Monthly Archives: October 2014

Week 9 NFL Picks – Johnny Halloween

No intro this week.

As always, home teams are no CAPS, and here are explanations for each of the officially unofficial sponsored sections of picks I have.

Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked Games are worth 5 apples.

Dunkin’ Donuts Plain Cake Games are worth 10 apples.

KFC Double Down Games are worth 20 apples.

Hickory Smoked Pulled Pork Lock o’ the Week is worth 50 apples.

Happy Halloween, Cleveland!

Happy Halloween, Cleveland!

Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked Games:

BROWNS (-6.5) over Buccaneers
Even if Brian Hoyer continues to play horribly, there’s no way Johnny Football will be in any condition to play after Halloweekend.

Cardinals (+3.5) over COWBOYS
Did you know that the Cardinals have a two game lead over the rest of the NFC West? Yes, they haven’t played Seattle yet, but they took care of San Francisco, Philadelphia, and San Diego. Give them a little more credit than worse-than-a-field-goal underdogs.

Rams (+10) over NINERS
What ever happened to Vernon Davis? He’s been banged up a bit, but he only has 34 catches on the year (34th among tight ends) for 142 yards (33rd). Really I’m just grumpy because my main fantasy team is 6th out of 12 in scoring yet somehow 0-8.

PATRIOTS (+3) over Broncos
I’ll probably miss this one, but I’ll be damned if I pick against Tom Brady at home against Peyton Manning and give up points.

Dunkin’ Donuts Plain Cake Games:

PANTHERS (+3) over Saints
The Saints are second-to-last in the NFL in pass defense, so expect Cam Newton to put on a bigger show tonight than either LeBron or Jameis.

BENGALS (-11) over Jaguars
Here is a running list of things better than the Jaguars:
1. The New Orleans Pelicans’ acting
2. Lamarr Houston’s dancing
3. That weird rendition of God Bless America last night
4. Wrecking Ball in G-Major
5. Danny Green’s social media acumen
6. Dirk Nowitzki’s drunk uncle impression
7. Dirk Nowitzki’s taser victim impression
8. Dirk Nowitzki’s impression of a student asking a question
9. Dirk Nowitzki’s dizzy zombie impression
10. Dirk Nowtizki’s impression of a dying and dead swan (you know what, just go watch the whole video)

Chargers (+2.5) over DOLPHINS
The Dolphins only beat the Jaguars by 14 last week, so I’ll count that one as a moral loss.

Ravens (-1.5) over STEELERS
Last week, Ben Roethlisberger was 40-49 for 522 yards with 6 touchdowns and no interceptions or sacks and got a 99.0 QBR. What on Earth do you need to do to get a 100? Or even a 99.5?

KFC Double Down Games:

Eagles (-2) over TEXANS
I’m afraid the Texans may have gone the way of the Cardinals when J.J. Watt said Zach Mettenberger disrespected the game by taking selfies. Guess I can’t pick them or root for them anymore.

Injuns (+1) over VIKINGS
Nine weeks into the season, it’s time to welcome back the Ain’t Nobody Got Time For That Game of the Week!

CHIEFS (-9.5) over Jets
Serious question: how much longer of a leash does Rex Ryan get? He hasn’t been good for 5 seasons and has the team looking like a laughing stock while still running his mouth.

Raiders (+15) over SEAHAWKS
Don’t call me crazy yet… the Raiders will probably be down 21 before scoring a garbage time touchdown with a minute left against the Seahawks third string secondary. Or, alternatively, Seattle hasn’t won a game by more than 10 points since Week 1.

Hickory Smoked Pulled Pork Lock o’ the Week:

Colts (-3) over GIANTS
If you’re wondering why I’m already in debt triple digit fruit, it’s because I keep missing these locks o’ the week. Like the Colts (-3.5) over the Steelers last week. So here is Andrew Luck’s one shot at redemption in my heart.

Overall Record: 58-58-4

Last Week: 7-8

Apple Total: -105

Apple Total Last Week: -75

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Categories: NFL | 1 Comment

Week 8 NFL Picks – Go Fund Yourself

I took a week off from writing my weekly picks since I was in Gatlinburg, and my picks didn’t go especially well. Irregardless, I’m back guns blazin’ with my Week 8 picks.

As always, home teams are no CAPS, and here are explanations for each of the officially unofficial sponsored sections of picks I have.

Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked Games are worth 5 apples.

Dunkin’ Donuts Plain Cake Games are worth 10 apples.

KFC Double Down Games are worth 20 apples.

Hickory Smoked Pulled Pork Lock o’ the Week is worth 50 apples.

Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked Games:

Chargers (+9) over BRONCOS
Whoops.

COWBOYS (-10) over Injuns
South Park has been absolutely on point this season (and has been especially good about tying all the episodes together), but none have been better than the season premier, Go Fund Yourself, about the Washington football team’s name.

Zach Mettenberger: starting NFL quarterback or trailer trash? Or both?

Zach Mettenberger: starting NFL quarterback or trailer trash? Or both?

CHIEFS (-7) over Rams
Zac Stacy was only given one snap and zero touches last week, so effectively now, I’m boycotting the Rams.

Texans (-3.5) over TITANS
I’m currently writing these picks from a FOX Sports truck in LP Field, and it’s bizarrely foggy in Nashville. There’s no way I’m betting on Zach Mettenburger if there are anything less than perfect conditions.

BENGALS (+2) over Ravens
Please don’t dress up as something stupid for Halloween.

Dunkin’ Donuts Plain Cake Games:

Lions (-3.5) over Falcons (in London)
Fun fact: the Falcons don’t know where London is. If they don’t show up, would that be a forfeit? In that case shouldn’t I switch my pick to Falcons (+3.5) since there will be no scoring in this non-existent game?

PATRIOTS (-6) over Bears
Never count out Touchdown Tom, unless you’re doing a QB sneak from your own 1-yard line.

Bills (+3) over JETS
Yeah I’m not going to give points and take Geno Smith and the Jets.

Vikings (+2.5) over BUCCANEERS
Yeah I’m not going to give points and take Josh McCown and the Bucs.

Raiders (+6.5) over BROWNS
Yeah I’m not going to give points and take Brian Hoyer and the Browns.

KFC Double Down Games:

Eagles (+1.5) over CARDINALS
The Eagles are coming off a bye week, and the Cardinals already had theirs in Week 4. Who needs a bye after three games??

Dolphins (-6) over JAGUARS
Here is a running list of things better than the Jaguars:
1. Leonard Fournette’s helmet
2. Kentucky’s tackling
3. This guy’s driving skills
4. High school football teams’ welcomeness to freshmen
5. Alexis Normand’s singing
6. Joakim Noah’s free throw stroke
7. Joakim Noah’s manners
8. Joakim Noah’s dancing skills
9. Joakim Noah’s hair
10. Joakim Noah’s ability to not look like a completely stereotypical pothead

Packers (+2) over SAINTS
Which city would you rather spend a weekend in: Green Bay or New Orleans?

Seahawks (-5) over PANTHERS
The Panthers might be really bad, who knows? But I keep picking the Panthers this year, and I figure maybe their fortunes will turn around if I pick against them.

Hickory Smoked Pulled Pork Lock o’ the Week:

Colts (-3.5) over STEELERS
I really don’t have anything to add for this game, so this is your Who Cares Game of the Week. Indianapolis and Pittsburgh just seem like the most boring cities.

Overall Record: 51-50-4

Last Week: 6-8-1 (5-10)

Apple Total: -30

Apple Total Last Week: -5 (-90)

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Week 6 NFL Picks – The Return(t) of Tina

I know plenty of you were wondering why I didn’t post any picks last week, and there’s a good reason. After my Week 4 picks went the way of the Titanic and I lost 95 apples on a 4-8-1 record, I knew there was only one person to turn to: huge Giants fan and noted ridiculous person Cristina Dafonte.

Unfortunately due to things like “homework” and “meetings” and “leave me alone I have to make a philanthropy banner by myself” @turntuptina was not able to make picks last week, so I cancelled the weekly column. Sure, I did do well picking Week 5, finding my way back into the black on the season, but her posts usually get more clicks than mine do anyway.

In case you don’t remember, Tina went 17-11-3 last year in two weeks of picks and made me 85 apples (including nailing the Giants games twice for the Lock o’ the Week). Her picks were also two of my top five most viewed NFL picks of last year, and the only reason she doesn’t have the most viewed post is because my Week 12 picks entitled Big Daddy Indonesia gets several new clicks per month from Indonesia.

Without further ado, here are Tina’s Week 6 picks with home teams are in CAPS. All of the commentary on the games below are direct quotes and words in parenthesis are my responses. Lastly, here’s an explanation for each of the categories of games:

Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked Games are worth 5 apples.

Dunkin’ Donuts Plain Cake Games are worth 10 apples.

KFC Double Down Games are worth 20 apples.

Hickory Smoked Pulled Pork Lock o’ the Week is worth 50 apples.

Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked Game:

Steelers (-2) over BROWNS
I know the Steelers are better than the Browns. Right? I find it hard to care.

TITANS (-5.5) over Jaguars
Here is a running list of things better than the Jaguars:
1. Stephen Tulloch’s dancing skills
2. Cole Adrich’s teeth
3. Adam Levine’s ability to find a nice girl
4. Madison Bumgarner’s ability to pour beer into his mouth
5. Yasiel Puig’s ability to open beer with his hands
6. Corbin’s ability to control his excitement
7. Corbin’s ability to fit in a car
8. Corbin’s ability to pick a good team to root for
9. Corbin’s drinking problem
10. Corbin’s willingness to let his owner* play with his balls (*not actually Tina’s dog)
Ravens (-3) over BUCCANEERS
The Ravens are the favorite, and they’re not going to win by only 2.
RAMS (+3.5) over Niners
Zac Stacy is on the Rams. I’m going to pick the Rams.
Dunkin’ Donuts Plain Cake Game:
TEXANS (+3) over Colts
I’m doing this to make Beth happy.
CARDINALS (-3.5) over Injuns
Without RG3, the [redacted] are horrendous. I hate the [redacted].
VIKINGS (+1.5) over Lions
I’m going with a safe underdog pick
Packers (-3.5) over DOLPHINS
Because Jay Cutler. Isn’t he the quarterback of Green Bay. (No.) Who’s the quarterback of Green Bay? (Aaron Rodgers.) Oh his brother went here. The Vanderbilt connection is confusing.
Panthers (+7) over BENGALS
We’ll go with Carolina. Make Ben a happy camper. Also fuck Groll.
KFC Double Down Game:
FALCONS (-3) over Bears
I’m a new-founded Atlanta fan thanks to Beth and Morgan. Also, Morgan’s favorite player is Julio Jones (pronounced Jew-lio) not Julio Jones.
Broncos (-8.5) over JETS
If there’s one thing I learned about picking games last year, it’s don’t pick the Jets.
Patriots (-3) over BILLS
My cousin goes to all the Bills games, and her pictures are so fucking annoying.
Chargers (-7) over RAIDERS
Kayla, I love you, but the Raiders are going to lose.
SEAHAWKS (-8) over Cowboys
I’m going with the Seahawks because it’s against my religion to pick the Cowboys, but I want it to be known that I am in no way a fair-weather Seahawks fan.
We believe in Eli Manning.

We believe in Eli Manning.

Hickory Smoked Pulled Pork Lock o’ the Week:

Giants (+2.5) over EAGLES
Does there need to be an explanation? My apologies to JMatt. I’m sorry that you got picked by such a shitty team.
Overall record: 40-32-3Last week: 8-5-1 (4-8-1)

Apple Total: 65

Apple Total Last Week: 90 (-95)

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