2023 MLB.com articles

After stops at Yahoo and Athlon Sports, I’m excited to be at MLB.com. A lot of my coverage is on the MLB Pipeline side covering top prospects, although I am also covering the occasional game in Cincinnati, Atlanta, and St. Louis.

5/24: Mariners greats Reynolds, Ibañez to manage Futures Game

5/12: ‘It feels like he strikes out everyone’: LSU’s Skenes whiffs 13 in latest gem

5/11: Senga unable to halt Mets’ first-inning woes

5/10: With win over Reds, JV has beaten every MLB team

5/9: Frustration mounting as Buck earns 1st Mets ejection

5/9: Scherzer scratched with neck spasms; Peterson gets call

5/7: White Sox erupt for biggest inning since 2007

5/6: Eloy out 4-6 weeks after appendectomy

5/5: ‘He’s not panicking’: Robert secures Sox win with go-ahead HR

5/2: Marlins’ Eury Pérez could be angling for a promotion after this start

4/29: A popup? Not when Elly De La Cruz makes contact

4/26: Cubs’ top prospect ends 16-pitch AB in grand fashion

4/26: New hidden ball trick? Catcher can’t find it anywhere

3/4: HBCUs highlighted at Classic honoring Braves legends

Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: , , | Leave a comment

Top 20 Jason Derulo Songs

Source: Instagram

Ever since Michael Jackson died in 2009, the music world has been looking for the new King of Pop. Usher and Justin Timberlake had already peaked. Chris Brown’s character is disqualifying. Could it be Bruno Mars or Justin Bieber? (Of course, the correct answer is Ariana Grande.)

More than a decade later, I’m not here to say that he deserves the crown. But Jason Derulo — who was inspired as a child by MJ — should at least be recognized as the Duke of Pop. All he does is make hits.

Ever since his first single, “Whatcha Say,” hit No. 1 on the Billboard Hot 100 in 2009, Derulo (a stage name for the correct pronunciation of his given name, Desrouleaux) has been been a fixture atop the rankings. With a silky smooth voice, incredible vocal range, and generally wholesome content, he was almost perfectly crafted to be a modern-day pop star.

Don’t look for super deep lyrics; just stay for the catchy beats. Find me a person who likes Jason Derulo songs, and I’ll show you someone who likes to have a good time.

And as is crucial for any star who dabbles in R&B, Derulo is in exceptional shape and is an absolutely incredible dancer, which is why we’ll be diving deep into his music videos in this countdown. That he broke a vertebra while practicing for a 2012 tour and still has these moves makes his well-rounded skillset all the more impressive.

Derulo’s platinum singles speak for themselves, but he’s also made a name for himself in recent years on social media, channeling his line from “Wiggle.” From getting memed on Vine by a kid reading a calendar to his well-endowed photo that got taken down from Instagram, his online celebrity has taken on a life of its own. He’s in no uncertain terms TikTok royalty — with the 12th-most followers of any account — which helped catapult the popularity of his certified bop “Savage Love.”

I’ve long been a massive JD fanI’m still waiting for the chance to see Derulo in concert — so it’s only fitting that we run down a list of his 20 best songs. Please, sit back and enjoy these rankings. Or just skip to the part where I let you know whether or not he starts a song by singing his name.

Top 20 Kanye West SongsTop 20 Usher SongsTop 25 Songs (feat. T-Pain)Top 10 DJ Khaled Songs


20. Kiss The Sky

Jason Derulo

Platinum Hits (2016)

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: N/A

Narrowly edging out “Tip Toe” for the last spot on the list is a song unlike any other on the list due to its sheer funkiness. The driving bassline and heavy vocal percussion feel straight out of the 70s, and Derulo shows off his falsetto that goes as high as the title. Jason’s ability to hit just about any note is one of the most impressive things about him, although this song can border on Adam-Levine-ear-piercing territory at times. “Kiss The Sky” will grow on you, or at least you might find the hook stuck in your head hours later. It’s a solid, cheesy song that, like any good Jason Derulo jam, just makes you want to get up and dance.

Best Line:

“My new girl headline the news
But my ex still coming through
And I’m thinking why not?
Baby, why not? Yeah
Ain’t nothing gon’ stop the funk
I’m gon’ make you pop your trunk
I’m thinking why not
Baby, why not? Oh (Why not)”

Top 3 Music Video Moments:

1. Let’s be honest, the fat man brushing his teeth in a bath towel steals the show.

2. The old man creeped me out a bit by grinding with a girl but redeemed himself with this dance.

3. Jason makes this leaping side flip off the hotel lobby desk look so casual.

Does he say “Jason Derulo” at the start of the song:



19. Get Ugly

Jason Derulo

Everything is 4 (2015)

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 52

When I said in the intro that Jason Derulo’s songs are generally wholesome, I really meant that they border on PG-13. Yes, they almost all have to do with women or sex, but he uses next-to-no explicit language. “Get Ugly” is a rare exception, and he uses that “motherfucker” to great effect, as the forceful “alley” to the dynamic “oop” of his chorus. (We’ll see this again later with “Wiggle” and a few others.) There may not be too much else to the song beyond letting your freak out and dancing, but that’s what he does best in the music video.

Best Line:

“To them pretty faced girls tryna impress each other
And them undercover freaks who ain’t nothin’ but trouble
Baby, Imma tell you some’ only cause I love ya
People all around the world sexy motherfuckers
Get ugly”

Top 3 Music Video Moments:

1. His entire last dance sequence is impressive, starting with a quintuple pirouette.

2. The comic book effect is a nice touch throughout, especially when the words escape out of the music video.

3. People dancing in drying machines! How did they get in there?!

Does he say “Jason Derulo” at the start of the song:



18. Breathing

Jason Derulo

Future History (2011)

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: N/A

By the time this song dropped, most of Derulo’s major hits had been love ballads or songs about breakups. “Breathing” fits right in with all the other singles off his first two albums, but it was also his first major foray into house music. Heavy on synths, drums, and autotune, this club hit feels extremely early-2010s. What makes “Breathing” great is the passion you can feel throughout the song — but especially during the bridge before the final chorus. He’s almost screaming at points, which is all well and good since the song is easy to scream along to.

Best Line:

“I only miss you when I’m breathing
I only need you when my heart is beating
You are the color that I’m bleeding
I only miss you when I’m breathing”

Top 3 Music Video Moments:

1. What’s going on with his glowing, translucent skin and psychotic episode?

2. Tip of the hat to the dance sequence in a straight jacket.

3. Jason’s heart just isn’t in it when he’s maintaining eye contact while putting in minimal effort to lip-sync.

Does he say “Jason Derulo” at the start of the song:



17. If It Ain’t Love

Jason Derulo

Single (2016)

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 67

This song continues to grow on me and might be higher on the list if it were older and had more of a nostalgia factor. But it’s an absolute jam. If I had one quibble with the song, it’s that the pre-chorus completely outshines the chorus itself. I’ve gotten those six bars stuck in my head for weeks on end. The whole song is catchy and suggestive, from the opening verse to the pre-choruses counting his number of rounds. The music video, which he directed, is perhaps his most sensual and technically impressive, although someone may need to contact HR after what he and his co-worker did in their workplace.

Best Line:

“Short days, long nights, tangled up with you
I don’t wanna move
Your eyes don’t lie
And if I needed proof, that body tell the truth”

Top 3 Music Video Moments:

1. While they dance on the staircase, papers are raining down on them, which we can only assume come from when they were making out on the copier moments earlier.

2. Pretty much everything is great after gravity goes away and they start walking on the ceiling, Spider-Man kiss and all.

3. Love his repeated product placements for Beluga Vodka — which is not related to his original record label, Beluga Heights.

Does he say “Jason Derulo” at the start of the song:



16. Fight for You

Jason Derulo

Future History (2011)

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 83

True story, I listened to this before I heard “Africa” by Toto, so I originally thought they were ripping off his song. This song heavily samples the original, but I’m alright with that. Given the optics of a bunch of white guys singing about Africa, I’m going to give this one to JD. Jason’s line at the end of the chorus, “Just like the rain down in Africa / It’s gonna take some time, but I know you’re worth fighting for” doesn’t make much sense, but let’s be honest here. Toto’s line, “I bless the rains down in Africa / Gonna take some time to do the things we never had” was even more nonsensical. Plus I’ll take Jason Derulo’s vocals over Joseph Williams’ any day. This song is a keeper with a great melody and a passionate performance.

Best Line:

“It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
There’s nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do
Just like the rain down in Africa
It’s gonna take some time, but I know you’re worth fighting for”

Top 3 Music Video Moments:

1. What kind of person just takes a shot and breaks the glass on the floor?

2. It turns out that Jason and his girl were wearing swimsuits the whole time during their steamy shower scenes.

3. This is probably the happiest I’ve ever seen people passing by subway performers.

Does he say “Jason Derulo” at the start of the song:



15. Take You Dancing

Jason Derulo

Single (2020)

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: N/A

Jason Derulo more or less didn’t come out with any hits in 2018 and ’19 — apologies to collaboration with David Guetta, “Goodbye” —  but he came out with a pair of bangers in 2020. A month after dropping “Savage Love” on TikTok, he released this song, which hasn’t charted well in America but reached No. 7 in the UK. The hook is infectious, and the bassline makes it easy to get up and dance like the lyrics ask. The music video fits right in with his TikTok theme, too, as it’s filled with green screens gags and dancing. The lyrics are pretty repetitive, which is par for the course, but the start of the highlighted line below notably does remind me of Kevin McCall’s line from “Strip” with Chris Brown: “The only reason I dress you in that designer / Is to get you out that Dolce and Gabbana.”

Best Line:

“That Louis, that Prada
Looks so much better off ya
Turn me up, up, up, be my waitress
Know we not in love, so let’s make it”

Top 3 Music Video Moments:

1. Jason just starts splashing all over the girl when he’s dancing without a care in the world.

2. The two of them start doing part of the “Savage Love” dance!

3. I need to know where he got that SpongeBob jacket.

Does he say “Jason Derulo” at the start of the song:



14. Don’t Wanna Go Home

Jason Derulo

Future History (2011)

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 14

The beat is taken from Robin S.’s “Show Me Love.” The lyrics borrow heavily from Harry Belafonte’s “Day-O (The Banana Boat Song)” and Lil Jon & The Eastside Boyz’s “Get Low.” But it still works! People don’t come to Jason Derulo’s music for originality; they come because he can turn almost anything into a hit and has incredible vocal range while doing so. This is a quintessential party song from the early 2010s with high energy and fun, memorable lyrics. “Don’t Wanna Go Home” was a fitting lead single to his strong sophomore album, “Future History,” and perhaps the moment he finally got that Ariana Grande energy to say, “I’m a star.”

Best Line:

“We drink the whole bottle, but it ain’t over, over
Everybody jumping on the sofa, sofa
Standing on the chairs, standing on the bar
No matter day or night, I’m shining, bitch, I’m a star”

Top 3 Music Video Moments:

1. This Reverse Valdez is incredibly impressive, although I have to wonder if it hurt to land on the concrete like that.

2. Is this music video shot in the same abandoned warehouse then they filmed the “Breathing” music video in?

3. Kind of semantics, but the whole song is about how he doesn’t want to leave the club, and the music video starts with everyone passed out, including someone who fell asleep under corrugated sheet metal in a tub.

Does he say “Jason Derulo” at the start of the song:



13. Wiggle

Jason Derulo (feat. Snoop Dogg)

Tattoos (2014)

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 5

There’s no beating around the bush with this song: JD just loves singing about this girl’s butt. Snoop isn’t any more inconspicuous about what he wants to do either (Completely separated ’til I deeply penetrate it). Subtlety may be a lost art, and the recorder sound during the hook — what is this, elementary school? — is an odd choice, but this song still slaps. With time, you can get over the pestering recorder and appreciate this classic. Few songs are as catchy and easy to dance to — it was designed to do both — and the bridge after Snoop’s line (listed below) is one of my favorite parts of any of his songs.

Best Line:

“Come on, baby, turn around
You’re a star, girl, take a bow
It’s just one thing that’s killing me
How do you fit that in them jeans?”

Top 3 Music Video Moments:

1. Not sure anything could be more notable than when this guy does an ice luge down the back and crack of an ice sculpture of a busty woman.

2. The wiggling bed is a nice gag, and I’d love to know how the old woman got into the party.

3. Love the Ne-Yo cameo, although I really wish he made it into the actual song.

Does he say “Jason Derulo” at the start of the song:

No, but Snoop starts the song by saying “Ayo, Jason!”


12. Swalla

Jason Derulo (feat. Nicki Minaj and Ty Dolla $ign)

Single (2017)

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 29

This is a classic mid-career smash from JD. He borrows heavily in his hook from an older song —  this time from Ol’ Dirty Bastard’s “Shimmy Shimmy Ya” —  and just crushes his falsetto over a catchy beat. And Nicki Minaj might have the best featured part out of any rapper to appear on this list. She really ties together the song with a Remy Ma diss and reference to Draymond Green’s title-costing tech. It’s worth noting that he’s only averaging 9.3 points per game since Nicki’s “My shit slappin’ like dude did LeBron’s nuts” line. Jason doesn’t have a ton of lines in this song — nor do any of them really rhyme — but the star power and rhythm are enough to make this a borderline top-10 song.

Best Line:

“All you girls in here, if you’re feeling thirsty
Come on take a sip ’cause you know what I’m servin'”

Top 3 Music Video Moments:

1. Nicki Minaj looks like LeVar Burton’s Geordi La Forge a Willy Wanka psychedelic dream.

2. Do you think they sell these Jason Derulo-branded orange soda, twinkies, lollipops, and whatever Derulo Daddies are anywhere?

3. I don’t know what to call this except a human twerkipede.

Does he say “Jason Derulo” at the start of the song:

No, but he does end the song by saying “Derulo.” Nicki starts the song by shouting out Young Money instead.


11. Cheyenne

Jason Derulo

Everything is 4 (2015)

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 66

“Cheyenne” is unlike most songs on this list because it’s less of a party song and more of a ballad. And Jason can absolutely croon. With heavy guitars driving the electronic beat reminiscent of Taylor Swift’s “Style,” it’s a pleasant change of pace sandwiched between “Want to Want Me” and “Get Ugly” on his fourth album. It’s also a rare JD song where he just sings about falling in love instead of, well, just check out the titles of the previous two songs on the list. The music video is also a fun change of pace with a horror theme seemingly out of the “The Conjuring” extended universe. And just like this song hits his usual checkpoints with a Frankie Vallian falsetto and spending half the song by repeating the hook, the music video has a lot of familiar moments with him being restrained in a chair and standing on the walls of a room.

Best Line:

“I’m a little unsure how it got so complicated
If I let go I know, I’ll regret it
Every heart that I held before, I was sure to break it
I don’t know what you did, but
I just can’t stop thinking ’bout you every day
No, I can’t stop now”

Top 3 Music Video Moments:

1. Can we talk about his purple suit, untucked shirt, purple Panama hat combination?

2. The extended interlude of dancing corpses is really a sight to behold.

3. The “Inception”-style falling through the floor into a bed of hands moment is neat.

Does he say “Jason Derulo” at the start of the song:



10. Savage Love

Jason Derulo & Jawsh 685

Single (2020)

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 10

To be totally transparent, it took me a while to come around on this song because the music felt a little, shall well say, elementary at first. Like I was playing on my childhood keyboard. But that kind of checks out when you learn that it was sampled from a New Zealand high schooler’s 2019 instrumental song that went viral on TikTok earlier this year. Derulo posted a video dancing to the song in April and released his remixed version 25 days later. Now the song has become unavoidable, and I can’t argue with the fact that it just slaps. This song felt like it demarked a return to the spotlight for Derulo — not that he ever left. More like it became cool to like him again, like after Justin Bieber dropped “What Do You Mean” and his “Purpose” album.

Best Line:

“Baby, I hope this ain’t karma ’cause I get around
You wanna run it up, I wanna lock it down
Usually don’t be fallin’, be fallin’, fallin’ fast
You got a way of makin’ me spend up all my cash”

Top 3 Music Video Moments:

1. Knowing that this video was likely shot during COVID times, these scenes with packed rooms make me incredibly uncomfortable.

2. Jason looks absolutely ripped. He must’ve spent all his time in quarantine when he wasn’t on TikTok bulking up.

3. Shout out the Samoan Flag! One of the rare Oceanic flags that doesn’t include a Union Jack.

Does he say “Jason Derulo” at the start of the song:



9. Talk Dirty

Jason Derulo (feat. 2 Chainz)

Tattoos (2013)

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 3

“Talk Dirty” marked Jason Derulo’s first song with a featured artist, and 2 Chainz absolutely brings the heat. With heavy bass, emphatic horns, and the notorious boastful hook, it’s as memorable as any in JD’s discography. This song feels like a more pop-friendly version of Afroman’s “Crazy Rap,” which I mean as the utmost compliment. This was his first top-10 hit since his debut album (he was rudely snubbed in “Future History”) as he fully transformed from R&B singer to braggadocious sex symbol. If you want a sign of how iconic and widespread this bop became, look no further than SNL’s take in “Dongs All Over The World” (feat. Anna Kendrick).

Best Line:

“You know the words to my songs, no habla inglés
Our conversations ain’t long, but you know what is”

Top 3 Music Video Moments:

1. The recurring dancing silhouettes effect is nice, especially this moment towards the beginning.

2. Did they shoot this scene in Christopher Nolan’s rotating hallway?

3. Love to shill for Neuro Water with some mild cultural appropriation.

Does he say “Jason Derulo” at the start of the song:

Technically no, but a woman says “Jason (giggles) Jason Derulo” instead.


8. It Girl

Jason Derulo

Future History (2011)

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 17

Put aside for a moment that Jason rhymes “it girl” with “shit girl” and “hit girl” — this is just a great, genuine love song. The music is simple with an acoustic guitar and drum set, and JD doesn’t really beat around the bush. He loves this woman more than his job and wants a life sentence with her. The original is much better than the electronic-heavy remix with his then-girlfriend Jordin Sparks, which is also way more suggestive. Jason doesn’t make too many of these love songs anymore, but this is certainly one of his best.

Best Line:

“You can be my it girl, baby, you the shit, girl
Loving you could be a crime
Crazy how we fit, girl, this is it, girl
Give me 25 to life”

Top 3 Music Video Moments:

1. There are so many questionable fashion choices from the pinstripe and floral blazers with plain pants to the leather jacket with plaid pants.

2. You can really tell how dated this video is by the Paper Jamz karaoke machine that’s clipped to Jason’s hip.

3. Fun fact: the star of this video, Tika Suptmer, later parlayed her fame into a starring role in the “Sonic the Hedgehog” movie.

Does he say “Jason Derulo” at the start of the song:



7. Marry Me

Jason Derulo

Tattoos (2013)

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 26

Move over, “Marry You” by Bruno Mars, this is officially the greatest, most wholesome pop wedding song. If “It Girl” was some of Jason Derulo’s best love song work, “Marry Me” is clearly his best. Not going to lie, sometimes it does get a little dusty in the room when I think about how this song is about Jordin Sparks — especially when watching the music video —  but that’s just because of how much emotion you can feel in this song. JD puts his whole vocal range to work in this serenade and you can particularly feel it in the bridge highlighted below. My only quibble with this song is if Jason Derulo doesn’t have his money right after four top-5 Billboard singles, when will he be ready? Is love real if Jason and Jordin can’t make it??

Best Line:

“And if I lost everything
In my heart it means nothing
‘Cause I have you, girl, I have you
To get right down on bended knee
Nothing else would ever be better, better
The day when I’ll say will you marry me?”

Top 3 Music Video Moments:

1. The scenes of Jason Derulo and Jordin Sparks going from young to old really hit hard now that they’ve broken up.

2. Love to watch them throw flour at each other like they’re LeBron pregame.

3. As it turns out, jeweler Michael C. Fina put the 8.83-carat diamond ring from the music video on sale.

Does he say “Jason Derulo” at the start of the song:



6. Want to Want Me

Jason Derulo

Everything is 4 (2015)

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 5

Now we’re getting into peak Jason Derulo. I think any of the rest of the songs on this list have excellent cases to reach No. 1, even if this song falls outside my top 5. I found myself in Trader Joe’s over the weekend —  we all know grocery stores have the best music — and literally could not resist singing along out loud and bopping my head. Jason really shows off the best side of him in this song with thoroughly wholesome lyrics (even if the music video is decisively not) and elite vocal range. I mean, just look at Luke Bryan trying to keep up with his falsetto in this duet. I’m always a sucker for artists who back themselves up singing the chorus, so that just makes the end of this catchy song even better.

Best Line:

“You open the door
Wearing nothing but a smile down to the floor
And you whisper in my ear, ‘Baby, I’m yours’
Ooh, just the thought of you gets me so high, so high”

Top 3 Music Video Moments:

1. JD’s dance moves on the stage are pretty outstanding, and you can have him perform at your event if you have $150,000 to $300,000 burning a hole in your pocket.

2. I get that it’s the heat of the moment, but he just broke a lamp and ripped his shirt for no good reason.

3. The entire video has a pretty consistent storyline until his woman is inexplicably in an ice bath while he hangs from the ceiling.

Does he say “Jason Derulo” at the start of the song:

Technically no, but he does say “Derulo!”


5. In My Head

Jason Derulo

Jason Derulo (2009)

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 5

You don’t hear a lot of rock guitar in Jason’s newer music, but his early work really ran the gamut. Originally titled “In My Bed,” this song is the natural follow-up to his debut single, “Whatcha Say.” You can just see him playing out the music video in real life by blasting his music, knowing he’s a big deal, and telling anyone who will listen at the club that he can see her with him. Although some of the rhymes are pretty funny (as you can see below), that doesn’t take away from how much this classic bangs. Other songs lower on this list may be more popular now, but it’s important to respect Jason’s roots, which is why this ranks so high to me.

Best Line:

“Everybody’s looking for love, oh
Ain’t that the reason you’re at this club? oh
You ain’t gon’ find it dancing with him, no
I’ve got a better solution for you, girl, oh”

Top 3 Music Video Moments:

1. Jason Derulo is a star… he doesn’t need to be stalking people out of a convenience store.

2. It’s pretty comical how many people are walking in and out of the store while he’s dancing in the parking lot.

3. What a plot twist at the end!

Does he say “Jason Derulo” at the start of the song:



4. Whatcha Say

Jason Derulo

Jason Derulo (2009)

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 1

This is where it all started. Jason’s first-ever single reached No. 1 on the Billboard Hot 100 in November 2009 and catapulted his career. And to think that his fellow label-mate Sean Kingston was initially supposed to sing the song. A real sliding doors moment. “Whatcha Say” may be nothing like the song it takes its hook from, “Hide and Seek” by Imogen Heap, but this version became an instant hit for good reason. With powerful synths, building percussion, and stellar vocals, it’s a classic addition to the mid-to-late-2000s pop-R&B scene. “Whatcha Say” isn’t exactly a party song, which prevents it from landing higher on this list, but it belongs high on any JD list for being his original hit.

Best Line:

“‘Cause when the roof caved in and the truth came out
I just didn’t know what to do
But when I become a star, we’ll be living so large
I’ll do anything for you”

Top 3 Music Video Moments:

1. She did not seem impressed by his “I know what I did wasn’t clever, but you and me were meant to be together” line.

2. Fashion really is circular considering Derulo’s belt chain — which was questionably cool at the time — somehow made a comeback last year.

3. Jason’s facial hair has really evolved over the years too, and his thin chinstrap is quite something.

Does he say “Jason Derulo” at the start of the song:

Yes, midway through the “Hide and Seek” sample.


3. Trumpets

Jason Derulo

Tattoos (2013)

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 14

Derulo already had four top-10 hits by the time this song came out, and although “Trumpets” didn’t reach that level, this remains one of his biggest hits ever. JD shows his full range in this song from gentle serenading to soulful singing and intense falsetto, all while the trumpets blare in the background. If this song is playing, you’re probably having a great time. I also just love the idea of the song. Memory and music are so closely interwoven; important songs, like smells, can instantly take you back to a moment in time or special person. Or, the other way around, a girl’s eyes, ass, and bra can remind you of “Green Eyes,” “Birthday Song,” and “California Gurls.”

Best Line:

“Every time that you get undressed
I hear symphonies in my head
I wrote this song just looking at you oh, oh
Yeah, the drums they swing low
And the trumpets they go…”

Top 3 Music Video Moments:

1. Love that Jason is just watching his “Talk Dirty” music video at the start. I like to imagine him relaxing at home, just listening to his music.

2. I also love the idea that any time he gets turned on, a marching band pops out of nowhere. That’s gotta be so inconvenient.

3. These sparkly pants are outrageously cool.

Does he say “Jason Derulo” at the start of the song:



2. The Other Side

Jason Derulo

Tattoos (2013)

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 18

I’ve gone back and forth on this as Jason’s top song because I’m not sure if it’ll ever get old to me. The EDM soundtrack is some of the best music in any of his songs, and he really gets to show off his voice in the hook. The last minute-plus of the song is some of his best work too, with the chorus of background singers, the music coming to a stop, and him backing himself up singing. “The Other Side” just fills me with warmth because it’s all about young love and the start of a relationship. It’s really just a perfect Summer Jam. I know a lot of people won’t have it this high, but I hope they can also find a song they enjoy as much as I love this.

Best Line:

“Tonight we’ll just get drunk, disturb the peace
Let your love crash into me
And then you bite your lip, whisper and say
‘We’re going all the way'”

Top 3 Music Video Moments:

1. I got a concussion just watching this dance move.

2. Taking pulls of Crown and pouring it on each other’s chest? To each their own, I guess.

3. Never seen someone make a workout look this fun before.

Does he say “Jason Derulo” at the start of the song:

Technically no, although he does end the song with his name.

1. Ridin’ Solo

Jason Derulo

Jason Derulo (2010)

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 9

Fire up the synths, and let’s go back to 2010. “Ridin’ Solo” was an instant smash at release and remains one to this day. They say that breakups make the best music, and this should be Exhibit B after “thank u next.” This song made Jason a bona fide star with a third straight top-10 Billboard single to begin his career. The hook is iconic and easy to single along to. I know I sang the hell out of this hook as a kid who had been riding solo for the first 16 years of his life (and several more after, for that matter!). “Whatcha Say” put Derulo on the map, “In My Head” meant he wasn’t a one-hit wonder, but “Ridin’ Solo” let him “feel like a star.” When you have a hit song that marks your arrival on the big stage, that belongs at the top of any list.

Best Line:

“I’m puttin’ on my shades to cover up my eyes
I’m jumpin’ in my ride, I’m headin’ out tonight
I’m solo, I’m ridin’ solo
I’m ridin’ solo, I’m ridin’ solo, solo”

Top 3 Music Video Moments:

1. Jason dancing and singing to himself in the mirror in this spiky studded jacket is a mood.

2. Ready for a throwback? There’s a group of women at the club looking at Plenty of Fish on an iPad.

3. For some reason, there’s a CGI sequence where JD’s driving a Honda CR-Z.

Does he say “Jason Derulo” at the start of the song:


Categories: Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Top 10 DJ Khaled Songs

After a five-year hiatus, it’s time to get back to what this blog is best at: ranking my personal favorite songs from the mid-to-late-2000s!

My first three lists (the first two of which need some updating) looked at musical giants. Kanye West. Usher. T-Pain. So who better to naturally follow them up with than DJ Khaled?

Khaled Khaled obviously doesn’t have the musical talents of those other three, but I’ve always thought people gave him too much flak. He’s basically the Guy Fieri of hip-hop. Everyone likes to make fun of Fieri for his ridiculous look and donkey sauce, but he’s a genuinely nice guy who raised more than $20 million for restaurant workers affected by the coronavirus pandemic.

Guy Fieri is the quintessential chaotic good, and I’m not sure I’d go that far for DJ Khaled, as much as I love him. But he’s at least a chaotic neutral. And he’s nothing if not a character.

For the first 10 years of his career, Khaled was just a DJ whose form of branding was screaming his name at the top of every song. But by 2015, thanks to daily posts on Snapchat from getting lost on a jetski to giving advice in the shower he became a living, breathing meme. His “major key” catchphrase caught on so much he wrote a book about it and became a New York Times bestseller.

Of course, his whole shtick is ridiculous and fake. All of his songs are about coming up from nothing, but as his high school classmate Joey Fatone said in a Hot Ones interview, “You know what’s funny about Khaled? People are like ‘He’s from the hood.’ His family owned a store called ‘Merry-Go-Round’ in the Florida mall. It’s not that he was rich, but he had money.”

Khaled did his own run on Hot Ones talking big about showing the haters and never losing and it was by far the worst performance the show has ever seen. He thought the first wing with Texas Pete was too hot and eventually dropped out after three wings a show record but not before uttering the iconic line: “I promise you if I stop, it doesn’t mean I gave up.”

With his newfound celebrity, Khaled got courtside seats at the 2018 NBA All-Star Weekend and thoroughly embarrassed himself. Whether it’s a total lack of self-awareness about how people perceive him or a complete commitment to the bit, it all just feeds into how incredible his whole character is.

It took years, but Khaled has become ubiquitous in pop culture, something no one should have expected in the early aughts. He seems like the perfect celebrity for “The Masked Singer,” except for the fact that he’d be sent home on Week 1 when he’d yell his name or shout out his son. Maybe he’d be the perfect host to replace Nick Cannon.

Still, it’s worth remembering that DJ Khaled didn’t just get famous because of his persona. He also helped bring together deeply impressive groups of artists for iconic songs. Essentially every 2000s rapper this side of Eminem has appeared in one of his tracks, and he became synonymous with his style of featuring 20-plus artists on one album, for better and for worse.

There are plenty of examples of him overstuffing songs. Billboard Top-20 track I’m So Hood (Remix) is an honorable mention for this list, but it had about five too many featured artists and ran about two minutes too long. Still, each of the artists (Young Jeezy, Ludacris, Busta Rhymes, Big Boi, Lil Wayne, Fat Joe, Birdman, Rick Ross, and T-Pain) were integral to late-2000s hip-hop and added to the song.

It’s a shame that he doesn’t embrace that side of himself more. I got to see him live when he was the opener for Beyonce and Jay-Z’s On the Run II Tour, and only three of the songs he played in his 30-minute set were his own. His catalog is deep; he shouldn’t have to pretend to be a replacement-level DJ.

DJ Khaled may not produce deep, meaningful music, but his bubble gum rap clearly made a big mark on the music scene, especially when I first started listening to pop music. To commemorate him, I’m counting down my 10 favorite songs of him and celebrating his limited vocabulary. In all seriousness, I’d love to see anyone else’s top picks too.

(You may notice this is my first post in a while. Work and life have gotten in the way of me writing for myself, but I’m hoping to put out more of these lists in the coming months. Jason Derulo? Ariana Grande? Ne-Yo? Katy Perry? Flo Rida? Who knows what could come next?)

10. I Wish You Would

DJ Khaled (feat. Kanye West and Rick Ross) (2012)

Kiss the Ring

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 78

I feel like this song always needs to be played at max volume because it’s made to hype you up. It feels like it has a Shepherd Tone-style audio trick where it appears to get louder every single line, and the turbulent music video only feeds into that feeling. This song features near-peak Kanye right after MBDTF and Watch The Throne but before Yeezus and full MAGA mode and you can feel his passion talking about Chicago. On the other side of the coin, you have Rick Ross perhaps the only rapper faker than Khaled pretending he wasn’t a correctional officer and delivering his iconic “hunh” and trill sounds. What more could you want?

Best line (Kanye West):

“The block is at war, post-traumatic stress
Ran up outta pills, rob that CVS
N****s getting bust over In God We Trust
We believe in God, but do God believe in us?
If we believe enough, will we ever get to know him?
That lean got us dozing, we forget that we the chosen”

Honorable mention line (Rick Ross):

“My money on another level
In the streets out here I’m hotter than the fucking devil”

DJ Khaled Word Count: 12


9. I’m On

DJ Khaled (feat. Nas) (2008)

We Global

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: N/A

I’m On never charted well and never got a music video, but it’s still a personal favorite of mine. DJ Khaled’s third album, “We Global,” was a big step up from his first two albums, and that was signified in some ways by his ability to attract Nas to perform with/for him. The beat is contagious, and the hook is a pleasant surprise by little-known producer Dre. Khaled also plays the role of the hype man during the bridge, which helps him get up to an astonishing 49 words in this song.

Best line (Nas):

“Ya heard me, and this journey, I’m the journalist
Line around the block to hear the words of the herbalist
Send ya girl to the Dominicans to perm her shit
Tell her tonight, we gonna see Nas return to his murder shit”

Honorable mention line (Nas):

“Money fall out the sky when I speak
Got a valet, can’t leave mine out in these streets
Can’t carpool, the crew is too deep
Why tuck it all in? The jewels are too sweet”

DJ Khaled Word Count: 49

NASIR!! (x5)
COME ON!! (x9)

8. Hold You Down

DJ Khaled (feat. Chris Brown, August Alsina, Future, and Jeremih) (2014)

I Changed a Lot

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 39

DJ Khaled produced a remix of this song with Usher, who sung the hook way better than Chris Brown did, but let’s be real: This song ranks so high because of the incredible music video. Unfortunately, Khaled took it down off his original channel, but thankfully someone was able to splice it back together. You really need to check it out for yourself, but DJ Khaled keeps calling a woman (who clearly doesn’t want to talk to him) smart and loyal, a line he loves so much that he eventually repurposes into a motivational speech. He keeps throwing money at her (although not enough to buy her, her mom, and her whole family houses) and is desperate for her to say his name. The whole thing is a work of art. It happens to feature some R&B legends and another great beat, but mostly the music video is iconic.

Best line (August Alsina):

“Sit in my whip and see the stars
Show me just who you are
You know who really hold you down
And when you not around
I’ll hold you down”

Honorable mention line (Future):

“I’m the one that’s gon’ hold you down
Put you in that Ghost so you enjoy the town”

DJ Khaled Word Count: 20


7. I’m on One

DJ Khaled (feat. Drake, Rick Ross, and Lil Wayne) (2011)

We the Best Forever

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 10

This song was DJ Khaled’s breakout, his and Rick Ross’ first Billboard No. 1 single, albeit Drake’s sixth and Lil Wayne’s 12th. Never forget how great Lil Wayne is (although maybe you can forget his “The Masked Singer” performance). I’m on One was able to rise up the charts because of the incredible star power on the track and Drake’s easily memorizable hook. There’s a long history of lean in rap music, but my guess is this is one the first songs about it to earn a Grammy nom. You can also really tell this song is from 2011 because of the Four Loko product placement in the music video.

Best line (Rick Ross):

“Walking on the clouds, suspended in thin air
Do ones beneath me recognize the red bottoms I wear?”

Honorable mention line (Drake):

“Yeah and I’ll be right here in my spot
With a little more cash than I already got
Trippin’ off you ’cause you had your shot”

DJ Khaled Word Count: 2


6. I’m the One

DJ Khaled (feat. Justin Bieber, Quavo, Chance the Rapper, and Lil Wayne) (2017)


Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 1

I’m The One was a landmark song for Khaled because it’s his first and only Billboard No. 1 song. To my mind, it also marked the moment that he lept from “DJ with a massive Rolodex” to a true pop star. No one could avoid Khaled on the radio or in random commercials. Even the music video is chock full of product placement for Kandypens, Ciroc Summer Colada, and Bumbu Rum, although I enjoy the fact that Chance’s Gucci belt that he raps about is blurred out. It’s also just a catchy jam.

Best line (Chance the Rapper):

“Uh, she beat her face up with that new Chanel
She like the price, she see the ice, it make her coochie melt
When I met her in the club I asked her who she felt
Then she went and put that booty on that Gucci belt”

Honorable mention line (Quavo):

“I make your dreams come true when you wake up
And your look’s just the same without no makeup
Had to pull up on your mama, see what you’re made of
Ain’t gotta worry ’bout ’em commas ’cause my cake up”

DJ Khaled Word Count: 34

I’M THE ONE!! (x4)

5. Go Hard

DJ Khaled (feat. Kanye West and T-Pain) (2008)

We Global

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 69

I’ve made plenty of mistakes in my rankings over the years. Tastes change, and I’ve better appreciated older songs that came out before I followed these artists. But no mistake was bigger than leaving Go Hard off my Top 25 Songs (feat. T-Pain). This song absolutely slaps. We’ve got a ton of peak DJ Khaled screaming throughout the song. We’ve got peak top-hatted T-Pain on the music video with a memorable hook that includes the lines “Makin’ money ain’t shit to me / This is in my veins and it gets to my heart.” And, of course, we get near-peak Kanye with his iconic line about George Bush. A regrettable r-word aside, this song is near-perfect and demarcates the clear top five on this list. But in light of his half-hearted presidential run/publicity stunt, it’s worth remember that Kanye is/was a musical genius, but he is most definitely not a political genius just because he happened to feel the pulse of much of America on Hurricane Katrina. This is still an anti-vax man who thinks slavery is a choice, so let’s appreciate Ye for his early albums and that’s about it.

Best line (Kanye West):

“I guess it’s gon be what it’s gon be
But here’s one thing y’all got to hear
Imma tell you like George Bush told me
Fuck y’all n****s, I’m out of here”

Honorable mention line (Kanye West):

“This is dope as it get
Dope as a motherfuckin’ acid trip
Fly as fifty-seven passengers
This finna be another classic, bitch”

DJ Khaled Word Count: 103

WE THE BEST!! (x2)
I’M GOIN’ IN! (x4)

4. No Brainer

DJ Khaled (feat. Justin Bieber, Chance the Rapper, and Quavo) (2018)

Father of Asahd

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 5

Empire Strikes Back. The Dark Knight. No Brainer. It’s rare, but the sequel can be better than the original. Khaled ran back the entire I’m the One group minus Lil Wayne (regrettably), and it makes for a very solid upgrade on an already great song, even if it didn’t chart nearly as well. Each of the three featured artists shines with their own style in this upbeat bop. The only shame is Justin Bieber looks like Zack Greinke with a mustache in the music video. Fun fact: In the same interview DJ Khaled announced that he was releasing this song, he also told Conan O’Brien that he was going to create his own line of soap (and wanted his own flower). Sadly, the fans are still waiting.

Best line (Chance the Rapper):

“Don’t look rich, I ain’t got no chain
Not on the list, I ain’t got no name
But we in this bitch, bitch, I’m not no lame
And I keep it Ben Franklin, I’m not gon’ change
Lot of these hoes is messy
I just want you and your bestie
Y’all don’t gotta answer for whenever you text me
It’s multiple choice and they all wanna test me”

Honorable mention line (Justin Bieber):

“Walked down, had me sittin’ up
Demanded my attention, had to give it up
Look like somebody designed you
Drop-dead gorgeous, you make me wanna live it up”

DJ Khaled Word Count: 31


3. Out Here Grindin

DJ Khaled (feat. Akon, Rick Ross, Young Jeezy, Lil Boosie, Trick Daddy, Ace Hood, and Plies) (2008)

We Global

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 38

Now we’re really getting to the old, good stuff. Out Here Grindin stretches the limit of how many rappers you can cram in one song, but the end product is excellent since he keeps everyone to just eight bars. That, combined with Akon delivering an iconic hook and Khaled talking about being from the streets? We’ve got another trifecta. This song may not have the lasting power of some of his more recent hits, but it was huge for him at the time and is quintessential DJ Khaled. The music video’s comical, ample, dated green screen use is just the cherry on top, even if it causes us to lose Lil Wayne’s cackling feature. In case you’re like me and were wondering what Akon is up to these days, apparently he’s working to build a town called Akon City in Senegal that runs entirely on his eponymous cryptocurrency, Akoin. That sounds like a scam that would put Fyre Festival to shame, but the project has already secured $6 billion in funding for constriction, so you can put that on your bucket list when it’s scheduled to be completed in a few years.

Best line (Rick Ross):

“Smash it deal with the realest, shoppin’ like it’s still December
Diplomat on the fender of the Phantom I’m the winner
I do it for the hood, I do it cause you can’t
You suckers wish you could, Ricky Ross it’s in the bank”

Honorable mention line (Akon):

“I ain’t splittin’ nothin’ with nobody
Homey, I gotta get me me (cause I’m out here grindin)
I ain’t slept in eight days, I can go for eight weeks
Ain’t nothin’ to me, cause I am the streets”

DJ Khaled Word Count: 17


2. All I Do Is Win

DJ Khaled (feat. T-Pain, Ludacris, Snoop Dogg, and Rick Ross) (2010)


Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 24

What more is there to say about this anthem that hasn’t been pointed out in my T-Pain list? Just like everybody feels required to play I’m On A Boat whenever they’re on a boat, teams in any sport will play this song without fail after a win. It’s honestly brilliant marketing by DJ Khaled. Everyone knows the hook, and he’ll surely get nice paychecks for decades off royalties. Maybe artists should make more music that becomes mandatory at niche events. A rap about a Bar Mitzvah party? A R&B ballad about a father-daughter dance? I feel like these could be million-dollar ideas, and if anyone could assemble a dream team of mid-aughts rappers, DJ Khaled could pull it off.

Best line (Snoop Dogg):

“Time and time again while I’m sipping on this gin
Al Davis said it best, ‘Just win baby, win!'”

Honorable mention line (Ludacris):

“And I’m on this foolish track, so I spit my foolish flow
My hands go up and down, like strippers’ booties go
My verses still be servin’, tight like a million virgins
Last time on the Khaled remix, now I’m on the original version”

DJ Khaled Word Count: 14


1. We Takin’ Over

DJ Khaled (feat. Akon, T.I., Rick Ross, Fat Joe, Birdman, and Lil Wayne) (2007)

We the Best

Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 28

I totally understand if anyone has All I Do Is Win or a newer song at the top of their list, but We Takin’ Over is the perfect DJ Khaled song to me. Stuffed to the brim with six big-name rappers, Khaled’s first top-30 hit has an infectious beat and memorable hook. The music video is worth a watch at the beginning if for no other reason than the radio announcement that DJ Khaled is “wanted by an evil assailant group affiliated with censoring the powerful voice of the people.” Could this be Nappy Boi radio? We do get a T-Pain cameo later in the video. All five verses shine, and Lil Wayne’s 16 bars are some of the best in any Khaled song. And lastly, I have to shout out Fat Joe for the inexplicable idea that some people call our favorite DJ “Khaleed.” Just incredible stuff all the way around.

Best line (Lil Wayne):

“I don’t even talk, I let the Visa speak
And I like my Sprite Easter-pink
And my wrist-wear Chopard but the Muller’s cooler
I have more jewels than your jeweler
Touch and I will bust your medulla
That’s a bullet hole, it is not a tumor
Red light, red light, stop your rumors
I stay on track like a box of Pumas”

Honorable mention line:

“Some say ‘Khaled,’ some say ‘Khaleed'”

DJ Khaled Word Count: 12

LISTEN! (x4)

Categories: Uncategorized | Leave a comment

2014 Baseball Preview

Screen Shot 2014-03-24 at 10.58.46 PM

Click here to download/view

I didn’t quite beat the first game of the season because Major League Baseball scheduled the Dodgers and Diamondbacks to play in Australia eight days before any other team plays, but here’s my 2014 Baseball Preview in all its glory.

This year’s edition is 70 pages long, almost double last year’s 38-page preview. There are some other changes from last year’s preview that I talk about in the introduction, but I figure most people are just going to skip to their favorite team, so I’ll just go ahead and explain them here. Then again, there’s a good chance you’ve already opened the preview and headed straight towards your favorite team.

The 2014 Baseball Preview uses a lot more statistics than past previews have, so I’ve included an in-depth glossary for sabermetric terms just three pages into the preview. You should probably read that if you want to fully understand each team’s capsule.

I’m also excited to say that the preview focuses heavily on a retrospective analysis of wins system (RAWS) I’ve created that helps explain how well teams actually did the year before. There’s a big ol’ explanation of how RAWS works and what it means with all the data laid out.

Additionally, I got a good deal of front office input from different front team executives and scouts across Major League Baseball, so that will bring another perspective into this preview.

Finally, thank you so much for reading my preview. I put in over five months of work on this, and it’s my favorite project of the year. For the eighth year in a row, I won’t be charging anything for my baseball preview, but I’d appreciate it if you sent it along to a friend or two or twenty.


Categories: MLB, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Week 9 NFL Picks – All Favorites Everything

If you’ve been paying attention to my picks this year, you’d know that things haven’t gone exactly as planned. I’m picking 48% of the games correctly, which isn’t so bad, but I’m at -320 apples, mostly thanks to somehow going 2-6 in my Cook Out Drive-Thru Lock o’ the Week picks.

Now that we’ve reached the halfway point in the season, I thought I’d actually do some analysis. After charting all 120 games this year, here are the trends I’ve found:

Home teams are 69-49 against the spread.

Favorites are 62-55 against the spread.

Home favorites are 47-33 against the spread.

Home underdogs are 22-15 against the spread.

And with that being said, I’ll be picking every favorite this week. You know, to break my bad mojo.

Week 9 NFL Picks. Home teams in CAPS.

Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked Games:

PACKERS (-10.5) over Bears
Josh McCown was actually 14-20 for 204 yards and a touchdown that came out to a 94.6 QBR. Although he couldn’t beat Washington, he actually closed the gap by 3 points from when Cutler went out and he went in. Then again, I’m going with all the favorites this week.

COWBOYS (-10.5) over Vikings
What a choker, that Romo is. He let the Lions pick up 299 yards of offense in the fourth quarter, including going 80 yards in 50 seconds without a touchdown for the winning score.

Chargers (-1) over REDSKINS
Is it possible that Philip Rivers is having a career renaissance with Antonio Gates, Keenan Allen, Eddie Royal, and Vincent Brown as his top receivers? Oh, and The Onion killed it again.

RAIDERS (-2.5) over Eagles
Did you know that the powerhouse Eagles offense scored 10 points in the last two minutes of last game? Wait, scratch that, it’s just in the last two games.

Dunkin’ Donuts Plain Cake Games:

PANTHERS (-7.5) over Falcons
I’m sticking to my guns that the Panthers are actually a really good team, and frankly, I’m tired of the Falcons ruining my Cook Out Drive-Thru Lock o’ the Week.

Titans (-3) over RAMS
C’mon, you knew this one was the Ain’t Nobody Got Time For That Game of the Week.

SEAHAWKS (16.5) over Buccaneers
We already know the Jaguars are bad (R.I.P. list of things worst than the Jaguars this week), but the Bucs might not win a game this season. They go at Seattle, home Miami, home Atlanta, at Detroit, at Carolina, home Buffalo, home San Francisco, at St. Louis, at New Orleans. Could we have the elusive double defeated teams this year??

Colts (-2.5) over TEXANS
Sure, Case Keenum fumbled twice in his Texans debut, but at least he didn’t throw a pick six!

How bout this guy, huh?

How bout this guy, huh? 7th-highest scoring fantasy tight end, that #42 is.

KFC Double Down Games

Bengals (-2.5) over DOLPHINS
After starting 3-0, the last five weeks have illustrated that it’s hard to be good when your top skill position players are Lamar Miller, Daniel Thomas, Bad Mike Wallace, Brian Hartline, and Some Guy Named Charles Clay.

Saints (-6.5) over JETS
The Jets are the top team against the rush, so they’ll force the Saints to beat them by making Drew Brees throw the ball.

Ravens (-2.5) over BROWNS
Clearly the Ravens are a shell of their Super Bowl Champion team last year, but if they can’t beat Jason Campbell by more than a field goal, they might end up regretting giving Joe Flacco $120.6 million.

PATRIOTS (-6.5) over Steelers
Will the city of Boston have a hangover after winning the World Series in Boston for the first time in 95 years? That’s the real question.

Cook Out Drive-Thru Lock o’ the Week:

Chiefs (-3.5) over BILLS
Shouldn’t this line be six and a half points higher? I’m scared. How are the 8-0 Chiefs just favored by a field goal in Buffalo. I can’t be this dumb, right? I love Thad Lewis, but geez. Quick, everybody put your life savings on the Bills!

Overall record: 56-61-3

Last week: 6-7

Apple Total: -320

Apple Total Last Week: -40

Categories: Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Week 8 NFL Picks – The Lock’s Still Broken

You know what? At least I went 10-5 last week. Week 8 NFL Picks. Home teams in CAPS.

Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked Games:

EAGLES (-5.5) over Giants
It finally took them playing a team with a quarterback who completed 23-50 passes for the Giants to win a game. Did you know Peyton Hillis was the leading rusher last Monday night with 36 yards on 18 carries?

Bills (+12) over SAINTS
I’m so on board this Thad Lewis train. Dude is completing 64.6% of his passes and, oh yeah, did I mention he went to Duke?

RAIDERS (+2.5) over Steelers
These teams used to be really good. A decade ago. Your Ain’t Nobody Got Time For That Game of the Week.

Jets (+6.5) over BENGALS
In case you haven’t noticed, the Bengals don’t score a lot of points. They’re mostly winning games by 3 and 4 points, and the Jets weirdly play up to their competition this year.

The pushing penalty

The pushing penalty on New England against the Jets was one of the worst I’ve seen in a while. I swear the refs are out to get the Patriots.

Dunkin’ Donuts Plain Cake Games:

PATRIOTS (-6.5) over Dolphins
God what an awful call against the Patriots on that field goal at the end of last game. It’s like Boston sports teams never catch a break.

Cowboys (+3) over LIONS
I hate media narratives (other than the Jaguars being the worst thing ever), so I just want to point out that Tony Romo is not “unclutch.” In the fourth quarter when he is either up or down by 7, he’s completing 63.9% of his passes for 8.6 yards per attempt with a 2.58 TD/INT ratio and a 101.7 passer rating. Compare that to his normal 65.0% completion rate, 7.9 yards per attempt, 2.26 TD/INT ratio, and 94.1 passer rating. And I know your response: “Yeah, but still.” And it’s a quality response.

Redskins (+12.5) over BRONCOS
The Broncos haven’t covered their spread in the past three weeks and are looking particularly vulerable on (pass) defense. Considering the Redskins are 7th in passing, 4th in rushing, and 10th in scoring, this seems like the perfect opportunity for a backdoor cover on a nearly two-touchdown spread at the very least.

Packers (-9) over VIKINGS
Maybe Leslie Frazier thinks he can combine Moshian Freeselder into one semi-competent quarterback? He knows he has Adrian Peterson, the greatest running back alive, on his team, right?

KFC Double Down Games

Panthers (-6) over BUCCANEERS
Biases aside, I think the Panthers are actually a very good team. I’m going to ride out their artificially low spreads that put too much weight on their disappointing record until they inevitably blow a primetime game to a bad team. Wait a minute…

CHIEFS (-7.5) over Browns
Jason Campbell is about to become the 20th quarterback to start for the Browns since 1999. That’s so sad that Jeff Garcia reached out to them saying he’s ready to play. I’m not even making that up. Dude is 43 years old.

SEAHAWKS (-10.5) over Rams
On my Monday radio show with Jackson Martin (shameless plug) I couldn’t remember which former Jets backup is now starting for the Rams. Greg McElroy? Vinny Testaverde? David Garrard? Chad Pennington? Nope. Kellen Clemens.

Niners (-16.5) over JAGUARS
Here is a running list of things better than the Jaguars:
1. A-Rod’s ability to not act like a bridesmaid
2. This kid’s ability to smile for a picture
3. Jonathan Villar’s bunting ability
4. Melky Cabrera’s throwing arm
5. Songs about problems that hot girls have
6. Gana Diop’s free throw shooting
7. Gana Diop’s put-back skills
8. Gana Diop’s car dealership sales pitch
9. Gana Diop raps
10. Gana Diop’s blow-on-Dwight-Howard-and-maybe-he-won’t-embarrass-me defense in the playoffs

Cook Out Drive-Thru Lock o’ the Week:

Falcons (+2.5) over CARDINALS
This makes me so nervous. Why aren’t the Falcons favored? Am I missing something? I keep missing my locks of the week even though they seem so obvious to me. What’s going on? Am I crazy? Isn’t Carson Palmer the quarterback of this team? Haven’t they lost their past two games by 12 points apiece? Isn’t Matt Ryan 3rd in the league in passing? Ahhhhhh.

Overall record: 50-54-3

Last week: 10-5

Apple Total: -280

Apple Total Last Week: -15

Categories: Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Week 1 NFL Picks – Return of the Apples

We had a nice appetizer last week with college football, but now it’s time for real football. The NFL is making its glorious return Thursday night, which means the glorious return of my weekly NFL picks. Don’t everybody get excited at once!

As you remember, last year I switched up my system for making picks by making four categories of games. Each game is worth a different amount of apples, because, of course, betting money on sports is illegal in the United States.

We have the Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked Games, which are worth 5 apples.

We have the Dunkin’ Donuts Plain Cake Games, which are worth 10 apples.

We have the KFC Double Down (May They Rest in Peace) Games, which are worth 20 apples.

And finally, we have the Cook Out Drive-Thru Lock o’ the Week, which is worth 50 apples.

The math is tough, but you’ll have to hang in here. Basically, the more confident I am, the more apples I’ll wager. Although my record against the spread last year was just 133-124-5, I made 365 apples. Basically, I have the clutch gene and am better and picking the more valuable games.

Without further ado, let’s get this season going strong. Home teams in CAPS.

Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked Game:

STEELERS (-7) over Titans
What ever happened to the Steelers offense? Their starting running back is Isaac Redman, and their starting receivers are Antonio Brown and Emmanuel Sanders. The good news is they don’t have Jake Locker starting for them at quarterback.

BROWNS (-1) over Dolphins
Brandon Weeden and Ryan Tannehill: It’s our Ain’t Nobody Got Time For That Game of the Week.

Vikings (+5.5) over LIONS
The Lions aren’t as bad as their 4-12 record last year, and the Vikings aren’t as good as their 10-6 record this year, but I’m scratching my head over this line. Adrian Peterson racked up 273 yards in his two games against Detroit last year, and he should do even better now with Greg Jennings stealing attention.

COWBOYS (-3.5) over Giants
Admitedly, I’ve never been a fan of the Giants, but isn’t it at least a tiny bit concerning that David Wilson is their only feature back. Dude fumbled on his second NFL carry and was promptly benched for most of the season.

Eagles (+3.5) over REDSKINS
The Eagles are supremely underrated this season. They were Super Bowl contenders last year, and they still have the same team, although now they have a coach who can really take advantage of their speedy offensive personnel. Chip Kelly and Michael Vick may just set this league on fire. Or crash and burn, who knows?

Dunkin’ Donuts Plain Cake Game:

NINERS (-4.5) over Packers
Losing Michael Crabtree really hurts the Niners, but losing Brian Bulaga just kills the Packers. With San Fran’s front seven looming, Aaron Rodgers will have approximately 0.617 seconds to throw each pass. And yes, I calculated that down the thousandths of a second. It’s very advanced math.

Seahawks (-3.5) over PANTHERS
It’s a 10 a.m. West Coast game. The Seahawks don’t have Percy Harvin. They do have Sidney Rice. I so want to pick the Panthers. But then again, the Panthers offensive line is a certified mess, and the Seahawks do have a fairly solid defense.

RAMS (-4.5) over Cardinals
The Cardinals swapped Beanie Wells for Rashard Mendenhall as “That Guy Who Really Sucks At Football But Ends Up Drafted Way Too High In My Fantasy League Because Yeah He Is a Starting Running Back And You Really Can’t Have Enough Running Backs, Especially Starting Running Backs.”

    Unhappy with Carson Palmer, the Raiders are opting for a platoon of suck at the quarterback position.

Unhappy with Carson Palmer, the Raiders are opting for a platoon of suck at the quarterback position.

Bengals (+3) over BEARS
CBS picking the Bengals to win the Super Bowl made me laugh, but if you want a fraction of a shot to win it, you’d better not lose to the Bears by more than a field goal.

COLTS (-9.5) over Raiders
This line seemed way too high until I remembered that Terrelle Pryor and Matt Flynn were fighting for the starting quarterback job.

KFC Double Down Game:

Texans (-4) over CHARGERS
Fun Fact: the Chargers have opened the year on Monday Night Football in four of the past five years.

Ravens (+7.5) over BRONCOS
I understand the Broncos are very good and the Ravens lost a lot of players, but this is still the Super Bowl champs we’re talking about. Champ Bailey is out for this game, and I’m not giving up more than a touchdown.

Falcons (+3) over SAINTS
The Falcons might be the best non-West team in the NFC, and I’m getting points? NOLA’s D is about to be shredded.

Patriots (-9.5) over BILLS
This line would be 15.5 points in New England. Actually.

Buccaneers (-3) over JETS
I’m trying to decide if abominable or odious better describes the Jets.

Cook Out Drive-Thru Lock o’ the Week

Chiefs (-4) over JAGUARS
Here is a running list of things better than the Jaguars:
1. Brad Paisley and LL Cool J duets
2. Adam Dunn playing defense
3. A white guy in cornrows
4. The Houston Astros
5. Columns comparing Johnny Manziel to Rosa Parks
6. Ryan Braun’s ability to round third
7. Ryan Braun’s ability to correctly identify anti-semites
8. Ryan Braun’s ability to dump a Gatorade cooler on a teammate
9. Ryan Braun’s ability to look friends in the eye and tell the truth
10. Ryan Braun’s ability to fail a drug test, get off on a technicality, and then successfully avoid being caught again

Overall record: 0-0

Last week: 0-0

Apple Total: 0

Apple Total Last Week: 0

Categories: Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Chase Garnham joins in lawsuit against NCAA

The NCAA can’t get out of the news, and it’s not because of the actual games on the field. Instead of celebrating tantalizing talents like Jadeveon Clowney and Johnny Manziel, the fans’ focus has shifted to the NCAA potentially colluding  with video-game giant Electronic Arts to make billions off their cash-cow student-athletes.

The biggest threat to the NCAA is currently the class action anti-trust lawsuit brought on by Ed O’Bannon, a star basketball player for UCLA in the 1990s.

O’Bannon contends that the NCAA and EA, which makes popular video games “NCAA Football” and “NCAA March Madness,” together artificially set the price of a student-athlete’s likeness at $0. On an open market, the players’ likenesses would undoubtedly be worth more than that.

The NCAA doesn’t pay student-athletes, who must sign a waiver that forfeits their right to make money off their own likeness as NCAA athletes. Receiving payment would make them professionals, and professionals can’t play in an amateur sport—an amateur sport that nets more than $6 billion in revenues annually.


One of nine Vanderbilt captains, Garnham has a chance to change the landscape of college sports as we know it.

While the O’Bannon suit could revolutionize the way all college sports operate, an impact has already been felt on Vanderbilt’s campus: senior linebacker Chase Garnham has joined lawsuit as a plaintiff.

Five other current student-athletes also joined Garnham in the lawsuit: Arizona’s Jake Fischer and Jake Smith, Clemson’s Darius Robertson, and Minnesota’s Moses Alipate and Victor Kiese.

The proceedings won’t affect Garnham’s eligibility, however, and he will be a key cog in the Commodores’ defense this year. Garnham, who is not answering questions about the case at this time, was second on the team with 84 tackles last year and led the team with seven sacks.

Although the lawsuit is far from nearing an end—the trial is set for July 9, 2014—signals that O’Bannon and Co. may end up winning are already visible. Last month, the NCAA ended its partnership with EA and will not license an “NCAA Football 15” game.

Adding two and two together, it’s clear that the NCAA does not want to run the risk of having to pay thousands of student-athletes for the right to their likeness, should O’Bannon win the lawsuit.

Another potential impact of the O’Bannon lawsuit is that players would receive royalties from revenue coming from merchandise and broadcast rights.

Previously, the NCAA claimed that they just sold generic jerseys, although nearly every jersey sold in the Vanderbilt book store last year was No. 2 or No. 11, which happen to be the same numbers worn by starting running back Zac Stacy and quarterback Jordan Rodgers, respectively.

ESPN analyst Jay Bilas debunked the laughable claim earlier this month when he exposed that you could search for players’ names on ShopNCAAsports.com and find specific player jerseys. Three days later, the NCAA announced they would stop selling jerseys because, as NCAA president Mark Emmert put it, they can “certainly recognize why that could be seen as hypocritical.”

All of this means that schools may have to skimp on other aspects of the athletic experience. Maybe schools like Oregon will have to put a few less Milanese-furnished barbershops and pool tables in their $86 million football facilities.

The landscape of college athletics could undergo some massive changes in the near future, and Chase Garnham will play a large role in the lawsuit. For now, though, he’ll be just another key player on Vanderbilt’s defense.

(This first appeared in the Vanderbilt Hustler)

Categories: Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Hickory Crawdads Podcast

I’ve gotten to write a lot of stories for the Charlotte Observer this summer, but this one has been my favorite this far. I went an hour north of Charlotte to Hickory to watch the Hickory Crawdads play.

Besides the fact that they’ve got a great team name, the team is incredibly interesting. They’ve got five of the Rangers Top 10 prospects–they received a combined $13.7 million bonus–and that doesn’t even include the minor league leader in home runs.

Joey Gallo. Lewis Brinson. Nomar Mazara. Jorge Alfaro. Ronald Guzman. Even Ryan Rua and Nick Williams. The list of talented players goes on and on.

You can read the full article here, but there’s more content I want to share that I couldn’t fit in the article. That’s why I made the 5th installment of The Knuckle Cast.

This podcast features interviews with Gallo, Brinson, Rua, Williams, and manager Corey Ragsdale. My interviews with Mazara, Alfaro, and Guzman were over the phone and needed a translator, so they’re not really worth sharing.

I had a lot of fun with this project, and I hope between the article and the podcast you enjoy it a fraction as much as I did.

The Knuckle Cast Episode #5

(This may take a minute to load, but I promise it’s worth the wait.)


(The Observer link is now broken, so I copied it here.)

Baseball history is being made by the Hickory Crawdads this summer.

The Crawdads have passed their season record of 135 home runs–and there’s still a quarter of the season left. And they’re well on their way to shattering a Class A record set in 1998.

But with the home runs come a lot of swings and misses. The team also is on pace to break the minor league record for strikeouts and become the first team to whiff 1,400 times.

The Crawdads have struck out 10 times or more in more than half of their games, and they’re hit multiple home runs in more than a third of their games. This has led them to be the fourth-highest scoring team in teh South Atlantic League and the second-worst team in batting average and on-base percentage.

Cradads second baseman Ryan Rua leads all of minor league baseball with 29 home runs. At age 23, he is older than most players in the league, and there isn’t much precedent for sluggers his age making it from Class A to the majors.

But he is playing on a team filled with potential and loaded with some of the best young talent in baseball.

On a rainy afternoon last month in Hickory, seven scouts watched the Crawdads, the youngest South Atlantic League team.

The club includes five of the Texas Rangers’ top 10 prospects, according to Baseball Prospectus, an amateur baseball scouting service. The Rangers, Hickory’s major league parent club invested $13.7 million in those five players.

That collection of talent on one Class A team is rare. The Arkansas Travelers, the Angels’ Class AA affiliate, is the only other minor league team with even four hitters among the team’s top 10 prospects.

With a With a starting lineup whose average age is nearly three years younger than the rest of the South Atlantic League, Hickory’s talent has keyed the Crawdads’ run to first place in the Northern Division.

“For me being the older guy,” Rua said, “it’s fun to watch them and their talents they have at such a young age.”

While manager Corey Ragsdale said the players aren’t close to where they need to be as hitters, he also said there isn’t another minor league team he’d trade his for because of its sheer talent.

“This is their first full year of baseball,” Ragsdale said. “A bunch of them would be freshman in college right now. Some of the Latin kids would even be seniors in high school still. It’s a pretty big jump; they’re facing kids older than them every day of the season.”

Third baseman Joey Gallo, 19, and center fielder Lewis Brinson, have accounted for nearly a third of the team’s home runs and more than a quarter of the team’s strikeouts. The two were drafted 10 picks apart last year and have roomed together for two years.

Gallo led the minors in home runs before suffering a groin injury that has kept him out for a short stint. He has what one scout called “majestic power.” Brinson is an excellent defender with power and speed. He has 17 home runs and 16 stolen bases.

Even though they stigned for a combined $3.875 million, the two live small. Gallo grew up in Las Vegas, where he often would head to the Strip for dinner and a show on the weekend. Now, he and Brinson spend a lot of time playing video games.

“Maybe we can go out to eat a little more, but that’s about it,” Gallo said.

The other three young potential stars arrived through a different route. Catcher Jorge Alfaro, 20, right fielder Nomar Mazara, 18, and first baseman Ronald Guzman, 18, signed with Texas in international free agency. Mazara got the biggest bonus of the group: $5 million.

The three live together in an apartment with shortstop Luis Marte. Mazara, Guzman and Marte, along with 11 other crawdads played last year for Ragsdale in Arizona, where they won the Arizona League rookie title. Since they’ve been together for more than a year, they have chemistry and can overcome a language barrier.

“We always mess around, saying stuff in Spanish–mostly bad words because that’s all we know–and they say a lot of bad words in English to us,” Gallo said. “We all get along really well, and it’s a lot of fun being with people that are from different places in the world and grew up a little different than you did.”

After finishing a half-game out of first place in the first half, the Crawdads now are third in the Northern Division. For the season, they are 2 1/2 games out of first.

The fans have taken notice of the team’s talent and success; attendance which had been falling during recent years, is up slightly to 2,075 fans per game.

The players also see how special this team is and sometimes envision themselves playing together with the Rangers in the future.

“We have a tremendous amount of talent on this team,” Gallo said. “I don’t see why this whole team can’t move up together and make it up to the top.”

Categories: MLB, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Top 20 Kanye West Songs

I spent four nights in Chicago while my brother visited colleges, and I came up with this idea. Kanye West is the greatest artist of this generation I don’t want to hear an argument against this so I figured I’d make a Top 10 of Kanye West songs.

Then after second thought, that would be too hard, and it wouldn’t do justice to Yeezy’s work. So I expanded to a Top 20.

But even a Top 20 doesn’t do him justice because I ended up leaving off some great songs. That just goes to show how enduring and powerful his music is.

And I know what you’re saying: “Ben, this is a sports blog, not a music blog!”

“Ben, rap music is shallow and churlish and trash!”

“Ben, Kanye West has nothing on Trinadad James and Juicy J!”

Well then just skip this post. (Warning: Kanye uses a bit of language in his songs, and I’m keeping quotes true to the songs)

20. New God Flow

CruelSummercoverCruel Summer – 2012

I’m not a huge fan of Cruel Summer since it feels more like a DJ Khaled album than a Kanye Album, but Kanye kills it on this track. I barely put this in over Love Lockdown because it’s a little too auto-tuney and doesn’t have many great lines for a Ye song, plus another song higher up on the list better represents 808s and Heartbreak. Anyway, Pusha T opens with the first two verses of the song, which have some clever rhymes, but I’m completely ignoring the Ghostface Killa part at the end, which doesn’t even appear on the Single version.


“Did Moses not part the water with the cane? / Did strippers not make an ark when I made it rain?”

“Hold up, I ain’t trying to stunt, man
But these Yeezys jumped over the Jumpman
Went from most hated to the champion god flow
I guess that’s a feeling only me and LeBron know”

“What has the world come to, I’m from the 312
Where cops don’t come through and dreams don’t come true
Like there the god go in his Murcielago
From working McDonalds, barely paying the car note
He even got enough to get his mama a condo
Then they ran up and shot him right in front of his mom”

19. Through The Wire

Kanyewest_collegedropoutThe College Dropout – 2004

This was Kanye’s first song after his near-fatal car accident, where he talks about… his near-fatal car accident. And how he’s “the hottest rap label around.” His first verse is full of clever rhymes, and he really opens up in this song.


“Dawg, don’t you realize I’ll never make it on a bad plane now? / It’s bad enough I got all this jewelry on!”

“But I’m a champion, so I turned tragedy to triumph / Make music that’s fire, spit my soul through the wire”

“And just imagine how my girl might feel
On the plane, scared as hell that her guy look like Emmett Till
She was with me before the deal, she been tryna be mine
She a Delta, so she been throwin’ that Dynasty sign”

18. Dark Fantasy

My_Beautiful_Dark_Twisted_FantasyMy Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy – 2010

Dark Fantasy is the first song in My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy, setting the tone for his fifth album, which Entertainment Weekly named the 8th greatest album of all-time. Nicki Minaj starts it off with a twist on Roald Dahl’s take on Cinderella from Revolting Rhymes. Her shift from happy-sounding to angry lets you know what’s coming in MBDTF.


“The plan was to drink until the pain over / But what’s worse, the pain or the hangover?”

“You might think you’ve peeped the scene
You haven’t, the real one’s far too mean
The watered-down one, the one you know
was made up centuries ago
They made it sound wack and corny
Yes it’s awful, blasted boring
Twisted fictions, sick addictions
Well gather ‘round children, zip it, listen”

“Stupid, but what the hell do I know / I’m just a Chi-town n***a with a Nas flow”

17. I Am A God

Yeezus_Kanye_WestYeezus – 2013

This is an… interesting song. Taken out of context, misanthropes will say this is why everyone hates Kanye: He’s egotistical and arrogant. But check out Psalm 82.6: “I have said, Ye are gods; and all of you are children of the most High.” I Am A God also has the most quotable line from the entire album and a whole lot of screaming.


“I am a god
Even though I’m a man of God
My whole life in the hands of God
So y’all better quit playing with God”

“I just talked to Jesus
He said, “What up Yeezus?”
I said, “Shit I’m chilling
Trying to stack these millions”
I know he the most high
But I am a close high”

“In a French-ass restaurant / Hurry up with my damn croissants”

16. Flashing Lights

Graduation_(album)Graduation – 2007

This is one of Kanye’s tamer songs, where he talks about his relationship with the media by personifying them as a girlfriend he can’t get out of his mind. This one’s actually okay for your grandma to listen to! At least the clean version…


“She don’t believe in shooting stars / But she believe in shoes and cars”

“I’m more of the trips to Florida / Ordered the hors d’oeuvres, views of the water / Straight from the page of your favorite author”

“In my past, you on the other side of the glass
Of my memory’s museum
I’m just saying, hey Mona Lisa come home
You know you can’t roam without Caesar”

15. Can’t Tell Me Nothing

Graduation_(album)Graduation – 2007

It sounds like Kanye is saying he won’t listen to anyone because he has money, but he’s actually mocking people who believe that. He already has his money right. Fun fact: I always think of The Hangover when this song comes on.


“Life is a, UH, depending how you dress her / So if the devil wear Prada, Adam Eve wear nada / I’m in between but way more fresher”

“I had a dream I could buy my way to heaven
When I woke, I spent that on a necklace
I told God I’d be back in a second
Man it’s so hard not to act reckless”

“I feel the pressure, under more scrutiny
And what I do, act more stupidly
Bought more jewelry, more Louis V
My Momma couldn’t get through to me”

14. Diamonds from Sierra Leone (Remix)

Late_registration_cd_coverLate Registration – 2005

Most people like the original version of this song better, but I’m partial to the Remix. Kanye simultaneously talks about the internal struggle over Blood Diamonds which he dubs “conflict diamonds” and his relationship with Jay-Z–where their symbol for Roc-a-fella Records is a diamond over Shirley Bassey’s Diamonds Are Forever track. Jay-Z closes the song with the great line: “If you’re waiting for the end of the Dynasty sign / It would seem like forever is a mighty long time.”


“See, a part of me saying: “Keep shining”
How? When I know what a blood diamond is
Though it’s thousands of miles away
Sierra Leone connects to what we go through today” ”

“Over here it’s a drug trade, we die from drugs / Over there they die from what we buy from drugs”

“The diamonds, the chains, the bracelets, the charmses
I thought my Jesus-piece was so harmless
Til I seen a picture of a shorty armless
And here’s the conflict:
It’s in a black person soul to rock that gold
Spend your whole life trying to get that ice”

13. Stronger

Graduation_(album)Graduation – 2007

This was Ye’s big hit off his third album, his second-ever single to reach No. 1 on the Billboard Top 100. Using samples from Daft Punk’s “Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger,” Stronger has a fun beat and it’s one of his best-known songs, but it’s not as deep as a lot of other songs on this list. But what makes a good song? Popularity or the message?


“Now that that don’t kill me / Can only make me stronger”

“Damn, they don’t make ’em like this anymore / I ask, cause I’m not sure / Do anybody make real shit anymore?”

“Bow in the presence of greatness
Cause right now thou hast forsaken us
You should be honored by my lateness
That I would even show up to this fake shit”

12. Runaway

My_Beautiful_Dark_Twisted_FantasyMy Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy – 2010

A beautifully sad song, this song might sum up My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy best. Kanye talks about how he can’t keep a relationship with women and tells them not to settle with bad men. Also, this has one of the best music videos I’ve seen, which ties in several other songs from the album. That’s art.


“And I always find, yeah, I always find something wrong
You been putting up with my shit just way too long
I’m so gifted at finding what I don’t like the most
So I think it’s time for us to have a toast”

“Let’s have a toast for the douchebags
Let’s have a toast for the assholes
Let’s have a toast for the scumbags
Every one of them that I know
Let’s have a toast for the jerkoffs
That’ll never take work off
Baby, I got a plan
Run away fast as you can”

“And I don’t know how Imma manage / If one day you just up and leave”

11. Lost in the World

My_Beautiful_Dark_Twisted_FantasyMy Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy – 2010

It’s a simple song, short and repetitive, but a great one. When I first played this song in the car with my brother, he asked “Is this music?” because the Bon Iver beginning is very, well, Bon Iver-ish. But apparently, Kanye’s first eight bars were his favorite ever to write.


“You’re my devil, you’re my angel
You’re my heaven, you’re my hell
You’re my now, you’re my forever
You’re my freedom, you’re my jail
You’re my lies, you’re my truth
You’re my war, you’re my truce
You’re my questions, you’re my proof
You’re my stress and you’re my masseuse”

“I’m lost in the world, I’m down on my mind / I’m new in the city, and I’m down for the night”

“Lost in this plastic life / Let’s break out of this fake ass party / Turn this into a classic night”

10. Homecoming

Graduation_(album)Graduation – 2007

Kanye had been working on this song a while before it came out in 2007, and it’s one of his best. He gives an ode to his home town of Chicago he moved there at age three after his mom’s divorce by personifying Chi-town as a girl from home. Once you figure out that much he spoils it at the end you can see how well his lines talk about both a girl and his hometown. That’s why this is my favorite song on Graduation.


“I met this girl when I was 3 years old
And what I loved most she had so much soul
She said ‘Excuse me lil homey, I know you don’t know me
But, my name is Windy and I like to blow trees'”

“And when I grew up she showed me how to go downtown
In the nighttime her face lit up, so astounding
I told her in my heart is where she’ll always be
She never messed with entertainers cause they always leave”

“Now everybody got the game figured out all wrong / I guess you never know what you got ’til it’s gone / I guess that’s why I’m here and I can’t come back home”

9. Coldest Winter

808s_&_Heartbreak808s and Heartbreak – 2008

There are only nine different lines in this song, but they’re haunting. The heavy drums in the background play up the lyrics even more. 808s and Heartbreak came on the heels of his mom’s death (we’ll see her importance to him in a few songs) and the breaking off of his two-year engagement with Alexis Phifer, and this song best represents that time in his life. Fun fact: The holiday season has the highest suicide rate of any time of the year!


“On lonely nights, I start to fade
Her love is a thousand miles away
Memories made in the coldest winter
Goodbye my friend, will I ever love again”

“It’s 4 a.m. and I can’t sleep / Her love is all that I can see”

“If spring can take the snow away
Can it melt away all of our mistakes
Memories made in the coldest winter
Goodbye my friend, I won’t ever love again, never again”

8. Black Skinhead

Yeezus_Kanye_WestYeezus – 2013

This is where Kanye’s songs take a leap; these next eight songs are fantastic. Although this was the second song on Yeezus, it sets the tone for the whole album with rebellious lyrics, coarse music, and screams. And this beat is impossible not to love. He killed it on SNL but sadly left out the line “My homie was number one draft pick / They still burned his jersey in Akron” in the album version. It’s also a little unclear if Black Skinhead means he hates how black people are acting or if he thinks blacks are superior. Maybe both.


“They see a black man with a white woman / At the top floor they gone come to kill King Kong”

“Four in the morning, and I’m zoning
They say I’m possessed, it’s an omen
I keep it 300, like the Romans
300 bitches, where the Trojans?
Baby we living in the moment
I’ve been a menace for the longest
But I ain’t finished, I’m devoted
And you know it, and you know it”

“So follow me up cause this shit ’bout to go (down)
I’m doing 500, I’m outta control (now)
But there’s nowhere to go (now)
And there’s no way to slow (down)
If I knew what I knew in the past
I would’ve been blacked out on your ass”

7. No Church in the Wild

Watch_The_ThroneWatch the Throne – 2011

No Church in the Wild is probably the best song on Watch the Thone, in large part to Jay-Z killing his verse, but I’m only considering Kanye lines. This song is used in about two dozen commercials and previews, much like Macklemore & Ryan Lewis’ Can’t Hold Us, but it has crazy good staying power. I could write an entire essay on this song. I probably will someday.


“Human beings in a mob / What’s a mob to a king? What’s a king to a God? / What’s a God to a non-believer who don’t believe in anything?”

“Two tattoos: one read “No Apologies”
The other said “Love is Cursed by Monogamy”
It’s something that the pastor don’t preach
It’s something that a teacher can’t teach
When we die the money we can’t keep
But we probably spend it all cause the pain ain’t cheap: preach”

“We formed a new religion
No sins as long as there’s permission
And deception is the only felony
So never fuck nobody without telling me”

6. N****s in Paris

Watch_The_ThroneWatch the Throne – 2011

Huge hit. Lots of quotable lines, too. What’s not to love? These guys are so good they can thrown a couple lines from Blades of Glory on the record and still make Top 5 on the Billboard.


“Doctors say I’m the illest, cause I’m suffering from realness
Got my n****s in Paris and they going gorillas, huh
I don’t even know what that means
(No one knows what it means, but it’s provocative)
No it’s not, it’s gross (Gets the people going)”

“That shit cray, ain’t it Jay? What she order, fish filet?”

“Excuse my French but I’m in France, I’m just sayin’ / Prince William ain’t do it right if you ask me / Cause I was him, I would have married Kate and Ashley”

5. Hey Mama

Late_registration_cd_coverLate Registration – 2005

I’ll be perfectly honest: this song makes me cry. Hey Mama was the first song Kanye ever wrote, which gives a shout out to the most important person in his life: Donda West. A lot of people haven’t heard this song, but it’s undoubtedly one of his best. Watching him break down crying while singing this live kills me.


“(Hey Mama), I wanna scream so loud for you, cause I’m so proud of you
Let me tell you what I’m about to do, (Hey Mama)
I know I act a fool but, I promise you I’m goin’ back to school
I appreciate what you allowed for me
I just want you to be proud of me”

“I wanna tell the whole world about a friend of mine
This little light of mine and I’m finna let it shine
I’m finna take yall back to them better times
I’m finna talk about my mama if yall don’t mind”

“Seven years old, caught you with tears in your eyes
Cuz a n***a cheatin’, telling you lies, then I started to cry
As we knelt on the kitchen floor
I said mommy Imma love you till you don’t hurt no more
And when I’m older, you ain’t gotta work no more
And Imma get you that mansion that we couldn’t afford
See you’re, unbreakable, unmistakable
Highly capable, lady that’s makin’ loot
A livin’ legend too, just look at what heaven do
Send us an angel, and I thank you”

4. Gold Digger

Late_registration_cd_coverLate Registration – 2005

For starters, Jamie Foxx does a fantastic Ray Charles impersonation coming off his Academy Award-winning performance in “Ray,” and it’s more than ironic that he takes the I Got A Woman hook and completely flips the meaning. This was Kanye’s first No. 1 Billboard song, and it’s fun. An awful story, for sure, but it’s fun.


“Now I ain’t saying she a gold digger / But she ain’t messing with no broke n****s”

“You will see him on TV any given Sunday
Win the Super Bowl and drive off in a Hyundai
She was supposed to buy your shorty Tyco with your money
She went to the doctor got lipo with your money
She walking around looking like Michael with your money
Should’ve got that insured, Geico for your money”

“18 years, 18 years / And on the 18th birthday he found out it wasn’t his?!”

3. All of the Lights

My_Beautiful_Dark_Twisted_FantasyMy Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy – 2010

This is a lot more radio-friendly than Power, but it’s doesn’t have a strong of a message. That said, his story of a dysfunctional family is also meant to illustrate Kanye’s relationship with fame is still great. Imagine that, another song where Kanye personifies a facet of his life as a woman. But it’s catchy, the music is great, and all the featured artists (including Elton John!!!) do a great job. Except Fergie. The radio edit is better since she’s not on it.


“I made mistakes, I bumped my head
Courts sucked me dry, I spent that bread
She need her daddy, baby please
Can’t let her grow up in that ghetto university”

“All of the lights, all of the lights / Turn up the lights in here, baby / Extra bright, I want y’all to see this”

“I did that time and spent that bread
I’m heading home, I’m almost there
I’m on my way, heading up the stairs
To my surprise, a n***a replacing me
I had to take him to that ghetto university”

2. Power

My_Beautiful_Dark_Twisted_FantasyMy Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy – 2010

I had this at No. 3 for a while, but his SNL performance, in which he includes a much more show-friendly second verse, and music video push it over the top. I don’t have much more to add beyond the fact that it’s a really great song, probably the best single on his best album.


“No one man should have all that power
The clock’s ticking, I just count the hours
Stop tripping, I’m tripping off the power
Till then, fuck that, the world’s ours”

“The system broken, the school is closed, the prison’s open”

“My childlike creativity, purity, and honesty
Is honestly being crowded by these grown thoughts
Reality is catching up with me
Taking my inner child, I’m fighting for custody
With these responsibilities that they entrusted me
As I look down at my diamond-encrusted piece”

1. Jesus Walks

Kanyewest_collegedropoutThe College Dropout – 2004

Kanye West is extremely religious, so it’s only fitting that this is his top song. You can pretty much just cut to the last nine lines for the message, but the whole song is incredible from the drill sergeant orders to the choir voices to Kanye being Kanye. Strange that his best song came nearly a decade ago, but he was able to make a religious hip-hop song become ultra-successful in the mainstream.


“So here go my single dog radio needs this
They say you can rap about anything except for Jesus
That means guns, sex, lies, videotape
But if I talk about God my record won’t get played, huh?
Well if this take away from my spins
Which will probably take away from my ends
Then I hope this take away from my sins
And bring the day that I’m dreaming about
Next time I’m in the club, everybody screaming out (Jesus Walks!)”

“God show me the way because the Devil trying to break me down
The only thing that I pray is that my feet don’t fail me now
And I don’t think there is nothing I can do now to right my wrongs
I want to talk to God but I’m afraid because we ain’t spoke in so long”

“A trunk full of coke rental car from Avis
My momma used to say only Jesus can save us
Well momma I know I act a fool
But I’ll be gone ’til November I got packs to move I hope”



Categories: Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.