Monthly Archives: September 2013

I’m in debt like a recently retired athlete. Week 4 NFL Picks. Home teams in CAPS.

Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked Games:

RAIDERS (+3) over Redskins
You know what’s crazy? Terrelle Pryor looked remarkably competent last week. Put him up against the 31st ranked pass, run, and scoring defense, and he might keep it close enough to cover this spread.

Jets (+4) over TITANS
We often forget to include Jake Locker in the “athletic quarterback” group. I lump him in there because he definitely should not fall under the “good passing quarterback” heading.

SAINTS (-6.5) over Dolphins
No, this pick has nothing to do with the Dolphins ruining my Cook Out Drive-Thru Lock o’ the Week last week.

Eagles (+10.5) over BRONCOS
We’ve got the top-ranked rushing team up against the top-ranked rush defense. Chip Kelly’s high-paced offense will likely give Peyton Manning the ball for at least 60 percent of the game, which will make it tough to win, but Denver’s weak secondary should keep the Eagles within 11 points. I mean the Raiders only lost by 16. The Raiders!

Dunkin’ Donuts Plain Cake Games:

VIKINGS (+2) over Steelers
It sure is a good thing we sent our Ain’t Nobody Got Time For That Game of the Week overseas.

Bengals (-4.5) over BROWNS
Forget Brian Hoyer passing for 321 yards, he needed 54 attempts to do it, and it was on a 55.6% completion rate with three touchdowns. The Browns are in perfect position to tank, even if they beat the 0-3 Vikings.

Cowboys (-2) over CHARGERS
Hasn’t everyone been burned at least once by having Philip Rivers or Tony Romo as a fantasy quarterback?

Any guesses who these guys are? It’s Brady and his top two receivers. Yep, he’s got a worse receiving core than his ’03 team of Deion Branch and David Givens.

Cardinals (+2.5) over BUCCANEERS
I’ve seen Mike Glennon play once, and he looked absolutely terrible against Vanderbilt in the Music City Bowl. Small sample sizes for the win!

Patriots (+2) over FALCONS
Look, I’m not one to pass up an opportunity to take the Patriots (in primetime) and get points.

KFC Double Down Games:

Niners (-3) over RAMS
Did you know that last week was the first time a Jim Harbaugh Niners team lost two games in a row? Something tells me Sam Bradford, Isaiah Pead, and Chris Givens won’t be making that three in a row.

Ravens (-3.5) over BILLS
It’s very hard to recover from losing to the Jets. The last three teams to do so lost again the next week. Also, c’mon it’s the Bills.

Bears (+3) over LIONS
Three weeks ago, I’m guessing most of you thought that Joique Bell was either a) a French artist b) an R&B singer or c) someone from the new Key & Peele East/West Bowl. Well now he’s the Lions’ leading rusher.

CHIEFS (-4) over Giants
And I thought the Panthers were in trouble last week. The Giants’ offensive line was like an accident you just can’t seem to take your eyes off, and Eli Manning was the brutal victim.

Seahawks (-3) over TEXANS
The Texans topped the 7-point mark in the first half for the first time this season, but then they forgot to score in the second half against the Ravens. Good luck against Seattle’s defense.

Cook Out Drive-Thru Lock o’ the Week:

Colts (-8.5) over JAGUARS
Here is a running list of things better than the Jaguars:
1. Rashad Johnson’s ability to flick someone off
2. Mark Richt’s ability to not be creepy and gross
3. Movies about European Gigolos
4. White girls twerking on a door
5. Miami Marlins hitters
6. Philip Rivers’ ability to throw the football forward
7. Philip Rivers’ ability to handle a snap
8. Philip Rivers’ ability to smile
9. Philip Rivers’ ability to frown
10. Philip Rivers’ ability to remember that he’s playing American football, not European football

Overall record: 21-25-2

Last week: 7-8-1

Apple Total: -145

Apple Total Last Week: -45

I’m back like a hefty Ndamukong Suh fine. Week 2 NFL Picks. Home teams in CAPS.

Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked Games:

BENGALS (-7) over Steelers
I’m hopping on the “Steelers Are Actually A Bad Team But We’re Not Going To Fully Recognize It Until About Week 7” Bandwagon early.

Vikings (+6) over Bears
This game reminds me of something very important. Back when The Other Adrian Peterson was still playing, the best way to piss someone off was to join a mock fantasy football auction and bring up TOAP with the first bid. Some dope will inevitably blow $20 on a guy who averaged 160 yards per season over his eight-year career. Yep, that’s the kind of fun I have. Call me.

PACKERS (-7.5) over Redskins
Hearing Redskins fans boo Riley Cooper made me laugh last week.

TEXANS (-9) over Titans
Where exactly are the Titans headed? Jake Locker and his nifty 55.5% completion rate probably isn’t a long-term answer, and Chris Johnson and Kenny Britt just aren’t very good anymore. What a disaster of a team. And they beat the Steelers by 7.

Jets (+11.5) over PATRIOTS
I want with all my heart to pick the Pats, and I so desperately do not want to have to root for the Jets, but this line is too big. Rex Ryan plays New England close, who is missing Danny Amendola (get used to that) and Shane Vereen.

Dunkin’ Donuts Plain Cake Games:

RAVENS (-6.5) over Browns
What inspires this line to be so low? Was it the confidence inspired by Cleveland only losing to Miami by 13? Or their rookie head coach having formerly led the Panthers juggernaut offense? Or their blue chip running back only rushing for 47 yards?

Niners (+3) over SEAHAWKS
Anquan Boldin might be the 2007 Randy Moss of this fantasy football year. They were both formerly top-tier receivers coming off “meh” seasons who were joining new teams. Both became the #1 receiver for very good quarterbacks. Obviously Moss and Tom Brady are better than Boldin and Colin Kaepernick, but how on Earth did so many people whiff on Boldin in fantasy?

RAIDERS (-5.5) over Jaguars
Here is a running list of things better than the Jaguars:
1. Songs about days of the week
2. Dane Cook jokes just in general
3. Drinking milk outside during the summer
4. That goddamn Hump Day commercial
5. Carlos Gomez’s ability to run in from center field
6. Miguel Cabrera’s ability to stand on third base
7. Miguel Cabrera’s ability to lay off inside pitches
8. Miguel Cabrera’s ability to dance like Shakira
9. Miguel Cabrera’s ability to play nicely with little people
10. Miguel Cabrera’s ability to not drink whiskey after being pulled over by cops, ask them to “kill me,” and then spill his plans to blow up a steakhouse

EAGLES (-6.5) over Chargers
You can take the Norv off the Chargers, but you can’t take the Norv out of the Chargers. Or something like that.

FALCONS (-6.5) over Rams
Sam Bradford didn’t look bad at all last week, but he’s not going to be in charge of stopping Matt Ryan. If Steven Jackson hung onto that last-second touchdown pass against the Saints, this line is at least three points higher.

KFC Double Down Games:

Panthers (-3) over BILLS
The Panthers are so frustrating because they’re incredibly talented and terribly coached. If Mike Shula doesn’t let Cam Newton loose (he had 23 passes for 125 yards last week) against a Bills team that is probably without Jairus Byrd and Stephon Gilmore, they just won’t get anywhere this year.

Who’s good at predicting things and has two thumbs? Call me Nostrabenmus.

COLTS (-3) over Dolphins
I guess people are impressed with beating the Browns these days. Thanks for the nice line.

Broncos (-4.5) over GIANTS
I’m just going to repost my Giants writeup from last week: Admittedly, I’ve never been a fan of the Giants, but isn’t it at least a tiny bit concerning that David Wilson is their only feature back. Dude fumbled on his second NFL carry and was promptly benched for most of the season.

Cowboys (+3) over CHIEFS
I guess people are impressed with beating the Jaguars these days. Thanks for the nice line.

Lions (-1.5) over CARDINALS
As much as Carson Palmer is an upgrade over Kevin Kolb, John Skelton, and Ryan Lindley, he’s still Carson Palmer.

Cook Out Drive-Thru Lock o’ the Week:

Saints (-3.5) over BUCCANEERS
Not only did the Bucs lose to the Jets, they let Geno Smith score with 34 seconds left in the game thanks to a late hit out of bounds. Oh, and they gave up a safety and lost by one. Drew Brees is a little better than Jets QBs.

Overall record: 5-10-1

Last week: 5-10-1

Apple Total: -55

Apple Total Last Week: -55