Monthly Archives: November 2013

Week 13 NFL Picks – Thankful For Tina

There are many things to be thankful for around this time of the year. Football. Food. Family. All the other F’s of this holiday season.

But the thing I’m most thankful for this week is huge Giants fan and noted ridiculous person Cristina Dafonte and her football picks. Because I am apparently incapable of picking football games correctly.

Because I lost apples last week–largely thanks to my Cook Out Drive-Thru Lock o’ the Week Panthers exactly covering their spread–Turnt Up Tina will be taking over my picks for the second time in three weeks. This is going to happen every week after I fall in the red for the rest of the season, if not the foreseeable future.

Week 13 NFL Picks. Home teams in CAPS.

Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked Games:

Raiders (+9.5) over COWBOYS
I promised Kayla I’d pick the Raiders. That’s it that’s all that matters.

Broncos (-5) over CHIEFS
I know I can’t believe that that they’re favored over Kansas City. But I think that I’m going to have to pick the Broncos because a) we believe in Peyton Manning, and b) he deserves a win after that game against the Patriots last week.

VIKINGS (-1) over Bears
I don’t really know. I don’t really care about this particular game. Then I’ll pick the Vikings to win by more than a point. Well it’d be hard for them to win by just one point, so yeah I’ll pick them.

Dolphins (+2) over JETS
So last time I picked the Jets, and my dad read the picks, and his only advice to me was to never pick the Jets. So I’ll pick the Dolphins.

TEXANS (+7.5) over Patriots
I’m going to go with Houston. I don’t have it in me to root for Tom Brady ever.

Dunkin’ Donuts Plain Cake Games:

LIONS (-6) over Packers
Isn’t Aaron Rodgers not playing for the Packers? Isn’t he hurt? According to Google, he is hurt. I’m gonna go with Detroit.

BROWNS (-7) over Jaguars
Here is a running list of things better than the Jaguars:
1. Proposing to a girl in an airport
2. Shoppers’ survival rate on Black Friday
3. Americans’ geographic knowledge of America
4. Miley Cyrus’ new eyebrows
5. Miley Cyrus in negative
6. Cristina Dafonte’s ability to wrap a present
7. Cristina Dafonte’s ability to hide her drink
8. Cristina Dafonte’s ability to wink
9. Cristina Dafonte’s taste in wizards
10. Cristina Dafonte’s ability to just be a normal, functioning person for one night

BILLS (-3) over Falcons
Well then I’m definitely picking the Bills because they’re definitely the only people in this country who know how to play in weather as cold as it is in Buffalo. (It’s being played indoors in Toronto.) It still doesn’t matter; its freezing there.

Cardinals (+3) over EAGLES
No I’ll pick the Cardinals. I’ll never pick the Eagles ever because I hate the Eagles. They are the worst team ever. Not worse than the Cowboys, though, second worst.

CHARGERS (-1) over Bengals
Like really who cares about San Diego and Cincinnati football teams? Who’s favored to win? San Diego? Sure.

KFC Double Down Games

Titans (+4.5) over COLTS
I’m going to pick the Titans because the last time I picked against the Titans, it felt sacrilegious. I live in Tennessee.

Steelers (+3) over RAVENS
Pittsburgh Steelers, right? Pittsburgh’s the Steelers? Yes they are. I don’t know why, but I’m going for it.

PANTHERS (-8) over Buccaneers
Because you like the Panthers, and it’ll make you happy if they win.

NINERS (-8.5) over Rams
Because they kicked the shit out of the Redskins last Monday, which I realize isn’t that hard to do.

Saints (+5) over SEAHAWKS
Good lord okay. I just googled the Seahawks’ quarterback because I didn’t know who he was. So I’m going to go with the Saints because I know who Drew Brees is.

We believe in Eli Manning.

We believe in Eli Manning.

Cook Out Drive-Thru Lock o’ the Week:

Giants (-1) over REDSKINS
Who do you think I’m going to pick, Ben?

Overall record: 82-88-6

Last week: 6-7-1

Apple Total: -355

Apple Total Last Week: -20

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Week 12 NFL Picks – Big Daddy Indonesia

I gave up my picks last week to friend of the show Cristina Dafonte, and whaddya know, she did better than I’ve done most of this year. To add insult to injury, it was my seventh most read article of all-time, the most since my Top 20 Kanye West songs post.

But since she only went 7-6-2 and made me 10 apples, and I still have 335 apples to make up (plus I’m stubborn), I’ll be reclaiming my picks this week. If and when I do worse than her this week, she’ll be back for more picks. Don’t worry.

Also, I’ve received at least one question about what each category of games means. Check out my first picks of the year, which gives a translation for the apple value of each of my unofficially official sponsored games.

Without further ado, here are my Week 12 NFL Picks. Home teams in CAPS.

Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked Games:

Buccaneers (+9) over LIONS
Quiz time! Is Bobby Rainey a) the stage name for a Seattle weatherman, b) one of the featured artists on Rick Ross’ upcoming album Mastermind, or c) the Buccaneers new running back? Well, this is under the Bucs game, so hopefully you got this one right. It’s c.

Vikings (+5) over PACKERSQuiz time! Is Kevin Cossom a) a Kevin Costner impersonator available to perform at Bar Mitzvahs, b) one of the featured artists on Pusha T’s new album My Name Is My Name, or c) the Packers’ new backup to quarterback Scott Tolzien? Ha! Trick question! He’s actually a singer!

Bears (+1) over RAMS
Two backup quarterbacks? It’s your Ain’t Nobody Got Time For That Game of the Week.

RAIDERS (-1) over Titans
The Titans had an extra week of preparation, but is that really enough time to prepare for Matt McGloin and the Raiders?

Dunkin’ Donuts Plain Cake Games:

TEXANS (-10) over Jaguars
Here is a running list of things better than the Jaguars:
1. The Minnesota-Penn State football trophy
2. Amare Stoudemire’s defense
3. Minnesota TV reporters’ skating skills
4. Chris Webber’s analysis
5. MLB Tonight’s analysis
6. Johnny McCrary’s ability to ride a fish
7. Johnny McCrary’s ability to remember what page he’s on
8. Johnny McCrary’s ability to not be a lion cub
9. Johnny McCrary’s singing voice
10. Johnny McCrary’s ability to not do weird things with his tongue while he dances in front of a camera

Cowboys (+2.5) over GIANTS
I don’t have anything to add to this game other than Turnt Up Tina probably would have picked the Giants and made this her Cook Out Drive-Thru Lock o’ the Week. So I’m going to inevitably miss this one and forfeit my picks to her next week.

RAVENS (-3.5) over Jets
I’m 1-9 picking Jets games this year, including missing the last 8, so take this pick with a full shaker of salt.

Broncos (-2.5) over PATRIOTS
I feel dirty picking against the Patriots getting points at home, but the Broncos are just such a better team right now. And to address the Gronkroversy from Monday night, yes he was definitely interfered with, but there’s no way he could have gotten back to the ball before Lester did. That’s it. Go Panthers!

KFC Double Down Games

Saints (+9.5) over FALCONS
This line made me sad because this series used to be so fun when teams had good quarterbacks.

We've really glanced over the fact that Andre Ellington had multiple dreadlocks pulled out of his head. How was he not writhing in pain on the ground?

We’ve really glanced over the fact that Andre Ellington had multiple dreadlocks pulled out of his head. How was he not writhing in pain on the ground?

Colts (+2) over CARDINALS
Earlier this week, Trent Richardson said, “I’m not frustrated at all because I think I’ve been playing good.” I’m not sure which is more embarrassing: his perception of good play or his Alabama-quality grammar.

CHIEFS (-5) over Chargers
Alex Smith being 28-6-1 in his last 35 games has to be one of the dumbest stats brought up all the time. Smith is a competent quarterback who happens to play on teams loaded with Pro Bowl payers. However, it’s a perfectly applicable stat when he plays against bad teams at home like the Chargers.

Niners (-4.5) over REDSKINS
We have a Monday Night Football matchup of Robert Griffin III and Colin Kaepernick. Which is RG3 vs. the new RG3. Which is the new Cam Newton vs. the new RG3. But now that’s the second year Cam Newton vs. the second year RG3. Follow?

Steelers (+2) over BROWNS
The Cleveland Indians are selling Terry Francona 2013 AL Manager of the Year shirts. That’s the kind of thing Cleveland sports fans have to get excited about.

Cook Out Drive-Thru Lock o’ the Week:

Panthers (-4) over DOLPHINS
Minus a DeAngelo Williams fumble and pre-Riverboat Ron coaching in Buffalo, the Panthers would be 9-1. Yeah, almost every team has moments like these each season, but this Panthers team is really good and really fun. Hop on the bandwagon!

Overall record: 76-81-5

Last week: 7-6-2

Apple Total: -335

Apple Total Last Week: 10

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Week 11 NFL Picks – Tina’s Takeover

Last week I improved, picking eight of the fourteen games correctly. But because I missed the Cook Out Drive-Thru Lock o’ the Week for the seventh time this year (the Texans lost by a half point! A half point!!!), I lost 35 apples on the week.

So instead, huge Giants fan and noted ridiculous person Cristina Dafonte will be making my picks this week. All the analysis is hers. Enjoy.

Week 11 NFL Picks. Home teams in CAPS.

Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked Games:

Vikings (+12.5) over SEAHAWKS
Seattle’s going to win this game because have you ever been to a home game in Seattle? It’s miserable and they’re terrible humans. The fans are so loud and annoying and awful. Ooh that’s a lot of points, but still the Vikings suck. I think they’re going to win but not by 12.5 points

Raiders (+7) over TEXANS
Texas is going to win by 3 because the Raiders lost to the Giants by 4, and how embarrasing is that?

DOLPHINS (+1.5) over Chargers
You can decide a reason for that one. Am I supposed to know any players on these teams? Oh it’s in Miami. That’s why.

Redskins (+3.5) over EAGLES
Oh Redskins because fuck the Eagles! I hate the Eagles, but not as much as I hate the Cowboys.

Dunkin’ Donuts Plain Cake Games:

BUCCANEERS (+1.5) over Falcons
I’m going with the Bucs because you have to pick an upset every once in a while.

BEARS (-3) over Ravens
Because Bears are stronger than Ravens. I don’t have anything else to say about this game. I don’t care who wins TBH.

BENGALS (-6) over Browns
Sure six sounds like a good number. The Bengals are 6-4 and the Browns are 4-5.

Cardinals (-12) over JAGUARS
Here is a running list of things better than the Jaguars:
1. Food that squirms while you eat it
2. This little girls’ situational awareness
3. British flag wavers’ spelling at NFL games
4. Kids’ reactions when you take their Halloween candy
5. The quality of substitute teachers in Pennsylvania
6. Cristina Dafonte’s ability to wear a tie
7. Cristina Dafonte’s ability to climb a tree
8. Cristina Dafonte’s ability to drink normally
9. Cristina Dafonte’s choice in food
10. Cristina Dafonte’s ability to just be a normal, functioning person for one night

PANTHERS (-2.5) over Patriots
Tom Brady may be the best-looking quarterback in the NFL with the hottest wife, but you can’t have it all.

KFC Double Down Games

Colts (-3) over TITANS
Oh yeah, I’m picking the Colts because because the Titans lost to the Jaguars, the only team worse than the Giants.

Jets (+1) over BILLS
Jets! J-E-T-S Jets Jets Jets! I’m actually a fallback Jets fan.

Lions (-2) over STEELERS
I don’t really know who either of these teams are. Except the Steelers. Because they wore those really awful uniforms one time.

Niners (+3) over SAINTS
Who’s the quarterback for New Orleans? Isn’t he someone I should know? (Drew Brees) Yeah he’s really good. Is the quarterback for the 49ers someone I should know? (Colin Kaepernick) Oh yeah I know his name. Who’s the team that has Andrew Luck? (Colts) 49ers.

Chiefs (+8) over BRONCOS
Kansas City is undefeated. But still, Peyton Manning. It’s just I don’t know it’s hard to pick against the team that’s undefeated, but it’s also hard to root against Peyton Manning. I’m going to go with Kansas City. But I hope Peyton doesn’t get mad at me.

We believe in Eli Manning.

We believe in Eli Manning.

Cook Out Drive-Thru Lock o’ the Week:

GIANTS (-5) over Packers
We believe in Eli Manning.

Overall record: 69-75-3

Last week: 8-6

Apple Total: -345

Apple Total Last Week: -35

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Champions Classic Running Diary

The best night of college basketball we’re going to see all season is on a Tuesday in November. For NBA Draft nuts like me, the Champions Classic this year is just about basketball porn.

Kentucky. Michigan State. Duke. Kansas.

It just doesn’t get any better than this. We have 15 of the top 35 draft prospects, according to ESPN’s Chad Ford, and four of the top-5 ranked teams.

I’m so excited about tonight that I’m going to keep a running diary of the games, which you can track throughout the night, with Jackson Martin of the Dirty South Sports Report:

Ben, 6:35 PM CT: I’m a little bit surprised Aaron Harrison is getting the start over Alex Poythress. Hey, if you’re upset about your lack of playing time, Alex, I know a school from your home state of Tennessee that would love to have you!

Ben, 6:46: Our first all-freshman lineup for Kentucky as Cauley-Stein is pulled for Dakari Johnson! It also just hit me that every single player on this court is younger (and way more talented) than me.

Jackson, 6:54: Michigan State looks like me playing NBA 2k14 where on defense I just keep hitting the X button. Sure, you get a ton of steals in a short period of time, but this is going to backfire eventually.

Jackson, 7:02: I don’t really buy into the thinking that you need experience to win the national championship, but early season games with an all-freshman team can get ugly. We’re seeing that on both ends with Kentucky right now.

Ben, 7:04: I’m just amazed how big Kentucky is. With the Harrison twins starting, every player is between 6-foot-6 and 7-foot. Forget offense, when this team matures by the end of the year, it’s going to be a defensive monster.

Ben, 7:07: I feel like every time I look up from my laptop, Michigan State’s on a fast break. Julius Randle’s been making some weird passes around the perimeter, so I wonder if Kentucky should just slow down the ball and let him bang in the paint.

Jackson, 7:14: Kentucky is forcing the dribble-drive offense right now and Michigan State is just bodying them up. The Wildcats look like the Harlem Globetrotters with all the rotating handoffs they’ve had at quarter-court.

Ben, 7:18: Kentucky’s already down nine points with six minutes left in the half, but they’re also in the bonus. They need to cut down their high volume of long shots and take advantage of their size and MSU’s foul situation. Their height (and talent) is going to help them rack up a lot of fouls this year.

Jackson, 7:22: Here’s why Julius Randle is my No. 1 pick in the NBA Draft: When I watch him play, he can either take the ball up the court or post up a PF on the block and not look out of place. He’s one of those rare guys who has the abilities to play 4 or 5 positions on the court.

Ben, 7:24: Sure he’s a senior, but Adreian Payne has a spot at the next level as a late first-round pick if he can consistently knock down a three. He’s got great hops, good defensive instincts, surprisingly good shooting, and most importantly, a great name.

Ben, 7:29: I’m starting to really like Gary Harris. I’m thinking he’s either a worse Bradley Beal or a better Willie Green. Probably somewhere in between.

Jackson, 7:30: Kentucky’s dribble-drive offense is creating wide-open outside shots. Young has started knocking them down, and if the Wildcats can hit those threes with any consistency this is going to be a game again real quick.

Ben, 7:37: The big difference I’m seeing so far between this Kentucky team and the championship team two years ago is defense. There’s no Anthony Davis or Michael Kidd-Gilchrist right now (although some of the young guys could develop into similar players), but for now UK needs to get back on defense quicker. MSU is just running over them.

Ben, 7:52: Side note: I love Kanye, I love Yeezus, and I’m so happy Black Skinhead is taking over commercials and basketball arena soundtracks.

Ben, 7:55: I’m not nearly as high on Randle as Jackson is (and by that I mean I wouldn’t take him 1-1 right now), but MAN is he fun to watch. 6 straight points to open the second half capped off by a coast-to-coast drive. He’s got some serious power moves you rarely see from young guys.

Jackson, 8:13: This is what I mean. There’s going to be some time this second half where Kentucky dominates play for stretches of time. And watching those stretches shows you the true potential of this young team. They probably won’t win this game, but by the end of the year Kentucky will likely be the best team in the country.

Jackson, 8:14: Coast-to-coast for Michigan State with no dribbles. Man, that’s beautiful basketball.

Ben, 8:16: Places Kentucky needs to improve: free throw shooting (6-16), turnovers (16), assists (4 in 18 field goals), and making freshman mistakes.

Jackson, 8:19: Ben, did you just copy and paste that list from the last four years? These are the things Kentucky struggles with for half a season every year. I’ve got a feeling this is going to turn out okay for the Wildcats.

Ben, 8:21: You’re not going to beat Michigan State with iso or post-up plays. Kentucky needs a lot more ball movement and more rotations, which may not happen until the offense is more cohesive later in the year.

There aren't many true post scorers left, but Randle is one of them. And he's damn good.

There aren’t many true post scorers left, but Randle is one of them. And he’s damn good.

Jackson, 8:23: Julius Randle is a man playing college basketball. The turnovers are a problem, but it’s his first real game. Everything else he’s doing makes you see why he’s so highly touted. He will make some NBA fanbase really, really happy.

Jackson, 8:29: It’s now a three-point game with another strong finish from Randle. I will be amazed and terrified for everyone else if Kentucky can pull this game out.

Ben, 8:30: Kentucky is going to win this game. Look out.

Ben, 8:33: If Randle weren’t on this AAU Kentucky team, he’d put up numbers like another guy who wore #30, Michael Beasley. Don’t laugh, Beasley put up a 26.2-12.4-1.2-1.3-1.6 line on .543/.479/.774 shooting at K-State. R.I.P. good Michael Beasley.

Jackson, 8:47: I hate player comparisons as much as you do, Ben, but does Randle remind you of any NBA players? I’m trying to place it, but can’t quite come up with who.

Ben, 8:49: Well he just hit four straight clutch free throws towards the end of the game, so clearly not Dwight Howard!!! But in all seriousness, maybe he’s a much higher ceiling, thicker version of Chris Bosh, who, by the way, is actually a really good player. Maybe I’m thinking that because this is “The Best Draft Class Since ’03” and Bosh was the first big man off the board, but still.

Jackson, 8:57: Randle just scored over a triple-team. I have a new man crush. He is ridiculous.

Ben, 8:57: I’m going to wait until after Wiggins and Jabari go head-to-head before I decide on a man crush. And I love Dante Exum too. Dear Lord, I already love this draft class. Please tank, Horncats!

Ben, 9:02: Yes, Michigan State won and was the better team tonight. But man is Kentucky going to be scary (and so fun to watch) by the end of the year.

Ben, 9:05: The biggest problem I’m going to have all year with Kentucky is remembering which Harrison twin is which. Thank God for their different haircuts and uniform numbers.

Ben, 9:12: Wait the United Center is playing The Way I Are by Timbaland. I’m a fan.

Ben, 9:18: Congrats to Vanderbilt, earning their first win of the season in a 86-80 takedown of former Kentucky Wildcat Ryan Harrow’s Georgia State Panthers. Imagine if UK still had Harrow, too…

Ben, 9:25: I don’t like Tyler Thornton starting over Andre Dawkins and Rasheed Sulaiman for Duke. I’d like at least one ball-handler off the bench.

Ben, 9:33: Early prediction: Jabari Parker has a better college season than Andrew Wiggins. He’s a lot more polished, but when I saw Wiggins in high school, it was easy to see how talented he was. Wiggins will probably have a better pro career, but you can see the rough edges.

Ben, 9:38: “That’s (Wiggins’) first collegiate basket, and I can assure you it won’t be his last.” Thank you, Dickie V. Bring me back Jay Bilas.

Ben, 9:40: I was really wondering how you pronounce Joel Embiid’s name, and it turns out it’s what I expected: em-BEED. There are about fourteen other pronunciations you couldn’ve told me and I would’ve believe any of them.

Ben, 9:43: Ever since Wiggins reclassified into the Class of 2013, Jabari Parker has been thrown a lot of shade. But dude can play. Just in the last five minutes, he hit a pair of threes (one was an and-one), blocked a shot, and stole a pass.

Ben, 9:48: Good to see Wiggins come inside to grab an offensive rebound and put it back in. At Huntington, he would often drift along the perimeter waiting for the ball, since his team had really good guards and big men. He has even more talented teammates at KU, so he’ll really want to show his assertiveness here.

Ben, 9:54: Quinn Cook was Duke’s most improved player last year, and Amile Jefferson may be that guy this year. He’s beefed up a bit–enough that he’s playing a de facto center for Duke–and looks a lot more comfortable in the lane. He was pushed around a lot last year.

Ben, 10:04: Wiggins has been quiet (and on the bench) for most of the game. Still, Randle and Parker look just as good as advertised–if not better. As Meat Loaf will tell you, two out of three ain’t bad.

Ben, 10:13: 19 points, 4 rebounds, 3 steals, 1 assist, and 1 block later for Jabari Parker in the first half, it seems like a good time to bring up this video.

Andrew Wiggins may be the better long-term prospect, but Jabari Parker is a better player right now.

Andrew Wiggins may be the better long-term prospect, but Jabari Parker is a better player right now.

Ben, 10:31: Look, I might be a naïve Duke fan, but Jabari Parker seems like a hard guy to dislike. He’s not crazy, he smiles all the time, and he’s Mormon. Who hates Mormons!

Ben, 10:37: I’ve seen Wiggins play in about two and a half games, and I’m not sure if I’ve seen him hit a single three-pointer. I can’t even recall him hitting a jumper, although I’m sure he has. That’s an issue if he’s going to be a shooting guard, but until he figures out his shot, he just needs to drive more, which he can do very well.

Ben, 10:56: Jabari Parker has had a lot of success jumping interior passes, leading to his three steals. This time, Wayne Selden caught him and snuck past Parker to Embiid for an easy deuce. Selden has been one of the most impressive Jayhawks, especially with his excellent passing.

Ben, 10:58: My television’s ESPN feed is having broadcast issues, and every play is shown at 90% speed before the screen glitches every five seconds. Wiggins went up for a fast break dunk and hovered for what seemed like forever, and I’m not quite sure if it was the faulty signal or his freakish athleticism.

Ben, 11:06: For some bizarre reason, Coach K played 6-foot-2 Tyler Thornton on 6-foot-8 Andrew Wiggins for two possessions. Wiggins posted him up the both times, scoring first and drawing a foul the second time. Thornton is a very good defender, but there’s only so much you can do against an athletic freak a half foot taller than you.

Ben, 11:11: Embiid just missed a free throw by hitting the backboard first. Yeah, that’s what only been playing basketball for three years looks like.

Ben, 11:17: Parker’s floater in the lane was about the twelth time tonight I’ve just yelled something not fit for print OH GOD HE JUST HIT A THREE.

Ben, 11:27: Rick Bonnell, a fantastic Bobcats beat writer for the Charlotte Observer I worked with this summer, just made a great point on Twitter I’ve always said. People are clamoring for players to stay in college basketball 2 years. Sure, that’s fine, but only if Randle, Wiggins, and Parker can go pro out of high school. These guys don’t belong in college, and the NBA has no reason to keep them in college for two years (or any time at all).

Ben, 11:32: Rodney Hood turns it over, Wiggins gets a fastbreak dunk, and Parker fouls out with Kansas up 6 and just over a minute left. That’ll just about do it for the game, but there’s no doubt both teams are great and both stars are just unbelievable.

Ben, 11:37: This is why I love college basketball. I love watching elite future NBA players, and I love a lot of scoring. Ain’t nobody got time for that 37-36 Georgetown-Tennessee nonsense.

Ben, 11:44: What a night of really good performances. We’ll look back on this night in about five years and be amazed by how many great players were on one court over five hours.

Categories: College Basketball, NBA, Running Diary | Leave a comment

Week 10 NFL Picks – Tebow Vince Favre

As you may have seen, last week I went with every favorite after some analysis that showed that favorites had won 53% of their games. Unfortunately, favorites won only 38% of their games last week, although I did make 10 apples, mostly thanks to nailing just my 3rd Cook Out Drive-Thru Lock o’ the Week of the year.

With that in mind, I’ll be going back to my normal way of picking games: running multiple game simulations, analyzing several advanced metrics, reading the comments sections from Bleacher Report, and then picking a name out of a hat.

Week 10 NFL Picks. Home teams in CAPS.

Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked Games:

Eagles (+1.5) over PACKERS
Brett Favre Vince Young? Tebow. Tebow Tebow Tebow. Favre Tebow Young? Jimmy Clausen.

GIANTS (-7) over Raiders
What’s weird about the Raiders/Eagles game last week is that the Raiders out-gained Philly 560-542. The 49-20 score made it looks worse than it was. Still, Oakland can’t stop the pass, and that’s the one thing New York can do. Plus playing at 10 a.m. West Coast time is a recipe for disaster.

RAVENS (+1.5) over Bengals
I can’t see Baltimore dropping three straight to division rivals, especially with Geno Atkins out for the year and the Ravens getting points at home. Then again, I’m 2-6 picking Ravens games this year. I should really stop picking Ravens games.

BEARS (+2.5) over Lions
Ryan Riess won the World Series of Poker last night in a Calvin Johnson jersey, so it looks like it’s all downhill from here for people in Lions jersey this year.

Zac Stacy

Zac Stacy is the best college running back I’ve ever seen. Of course, I’ve only seen Vanderbilt games.

Rams (+9.5) over COLTS
Despite their 6-2 record, the Colts peripherals don’t look fantastic. They’re actually being out-gained 367.3 yard to 340.9 yards, and have only two victories that would cover this 9.5 point spread. I like the Colts, but not this much.

Dunkin’ Donuts Plain Cake Games:

TITANS (-12) over Jaguars
Here is a running list of things better than the Jaguars:
1. Florida fans’ situational awareness
2. Little kid’s evasiveness skills
3. James Young’s ability to defend his own basket
4. Evan Longoria’s innovative new swing
5. David Wright’s innovative new swing
6. Prince Fielder’s ability to avoid inside pitches
7. Prince Fielders’ spacial recognition skills of where third base is
8. Prince Fielder’s ability to not resemble a bowling ball
9. Prince Fielder’s aggressiveness on defense
10. Prince Fielder’s ability to not trip over himself, kick his helmet, and then nearly remove second base

STEELERS (-3) over Bills
As mediocre as the Steelers have been, there’s just no way I’m taking Jeff Tuel with a spread less than a touchdown.

Seahawks (-8.5) over FALCONS
Seattle hasn’t have blowout wins this year except when they play a pretty bad team (Jacksonville and Arizona) or the Niners. The Falcons just might be a pretty bad team.

Cowboys (+7) over SAINTS
The Cowboys are one of my favorite teams to bet on because the lines get skewed from of the universal hatred of Tony Romo. Sure, the Saints will probably win this, but Romo’s had a very strong season and is fully capable of a backdoor cover. That’s actually not a joke.

KFC Double Down Games

Broncos (-7) over CHARGERS
Two questions from last week’s Chargers game. If Danny Woodhead was tackled millimeters from the end zone, why was the ball placed at the one-foot yard line after consulting replay? Also, why didn’t the Chargers run it four times on 1st and goal from a foot out? (Answer: Norv Turner)

Dolphins (-3) over BUCCANEERS
I think the Florida teams are trying to out-Florida each other. The Bucs have a MRSA outbreak and an insane coach who ran off their starting quarterback, the Dolphins have a noted crazy man doing all sorts of hazing and racially insensitive activities with teammates throwing blame everywhere, and the Jaguars are the Jaguars.

Redskins (-2) over VIKINGS
I don’t have any jokes for this game, so here it is: your Ain’t Nobody Got Time For That Game of the Week!

Panthers (+6) over NINERS
You may not know a single player other than Luke Kuechly on the Panthers defense, but they’ve got potentially the best front 7 in the NFL. And that’s after they traded Jon Beason. Oh, and Cam Newton is Colin Kaepernick but good.

Cook Out Drive-Thru Lock o’ the Week:

Texans (+2.5) over CARDINALS
These locks of the week make me so nervous. I’d take Texans (-2.5), so why does this feel wrong? Houston is the best team in terms of pass defense, so Arizona will have to lean on Andre Ellington and Rashard Mendenhall. And I swear Arizona isn’t good. Really.

Overall record: 61-69-3

Last week: 5-8

Apple Total: -310

Apple Total Last Week: 10

Categories: NFL | Leave a comment

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