I’m back like an outfielder’s first step. Week 3 NFL Picks. Home teams in CAPS.
Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked Games:
Bills (+2.5) over JETS
This game is tough because I have to go against one of my two biggest axioms: “Always bet against the Jets” and “Always bet against the Bills.”
Lions (+2) over REDSKINS
Washington is giving up 511.5 yards per game and 7.0 yards per play. Matthew Stafford and Calvin Johnson might leave their defense in a Trail of Tears.
Raiders (+15) over BRONCOS
A 15-point spread gives the Raiders a huge opportunity for a back-door cover at the end. And okay how am I the offensive one for making a Redskins joke? Their name is literally a racial slur.
Colts (+10.5) over NINERS
I have no idea how to judge the Niners right now. I picked them to go to the Super Bowl, but they could not have looked worse against the Seahawks last week. And no, I still don’t regret making that joke. I just think it’s ironic that the Commish is cracking down on players using profanity during games, yet has a team named after a… you know… racial slur.
SAINTS (-7.5) over Cardinals
I almost picked the Cardinals because the line was so big, but then I forgot just how bad they are. Oh and you really don’t think “Redskins” is offensive? It’s been labeled as “often offensive” in dictionaries since before the Civil Rights Movement.
Dunkin’ Donuts Plain Cake Games:
COWBOYS (-3.5) over Rams
Your Ain’t Nobody Got Time For That Game of the Week, ladies and gentlemen.
Packers (-2) over BENGALS
No, this pick has nothing to do with Gio Bernard dropping 18.5 points last week and screwing over my fantasy team.
Chargers (+3) over TITANS
We have a fun matchup here of the 32nd-ranked pass defense (San Diego) going up against the 32nd-ranked pass attack (Good Ol’ Jake Locker). Who knows how that matchup will turn out, but the one thing we know for sure this week is that Ryan Mathews will fumble and/or get injured.
EAGLES (-3) over Chiefs
Apparently there’s some history between the coaches and these teams. Why doesn’t anyone cover that?
Texans (-2.5) over RAVENS
Maybe the Texans wouldn’t have so much trouble covering their spreads if they scored more than 7 points in the first halves of their games. They’re putting up a whopping 23.5 points per second half.
KFC Double Down Games:
SEAHAWKS (-17) over Jaguars
Here is a running list of things better than the Jaguars:
1. Jonathan Villar’s sliding ability
2. Chad Qualls’ fist pumping ability
3. People who tweet about Justin Bieber haters
4. My defense in my slow-pitch softball debut
5. Joseph Bernstein’s social life
6. Brian Wilson’s ability to correctly identify bongo drums
7. Brian Wilson’s ability to hide his fetishes
8. Brian Wilson’s ability to play catch
9. Brian Wilson’s ability to root for the correct team
10. Brian Wilson’s ability to do anything other than rage moments after he won the World Series for the first time
VIKINGS (-5.5) over Browns
I was going to make fun of the Browns for starting Brian Hoyer (and drafting Brandon Weeden), but holy shit they just dumped Trent Richardson for a late first-round pick 17 months after trading up from 4th to 3rd to snag him. They do understand that rebuilding entails amassing young talent, not trading it, right?
Bears (-2.5) over STEELERS
Turns out having Felix Jones as your feature back doesn’t usually work out well.
Giants (+2.5) over PANTHERS
Eli Manning has a seven interceptions. The next worst quarterbacks (Christian Ponder and Geno Smith) have four each. Then again, the Panthers secondary and offensive line are in worse shape than Ron Rivera deciding whether or not to go for it on 4th and short.
PATRIOTS (-7.5) over Buccaneers
If Gronk comes back this week, which I assume he will, he’s going for 200 yards and three touchdowns. And seriously, just think about the Redskins name for like a half second. That’s offensive, not my Trail of Tears joke. You know you laughed. I regret nothing.
Cook Out Drive-Thru Lock o’ the Week:
Falcons (+2) over DOLPHINS
I lost my Cook Out Drive-Thru Lock o’ the Week by 1.5 points last week. If the Falcons blow this to a far inferior team because of a field goal, I will actually drive down to Atlanta and burn down the Georgia Dome before they fly back from Miami.
Overall record: 14-17-1
Last week: 9-7
Apple Total: -100
Apple Total Last Week: -45