Author Archives: benweinrib

2023 articles

After stops at Yahoo and Athlon Sports, I’m excited to be at A lot of my coverage is on the MLB Pipeline side covering top prospects, although I am also covering the occasional game in Cincinnati, Atlanta, and St. Louis.

5/24: Mariners greats Reynolds, Ibañez to manage Futures Game

5/12: ‘It feels like he strikes out everyone’: LSU’s Skenes whiffs 13 in latest gem

5/11: Senga unable to halt Mets’ first-inning woes

5/10: With win over Reds, JV has beaten every MLB team

5/9: Frustration mounting as Buck earns 1st Mets ejection

5/9: Scherzer scratched with neck spasms; Peterson gets call

5/7: White Sox erupt for biggest inning since 2007

5/6: Eloy out 4-6 weeks after appendectomy

5/5: ‘He’s not panicking’: Robert secures Sox win with go-ahead HR

5/2: Marlins’ Eury Pérez could be angling for a promotion after this start

4/29: A popup? Not when Elly De La Cruz makes contact

4/26: Cubs’ top prospect ends 16-pitch AB in grand fashion

4/26: New hidden ball trick? Catcher can’t find it anywhere

3/4: HBCUs highlighted at Classic honoring Braves legends

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Top 20 Jason Derulo Songs

Source: Instagram

Ever since Michael Jackson died in 2009, the music world has been looking for the new King of Pop. Usher and Justin Timberlake had already peaked. Chris Brown’s character is disqualifying. Could it be Bruno Mars or Justin Bieber? (Of course, the correct answer is Ariana Grande.)

More than a decade later, I’m not here to say that he deserves the crown. But Jason Derulo — who was inspired as a child by MJ — should at least be recognized as the Duke of Pop. All he does is make hits.

Ever since his first single, “Whatcha Say,” hit No. 1 on the Billboard Hot 100 in 2009, Derulo (a stage name for the correct pronunciation of his given name, Desrouleaux) has been been a fixture atop the rankings. With a silky smooth voice, incredible vocal range, and generally wholesome content, he was almost perfectly crafted to be a modern-day pop star.

Don’t look for super deep lyrics; just stay for the catchy beats. Find me a person who likes Jason Derulo songs, and I’ll show you someone who likes to have a good time.

And as is crucial for any star who dabbles in R&B, Derulo is in exceptional shape and is an absolutely incredible dancer, which is why we’ll be diving deep into his music videos in this countdown. That he broke a vertebra while practicing for a 2012 tour and still has these moves makes his well-rounded skillset all the more impressive.

Derulo’s platinum singles speak for themselves, but he’s also made a name for himself in recent years on social media, channeling his line from “Wiggle.” From getting memed on Vine by a kid reading a calendar to his well-endowed photo that got taken down from Instagram, his online celebrity has taken on a life of its own. He’s in no uncertain terms TikTok royalty — with the 12th-most followers of any account — which helped catapult the popularity of his certified bop “Savage Love.”

I’ve long been a massive JD fanI’m still waiting for the chance to see Derulo in concert — so it’s only fitting that we run down a list of his 20 best songs. Please, sit back and enjoy these rankings. Or just skip to the part where I let you know whether or not he starts a song by singing his name.

Top 20 Kanye West SongsTop 20 Usher SongsTop 25 Songs (feat. T-Pain)Top 10 DJ Khaled Songs


20. Kiss The Sky

Jason Derulo

Platinum Hits (2016)

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: N/A

Narrowly edging out “Tip Toe” for the last spot on the list is a song unlike any other on the list due to its sheer funkiness. The driving bassline and heavy vocal percussion feel straight out of the 70s, and Derulo shows off his falsetto that goes as high as the title. Jason’s ability to hit just about any note is one of the most impressive things about him, although this song can border on Adam-Levine-ear-piercing territory at times. “Kiss The Sky” will grow on you, or at least you might find the hook stuck in your head hours later. It’s a solid, cheesy song that, like any good Jason Derulo jam, just makes you want to get up and dance.

Best Line:

“My new girl headline the news
But my ex still coming through
And I’m thinking why not?
Baby, why not? Yeah
Ain’t nothing gon’ stop the funk
I’m gon’ make you pop your trunk
I’m thinking why not
Baby, why not? Oh (Why not)”

Top 3 Music Video Moments:

1. Let’s be honest, the fat man brushing his teeth in a bath towel steals the show.

2. The old man creeped me out a bit by grinding with a girl but redeemed himself with this dance.

3. Jason makes this leaping side flip off the hotel lobby desk look so casual.

Does he say “Jason Derulo” at the start of the song:



19. Get Ugly

Jason Derulo

Everything is 4 (2015)

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 52

When I said in the intro that Jason Derulo’s songs are generally wholesome, I really meant that they border on PG-13. Yes, they almost all have to do with women or sex, but he uses next-to-no explicit language. “Get Ugly” is a rare exception, and he uses that “motherfucker” to great effect, as the forceful “alley” to the dynamic “oop” of his chorus. (We’ll see this again later with “Wiggle” and a few others.) There may not be too much else to the song beyond letting your freak out and dancing, but that’s what he does best in the music video.

Best Line:

“To them pretty faced girls tryna impress each other
And them undercover freaks who ain’t nothin’ but trouble
Baby, Imma tell you some’ only cause I love ya
People all around the world sexy motherfuckers
Get ugly”

Top 3 Music Video Moments:

1. His entire last dance sequence is impressive, starting with a quintuple pirouette.

2. The comic book effect is a nice touch throughout, especially when the words escape out of the music video.

3. People dancing in drying machines! How did they get in there?!

Does he say “Jason Derulo” at the start of the song:



18. Breathing

Jason Derulo

Future History (2011)

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: N/A

By the time this song dropped, most of Derulo’s major hits had been love ballads or songs about breakups. “Breathing” fits right in with all the other singles off his first two albums, but it was also his first major foray into house music. Heavy on synths, drums, and autotune, this club hit feels extremely early-2010s. What makes “Breathing” great is the passion you can feel throughout the song — but especially during the bridge before the final chorus. He’s almost screaming at points, which is all well and good since the song is easy to scream along to.

Best Line:

“I only miss you when I’m breathing
I only need you when my heart is beating
You are the color that I’m bleeding
I only miss you when I’m breathing”

Top 3 Music Video Moments:

1. What’s going on with his glowing, translucent skin and psychotic episode?

2. Tip of the hat to the dance sequence in a straight jacket.

3. Jason’s heart just isn’t in it when he’s maintaining eye contact while putting in minimal effort to lip-sync.

Does he say “Jason Derulo” at the start of the song:



17. If It Ain’t Love

Jason Derulo

Single (2016)

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 67

This song continues to grow on me and might be higher on the list if it were older and had more of a nostalgia factor. But it’s an absolute jam. If I had one quibble with the song, it’s that the pre-chorus completely outshines the chorus itself. I’ve gotten those six bars stuck in my head for weeks on end. The whole song is catchy and suggestive, from the opening verse to the pre-choruses counting his number of rounds. The music video, which he directed, is perhaps his most sensual and technically impressive, although someone may need to contact HR after what he and his co-worker did in their workplace.

Best Line:

“Short days, long nights, tangled up with you
I don’t wanna move
Your eyes don’t lie
And if I needed proof, that body tell the truth”

Top 3 Music Video Moments:

1. While they dance on the staircase, papers are raining down on them, which we can only assume come from when they were making out on the copier moments earlier.

2. Pretty much everything is great after gravity goes away and they start walking on the ceiling, Spider-Man kiss and all.

3. Love his repeated product placements for Beluga Vodka — which is not related to his original record label, Beluga Heights.

Does he say “Jason Derulo” at the start of the song:



16. Fight for You

Jason Derulo

Future History (2011)

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 83

True story, I listened to this before I heard “Africa” by Toto, so I originally thought they were ripping off his song. This song heavily samples the original, but I’m alright with that. Given the optics of a bunch of white guys singing about Africa, I’m going to give this one to JD. Jason’s line at the end of the chorus, “Just like the rain down in Africa / It’s gonna take some time, but I know you’re worth fighting for” doesn’t make much sense, but let’s be honest here. Toto’s line, “I bless the rains down in Africa / Gonna take some time to do the things we never had” was even more nonsensical. Plus I’ll take Jason Derulo’s vocals over Joseph Williams’ any day. This song is a keeper with a great melody and a passionate performance.

Best Line:

“It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
There’s nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do
Just like the rain down in Africa
It’s gonna take some time, but I know you’re worth fighting for”

Top 3 Music Video Moments:

1. What kind of person just takes a shot and breaks the glass on the floor?

2. It turns out that Jason and his girl were wearing swimsuits the whole time during their steamy shower scenes.

3. This is probably the happiest I’ve ever seen people passing by subway performers.

Does he say “Jason Derulo” at the start of the song:



15. Take You Dancing

Jason Derulo

Single (2020)

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: N/A

Jason Derulo more or less didn’t come out with any hits in 2018 and ’19 — apologies to collaboration with David Guetta, “Goodbye” —  but he came out with a pair of bangers in 2020. A month after dropping “Savage Love” on TikTok, he released this song, which hasn’t charted well in America but reached No. 7 in the UK. The hook is infectious, and the bassline makes it easy to get up and dance like the lyrics ask. The music video fits right in with his TikTok theme, too, as it’s filled with green screens gags and dancing. The lyrics are pretty repetitive, which is par for the course, but the start of the highlighted line below notably does remind me of Kevin McCall’s line from “Strip” with Chris Brown: “The only reason I dress you in that designer / Is to get you out that Dolce and Gabbana.”

Best Line:

“That Louis, that Prada
Looks so much better off ya
Turn me up, up, up, be my waitress
Know we not in love, so let’s make it”

Top 3 Music Video Moments:

1. Jason just starts splashing all over the girl when he’s dancing without a care in the world.

2. The two of them start doing part of the “Savage Love” dance!

3. I need to know where he got that SpongeBob jacket.

Does he say “Jason Derulo” at the start of the song:



14. Don’t Wanna Go Home

Jason Derulo

Future History (2011)

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 14

The beat is taken from Robin S.’s “Show Me Love.” The lyrics borrow heavily from Harry Belafonte’s “Day-O (The Banana Boat Song)” and Lil Jon & The Eastside Boyz’s “Get Low.” But it still works! People don’t come to Jason Derulo’s music for originality; they come because he can turn almost anything into a hit and has incredible vocal range while doing so. This is a quintessential party song from the early 2010s with high energy and fun, memorable lyrics. “Don’t Wanna Go Home” was a fitting lead single to his strong sophomore album, “Future History,” and perhaps the moment he finally got that Ariana Grande energy to say, “I’m a star.”

Best Line:

“We drink the whole bottle, but it ain’t over, over
Everybody jumping on the sofa, sofa
Standing on the chairs, standing on the bar
No matter day or night, I’m shining, bitch, I’m a star”

Top 3 Music Video Moments:

1. This Reverse Valdez is incredibly impressive, although I have to wonder if it hurt to land on the concrete like that.

2. Is this music video shot in the same abandoned warehouse then they filmed the “Breathing” music video in?

3. Kind of semantics, but the whole song is about how he doesn’t want to leave the club, and the music video starts with everyone passed out, including someone who fell asleep under corrugated sheet metal in a tub.

Does he say “Jason Derulo” at the start of the song:



13. Wiggle

Jason Derulo (feat. Snoop Dogg)

Tattoos (2014)

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 5

There’s no beating around the bush with this song: JD just loves singing about this girl’s butt. Snoop isn’t any more inconspicuous about what he wants to do either (Completely separated ’til I deeply penetrate it). Subtlety may be a lost art, and the recorder sound during the hook — what is this, elementary school? — is an odd choice, but this song still slaps. With time, you can get over the pestering recorder and appreciate this classic. Few songs are as catchy and easy to dance to — it was designed to do both — and the bridge after Snoop’s line (listed below) is one of my favorite parts of any of his songs.

Best Line:

“Come on, baby, turn around
You’re a star, girl, take a bow
It’s just one thing that’s killing me
How do you fit that in them jeans?”

Top 3 Music Video Moments:

1. Not sure anything could be more notable than when this guy does an ice luge down the back and crack of an ice sculpture of a busty woman.

2. The wiggling bed is a nice gag, and I’d love to know how the old woman got into the party.

3. Love the Ne-Yo cameo, although I really wish he made it into the actual song.

Does he say “Jason Derulo” at the start of the song:

No, but Snoop starts the song by saying “Ayo, Jason!”


12. Swalla

Jason Derulo (feat. Nicki Minaj and Ty Dolla $ign)

Single (2017)

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 29

This is a classic mid-career smash from JD. He borrows heavily in his hook from an older song —  this time from Ol’ Dirty Bastard’s “Shimmy Shimmy Ya” —  and just crushes his falsetto over a catchy beat. And Nicki Minaj might have the best featured part out of any rapper to appear on this list. She really ties together the song with a Remy Ma diss and reference to Draymond Green’s title-costing tech. It’s worth noting that he’s only averaging 9.3 points per game since Nicki’s “My shit slappin’ like dude did LeBron’s nuts” line. Jason doesn’t have a ton of lines in this song — nor do any of them really rhyme — but the star power and rhythm are enough to make this a borderline top-10 song.

Best Line:

“All you girls in here, if you’re feeling thirsty
Come on take a sip ’cause you know what I’m servin'”

Top 3 Music Video Moments:

1. Nicki Minaj looks like LeVar Burton’s Geordi La Forge a Willy Wanka psychedelic dream.

2. Do you think they sell these Jason Derulo-branded orange soda, twinkies, lollipops, and whatever Derulo Daddies are anywhere?

3. I don’t know what to call this except a human twerkipede.

Does he say “Jason Derulo” at the start of the song:

No, but he does end the song by saying “Derulo.” Nicki starts the song by shouting out Young Money instead.


11. Cheyenne

Jason Derulo

Everything is 4 (2015)

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 66

“Cheyenne” is unlike most songs on this list because it’s less of a party song and more of a ballad. And Jason can absolutely croon. With heavy guitars driving the electronic beat reminiscent of Taylor Swift’s “Style,” it’s a pleasant change of pace sandwiched between “Want to Want Me” and “Get Ugly” on his fourth album. It’s also a rare JD song where he just sings about falling in love instead of, well, just check out the titles of the previous two songs on the list. The music video is also a fun change of pace with a horror theme seemingly out of the “The Conjuring” extended universe. And just like this song hits his usual checkpoints with a Frankie Vallian falsetto and spending half the song by repeating the hook, the music video has a lot of familiar moments with him being restrained in a chair and standing on the walls of a room.

Best Line:

“I’m a little unsure how it got so complicated
If I let go I know, I’ll regret it
Every heart that I held before, I was sure to break it
I don’t know what you did, but
I just can’t stop thinking ’bout you every day
No, I can’t stop now”

Top 3 Music Video Moments:

1. Can we talk about his purple suit, untucked shirt, purple Panama hat combination?

2. The extended interlude of dancing corpses is really a sight to behold.

3. The “Inception”-style falling through the floor into a bed of hands moment is neat.

Does he say “Jason Derulo” at the start of the song:



10. Savage Love

Jason Derulo & Jawsh 685

Single (2020)

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 10

To be totally transparent, it took me a while to come around on this song because the music felt a little, shall well say, elementary at first. Like I was playing on my childhood keyboard. But that kind of checks out when you learn that it was sampled from a New Zealand high schooler’s 2019 instrumental song that went viral on TikTok earlier this year. Derulo posted a video dancing to the song in April and released his remixed version 25 days later. Now the song has become unavoidable, and I can’t argue with the fact that it just slaps. This song felt like it demarked a return to the spotlight for Derulo — not that he ever left. More like it became cool to like him again, like after Justin Bieber dropped “What Do You Mean” and his “Purpose” album.

Best Line:

“Baby, I hope this ain’t karma ’cause I get around
You wanna run it up, I wanna lock it down
Usually don’t be fallin’, be fallin’, fallin’ fast
You got a way of makin’ me spend up all my cash”

Top 3 Music Video Moments:

1. Knowing that this video was likely shot during COVID times, these scenes with packed rooms make me incredibly uncomfortable.

2. Jason looks absolutely ripped. He must’ve spent all his time in quarantine when he wasn’t on TikTok bulking up.

3. Shout out the Samoan Flag! One of the rare Oceanic flags that doesn’t include a Union Jack.

Does he say “Jason Derulo” at the start of the song:



9. Talk Dirty

Jason Derulo (feat. 2 Chainz)

Tattoos (2013)

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 3

“Talk Dirty” marked Jason Derulo’s first song with a featured artist, and 2 Chainz absolutely brings the heat. With heavy bass, emphatic horns, and the notorious boastful hook, it’s as memorable as any in JD’s discography. This song feels like a more pop-friendly version of Afroman’s “Crazy Rap,” which I mean as the utmost compliment. This was his first top-10 hit since his debut album (he was rudely snubbed in “Future History”) as he fully transformed from R&B singer to braggadocious sex symbol. If you want a sign of how iconic and widespread this bop became, look no further than SNL’s take in “Dongs All Over The World” (feat. Anna Kendrick).

Best Line:

“You know the words to my songs, no habla inglés
Our conversations ain’t long, but you know what is”

Top 3 Music Video Moments:

1. The recurring dancing silhouettes effect is nice, especially this moment towards the beginning.

2. Did they shoot this scene in Christopher Nolan’s rotating hallway?

3. Love to shill for Neuro Water with some mild cultural appropriation.

Does he say “Jason Derulo” at the start of the song:

Technically no, but a woman says “Jason (giggles) Jason Derulo” instead.


8. It Girl

Jason Derulo

Future History (2011)

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 17

Put aside for a moment that Jason rhymes “it girl” with “shit girl” and “hit girl” — this is just a great, genuine love song. The music is simple with an acoustic guitar and drum set, and JD doesn’t really beat around the bush. He loves this woman more than his job and wants a life sentence with her. The original is much better than the electronic-heavy remix with his then-girlfriend Jordin Sparks, which is also way more suggestive. Jason doesn’t make too many of these love songs anymore, but this is certainly one of his best.

Best Line:

“You can be my it girl, baby, you the shit, girl
Loving you could be a crime
Crazy how we fit, girl, this is it, girl
Give me 25 to life”

Top 3 Music Video Moments:

1. There are so many questionable fashion choices from the pinstripe and floral blazers with plain pants to the leather jacket with plaid pants.

2. You can really tell how dated this video is by the Paper Jamz karaoke machine that’s clipped to Jason’s hip.

3. Fun fact: the star of this video, Tika Suptmer, later parlayed her fame into a starring role in the “Sonic the Hedgehog” movie.

Does he say “Jason Derulo” at the start of the song:



7. Marry Me

Jason Derulo

Tattoos (2013)

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 26

Move over, “Marry You” by Bruno Mars, this is officially the greatest, most wholesome pop wedding song. If “It Girl” was some of Jason Derulo’s best love song work, “Marry Me” is clearly his best. Not going to lie, sometimes it does get a little dusty in the room when I think about how this song is about Jordin Sparks — especially when watching the music video —  but that’s just because of how much emotion you can feel in this song. JD puts his whole vocal range to work in this serenade and you can particularly feel it in the bridge highlighted below. My only quibble with this song is if Jason Derulo doesn’t have his money right after four top-5 Billboard singles, when will he be ready? Is love real if Jason and Jordin can’t make it??

Best Line:

“And if I lost everything
In my heart it means nothing
‘Cause I have you, girl, I have you
To get right down on bended knee
Nothing else would ever be better, better
The day when I’ll say will you marry me?”

Top 3 Music Video Moments:

1. The scenes of Jason Derulo and Jordin Sparks going from young to old really hit hard now that they’ve broken up.

2. Love to watch them throw flour at each other like they’re LeBron pregame.

3. As it turns out, jeweler Michael C. Fina put the 8.83-carat diamond ring from the music video on sale.

Does he say “Jason Derulo” at the start of the song:



6. Want to Want Me

Jason Derulo

Everything is 4 (2015)

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 5

Now we’re getting into peak Jason Derulo. I think any of the rest of the songs on this list have excellent cases to reach No. 1, even if this song falls outside my top 5. I found myself in Trader Joe’s over the weekend —  we all know grocery stores have the best music — and literally could not resist singing along out loud and bopping my head. Jason really shows off the best side of him in this song with thoroughly wholesome lyrics (even if the music video is decisively not) and elite vocal range. I mean, just look at Luke Bryan trying to keep up with his falsetto in this duet. I’m always a sucker for artists who back themselves up singing the chorus, so that just makes the end of this catchy song even better.

Best Line:

“You open the door
Wearing nothing but a smile down to the floor
And you whisper in my ear, ‘Baby, I’m yours’
Ooh, just the thought of you gets me so high, so high”

Top 3 Music Video Moments:

1. JD’s dance moves on the stage are pretty outstanding, and you can have him perform at your event if you have $150,000 to $300,000 burning a hole in your pocket.

2. I get that it’s the heat of the moment, but he just broke a lamp and ripped his shirt for no good reason.

3. The entire video has a pretty consistent storyline until his woman is inexplicably in an ice bath while he hangs from the ceiling.

Does he say “Jason Derulo” at the start of the song:

Technically no, but he does say “Derulo!”


5. In My Head

Jason Derulo

Jason Derulo (2009)

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 5

You don’t hear a lot of rock guitar in Jason’s newer music, but his early work really ran the gamut. Originally titled “In My Bed,” this song is the natural follow-up to his debut single, “Whatcha Say.” You can just see him playing out the music video in real life by blasting his music, knowing he’s a big deal, and telling anyone who will listen at the club that he can see her with him. Although some of the rhymes are pretty funny (as you can see below), that doesn’t take away from how much this classic bangs. Other songs lower on this list may be more popular now, but it’s important to respect Jason’s roots, which is why this ranks so high to me.

Best Line:

“Everybody’s looking for love, oh
Ain’t that the reason you’re at this club? oh
You ain’t gon’ find it dancing with him, no
I’ve got a better solution for you, girl, oh”

Top 3 Music Video Moments:

1. Jason Derulo is a star… he doesn’t need to be stalking people out of a convenience store.

2. It’s pretty comical how many people are walking in and out of the store while he’s dancing in the parking lot.

3. What a plot twist at the end!

Does he say “Jason Derulo” at the start of the song:



4. Whatcha Say

Jason Derulo

Jason Derulo (2009)

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 1

This is where it all started. Jason’s first-ever single reached No. 1 on the Billboard Hot 100 in November 2009 and catapulted his career. And to think that his fellow label-mate Sean Kingston was initially supposed to sing the song. A real sliding doors moment. “Whatcha Say” may be nothing like the song it takes its hook from, “Hide and Seek” by Imogen Heap, but this version became an instant hit for good reason. With powerful synths, building percussion, and stellar vocals, it’s a classic addition to the mid-to-late-2000s pop-R&B scene. “Whatcha Say” isn’t exactly a party song, which prevents it from landing higher on this list, but it belongs high on any JD list for being his original hit.

Best Line:

“‘Cause when the roof caved in and the truth came out
I just didn’t know what to do
But when I become a star, we’ll be living so large
I’ll do anything for you”

Top 3 Music Video Moments:

1. She did not seem impressed by his “I know what I did wasn’t clever, but you and me were meant to be together” line.

2. Fashion really is circular considering Derulo’s belt chain — which was questionably cool at the time — somehow made a comeback last year.

3. Jason’s facial hair has really evolved over the years too, and his thin chinstrap is quite something.

Does he say “Jason Derulo” at the start of the song:

Yes, midway through the “Hide and Seek” sample.


3. Trumpets

Jason Derulo

Tattoos (2013)

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 14

Derulo already had four top-10 hits by the time this song came out, and although “Trumpets” didn’t reach that level, this remains one of his biggest hits ever. JD shows his full range in this song from gentle serenading to soulful singing and intense falsetto, all while the trumpets blare in the background. If this song is playing, you’re probably having a great time. I also just love the idea of the song. Memory and music are so closely interwoven; important songs, like smells, can instantly take you back to a moment in time or special person. Or, the other way around, a girl’s eyes, ass, and bra can remind you of “Green Eyes,” “Birthday Song,” and “California Gurls.”

Best Line:

“Every time that you get undressed
I hear symphonies in my head
I wrote this song just looking at you oh, oh
Yeah, the drums they swing low
And the trumpets they go…”

Top 3 Music Video Moments:

1. Love that Jason is just watching his “Talk Dirty” music video at the start. I like to imagine him relaxing at home, just listening to his music.

2. I also love the idea that any time he gets turned on, a marching band pops out of nowhere. That’s gotta be so inconvenient.

3. These sparkly pants are outrageously cool.

Does he say “Jason Derulo” at the start of the song:



2. The Other Side

Jason Derulo

Tattoos (2013)

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 18

I’ve gone back and forth on this as Jason’s top song because I’m not sure if it’ll ever get old to me. The EDM soundtrack is some of the best music in any of his songs, and he really gets to show off his voice in the hook. The last minute-plus of the song is some of his best work too, with the chorus of background singers, the music coming to a stop, and him backing himself up singing. “The Other Side” just fills me with warmth because it’s all about young love and the start of a relationship. It’s really just a perfect Summer Jam. I know a lot of people won’t have it this high, but I hope they can also find a song they enjoy as much as I love this.

Best Line:

“Tonight we’ll just get drunk, disturb the peace
Let your love crash into me
And then you bite your lip, whisper and say
‘We’re going all the way'”

Top 3 Music Video Moments:

1. I got a concussion just watching this dance move.

2. Taking pulls of Crown and pouring it on each other’s chest? To each their own, I guess.

3. Never seen someone make a workout look this fun before.

Does he say “Jason Derulo” at the start of the song:

Technically no, although he does end the song with his name.

1. Ridin’ Solo

Jason Derulo

Jason Derulo (2010)

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 9

Fire up the synths, and let’s go back to 2010. “Ridin’ Solo” was an instant smash at release and remains one to this day. They say that breakups make the best music, and this should be Exhibit B after “thank u next.” This song made Jason a bona fide star with a third straight top-10 Billboard single to begin his career. The hook is iconic and easy to single along to. I know I sang the hell out of this hook as a kid who had been riding solo for the first 16 years of his life (and several more after, for that matter!). “Whatcha Say” put Derulo on the map, “In My Head” meant he wasn’t a one-hit wonder, but “Ridin’ Solo” let him “feel like a star.” When you have a hit song that marks your arrival on the big stage, that belongs at the top of any list.

Best Line:

“I’m puttin’ on my shades to cover up my eyes
I’m jumpin’ in my ride, I’m headin’ out tonight
I’m solo, I’m ridin’ solo
I’m ridin’ solo, I’m ridin’ solo, solo”

Top 3 Music Video Moments:

1. Jason dancing and singing to himself in the mirror in this spiky studded jacket is a mood.

2. Ready for a throwback? There’s a group of women at the club looking at Plenty of Fish on an iPad.

3. For some reason, there’s a CGI sequence where JD’s driving a Honda CR-Z.

Does he say “Jason Derulo” at the start of the song:


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Top 10 DJ Khaled Songs

After a five-year hiatus, it’s time to get back to what this blog is best at: ranking my personal favorite songs from the mid-to-late-2000s!

My first three lists (the first two of which need some updating) looked at musical giants. Kanye West. Usher. T-Pain. So who better to naturally follow them up with than DJ Khaled?

Khaled Khaled obviously doesn’t have the musical talents of those other three, but I’ve always thought people gave him too much flak. He’s basically the Guy Fieri of hip-hop. Everyone likes to make fun of Fieri for his ridiculous look and donkey sauce, but he’s a genuinely nice guy who raised more than $20 million for restaurant workers affected by the coronavirus pandemic.

Guy Fieri is the quintessential chaotic good, and I’m not sure I’d go that far for DJ Khaled, as much as I love him. But he’s at least a chaotic neutral. And he’s nothing if not a character.

For the first 10 years of his career, Khaled was just a DJ whose form of branding was screaming his name at the top of every song. But by 2015, thanks to daily posts on Snapchat from getting lost on a jetski to giving advice in the shower he became a living, breathing meme. His “major key” catchphrase caught on so much he wrote a book about it and became a New York Times bestseller.

Of course, his whole shtick is ridiculous and fake. All of his songs are about coming up from nothing, but as his high school classmate Joey Fatone said in a Hot Ones interview, “You know what’s funny about Khaled? People are like ‘He’s from the hood.’ His family owned a store called ‘Merry-Go-Round’ in the Florida mall. It’s not that he was rich, but he had money.”

Khaled did his own run on Hot Ones talking big about showing the haters and never losing and it was by far the worst performance the show has ever seen. He thought the first wing with Texas Pete was too hot and eventually dropped out after three wings a show record but not before uttering the iconic line: “I promise you if I stop, it doesn’t mean I gave up.”

With his newfound celebrity, Khaled got courtside seats at the 2018 NBA All-Star Weekend and thoroughly embarrassed himself. Whether it’s a total lack of self-awareness about how people perceive him or a complete commitment to the bit, it all just feeds into how incredible his whole character is.

It took years, but Khaled has become ubiquitous in pop culture, something no one should have expected in the early aughts. He seems like the perfect celebrity for “The Masked Singer,” except for the fact that he’d be sent home on Week 1 when he’d yell his name or shout out his son. Maybe he’d be the perfect host to replace Nick Cannon.

Still, it’s worth remembering that DJ Khaled didn’t just get famous because of his persona. He also helped bring together deeply impressive groups of artists for iconic songs. Essentially every 2000s rapper this side of Eminem has appeared in one of his tracks, and he became synonymous with his style of featuring 20-plus artists on one album, for better and for worse.

There are plenty of examples of him overstuffing songs. Billboard Top-20 track I’m So Hood (Remix) is an honorable mention for this list, but it had about five too many featured artists and ran about two minutes too long. Still, each of the artists (Young Jeezy, Ludacris, Busta Rhymes, Big Boi, Lil Wayne, Fat Joe, Birdman, Rick Ross, and T-Pain) were integral to late-2000s hip-hop and added to the song.

It’s a shame that he doesn’t embrace that side of himself more. I got to see him live when he was the opener for Beyonce and Jay-Z’s On the Run II Tour, and only three of the songs he played in his 30-minute set were his own. His catalog is deep; he shouldn’t have to pretend to be a replacement-level DJ.

DJ Khaled may not produce deep, meaningful music, but his bubble gum rap clearly made a big mark on the music scene, especially when I first started listening to pop music. To commemorate him, I’m counting down my 10 favorite songs of him and celebrating his limited vocabulary. In all seriousness, I’d love to see anyone else’s top picks too.

(You may notice this is my first post in a while. Work and life have gotten in the way of me writing for myself, but I’m hoping to put out more of these lists in the coming months. Jason Derulo? Ariana Grande? Ne-Yo? Katy Perry? Flo Rida? Who knows what could come next?)

10. I Wish You Would

DJ Khaled (feat. Kanye West and Rick Ross) (2012)

Kiss the Ring

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 78

I feel like this song always needs to be played at max volume because it’s made to hype you up. It feels like it has a Shepherd Tone-style audio trick where it appears to get louder every single line, and the turbulent music video only feeds into that feeling. This song features near-peak Kanye right after MBDTF and Watch The Throne but before Yeezus and full MAGA mode and you can feel his passion talking about Chicago. On the other side of the coin, you have Rick Ross perhaps the only rapper faker than Khaled pretending he wasn’t a correctional officer and delivering his iconic “hunh” and trill sounds. What more could you want?

Best line (Kanye West):

“The block is at war, post-traumatic stress
Ran up outta pills, rob that CVS
N****s getting bust over In God We Trust
We believe in God, but do God believe in us?
If we believe enough, will we ever get to know him?
That lean got us dozing, we forget that we the chosen”

Honorable mention line (Rick Ross):

“My money on another level
In the streets out here I’m hotter than the fucking devil”

DJ Khaled Word Count: 12


9. I’m On

DJ Khaled (feat. Nas) (2008)

We Global

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: N/A

I’m On never charted well and never got a music video, but it’s still a personal favorite of mine. DJ Khaled’s third album, “We Global,” was a big step up from his first two albums, and that was signified in some ways by his ability to attract Nas to perform with/for him. The beat is contagious, and the hook is a pleasant surprise by little-known producer Dre. Khaled also plays the role of the hype man during the bridge, which helps him get up to an astonishing 49 words in this song.

Best line (Nas):

“Ya heard me, and this journey, I’m the journalist
Line around the block to hear the words of the herbalist
Send ya girl to the Dominicans to perm her shit
Tell her tonight, we gonna see Nas return to his murder shit”

Honorable mention line (Nas):

“Money fall out the sky when I speak
Got a valet, can’t leave mine out in these streets
Can’t carpool, the crew is too deep
Why tuck it all in? The jewels are too sweet”

DJ Khaled Word Count: 49

NASIR!! (x5)
COME ON!! (x9)

8. Hold You Down

DJ Khaled (feat. Chris Brown, August Alsina, Future, and Jeremih) (2014)

I Changed a Lot

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 39

DJ Khaled produced a remix of this song with Usher, who sung the hook way better than Chris Brown did, but let’s be real: This song ranks so high because of the incredible music video. Unfortunately, Khaled took it down off his original channel, but thankfully someone was able to splice it back together. You really need to check it out for yourself, but DJ Khaled keeps calling a woman (who clearly doesn’t want to talk to him) smart and loyal, a line he loves so much that he eventually repurposes into a motivational speech. He keeps throwing money at her (although not enough to buy her, her mom, and her whole family houses) and is desperate for her to say his name. The whole thing is a work of art. It happens to feature some R&B legends and another great beat, but mostly the music video is iconic.

Best line (August Alsina):

“Sit in my whip and see the stars
Show me just who you are
You know who really hold you down
And when you not around
I’ll hold you down”

Honorable mention line (Future):

“I’m the one that’s gon’ hold you down
Put you in that Ghost so you enjoy the town”

DJ Khaled Word Count: 20


7. I’m on One

DJ Khaled (feat. Drake, Rick Ross, and Lil Wayne) (2011)

We the Best Forever

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 10

This song was DJ Khaled’s breakout, his and Rick Ross’ first Billboard No. 1 single, albeit Drake’s sixth and Lil Wayne’s 12th. Never forget how great Lil Wayne is (although maybe you can forget his “The Masked Singer” performance). I’m on One was able to rise up the charts because of the incredible star power on the track and Drake’s easily memorizable hook. There’s a long history of lean in rap music, but my guess is this is one the first songs about it to earn a Grammy nom. You can also really tell this song is from 2011 because of the Four Loko product placement in the music video.

Best line (Rick Ross):

“Walking on the clouds, suspended in thin air
Do ones beneath me recognize the red bottoms I wear?”

Honorable mention line (Drake):

“Yeah and I’ll be right here in my spot
With a little more cash than I already got
Trippin’ off you ’cause you had your shot”

DJ Khaled Word Count: 2


6. I’m the One

DJ Khaled (feat. Justin Bieber, Quavo, Chance the Rapper, and Lil Wayne) (2017)


Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 1

I’m The One was a landmark song for Khaled because it’s his first and only Billboard No. 1 song. To my mind, it also marked the moment that he lept from “DJ with a massive Rolodex” to a true pop star. No one could avoid Khaled on the radio or in random commercials. Even the music video is chock full of product placement for Kandypens, Ciroc Summer Colada, and Bumbu Rum, although I enjoy the fact that Chance’s Gucci belt that he raps about is blurred out. It’s also just a catchy jam.

Best line (Chance the Rapper):

“Uh, she beat her face up with that new Chanel
She like the price, she see the ice, it make her coochie melt
When I met her in the club I asked her who she felt
Then she went and put that booty on that Gucci belt”

Honorable mention line (Quavo):

“I make your dreams come true when you wake up
And your look’s just the same without no makeup
Had to pull up on your mama, see what you’re made of
Ain’t gotta worry ’bout ’em commas ’cause my cake up”

DJ Khaled Word Count: 34

I’M THE ONE!! (x4)

5. Go Hard

DJ Khaled (feat. Kanye West and T-Pain) (2008)

We Global

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 69

I’ve made plenty of mistakes in my rankings over the years. Tastes change, and I’ve better appreciated older songs that came out before I followed these artists. But no mistake was bigger than leaving Go Hard off my Top 25 Songs (feat. T-Pain). This song absolutely slaps. We’ve got a ton of peak DJ Khaled screaming throughout the song. We’ve got peak top-hatted T-Pain on the music video with a memorable hook that includes the lines “Makin’ money ain’t shit to me / This is in my veins and it gets to my heart.” And, of course, we get near-peak Kanye with his iconic line about George Bush. A regrettable r-word aside, this song is near-perfect and demarcates the clear top five on this list. But in light of his half-hearted presidential run/publicity stunt, it’s worth remember that Kanye is/was a musical genius, but he is most definitely not a political genius just because he happened to feel the pulse of much of America on Hurricane Katrina. This is still an anti-vax man who thinks slavery is a choice, so let’s appreciate Ye for his early albums and that’s about it.

Best line (Kanye West):

“I guess it’s gon be what it’s gon be
But here’s one thing y’all got to hear
Imma tell you like George Bush told me
Fuck y’all n****s, I’m out of here”

Honorable mention line (Kanye West):

“This is dope as it get
Dope as a motherfuckin’ acid trip
Fly as fifty-seven passengers
This finna be another classic, bitch”

DJ Khaled Word Count: 103

WE THE BEST!! (x2)
I’M GOIN’ IN! (x4)

4. No Brainer

DJ Khaled (feat. Justin Bieber, Chance the Rapper, and Quavo) (2018)

Father of Asahd

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 5

Empire Strikes Back. The Dark Knight. No Brainer. It’s rare, but the sequel can be better than the original. Khaled ran back the entire I’m the One group minus Lil Wayne (regrettably), and it makes for a very solid upgrade on an already great song, even if it didn’t chart nearly as well. Each of the three featured artists shines with their own style in this upbeat bop. The only shame is Justin Bieber looks like Zack Greinke with a mustache in the music video. Fun fact: In the same interview DJ Khaled announced that he was releasing this song, he also told Conan O’Brien that he was going to create his own line of soap (and wanted his own flower). Sadly, the fans are still waiting.

Best line (Chance the Rapper):

“Don’t look rich, I ain’t got no chain
Not on the list, I ain’t got no name
But we in this bitch, bitch, I’m not no lame
And I keep it Ben Franklin, I’m not gon’ change
Lot of these hoes is messy
I just want you and your bestie
Y’all don’t gotta answer for whenever you text me
It’s multiple choice and they all wanna test me”

Honorable mention line (Justin Bieber):

“Walked down, had me sittin’ up
Demanded my attention, had to give it up
Look like somebody designed you
Drop-dead gorgeous, you make me wanna live it up”

DJ Khaled Word Count: 31


3. Out Here Grindin

DJ Khaled (feat. Akon, Rick Ross, Young Jeezy, Lil Boosie, Trick Daddy, Ace Hood, and Plies) (2008)

We Global

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 38

Now we’re really getting to the old, good stuff. Out Here Grindin stretches the limit of how many rappers you can cram in one song, but the end product is excellent since he keeps everyone to just eight bars. That, combined with Akon delivering an iconic hook and Khaled talking about being from the streets? We’ve got another trifecta. This song may not have the lasting power of some of his more recent hits, but it was huge for him at the time and is quintessential DJ Khaled. The music video’s comical, ample, dated green screen use is just the cherry on top, even if it causes us to lose Lil Wayne’s cackling feature. In case you’re like me and were wondering what Akon is up to these days, apparently he’s working to build a town called Akon City in Senegal that runs entirely on his eponymous cryptocurrency, Akoin. That sounds like a scam that would put Fyre Festival to shame, but the project has already secured $6 billion in funding for constriction, so you can put that on your bucket list when it’s scheduled to be completed in a few years.

Best line (Rick Ross):

“Smash it deal with the realest, shoppin’ like it’s still December
Diplomat on the fender of the Phantom I’m the winner
I do it for the hood, I do it cause you can’t
You suckers wish you could, Ricky Ross it’s in the bank”

Honorable mention line (Akon):

“I ain’t splittin’ nothin’ with nobody
Homey, I gotta get me me (cause I’m out here grindin)
I ain’t slept in eight days, I can go for eight weeks
Ain’t nothin’ to me, cause I am the streets”

DJ Khaled Word Count: 17


2. All I Do Is Win

DJ Khaled (feat. T-Pain, Ludacris, Snoop Dogg, and Rick Ross) (2010)


Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 24

What more is there to say about this anthem that hasn’t been pointed out in my T-Pain list? Just like everybody feels required to play I’m On A Boat whenever they’re on a boat, teams in any sport will play this song without fail after a win. It’s honestly brilliant marketing by DJ Khaled. Everyone knows the hook, and he’ll surely get nice paychecks for decades off royalties. Maybe artists should make more music that becomes mandatory at niche events. A rap about a Bar Mitzvah party? A R&B ballad about a father-daughter dance? I feel like these could be million-dollar ideas, and if anyone could assemble a dream team of mid-aughts rappers, DJ Khaled could pull it off.

Best line (Snoop Dogg):

“Time and time again while I’m sipping on this gin
Al Davis said it best, ‘Just win baby, win!'”

Honorable mention line (Ludacris):

“And I’m on this foolish track, so I spit my foolish flow
My hands go up and down, like strippers’ booties go
My verses still be servin’, tight like a million virgins
Last time on the Khaled remix, now I’m on the original version”

DJ Khaled Word Count: 14


1. We Takin’ Over

DJ Khaled (feat. Akon, T.I., Rick Ross, Fat Joe, Birdman, and Lil Wayne) (2007)

We the Best

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 28

I totally understand if anyone has All I Do Is Win or a newer song at the top of their list, but We Takin’ Over is the perfect DJ Khaled song to me. Stuffed to the brim with six big-name rappers, Khaled’s first top-30 hit has an infectious beat and memorable hook. The music video is worth a watch at the beginning if for no other reason than the radio announcement that DJ Khaled is “wanted by an evil assailant group affiliated with censoring the powerful voice of the people.” Could this be Nappy Boi radio? We do get a T-Pain cameo later in the video. All five verses shine, and Lil Wayne’s 16 bars are some of the best in any Khaled song. And lastly, I have to shout out Fat Joe for the inexplicable idea that some people call our favorite DJ “Khaleed.” Just incredible stuff all the way around.

Best line (Lil Wayne):

“I don’t even talk, I let the Visa speak
And I like my Sprite Easter-pink
And my wrist-wear Chopard but the Muller’s cooler
I have more jewels than your jeweler
Touch and I will bust your medulla
That’s a bullet hole, it is not a tumor
Red light, red light, stop your rumors
I stay on track like a box of Pumas”

Honorable mention line:

“Some say ‘Khaled,’ some say ‘Khaleed'”

DJ Khaled Word Count: 12

LISTEN! (x4)

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2018 articles

9/2: Acuna ties Braves’ record for leadoff HRs

9/2: Deja vu as Braves rally in 8th to beat Bucs

9/2: Swanson showing pop with new batting stance

9/1: Braves storm back with 4-run 8th to down Bucs

9/1: Wright, No. 2 prospect, among Braves’ callups

8/30: Baez makes spectacular clutch grab in 9th

8/30: Heyward exits game with hamstring injury

8/30: Cubs pick up key win behind clutch hitting

8/30: Cubs acquire catcher Wilson; Mazzoni DFA’d

8/19: New Giants lineup struggles against Reds

7/8: Anderson posts scoreless return as A’s cruise

7/8: Blackburn lands on DL; Anderson returns

7/7: A’s storm back with 3 homers, win in extras

7/7: Joyce placed on disabled list with lumbar strain

5/27: Altuve’s historic run ends at 10 straight hits

5/27: Hinch ejected in finale with Indians

5/27: Astros lose wild one to Tribe despite Gattis’ HRs

5/26: Despite Altuve’s big game, Astros fall to Tribe

5/25: Astros rout Tribe with 11 runs in final 2 innings

5/24: Bregman, Marisnick power Astros’ win with HRs

5/24: Hinch likes mixing, matching with OF options

5/8: Castillo, Suarez fire on all cylinders vs. Mets

5/8: Reds acquire Harvey from Mets for Mesoraco

5/6: Early runs propel Miami to 4th straight series win

5/5: Castro’s 100th HR comes at same site as 1st

5/5: Sharp Smith backed by Castro, Bour homers

5/5: Mattingly turning to analytics for lineup shuffling

5/4: Miami unable to recover from Chen’s rough 1st

5/4: Marlins players recall Ichiro’s impact in Miami

5/3: Solarte, Donaldson hot in Cleveland in G2 loss

5/3: Solarte’s 5th hit an 11th-inning slam in G1 win

5/3: Bauer an admirer, emulator of Stroman’s slider

5/3: Blue Jays make moves as Donaldson returns

5/2: Rangers claim C Perez; Andrus to 60-day DL

5/2: Moore struggles in lopsided loss to Tribe

5/2: Forearm irritation sends Martin to disabled list

5/1: Rangers rake back-to-back HRs to seal win in 12

4/30: Rangers rally late, but shaky ‘pen falters in 8th

4/30: Perez placed on DL with right elbow discomfort

4/26: Fulmer dominant in second late loss to Pirates

4/26: Barbato excited in recall to provide ‘pen depth

4/25: Tigers’ offense can’t pick up Boyd in nightcap

4/25: Tigers win slugfest, erupt for 13 runs vs. Bucs

4/25: Lewicki serves as 26th man against Pirates

4/24: Tigers-Pirates rained out; DH on Wednesday

4/24: Gerber shirks family reunion for trip to bigs

4/14: Blue Jays-Indians game PPD by rain

4/14: Urshela begins rehab stint; Tribe faces roster call

2/23: Bobby Bonds first ever with five 30-30 seasons

2/21: Cuban prospect Martinez granted free agency

2/16: Reliever Simmons, Cubs agree to contract

2/14: Buzz: Could Yankees really land Machado?

2/13: Most intriguing position battles for all 30 clubs

2/9: Source: Lefty Holland joins SF on Minors pact

2/9: ‘Bilt to win: Group of big leaguers hits Vandy to train

2/8: CC proud to be part of exclusive ‘Black Aces’

2/8: Resilient Aiken poised to make jump in 2018

2/2: White Sox reportedly add Rondon to ‘pen mix

1/14: Source: Brewers sign Choi to Minors deal

1/14: Hall of Fame umpire Harvey, 87, passes away

1/7: Padres deal Solarte to Jays for 2 prospects

Categories: MLB | Leave a comment

2017 articles

12/30: Reports: Padres reuniting with Ross, Young

12/15: Giants unveil player development staff for ’18

12/3: Iowa, Boston College to play in Pinstripe Bowl

11/28: Orioles ink 14 to Minor League contracts

11/22: Judge has surgery, should be fine for camp

11/8: Canha has wrist surgery, should be ready by ST

11/8: Outfielder Martinez reportedly leaves Cuba

11/8: #AwardWorthy: Astros get 15 Esurance bids

11/4: Blue Jays decline to pick up Bautista’s option

11/3: Lind joins ranks of Nationals’ free agents

11/3: O’s decline options for Hardy, Miley

11/2: McKinney, Lopez win Fall Stars Game Final 2 Vote

11/1: Astros, Dodgers set World Series G7 lineups

10/31: Lawrence outrighted to Triple-A; roster at 39

10/24: Hill, Darvish follow Kershaw in LA rotation

10/24: No changes to Astros roster for World Series

10/21: #AwardWorthy: Vote for Machado

10/21: Jackson, Lindor up for Esurance awards

10/21: #AwardWorthy: Vote for Engel’s glove

10/21: #AwardWorthy: Vote for Kiermaier’s glove

10/21: #AwardWorthy: Vote for Coghlan

10/21: #AwardWorthy: Vote for Best Fan Catch

10/21: #AwardWorthy: Vote for Best Fan Catch

10/21: #AwardWorthy: Vote for Best Fan Catch

10/21: #AwardWorthy: Vote for Andrelton

10/21: #AwardWorthy: Vote for Pham, Martinez

10/21: Betts, Devers are MLB #AwardWorthy

10/21: #AwardWorthy: Vote for Harper, Rendon

10/21: #AwardWorthy Beltre up for Personality of the Year

10/20: A’s help replace 9-year-old fan’s memorabilia

10/20: Ex-Giant Bell named VP of player development

10/11: Gardner’s patience pays off late for Yankees

10/11: ‘Excited’ to advance, Yanks celebrate ALDS win

10/5: Judge struggles vs. Tribe’s curves in Game 1

10/4: Seasoned Gardner set to guide Baby Bombers

10/2: Brewers’ Derby in crowd during Vegas shooting

10/2: MLB announces Wild Card, Division Series umps

10/1: Before they were postseason bound: Indians

9/27: D-backs, OF prospect Patino close to deal

9/26: Indians seal home-field advantage in ALDS

9/26: Cubs lined up for Central clinch on MLB.TV

9/19: Sale, Sox go for sweep vs. Orioles on MLB.TV

9/18: O’s mourn death of farmhand Gonzalez

9/17: Tribe edges Royals behind EE, crisp Kluber

9/17: Flag raised as part of Tribe’s clinch celebration

9/17: Tribe to raise flag before Kluber faces Royals

9/16: Repeat after CLE: Tribe lands crown again!

9/16: Lindor’s extra-base hit streak sets club mark

9/16: Lindor, Indians win, then clinch AL Central title

9/16: Guyer sidelined after aggravating wrist issue

8/18: Twins promote No. 23 prospect Garver

8/18: Heaney returns from Tommy John on MLB.TV

8/17: New England, Southwest win LLWS openers

7/26: Moncada, Devers, Brinson hit 1st career HRs

7/24: Deadline looming, Cozart peaking at right time

7/24: Santana HRs as lefty, righty; Indians rolling

7/24: DeSclafani makes rehab start in Rookie League

7/23: Tribe rediscovering benefits of home cooking

7/23: Kluber’s 14-K gem helps Indians sweep Jays

7/23: Ramirez’s versatility a boon to Tribe’s bullpen

7/22: Salazar dominates with fastball in return

7/22: Lindor’s walk-off HR sparks happiest trot ever

7/22: Tribe to use 6 starters this turn through rotation

7/9: Kluber, Fulmer to close down season’s first half

7/8: Clevinger bests JV again; Brantley clutch in win

7/8: Kipnis exits with right hamstring injury

7/8: Santana rejoins Tribe after birth of daughter

7/7: Cards prospect reaches third on infield popup

7/6: Sale, Sox take on rising Rays on MLB.TV

7/5: Rays, No. 31 Draft pick can’t agree to deal

6/23: King Felix vs. Astros highlights MLB.TV slate

6/22: Surprise power: 30-year-olds tops in HR rate

6/22: Red Sox sign 2nd-round Draft pick Brannen

6/15: Roberts maintaining confidence in Hill

6/15: Indians’ bats erupt in rout of Dodgers

6/15: Bellinger interested in potential Derby showing

6/15: Hill, Tomlin to meet when LA tries to sweep Tribe

6/14: Dodgers shut down Urias due to shoulder issue

6/14: Puig suspended one game, fined for gesture

6/14: McCarthy, Kluber set to square off in Cleveland

6/13: Puig: I ‘stooped to their level’ with gesture

6/13: Kershaw tops Tribe after Bellinger bests Miller

6/13: Pederson back, but A-Gon lands on DL

6/7: Strasburg, Kershaw clash for first time on MLB.TV

6/6: Bone bruise in knee sends Travis to DL

6/6: D-backs place slugger Tomas on DL

6/5: Report: E-Rod advised to rest 3-4 weeks

6/5: No-no doubt: Volquez nets NL Player of Week

5/28: Bats thump Bucs as Harvey finds groove

5/28: Taillon sharp in rehab start at Double-A

5/27: Harvey, Glasnow clash in series finale

5/27: Cutch swinging hot bat after pushing reset

5/26: deGrom’s stellar start, Walker’s 2 HRs lift Mets

5/26: Cutch returns to lineup in the sixth hole

5/25: The Indians tried to stop Billy Hamilton by dropping a bag of quicksand at his locker

5/15: Robertson meets Robertson in Cleveland

4/5: Indians unveil Progressive Field upgrades

Categories: MLB | Leave a comment

2016 articles

11/1: Crisp celebrates birthday with Game 6 start

10/31: Return to AL rules boosts Tribe’s lineup, defense

10/30: Fans optimistic as World Series returns home

10/29: Fans rock in Cleveland as Tribe rolls in Chicago

10/28: Tribe fans watch, celebrate at Progressive Field

10/26: Salazar shakes off rust in relief appearance

10/26: Walking dread: Tribe gives Cubs easy access

10/25: Ramirez’s bat awakens with 3 hits in Gm. 1 win

10/24: Ramirez arrives in time to help Tribe’s run

10/19: Title town? Cleveland fans toast ALCS win

10/18: Return to defensive excellence key for Tribe

10/18: DYK: Facts and figures from ALCS Game 4

10/18: Tale of the Tape: Merritt, Estrada square off

10/17: DYK: Facts and figures from ALCS Game 3

10/17: Tale of the Tape: Kluber faces Sanchez

10/15: Tomlin’s curveball-heavy strategy successful

10/15: Kids join the fun at Cleveland Play Ball event

10/14: Indians in good position after preserving bullpen

10/14: Kipnis’ gem keeps Kluber’s escape act intact

10/10: Tribe fans could get used to this

10/7: Indians’ bullpen gets needed break in Game 2

10/7: Indians strike 1st with 4-run 2nd against Price

10/6: Perez makes splash in 1st postseason game

10/6: Family man: Francona’s dad throws out first pitch

10/5: Indians create, donate to Larry Doby Youth Fund

10/2: Arenado, Carter tie at 41 for NL home run title

10/2: Susac’s first ’16 HR lifts Crew in 10th

10/2: Cravy, Marquez meet as Brewers, Rockies close ’16

10/1: Carter lifts Crew in extras with 41st HR

10/1: Rockies eye series win as Hoffman faces Peralta

9/30: Weiss out to ensure LeMahieu’s batting title

9/30: Arenado hits No. 41 as Rockies beat Brewers

9/22: Dodgers host Rox in bid to close in on division

9/21: RBI-leader Arenado’s slam catalyzes Rockies

9/21: Cards overpowered by Rox, can’t gain WC edge

9/21: Cole OK, but sits after being hit during BP

9/20: Blackmon sets Rockies’ mark for leadoff RBIs

9/20: Waino’s 4 RBIs help Cardinals tie for top Wild Card

9/19: Bottom of order comes up big for Cards

9/19: Cards hold off Rox, tie for 2nd Wild Card

9/19: Matheny enjoys managing at Coors Field

9/18: Reynolds out for season with broken left hand

9/18: Murphy shows off power during big league stint

9/18: 5-run 4th leads Rockies to sweep of Padres

9/18: Bettis, Rockies go for sweep of Padres in finale

9/17: Gray’s 16 K’s lead Rockies past Padres

9/17: Gray looking for better result against Padres

9/17: Marquez set for first big league start Wednesday

9/16: Descalso a vital veteran presence for Rockies

9/16: Hoffman’s emergence reminds Weiss of Gray

9/7: Hamstring strain forces Parra to exit game

9/7: Giants stung by Rockies’ 9th-inning walk-off rally

9/7: Butler seeing results from changes to delivery

9/7: Rockies bring smiles to Children’s Hospital

9/7: CarGo earns Clemente nomination for charitable work

9/6: Weiss: Anderson’s success not limited to Coors

9/6: Giants scratch and claw to maintain WC edge

9/6: Rockies call up five to bolster roster depth

9/5: Bettis bests Giants for Rockies’ first CG of ’16

9/5: Raburn exits with left foot contusion

9/5: Rockies grateful for player’s union on Labor Day

9/5: CarGo slams as Bettis shuts out Giants

9/4: Gray laments allowing game to get away

9/4: Blackmon still dealing with back stiffness

9/4: Parra earning time at first base with Rox

9/4: D-backs rally late to win series from Rockies

9/3: D-backs ride 5-run third, hold off Rockies

9/3: Rockies welcome 96-year-old fan to Coors

9/3: Estevez, Ottavino rebound for Rockies ‘pen

9/2: Rockies slam D-backs with late 7-run surge

9/2: De La Rosa, Rockies open weekend set vs. Ray, D-backs

9/2: 7 Rockies prospects set for Fall challenge

9/2: Tapia among Rockies’ roster reinforcements

9/2: Rockies go gold for child cancer awareness

9/1: Weiss has drawn full support from players

8/31: Bullpen lets Rockies’ big lead slip away late

8/31: Cardullo hits slam, but Rox denied DH sweep

8/31: After 1st HR on 29th b-day, Cardullo hits slam

8/31: Rox blank Dodgers behind Anderson’s gem

8/31: Chatwood tapped to start Saturday

8/31: Rox get back Reynolds sooner than expected

8/31: Dodgers, Rockies to pit rookies in first game

8/30: Rain forces doubleheader on Wednesday

8/30: Mundell named South Atlantic League MVP

8/30: Chatwood nears return, could create logjam

8/29: Gray outduels Maeda as Rockies top Dodgers

8/29: Parra gets 1,000th hit; Cardullo notches first

8/29: Qualls still working to bounce back from illness

8/22: Lester to cross Petco Park off list vs. Jackson

8/21: Russell ‘at the top of his game’ with 2-HR showing

8/21: Arenado’s 2 HRs lead to Rockie day for Cubs

8/21: No major setback after foul tip off Soler’s knee

8/21: NL 3B stars face off in Cubs-Rockies finale

8/20: Montgomery impresses in first Cubs start

8/20: Bryant hits blast as Cubs sour Hoffman’s debut

8/20: Rockies’ Hoffman draws Cubs for Major League debut

8/19: Despite loss, dream debuts for Pena, Zastryzny

8/19: Cubs’ streak ends despite Fowler’s feats

8/19: Rain delaying first pitch of Cubs-Rox opener

8/19: Maddon gives Heyward the weekend off

8/19: Lackey, Rondon headed to disabled list

8/17: Anderson, Rox open set vs. Hendricks, Cubs at Coors Field

8/17: Wolters a different hitter since All-Star break

8/17: Freeland making case for Majors rotation spot

8/17: Strasburg, Gray square off to wrap series

8/17: LeMahieu’s hit streak ends at 8 straight ABs

8/16: DJ spins near-cycle to spur Rox past Nats

8/16: Rox call up Bergman, place Chatwood on DL

8/16: Bettis, Gio seeking rebounds in Nats-Rox tilt

8/15: Harper’s big hit saves Max as Nats nip Rox

8/15: Rox weigh options if Chatwood (back) hits DL

8/14: Hoffman making case for call to Majors

8/9: Rox, Rangers to continue Interleague tilt in Texas

8/9: Blackmon belts 7th leadoff homer of season

8/9: Rangers tap Rockies with another late rally

8/9: Ottavino to assume closer role from Estevez

8/8: Griffin, Chatwood each looking to rebound at Coors

8/8: Rangers stun Rockies with rally in ninth

8/7: Cervenka excited to join Marlins’ playoff push

8/7: 3-chiro: 3B for 30th to reach 3,000 hits!

8/7: Marlins roll on Ichiro’s historic day

8/7: Marlins’ ex-Yanks laud A-Rod’s career

8/7: Ichiro eyes 3,000th hit in Marlins-Rockies rubber match

8/6: Stanton’s long-distance area code: 504 feat

8/6: Pinch by pinch: Ichiro a hit away from 3K

8/6: Marlins add lefty Cervenka in deal with Braves

8/6: Marlins rally in 9th to turn tables on Rockies

8/5: CarGo, Descalso return to starting lineup

8/4: Bettis takes leadership role with Rockies’ staff

8/4: Birthday bash nothing new for Reynolds

8/4: CarGo OK after turning ankle on 2-homer night

8/3: Descalso’s experience could be key for Rockies

8/3: Dodgers to recall Stewart to take on Rockies

7/24: Surging Rox set to tackle important road trip

7/24: Weiss shares memories of Griffey, Piazza

7/24: Healthy again, McGee’s velocity returning

7/24: Anderson shows competitive fire in win

7/23: Braves’ Jenkins set for first Coors Field test

7/23: Oberg recalled to bolster Rockies ‘pen; Qualls to DL

7/23: Anderson looks to capitalize on Braves’ aggressiveness

7/23: Rockies hang on after Gray’s gem vs. Braves

7/22: Rockies break routine, take infield practice

7/22: Change in strategy benefits Bettis

7/21: Logan unconcerned as trade rumors swirl

7/21: Youngsters Gray, Teheran ready for rematch

7/20: Archer fans 11, delivers quality start in victory

7/20: Rays’ hits parade keeps Rockies at bay

7/19: McGee eager to face former Rays teammates

7/19: Inclement weather delaying start of Rays-Rox

7/19: Anderson, Story send Rockies past Rays

7/18: Miller uses break to get healthy … and married

7/18: Rays-Rockies series opener delayed by rain

7/10: Bullpen an area clearly in need of a boost

7/10: Rupp has four RBIs in Phils’ rout of Rockies

7/10: Eflin, Chatwood square off in first-half finale

7/10: Rusin throws sim game as next step in rehab

7/10: De La Rosa hopes to slow Freeman in Atlanta

7/9: Rockies’ rookie dings Phillies for first win

7/9: Gray’s comfort level at Coors Field is evident

7/8: Eickhoff, Anderson look to conquer Coors

7/7: Final Vote: Make Story an All-Star; vote or tweet until 2 MT

6/30: Wolters emulating catching idols behind the plate

6/30: Norris to make Dodgers debut vs. Rockies

6/29: Blue Jays conquer Rox behind Sanchez, Donaldson

6/29: Blue Jays, Rockies close series with young arms

6/28: Blue Jays wale on Rockies after hailstorm

6/28: Happ, Butler square off in Jays-Rox series

6/28: Dahl, Hoffman, Tapia picked for Futures Game

6/28: CarGo vaults Tulo on Rockies’ HR list

6/27: Story, LeMahieu improving, won’t need DL

6/27: Sizzling stretch nets Blackmon Player of Week nod

6/26: LeMahieu, Story injured in Sunday’s win

6/26: CarGo hits slam, Reynolds’ HR walks it off

6/26: Rockies still envision Butler as a starter

6/25: Corbin-Bettis matchup wraps series

6/25: Wolters blasts first homer on career day

6/25: Pitch, Hit & Run event a family affair

6/25: Rox win behind big days from De La Rosa, Wolters

6/24: D-backs rally in 9th to take wild one from Rox

6/24: Miller opposes De La Rosa as D-backs/Rox continues

6/24: Rookies Bradley, Anderson step into spotlight at Coors

6/24: Butler gives up 2 HRs but helps save bench

6/23: Ahmed delivers in nick of time for D-backs

6/15: Arenado belts 20th homer as Rox stay hot

6/15: Nova, Bettis to match up to wrap two-game set

6/15: CarGo still rising in All-Star ballot ranks

6/15: Rox, Marlins to begin weekend series in Miami

6/13: Rockies’ annual golf tourney a rousing success

6/12: Rox edge Padres in Anderson’s superb debut

6/11: Estevez named Rox closer after shutdown 9th

6/11: McGee to 15-day DL with left MCL sprain

6/11: CarGo, Chatwood lead Rox over Padres

6/11: Gray finds success with changeup vs. Padres

6/10: Myers’ 3-run HR caps Padres’ comeback vs. Rox

6/9: De La Rosa dazzles with four perfect frames

6/9: LeMahieu powers Rockies’ rout of Pirates

6/3: Disappointment lingers after series loss to Reds

6/3: Suarez leads power surge vs. Rockies

6/2: Logan could return to ‘pen Monday

6/2: Chatwood struggles with fastball command

6/1: Lamb silences Rockies’ potent offense

6/1: Chatwood looks to keep on rolling

6/1: LeMahieu seeing uptick in extra-base hits

6/1: Story making bid to start in All-Star Game

5/31: LeMahieu, Parra, CarGo fall 3B shy of cycle

5/31: Rockies club 7 homers to drub Reds

5/31: Motte being eased back into action

5/30: Rox’s Gray, Reds’ Moscot match up at Coors

5/30: Descalso on fire since return from DL

5/30: Rockies honor military on Memorial Day

5/30: Reds rip 5 HRs, outslug Rockies at Coors

5/29: Giants double down to take series from Rockies

5/29: Blackmon working to improve vs. elite lefties

5/28: Rockies looking to break through vs. Cueto

5/28: CarGo’s hard work to escape slump pays off

5/28: Rehabbing Ottavino has fun facing hitters

5/27: Rockies hoping to solve Bumgarner

Categories: MLB | Leave a comment

2016 Baseball Preview

Click here to download/view

Today is my favorite day of the year: the day I’m done with all my work on my annual baseball preview.

I’ve written these baseball previews every year going back to seventh grade, and after 10 years, this will be my last preview as I head off into the real world (yikes).

This season’s preview is 35 pages with all the usual analysis, scouting reports, and advanced stats along with breathtaking design from Microsoft Word. As always, the preview is 100 percent free, so feel free to pass it along to a friend or two or twelve.

It’s been a pleasure writing the past 10 years, and I’ll really miss writing these, although I won’t miss the sleepless nights.

Ten years ago, my first preview had David Ortiz on the cover, and I correctly picked the Red Sox to win the World Series. Fitting, then, that my final preview also features David Ortiz on the cover.

Did I pick the Red Sox to win the World Series again? Go find out for yourself.

Categories: MLB | Leave a comment

Week 4 NFL Picks – Donald Trump

I took two weeks off from writing about my picks because I’ve been lazy busy, but I’m back with another week of picks. Enjoy the picks, or just scroll down to the Donald Trump part.

As always, home teams are in CAPS.

Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked Game – 5 apples:

Giants (+5.5) over BILLS
I find it pretty funny that Kiko Alonso and LeSean McCoy are both already hurt. Pretty reminiscent of the Michael Pineda-Jesus Montero trade from yesteryear for you baseball nerds.

Vikings (+6.5) over BRONCOS
Adrian Peterson’s newest son is named Axyl, which is not okay. I will, however, stick by him if I’m getting nearly a touchdown against an aging Peyton Manning.

SEAHAWKS (-10) over Lions
This Jimmy Graham-Max Unger deal seems like a real loser for everyone. A depleted offensive in Seattle has slowed down Marshawn Lynch, and Russell Wilson hasn’t used Graham nearly as much as Drew Brees went to him. Meanwhile Unger is wasting away on a bad Saints team.

CHARGERS (-7.5) over Browns
What is Mike Pettine’s end game playing Josh McCown over Johnny Manziel? McCown has proven over and over that he’s just not a good quarterback, and we’ve seen flashes of how great Johnny Football can be. At least have fun while you’re stuck in Cleveland, Mike.

COLTS (-9) over Jaguars
Here is a running list of things better than the Jaguars:
1. Arizona State sorority girls’ attention spans
2. Joey Galloway’s perception of women
3. The Raiders’ owner’s haircut
4. Josh Donaldson’s interviewing skills (GO JAYS!)
5. Chris Stewart’s awareness of where he hit a ball
6. Donald Trump’s ability to keep a straight face
7. Donald Trump’s conspicuousness
8. Donald Trump’s ability to not gun for attention
9. Donald Trump’s ability to create jobs
10. Donald Trump’s image after getting absolutely slaughtered by South Park

Dunkin’ Donuts Plain Cake Games – 10 apples:

STEELERS (+3) over Ravens
Personally, I’m very excited to see Michael Vick play on this Steelers’ offense. Le’Veon Bell, Antonio Brown, and Martavis Bryant are pretty similar weapons to LeSean McCoy, DeSean Jackson, and Jeremy Maclin that he had in 2010 across the state in Philadelphia.

FALCONS (-6.5) over Texans
Between Ryan Mallett and Brian Hoyer, don’t you think the Patriots would have held on to one of them if they thought either had potential to be a starter down the road?

BENGALS (-4) over Chiefs
When your fantasy teams are going poorly, the only solace you can take is players you thought were overrated doing poorly. I did not think C.J. Anderson and Jeremy Hill belonged in the first two rounds, and they’re proving me right so far. Also my two teams are a combined 1-5.

SAINTS (-4) over Cowboys
The NFL’s flex schedule late in the season is made so, for instance, two potentially interesting teams lose their Pro Bowl quarterbacks and you get stuck with a bad game. Enjoy Luke McCown and Brandon Weeden, NBC!

KFC Double Down Games – 20 apples:

Dolphins (+1.5) over JETS
Thank God we sent our Who Cares? Game of the Week overseas to London.

Can we stop pretending that Kirk Cousins has potential to be a good quarterback? Dude is already 27 and has thrown more interceptions than touchdowns.

Can we stop pretending that Kirk Cousins has potential to be a good quarterback? Dude is already 27 and has thrown more interceptions than touchdowns.

Eagles (-3) over INJUNS
For anyone who wants to rain on the (really sad) Kirk Cousins parade, Hurricane Joaquin may hit the East Coast right around game time Sunday. That should be fun.

Panthers (-3) over BUCCANEERS
The Panthers are going to start 4-0 and get two weeks to prepare for Seattle on the road. I thought their schedule was a joke until I looked at Atlanta’s, and man, their hardest game of the season may be at Carolina. Wow.

Raiders (-3) over BEARS
I don’t know if this is more of a statement about how bad (Jimmy Clausen and) the Bears are or how much improved the Raiders are.

CARDINALS (-7) over Rams
It still blows my mind that Tyrann Mathieu fell to the third round of the NFL draft. Sure, he’s had drug problems, but the man is a playmaker and should’ve been swiped up in the second round at least by someone. I was personally shocked the Patriots didn’t draft him with one of their two second rounders, since they have a knack for taking players whose stock has fallen because of drugs (Brandon Spikes and Aaron Hernandez).

Texas Pete ain’t from Texas Lock o’ the Week – 50 apples:

Packers (-8.5) over NINERS
How this line is not double digits is beyond me. People must still be stuck on how good this game would have been a year or two ago.

Overall record: 26-21-1

Last week: 11-5

Apple total: 185

Apple total last week: 85

Categories: NFL | 1 Comment

Week 1 NFL Picks – Is Joe Flacco a ELITE quaterback?

I was thinking for a while about what I would write in the intro to my first NFL picks of the year, and then I remembered that no one reads the intro. So I won’t bother.

Here we go again, with home teams in CAPS and wagers in apples because gambling is “illegal.”

Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked Game – 5 apples:

Packers (-7) over BEARS
We’re still waiting to find out if Jay Cutler will work out in Chicago, which has been hard to tell because he’s had great receivers but no offensive line. The Bears tried to fix that this off-season by trading Brandon Marshall and not addressing the offensive line at all.

CHARGERS (-3) over Lions
Every once in a while, we get a player whose head shot is just hilarious. Go do yourself a favor and check out Orlando Franklin‘s picture.

Jordan Matthews

With Riley Cooper and Josh Huff as his biggest competition, Jordan Matthews is going to shoot for 1,500 yards this season.

Eagles (-3) over FALCONS

Titans (+3) over BUCCANEERS
I love the narrative that Marcus Mariota wasn’t throwing any interceptions at the start of camp. That’s probably got a little to do with the fact that he was going up against the Titans’ secondary.

COWBOYS (-6) over Giants
Dallas’ offensive line is so good that almost any halfway decent running back could turn into a 1,000 yard rusher. Which makes me really hopeful that Darren McFadden comes back to relevancy because boy was he fun in 2010.

Dunkin’ Donuts Plain Cake Games – 10 apples:

Browns (+3) over JETS
This season’s first Who Cares? Game of the Week is a doozy.

Dolphins (-3.5) over INJUNS
I’m not sure which is more offensive, Washington’s team name or how they’ve handled RG3.

PATRIOTS (-7) over Steelers
I’m slightly sad we didn’t get to see Jimmy Garoppolo win four games and pull a Tom Brady by taking Tom Brady’s job, but no suspension for TB12 will just have to do.

Saints (+2.5) over CARDINALS
Larry Fitzgerald signed deal with the Cardinals, I guess putting faith in a team that has given him the following quarterbacks to work with: Josh McCown, Shaun King, John Navarre (who?), Kurt Warner, Tim Hasselbeck, Tim Rattay, Matt Leinart, Brian St. Pierre, Derek Anderson, Kevin Kolb, Max Hall, John Skelton, Richard Bartel (who??), Brian Hoyer, Ryan Lindley, Carson Palmer, Drew Stanton, and Logan Thomas. It says a lot about an organization when Carson Palmer is by far the second-best quarterback they’ve been able to pair with Fitzgerald over the past 12 seasons.

Vikings (-2.5) over NINERS
Remember how laughable the Niners were back before Jim Harbaugh when Mike Singletary pulled down his pants during a halftime speech? Yeah, we’re going back to those days this season.

KFC Double Down Games – 20 apples:

Colts (-2.5) over BILLS
The Colts would kick some serious ass four years ago with Frank Gore and Andre Johnson. Too bad those two only got to play on five playoff teams in 22 seasons before meeting up on the Colts.

Seahawks (-4) over RAMS
I sat through an entire Rams-Titans preseason game and wanted to gauge my eyes out, so I’m definitely picking the Seahawks here as punishment.

Chiefs (+1) over TEXANS
I find it hard to believe that a team led by Brian Hoyer could be favored over a team that finished a half game out of the playoffs last season. And, you know, because they drafted Jadeveon Clowney, a.k.a. THE BIGGEST BUST EVER.

Bengals (-3.5) over RAIDERS
One of the funniest moments I can remember from the NFL draft is when the Raiders took Darrius Hayward-Bey as the first wide receiver ahead of surefire NFL superstar Michael Crabtree. Luckily they’ve corrected their mistake by signing him well after it was established that he is not very good.

BRONCOS (-4.5) over Ravens
Why would we need to make America great again when we have “Is Joe Flacco a ELITE quaterback” sign show up at the first GOP debate?

Texas Pete ain’t from Texas Lock o’ the Week – 50 apples:

Panthers (-3) over JAGUARS
Here is a running list of things better than the Jaguars:
1. Reggie Bush’s hurdling technique
2. Randal Grichuk’s throwing arm
3. Matt Williams’ popularity
4. Kansas State’s marching band’s ability to form a spaceship
5. Curt Schilling’s memes
6. Jeff Francoeur’s outfield defense
7. Jeff Francoeur’s ability to make contact
8. Jeff Francoeur’s plate discipline
9. Jeff Francoeur’s baserunning
10. Jeff Francoeur’s ability to tell that a teammate isn’t deaf for over a month

Overall record: 0-0

Last week: 0-0

Apple total: 0

Apple total last week: 0

Categories: NFL | Leave a comment

Top 25 Songs (feat. T-Pain)

As you may (or may not) have noticed, I haven’t done a ton of writing on this website this year. Between my 2015 Baseball Preview and coverage of Vanderbilt baseball, I’ve had plenty to keep me busy, but I wanted to bring back an old favorite this summer.

In my seven years of blogging, I’ve pretty much always stuck to sports. That changed two years ago when I ranked my Top 20 Kanye West songs and followed it up with my Top 20 Usher songs last summer. You can also check out my Top 10 DJ Khaled songs.

They’ve been fun to write, got good conversations going, and, more than anything, allowed me to enjoyed thinking a lot about my favorite songs of the past decade.

Each of the three artists I’ve ranked so far have been important to me. Kanye West is the greatest artist of this generation, Usher was the first artist I ever saw live in concert, and T-Pain made more iconic anthems than anyone during my early years of listening to pop music (2007-08).

There’s a great article in the New York Times that notes how 14 is a formative age for musical tastes. T-Pain was dominating the Billboard when I was that age, and his songs are among my favorite. The number one song on this list is more or less my favorite song ever.

One of the reasons T-Pain was able to dominate the Billboard in the mid-to-late-2000s was because he would admittedly work with anyone. Yes, he got to work with great artists such as Kanye West, Ludacris, and Lil Wayne, but he also helped create plenty of one-hit wonders by singing iconic hooks for no-name artists like Maino, 2 Pistols, and Baby Bash.

We even got such gems as T-Pain collaborating with Adult Swim and Cartoon Network to create hilarious animated shorts like “Auburn Sucks” and the 90-minute movie “Freaknik: The Musical,” plus he used his (in)famous Auto-Tune on President Obama.

I was lucky enough to see T-Pain live at Vanderbilt’s Rites of Spring this year, and it was pretty much the greatest moment of my life. He sang all his best songs for well over an hour and even free-styled over Royals by Lorde. I cried a little.

Anyway, I digress. This is a list of my favorite songs by one of my favorite artists ever. I don’t expect you to agree with all the rankings (although I won’t argue about the top four songs), but I hope this starts a conversation about a top-hat wearing, (formerly) dreadlocked, Auto-Tuned rapper (ternt sanga) who is somehow only 29.

25. I’m Sprung

T-Pain (2005)

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 8

We’ll kick off this list with T-Pain’s first top-10 Billboard song. Despite bringing Auto-Tune into the mainstream, this song isn’t very heavy on Auto-Tune, which is a rare find on this list. T-Pain’s debut album was titled “Rappa Ternt Sanga,” and he really shows off his voice in this song. He sang the song complete sans auto-tune for Larry King late last year, and it turns out he’s actually a really good singer without Auto-Tune. He showed off his voice for NPR a month before that as well. This song falls lower on my list because it’s somewhat repetitive and a little slow for me, but it’s still a classic.

Best T-Pain Part:

“She got me doin’ the dishes
Anything she want for some kisses
I’m cookin’ for her when she gets hungry
All she doin’ is actin’ like she want me”

Funny T-Pain sound of the song:

Doo doo doo doo-doo doo doo doo doo-doo doo doo-doo doo doo

24. Hey Baby

Pitbull (feat. T-Pain) (2010)

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 7

This was a last-minute call for me over Go Hard by DJ Khaled with Kanye’s great “George Bush hates black people” reference. I really hesitated putting a Pitbull song on this list, but this hook is too infectious for me to ignore. T-Pain was so good that he helped give Pitbull his third ever top-10 single. Top-10 was old hat for T-Pain at this point, though, since he had already been a part of 13 other songs to chart that high. The duo would later collaborate with Sean Paul to create Shake Señora, which topped out at 69 on the Billboard Hot 100. I feel like that’s a really Pitbull thing to do.

Best T-Pain Part:

“Hey, baby girl, whatcha doin’ tonight?
I wanna see what you got in store
Givin’ it your all when you’re dancin’ on me
I wanna see if you give me some more”

Best Non-T-Pain Part:

None it’s Pitbull

Funny T-Pain sound of the song:


23. Shawty Get Loose

Lil Mama (feat. Chris Brown and T-Pain) (2008)

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 10

Lil Mama is best known for her (banger of a) song Lip Gloss, but T-Pain saved her from being a one-hit-wonder, elevating her to a two-hit-wonder with her second (and likely final) top-10 Billboard song. T-Pain collaborates with Chris Brown, who will appear a few more times on this list, and is able to keep up with her high-speed, high-energy beat with a rare 16 bars of rap with impressive speed. This is one of the few times T-Pain is featured on a song but doesn’t sing the hook; it’s just fun and infectious and brings me way back to 2008.

Best T-Pain Part:

“What it do, Teddy to the Piz-ain
You already know, tell ’em I’m the miz-ayne
Shawty, yee ain’t messin’ wit a lizz-ame
Imma have you loose on the floor, you gon’ be steppin’ wit a cizz-ane”

Best Non-T-Pain Part:

“The way we get loose, we move our shoulders
Forward, heads back
Get it in Control like Janet Jack”

Funny T-Pain sound of the song:

Nappy Boy!!!

22. Drankin’ Patna

T-Pain (2014)

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: N/A

This song hasn’t charted well because it’s not on an album yet and hasn’t been marketed well as a single. I hadn’t even heard of it before I went back through T-Pain’s discography and stumbled upon it, but it’s great. Believe it or not, T-Pain said it’s his favorite song right now, adding that “Drankin’ Patna’s one of them songs that you go around the country and just look for people to drink with, and I think I’ve found a few. But nobody can beat my wife. That’s not even a question.” The song is very solid, but I’m not too surprised he picked it as his favorite considering when Snoop Dogg asked him what his favorite drink is, he took a long pause and said, “I’m alcoholic, man, that’s a very tough question.”

Best T-Pain Part:

“Oh I think I need her to drink a drink with me
I found the girl of my dreams and I got you
I done found me a drinking partner
Everybody want her
She be sipping that Corona
And we ain’t turnin’ up in the club without her
I done found me a drankin’ patna”

Funny T-Pain sound of the song:


21. I’m Dancing

T-Pain (feat. Flo Rida) (2011)

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: N/A

I remember eagerly waiting for T-Pain’s fourth album to come out, and RevolveR took seemingly forever because it was delayed over a year. I’m Dancing was supposed to be on the album after it was leaked to the internet with Dance With Me, but neither song ended up making the final cut nor even got released as a single as Rap Song, Take Your Shirt Off, Reverse Cowgirl, and Booty Wurk eventually were. It doesn’t even exist on iTunes, although you can find it on Spotify. Still, this is one of those songs that I get instantly excited for as soon as it comes on. It checks off most of the boxes of a great T-Pain song: a catchy hook, high energy, a couple “shawties,” and a strong guest appearance by a big name.

Best T-Pain Part:

“Do you wanna party?
Do you wanna go home?
Let’s get this party started
We can do it all night long
And I, I’m dancing
And I, I’m dancing
Let’s get this party started”

Best Non-T-Pain Part:

“Yeah I got a grand I’m the man
I don’t take it out the rubber band
Girl it’s the courtesy of T-Pain”

Funny T-Pain sound of the song:

Hey hey … hey!

20. Good Life

Kanye West (feat. T-Pain) (2007)

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 7

From my No. 20 to No. 14 songs, we’ve got seven great songs from 2007 and 2008 on which T-Pain is featured. They’re all really closely bunched together, and I could easily be convinced that they belong a couple spots differently than I have them ranked right now. Good Life is obviously a great song because it’s by Kanye (and off one of his best albums), but it falls at the bottom of this group because I didn’t have the same connection to the song as I did to the next six songs when it originally came out. My list, my rules.

Best T-Pain Part:

“The good life, better than the life I lived
When I thought that I was gonna go crazy
And now my grandmama
Ain’t the only girl callin’ me ‘baby'”

Best Non-T-Pain Part:

“Have you ever popped champagne on a plane, while gettin’ some brain
Whipped it out, she said, ‘I never seen Snakes on a Plane'”

Funny T-Pain sound of the song:

Hey… heyy… oooh!

19. She Got It

2 Pistols (feat. T-Pain and Tay Dizm) (2008)

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 24

Not only has T-Pain dramatically changed my life by making some of the best music known to man, he also made 2 Pistols boatloads of money by singing the hook to She Got it. Sure, he largely ends up just saying “She got it” (66 times to be exact), but as always, T-Pain manages to make the hook sound great. I’ll admit to buying two other 2 Pistols songs (You Know Me and That’s My Word), but I can assure you that none of his other music is good, especially when he’s not featuring T-Pain, Ray J, or Trey Songz. Also, did you know that 2 Pistols came out with his second album just last year? Good for him.

Best T-Pain Part:

“I know she got it cause she lookin’ at me like she want it
She drop it low, make me wanna throw some D’s on it
Whatever it is you can’t stop it
Cause she get low, when she on that pole, and that lets me know”

Best Non-T-Pain Part:

“Excuse moi, let me talk to you for a second
Lil mama so fine she got the whole squad sweatin’
Damn, how you fit all that in them jeans?
Was the question that I asked followed by lemme Buy U a Drank”

Funny T-Pain sound of the song:

Yeah-eah… Yeah-eah-eah… Hey!

18. One More Drink

Ludacris (feat. T-Pain) (2008)

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 24

This is irrationally one of my favorite Ludacris songs (up there with Get Back, Runaway Love, Pimpin’ All Over the World, and Money Maker), and it has been for a long time. I even did a project my senior year of high school where I made a commercial for Coca-Cola using this song (I’ll sell the rights to it for cheap, and I think the Atlanta connection with Luda is a surefire win). I was very upset when Luda didn’t sing it at Commodore Quake last fall, and I can’t remember if T-Pain sang it at Rites this year, but I’m pretty sure he didn’t. It’s a real shame because this song has a great message that Luda gives at the end: “You hear what I’m sayin’? People too picky these days, dammit. Too tall, too short, too fat, too skinny. Have a couple of drinks and quit discriminatin’.” The music video is hilarious too.

Best T-Pain Part:

“If I take one more drink, I’m gon’ end up fuckin’ you
Is that what you wanna do, shawty?”

Best Non-T-Pain Part:

“Surrendered to the woman end up bringin’ me home
Cause she started lookin’ better every shot of Patron, yup!
I jumped up with a devilish grin
Cause tonight, damn right I might do it again”

Funny T-Pain sound of the song:


17. Shawty

Plies (feat. T-Pain) (2007)

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 9

How can you not love a song featuring T-Pain that is called “Shawty?” I don’t think there could be a more classic T-Pain song with the sheer amount of Auto-Tune and “shawties.” People like to make fun of Lil Jon for only saying “okay,” “yeah,” and “what?” in his songs, but T-Pain has his own Holy Trinity of words. That’s “shawty” (pronounced “shaw-tay”), “woah” (pronounced “woah-ooh”), and “yeah” (pronounced “yea-yea-yeah”). Look out for them in all his songs. For some reason, I just love the part right after the hook when Pain just sings “woah” over and over for 24 seconds before sprinkling in a couple “shawties.”

Best T-Pain Part:

“Now, even though I’m not your man, you’re not my girl imma call you my shawty
Cause I can’t stand to see you treated bad, I beat his ass for my shawty
And we ain’t did nothin’ that we ain’t supposed to do cause you my shawty
Baby girl you know I be home, keep me on the ringtone
Shawty sang it to me girl!”

Best Non-T-Pain Part:

“I exposed her to real and now she hate lame
Remember she used to run from me, now she like pain
She call me sometimes just to ask is it her thang
Ever since I ran up in shawty, she ain’t been the same”

Funny T-Pain sound of the song:

“Woah oh-oh woah woah woah oh-oh woah woah woah oh-oh woah
Woah oh-oh woah woah woah woah woah woah woah oh-oh woah

16. I’m a Flirt

R. Kelly (feat. T.I. and T-Pain) (2007)

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 12

I’m not going to pretend like T-Pain alone made this song how great it is because he only sings one verse (and doesn’t even sing the hook), but he just adds the icing on top of the cake. The only thing holding this song on my list is its general lack of T-Pain; he sings less than a minute of the five-plus minute song. On the other hand, it would have had a totally different feel with him singing the hook instead of R. Kelly. There’s another version of this song out there with Bow Wow singing instead of T.I. and T-Pain, but I can’t imagine what madman would prefer that version.

Best T-Pain Part:

“I be like como se llama, lil mama me llamo Pain
What is your name?
I’m feeling your vibe and I’m hoping you feel the same
Imma wink my eye and let you know I got the game
When I pass by I know exactly what you say
He’s so fly, yes he’s so cool”

Best Non-T-Pain Part:

“She looking at you, and I walk by
You turn your head, she wink her eye
I can’t help it if she checkin’ for a platinum type of guy
She be calling my daddy, and I be calling her mommy
She be calling you Kelly when your name is Tommy”

Funny T-Pain sound of the song:

When I uh, when I uh, when I uh, when I…

15. The Boss

Rick Ross (feat. T-Pain) (2008)

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 17

The Boss is the quintessential Rick Ross song in my book, and T-Pain absolutely delivers on the hook and his short interlude. T-Pain also happens to continue the trend of repeating the name of the song a ton, just like She Got It and Shawty. This time he says “boss” 24 times in a 10-second span. Just great stuff. Man, I love T-Pain. You also get to enjoy a good deal of shirtless Rick Ross and seeing just how big of a boss he is in the music video that was shot well before Ricky Rozay became skinny.

Best T-Pain Part:

“And shawty straight diggin’ me, and I ain’t even rich
I know you n****s on the sideline like, “Ain’t that a bitch?”
I’m on my job and I ain’t gettin’ off
Cause it’s just another day in the life of the goddamn boss”

Best Non-T-Pain Part:

“I don’t smoke twenties, eight hundred for the izzerds
I’m the biggest boss that you seen thus far
You can tell by the strongs that’s standin’ by the car”

Funny T-Pain sound of the song:

The boss, boss-boss the boss
Boss-boss the boss, boss-boss the boss
The boss, boss-boss the boss
Boss-boss the boss, boss-boob the boss

14. Cyclone

Baby Bash (feat. T-Pain) (2007)

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 7

This is another song that people just get hype for as soon as it the song starts. Everybody recognizes it, and Lil Jon did a great job incorporating synths. It’s pretty amazing considering how great this song is that Baby Bash has done quite literally nothing since this song came out. But did you know that Baby Bash came out with five whole albums before Cyclone came out? Only two of those even cracked the Billboard Top 200. Just think about that. Him making Cyclone is like a blind squirrel finding a nut, except it’s more like a tone-deaf squirrel writing a hit song (but only because he was working with T-Pain). Even though he doesn’t sing to the hook to the song, T-Pain puts the magic touch on this song by making car engine/cat noises at the end.

Best T-Pain Part:

“Shawty got looks (and)
Shawty got class
Shawty got hips (and)
Shawty got ass”

Best Non-T-Pain Part:

“She moves her body like a cyclone
And she makes me wanna do it all night long
Going hard, when they turn the spotlights on
Because she moves her body like a cyclone”

Funny T-Pain sound of the song:


13. Up Down

T-Pain (feat. B.o.B) (2013)

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 62

Despite working on his new album Stoicville: The Phoenix, T-Pain has barely come out with any songs since releasing RevolveR in late 2011. Up Down has been the highlight of the small bunch; Drankin’ Patna and Make That Shit Work are his only songs along with some featured parts on random artists like Sergey Lazarev, DJ Kay Slay, and Wisin & Yandel. Did I make up those names? Maybe. Anyway, the beat of Up Down is infectious, and B.o.B does a great job on the third verse. Just a very good song overall.

Best T-Pain Part:

“Go do a show then
Bring some more in
Pockets bigger than a Samoan
I’m at the stage every time shawty go in”

Best Non-T-Pain Part:

“Let them bands go, let them bands go
Watch a n***a throw a grand or so on that camel toe
And be like ‘Damn boy, why you cuffing that ho?’
The whole team smashed her and you ain’t even know”

Funny T-Pain sound of the song:

Ahh… ahh… ahh!

12. Turn All The Lights On

T-Pain (feat. Ne-Yo) (2011)

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 113

I honestly have no idea how this song didn’t chart well. This is yet another song that gets me instantly hyped and is one of the first times T-Pain really experiments with EDM. The hook just sounds like the anthem to somebody’s Friday at 5 p.m. This is easily T-Pain’s best song off RevolveR; some people prefer 5 O’Clock or Drowning Again, but those are too sad and slow for my taste. All the best T-Pain songs are about going to the club, drinking, and having a good time. That’s a pretty common theme through all his songs really.

Best T-Pain Part:

“Take off your shoes (shoes shoes)
Ain’t nobody gon’ see nothin’
Bring out the booze (booze booze)
Baby girl stop frontin’
Ain’t nothin’ to lose (lose lose)
And I ain’t gotta work no more
Fuck that place, fuck my boss
Imma buy the bar, don’t care what it costs”

Best Non-T-Pain Part:

“Shawty is a perfect ten
This angelic body made for sin
I love the way you get it in
Come over here and shake it for a gentleman”

Funny T-Pain sound of the song:


11. All I Do Is Win

DJ Khaled (feat. T-Pain, Ludacris, Snoop Dogg, and Rick Ross) (2011)

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 24

Nobody pumps out songs with A-List rappers quite like DJ Khaled. He’s due for his eighth album in ten years in a few months and already has 112 songs released during that span. I may or may not own 37 of them. Although I’m So Hood and I’m On One charted better, All I Do Is Win is undoubtedly his most famous song for no other reason than every single sports stadium in America (and likely abroad as well) owns this song and plays it after they win a game. Just like after they win a championship, they will play We Are The Champions by Queen. Not but a minute after the US Women’s Soccer Team defeated Japan (wooooo!!!!), the sports bar I was at started playing the song. But I don’t mind because it’s great, and T-Pain kills the hook.

Best T-Pain Part:

“All I do is win win win no matter what
Got money on my mind I can’t never get enough
And every time I step up in the building
Everybody hands go up
And they stay there, and they stay there
And they stay there, up down up down up down”

Best Non-T-Pain Part:

“Time and time again while I’m sipping on this gin
Al Davis said it best, ‘Just win baby, win!'”

Funny T-Pain sound of the song:


10. Got Money

Lil Wayne (feat. T-Pain) (2008)

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 10

Lollipop will always be Lil Wayne’s best song (and was atop the Billboard Hot 100 for five weeks), but Got Money is right there with it. T-Pain gets Lil Wayne to use Auto-Tune for pretty much the first time of his career, and the song is a jammer. The hook is unforgettable, and it brings me straight back to middle school dances. Those were the best times.

Best T-Pain Part:

“If you got money
And you know it
Take it out your pocket and show it, then throw it like
This-a-way, that-a-way, this-a-way, that-a-way”

Best Non-T-Pain Part:

“Okay we go one for the money
Two for the show
Now clap your hands if you got a bankroll
Like some clap on lights in this bitch
Imma be clappin’ all night in this bitch”

Funny T-Pain sound of the song:

Yeah-eah… ooh-ooh… ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh

9. I’m N Luv (Wit a Stripper)

T-Pain (feat. Mike Jones) (2005)

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 5

Although it falls at the back of my top 10, this song is potentially the most classic one by T-Pain, his top charting song for the first album and three years of his musical career. For one thing, he finally answers the age-old question of a nice way to describe a girl’s brown eyes (butter pecan brown). According to the song’s Wikipedia page, he produced the song using GarageBand in about two hours. I find that very hard to believe but worth sharing. And if that’s true, that should be the commercial for GarageBand right there: throw together some Auto-Tune, synths, and sexually-charged lyrics and get a top-10 Billboard song in two hours!

Best T-Pain Part:

“Droppin’ low
She comin’ down from the ceiling to the floor
Yeah she know what she doin’ (yeah yeah yeah)
She doin’ that right thang (yeah yeah yeah yeah)
I need to get her over to my crib and do that night thang
Cause I’m in love with a stripper”

Best Non-T-Pain Part:

“But I can’t even lie, the girls are here so fly
She slidin’ up and down that pole got me mesmerized
Mike Jones don’t ever trick, but goddamn she thick
I can’t lie, I must admit”

Funny T-Pain sound of the song:


8. I’m On A Boat

Lonely Island (feat. T-Pain) (2010)

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 56

At No. 8, I love absolutely everything about this song, which should tell you how great T-Pain is/how much I love T-Pain. As with most Lonely Island videos (shouts out to I Just Had Sex and Jack Sparrow), the choreography is incredible, with so many little Easter Eggs around the video. As for T-Pain’s part, his constant background singing is perfect for the absurd lyrics, and he hits on all three of his key words (woah, yeah, and shawty) in the last 14 seconds of the song in the best way possible. The song is parodying many rap cliches and was actually nominated for Best Rap/Sung Collaboration at the Grammy’s, an honor T-Pain rarely earned (unfortunately).

Best T-Pain Part:

“Never thought I’d see the day
When a big boat coming my way
Believe me when I say, I fucked a mermaid”

Best Non-T-Pain Part:

“Hey ma, if you could see me now
Arms spread wide on the starboard bow
Gonna fly this boat to the moon somehow
Like Kevin Garnett, anything is possible”

Funny T-Pain sound of the song:

Yeahhhhh yeahh-yeahhh yeahh-yeahh.. woahhh-ooooh sh-sh-shaw sh-sh-shaw sh-shaw-shaw sh-shaw-tay shaw-tay yeahh-yeah-yeahhh

7. Freeze

T-Pain (feat. Chris Brown) (2008)

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 38

Easily the best song on Thr33 Ringz (apologies to Can’t Believe It), Freeze is a hard song to dislike. The song was originally supposed to be featuring Omarion, but it was eventually changed to Chris Brown. That’s a good thing because as it turns out, Chris Brown and T-Pain go together like peanut butter and jelly. They’ve collaborated on six songs, netting four songs that cracked this list (including three in the top ten) along with Look At Her Go and (the admittedly catchy) Algo Me Gusta de Ti. I’m pretty disappointed this song never charted well because I love it, and more people need to.

Best T-Pain Part:

“You know what I do if you can do it too
Then that’s just somethin’ that makes me more attracted to you
And I, and I wanna see you break it down, for me
Yes, we in this private party girl I like your body
But can you tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, tic, pop, lock, and drop it?”

Best Non-T-Pain Part:

“Girl lets get it poppin’ (crackin’) tell me how you feel
Let’s get up on this floor and do this thing for real
Cause we, you and me, can really break it down, together”

Funny T-Pain sound of the song:

Woahh-ooh ah-ahhhh-ahhhh-ahhh woahh

6. Best Love Song

T-Pain (feat. Chris Brown) (2011)

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 33

I’m not sure I like Chris Brown and T-Pain trying to harmonize (or rather, I know I don’t like it), but that doesn’t stop Best Love Song from being one of T-Pain’s best. When a bunch of singles leaked off of RevolveR, this was the only one that really charted well and ended up being the only leaked single to make it onto the album. The up-tempo beat and nice lyrics work together well, and the song is hard not to like. If T-Pain and Chris Brown collaborated on an album like Watch The Thrones or Face Off, I wouldn’t complain at all.

Best T-Pain Part:

“Turn up the bass, turn up the treble
I’m ’bout to take it to a whole other level
DJ turn up what you’re playing
I want the whole club to hear what I’m saying”

Best Non-T-Pain Part:

“You know it’s right, just do the wave
Girl just move your body like a snake
And if you wanna get with me
Put your hands in the air, show me that energy”

Funny T-Pain sound of the song:

Hey hey hey hey-hey-hey hey hey hey heyyy hey hey hey-hey-hey hey hey hey

5. All the Above

Maino (feat. T-Pain) (2009)

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 39

Give me synths, drums, and violins in the background of a song, and I’m all about it. Add in a T-Pain hook, and it’s an all-timer. I’m honestly shocked that this song didn’t chart well considering how widespread this song is. It’s been used by so many (college) sports teams, and nearly everyone knows the hook. That’s probably because the hook is simple and catchy, including “all the above” 28 times throughout the song. But still. I find it amazing how many people (especially girls) know this song, and pretty much everyone loves it. Even more amazing because Maino is the biggest one-hit wonder T-Pain has ever made a hit song with; dude only has two other songs that charted in the Billboard Top 200 (Hi Hater at 108 and Let It Fly at 106).

Best T-Pain Part:

“Tell me what do you see, when you’re looking at me?
On a mission to be, what I’m destined to be
I done been through the pain and the sorrow
The struggle it’s nothing but love
I’m a soldier a rider a ghetto survivor and all the above”

Best Non-T-Pain Part:

“The new Benz is all white, call it John McCain”

Funny T-Pain sound of the song:


4. Bartender

T-Pain (feat. Akon) (2007)

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 5

Now we enter the pantheon of T-Pain songs: four songs from 2007 that can all make a case to be T-Pain’s best single. Bartender is a little slower than the other three atop the list, which bumps it down a bit, but it’s every bit as good as the rest of the group. Like any great T-Pain song, this one is about drinks and has a killer verse by a featured artist. Also like any great (T-Pain) song, people immediately lose their mind when it comes on because the beginning is instantly recognizable. No. 4 is no insult, it’s just a testament to how great T-Pain was, especially in 2007.

Best T-Pain Part:

“Broke up with my girl last night so I went to the club
Put on a fresh white suit and the Mini Coop’ sittin’ on dubs
I’m just lookin’ for somebody to talk to and show me some love
If you know what I mean… uh huh”

Best Non-T-Pain Part:

“Got a passenger side that’s empty wantin’ it to be yo’ spot
Put you on my Billboard we can act like the charts I can end up on top”

Funny T-Pain sound of the song:


3. Kiss Kiss

Chris Brown (feat. T-Pain) (2007)

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 1

I was really tempted to make this the number two song, but this song gets a very respectable bronze medal. By far T-Pain’s best work with Chris Brown, this is an unforgettable song that was built to be sung along with because of its call and response nature. Brown originally wanted the hook to be “She’s chunky, chunky (chunky, chunky) / She’s thick, thick (thick, thick),” but thankfully someone had him change it. The beat is just so iconic, which is a main reason why this song peaked atop the Billboard Hot 100 for three weeks, knocking Crank That off the top of the chart. I’m still waiting on Nappy Boy Radio to go live, though, because I would buy a subscription in a heartbeat.

Best T-Pain Part:

“She want that lovey dovey (lovey dovey)
That kiss, kiss (kiss, kiss)
In her mind she fantasize ’bout gettin’ with me
They hatin’ on me (hatin’ on me)
They wanna diss, diss (kiss, kiss)
Because she mine and so fine, thick as can be”

Best Non-T-Pain Part:

“I’m the epitome of this demonstration, I got the remedy
You feelin’ me, so why is you hatin’ on my anatomy?
It’s bird-like, yeah, you heard right
Girl I’m the king, so that means I’m fly”

Funny T-Pain sound of the song:


2. Buy U a Drank

T-Pain (feat. Yung Joc) (2007)

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 1

No song brings me back to leanin’ and rockin’ at middle school dances (with the exception of Lean wit It, Rock wit It) quite like Buy U a Drank. It’s just such a classic, and I absolutely love T-Pain backing himself up in the hook with a few signature “woahs,” straight out of Ne-Yo’s So Sick. This was T-Pain’s first-ever No. 1 Billboard single, and it’s also the only song to ever chart in each of the top 12 positions, the second to ever chart every top 10 position. It would be the greatest T-Pain song if not for his third number one hit…

Best T-Pain Part:

“Baby girl, what’s your name?
Let me talk to you, let me buy you a drink
I’m T-Pain, you know me
Konvict Muzic, Nappy Boy, ooh wee”

Best Non-T-Pain Part:

“Won’t you meet me at the bar, respect big pimpin’
Tell me how you feel, mama tell me what you sippin’
A certified dime piece, deserve Louis 13
150 a shot, 3 for you and 3 for me”

Funny T-Pain sound of the song:

Yeahh-yeah-yeahhh… ahhooooh-oooohh-oooohh

1. Low

Flo Rida (feat. T-Pain) (2007)

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 1

The was the most iconic song of 2007 and my time at middle school (just edging out Crank That), and T-Pain sings the most iconic part. It was the most downloaded song of the 2000s as well because it’s that amazing. You know how Metta World Peace wore #37 because MJ’s Thriller was atop the charts for 37 weeks? If I were in professional sports, I would wear No. 110 for the number of weeks Low was atop the Billboard Hot 100. This song is so great, I can’t even put words to it. This was the first major hit song when I started listening to pop music, and it will always have a special place in my heart. I will audibly freak out if it ever comes on the radio. That’s why it ends up atop my list. I’m also waiting to go to a dynamic duos date party, in which case I need someone to wear apple bottom jeans and boots with the fur to go with my baggy sweatpants and Reeboks with the straps.

Best T-Pain Part:

“Shawty had them Apple Bottom jeans
Boots wit the fur (wit the fur)
The whole club was lookin’ at her
She hit the flo’ (she hit the flo’), next thang you know
Shawty got low-low-low-low-low-low-low-low”

Best Non-T-Pain Part:

“That’s what I told her, her legs on my shoulder
I knew it was over, that Henny and Cola
Got me like a solider, she ready for Rover
I couldn’t control her, so lucky oh me
I was just like a clover”

Funny T-Pain sound of the song:


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