil Wayne back when he was still good, and he has two nice allusions to his best song: Lollipop. The hook of the song isn’t great, which is why it’s so low on the list, but Usher and Beyonce’s duet is so well done.


“Now baby girl there ain’t nothin more that I can say
You know by now, I want it more than anything
If I walk away and just let you leave
You’ll be stuck in my head like a melody”

“I know, we here together
So this must be something special
Cause, you could be anywhere you wanted
But you decided to be here with me
No coincidence, it was meant to be
Don’t be shy, come let ya boy get in
So you can tell all of your friends
He was on the remix”

Favorite Part of the Music Video:

Not making a music video for his song about having sex with Beyonce is undoubtedly the biggest mistake of Usher’s career.

7. Burn


Confessions – 2004

Like both parts of Confessions, Usher wrote this song with Jermaine Dupri, although this one actually is based on his life. He wrote this song as he was nearing the end of a two-year relationship with Chilli from TLC, which must have led to some awkward conversations at home. “Hey, have you been working on any new songs lately?” “Yeah, I’m working on one about how my relationship is going poorly and I should end it soon.”


“Tell me why I should stay in this relationship
When I’m hurting baby, I ain’t happy baby
Plus there’s so many other things I gotta deal with
I think that you should let it burn”

“Man I don’t know what I’m gonna do
Without my boo
You’ve been gone for too long
It’s been fiddy-leven days, um-teen hours
Imma be burnin’ till you return”

Favorite Part of the Music Video:

His girl diving into the pool and him jumping off the bed as they light on fire are pretty cool moments, but my favorite is when all the palm trees start burning and raining down flames. Fire is so great.

6. Moving Mountains


Here I Stand – 2008

What a heartbreaker of a song. Usher is trying his hardest but he can’t get through to his girl; it’s too hard for them to continue. These are some of his better lyrics, and he absolutely belts them, which makes for a really good song. I probably have this higher than most people because this was the second Usher song I ever got hooked on (after Love In This Club).


“But I keep climbing and hoping things would change
And the sky turns gray
And the water from the rain washes progress away
It’s like moving mountains”

“I love you, and I shouldn’t complain about it
I should take it like a man and walk up out it
Cause we will never be the same, ooh
I’ve been standing in gas and you have been the flame”

Favorite Part of the Music Video:

This is actually one of Usher’s best music videos, and I don’t really have any places to make fun of it. I guess the end sequence is pretty cool.

5. There Goes My Baby


Raymond v. Raymond – 2010

Man this is just a sweet song. That’s about all there is to it. If you don’t like this song then you’re just cold and heartless. Also: this is pretty high up there on Usher’s baby making music scale.


“I’ve been waiting all day to wrap my hands
Around your waist and kiss your face
Wouldn’t trade this feeling for nothing
Not even for a minute
And I’ll sit here long as it takes
To get you all alone
But as soon as you come walking my way
You gon hear me say”

“There goes my baby
Ooh girl look at you
You don’t know how good it feels to call you my girl
There goes my baby
Loving everything you do
Ooh girl look at you”

Favorite Part of the Music Video:

The music video is just as sweet as the song (and it does get borderline soft-core pornographic at times), but this scene is just impressive.

4. Climax


Looking 4 Myself – 2012

I know I’ve already said a song was heartbreaking before, but this is Usher’s saddest song of all. You can just hear it in his voice. It’s almost haunting. What’s kind of funny is that Climax and Euphoria both appear on his latest album (Looking 4 Myself) and their titles mean essentially the same thing in a vacuum, but the songs couldn’t be more different in style and subject. Also, this song was produced by Diplo, whose name is apparently short for Diplodocus, which makes his three to four times cooler.


“I’ve fallen somehow
Feet off the ground
Love is the cloud
That keeps raining down
Where are you now?
When I need you around
I’m on my knees, but it seems we’re
Going nowhere fast
We’ve reached the climax”

“I gave my best, it wasn’t enough
You get upset, we argue too much
We made a mess of what used to be love
So why do I care, I care at all”

Favorite Part of the Music Video:

The music video is pretty sad too, and at one point he grabs a gun to shoot his (ex-)girlfriend’s new guy. USHER NO!!!

3. Hey Daddy


Raymond v. Raymond – 2010

I know I gave it the bronze, but Hey Daddy might just be my favorite Usher song. I could pretty easily be convinced that my top three belongs in any order. This is in contention for my favorite song because Usher absolutely kills it the second and third time through the hook. I don’t know he can just sing so well. And I’m sorry if my descriptions for songs are slowly deteriorating; there are only so many ways for me to describe R&B. Also: Usher’s background singers singing “Hey Daddy” over and over is only slightly seductive.


“I just wanna get your attention
I really wanna be all up in your head
Yeah, cause what I got, you gon’ wanna get some
Yeah, but girl that’s only if you ain’t scared”

“I won’t knock won’t ring no bells
You just poke that bottom up in the air
Said I’ll get you hot, I know you, oh, so well
And when I walk in all that I wanna hear
Is you say ‘daddy’s home, home for me’
And I know you’ve been waiting for this loving all day
You know your daddy’s home, it’s time to play
So you ain’t got to give my loving away”

Favorite Part of the Music Video:

I think what I’ve learned from this music video is that the ladies like Usher.

2. Yeah!


Confessions – 2004

I don’t know a person who doesn’t love Yeah! Probably because I don’t bring it up in normal conversation, but whenever it comes on, people usually immediately sing along. Ludacris’ verses are pretty iconic, the beat is infectious, and the song is just great overall. It’s just the ultimate party/club song from Usher. And in case you didn’t already know, when Usher says he’s “trying to get a little V.I.” he’s not shortening V.I.P.  Sorry if I ruined your childhood.


“She’s all up in my head now
Got me thinkin’ that it might
Be a good idea to take her with me
Cause she’s ready to leave
And I got to keep it real now
Cause on a one to ten, she’s a certified twenty”

“Yeah, shawty got down low said, come and get me
Yeah, I got so caught up, I forgot she told me
Yeah, her and my girl, they used to be the best of homies
Yeah, next thing I knew, she was all up one me screamin’, yeah”

Favorite Part of the Music Video:

The best part of any video is when Lil Jon jumps in from out of nowhere and just starts yelling while holding his pimp cup/crunk goblet.

1. Love In This Club


Here I Stand – 2008

This was the first Usher song I truly got hooked on, which probably goes a long way to deciding why this is my favorite of his songs. But nostalgia aside, this is just a quality song about love. You know, with lots of other people watching. Young Jeezy absolutely kills his verse, but it’s Usher’s voice that carries the song. I’m tired of all this music analysis; Usher’s just awesome, and this is his best song.


“You see you’re searchin’ for somebody that’ll take you out and do you right
Well, come here baby and let daddy show you what it feel like
You know all you gotta do is tell me what’cha sippin’ on
And I promise that I’m gonna keep it comin all night long”

“Might as well give me a kiss
If we keep touchin’ like this
I know you’re scared, baby they don’t know what we doin’
Let’s both get undressed right here
Keep it up, girl and I swear
Imma give it to you non-stop
And I don’t care who’s watchin, watchin, watchin, watchin
In this club, on the floor
Baby let’s make love”

Favorite Part of the Music Video:

I was going to say “wow people used to have phones that look like this,” and then I was going to say “hey there’s a Kanye cameo and I love Kanye,” but then the end of the video leads into the Moving Mountains music video, which is SO CRAZY.

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