Monthly Archives: December 2013

There’s gotta be a Kanye West reference in here if the title is Leather Jogging Pants, right? Week 16 NFL Picks. Home teams in CAPS.

Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked Games:

Raiders (+10) over CHARGERS
Going from playing at Denver to hosting Oakland is a pretty huge dropoff. I’m betting the Chargers let up to some extent here, especially with Kansas City coming to town next week.

Steelers (PK) over PACKERS
Matt Flynn’s playing really well with the Packers. I wonder if he’ll finally get paid this off-season.

Falcons (+12) over NINERS
Record be damned, the Falcons do have talented players, which is more than most 4-10 teams can say. I highly doubt they win this one, but I also doubt they get blown out in primetime.

         I’m pretty bummed this game isn’t on Sunday Night Football.           I ❤ Kraken

Saints (+3) over PANTHERS
I really want to believe the Panthers are going to win this game. I do. And I know the Saints are 1-6 against the spread on the road. But the Panthers looked awful in the Superdome, and I have a hard time convincing myself they’ll outright win this game, let alone cover the spread.

BENGALS (-7.5) over Vikings
When one team has to use a backup punter, you know it’s your Ain’t Nobody Got Time For That Game of the Week.

Dunkin’ Donuts Plain Cake Games:

REDSKINS (+3) over Cowboys
Sure, Mike Shanahan has totally butchered this RG3 situation from playing him in last year’s playoff game to this entire season, but Kirk Cousins is making me dolla dolla bills on Earn Like a Pro. GO KIRK COUSINS!!!

SEAHAWKS (-10.5) over Cardinals
The Texas Rangers taking Russell Wilson in the Rule V draft makes little sense for several reasons, not the least of which is Wilson plays about 200% better in Seattle. Seattle is not in Texas.

Bears (+3) over EAGLES
Chicago is 15 yards away from having three players with 1,200 yards rushing or receiving. Just think about that for a second. And then think about Jay Cutler throwing interceptions and looking grumpy.

Patriots (+2.5) over RAVENS
Without Gronk and Wilfork, the Patriots don’t have a Super Bowl run in them. But they probably have a scrappy run to the AFC Championship Game in them that will get the entire city of Boston’s hope up, only to see it come crashing down.

Giants (+9) over LIONS
Hey, why not?

KFC Double Down Games:

Dolphins (-2.5) over BILLS
I’m a little tired of the idea the Bills are so much more used to the cold weather than the Dolphins. Sure, the fans are used to the cold, but most of the players on roster are from the South. E.J. Manuel? Virginia Beach. C.J. Spiller? Lake Butler, Florida. Mario Williams. Richland, N.C.

RAMS (-5.5) over BUCCANEERS
Zac Stacy is closing in on 1,000 yards rushing in his rookie year, despite only receiving one carry in his first four games. Oh, and Vanderbilt hit it first.

Titans (-5.5) over JAGUARS
Here is a running list of things better than the Jaguars:
1. The Bengals’ tackling
2. Arizona Western’s punter
3. Bolbi Stroganovsky’s dancing
4. Al Jefferson’s hook shot
5. This dog’s ability to protect its owner from a cat
6. Nick Young’s trick shot ability
7. Nick Young’s ability to run a fastbreak
8. Nick Young’s choice in nicknames
9. Nick Young’s shot selection
10. Nick Young’s ability to not infringe upon Kanye West’s leather jogging pants monopoly

Broncos (-10.5) over TEXANS
As much as the Texans’ front office may want to lose their last two games to lock up Teddy Bridgewater, but you know who doesn’t want that to happen? Case Keenum. Luckily, there’s not much he can do about it.

CHIEFS (-7) over Colts
Fun fact: Alex Smith’s 5 touchdown passes went a combined 13 yards last week. That’s it. I don’t have any stats to throw at you about why the Chiefs will win, but they will.

Cook Out Drive-Thru Lock o’ the Week:

Browns (+2) over JETS
The Jets (specifically Geno Smith) have trouble against teams with good defenses. Believe it or not, the Browns have a great pass rush, led by 4.5-sack, $40 million Paul Kruger with one of the best corners in the game, Joe Haden.

Overall record: 113-104-7

Last week: 12-4

Apple Total: -230

Apple Total Last Week: 85

For the first time all year, I broke the .500 mark picking games after going 9-7. As a comparison, Bill Simmons, who originally inspired me to go into sports writing, is 90-112-6 on the season. Small Miracles.

However, I’m still 315 apples in debt since I’m fully incapable of picking my Cook Out Drive-Thru Lock o’ the Week. Basically I don’t know what I’m good at. At the very least, I’m getting most of my picks correctly, which bodes well for the future.

In case you forgot, never knew, or don’t read my intros (which doesn’t help in this case), each of my four unofficially officially sponsored sections of picks are weighted by different amounts of apples. Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked Games are worth 5 apples, Dunkin’ Donuts Plain Cake Games are worth 10 apples, KFC Double Down Games are worth 20 apples, and the Cook Out Drive-Thru Lock o’ the Week is worth 50 apples.

Basically if you go 5-8-1 in Cook Out Drive-Thru Locks o’ the Week, things aren’t going to go well.

But like Arian Foster’s season-ending surgery, I’m back. Week 15 NFL Picks. Home teams in CAPS.

Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked Games:

Chargers (+10.5) over BRONCOS
Early games actually feature an average of almost six more points per game than Sunday or Monday games, but who uses numbers these days. Nerds, that’s who! I don’t think a banged up Denver team will put up so many points that San Diego will lose by 11.

COLTS (-5.5) over Texans
Never underestimate the power of Wade Philips.

Bills (-2) over JAGUARS
Is it worth running this segment anymore now that the Jags have the longest winning streak in the AFC? Ehh why not? Here is a running list of things better than the Jaguars:
1. Bears fans’ evasiveness
2. Canadian football players’ ability to factor in wind
3. Game of Thrones spinoff songs
4. Francisco Liriano’s case for the NL to not use DHs
5. Tyler Zeller’s ability to remember which basket is his
6. Johnny Manziel’s ability to not have fun on Halloween
7. Johnny Manziel’s reception at the University of Texas
8. Johnny Manziel’s choice in jerseys
9. Johnny Manziel’s ability to not profit off his name
10. Johnny Manziel’s ability to show any sort of respect the institution that is the NCAA, dammit!

Jets (+11) over PANTHERS
The Panthers actually only average 21 points per game and have looked pretty stagnant on offense. The Jets also have probably the best front 7 after the Panthers, so Cam Newton will have to have an especially great day to cover this spread. Then again, it is the Jets…

Packers (+7) over COWBOYS
The Cowboys defense is so bad that it made Amare Stoudemire laugh. Sorry for mixing up sports.

Dunkin’ Donuts Plain Cake Games:

Redskins (+6.5) over FALCONS
Say what you want about Mike Shanahan’s controversial decision to (finally) shut down RG3 for Kirk Cousins, but there’s no way I’m giving up nearly a field goal to pick the Falcons.

Ravens (+6) over LIONS
It was pretty ridiculous to ask the Lions and Eagles to play in that crazy snow last week when they couldn’t even get off a PAT. There’s a reason baseball calls off game for rain and snow. But still, I really enjoyed Matt Stafford’s face in the game.

Sure, Josh Gordon leads the NFL in receiving yards despite missing two games, but he smoked weed, so he’s a bad person.

Eagles (-4.5) VIKINGS
Watching the Eagles’ offense take flight makes me sad that the Panthers didn’t jump on him this off-season. Thank God they fired Ron Rivera for that Riverboat Ron guy…

Bears (PK) over BROWNS
Josh McCown has been surprisingly solid so far, but I feel so bad for the team that gives him $20 million this summer.

Seahawks (-7) over GIANTS
Sure, the Seahawks are only 5-2 on the road with an average point margin of 5.7 points, but they’re playing the Giants. Also, this has nothing to do with Turnt Up Tina bailing on doing the picks this week.

KFC Double Down Games:

Cardinals (-2.5) over TITANS
I’m fully on the Begrudgingly Pick The Cardinals Because They Keep Screwing Me Over When I Don’t Pick Them bandwagon. Also, the Titans inspire less confidence than DeAndre Jordan in a free throw contest. Again, sorry for mixing up sports.

Niners (-5.5) over BUCCANEERS
Before you get excited about the Bucs turning things around, their four wins came against teams with a 21-31 record. And their quarterback is still Mike Glennon. Who lost to Vanderbilt in the Music City Bowl last year.

Bengals (-2.5) over STEELERS
This might be the first Ain’t Nobody Got Time For That Game of the Week all year featuring a team that may get a bye.

Patriots (-2.5) over DOLPHINS
Without Vince Wilfork and Rob Gronkowski, the Pats stand about no chance to win the Super Bowl this year. With Ryan Tannehill and Lamar Miller, the Dolphins stand about no chance to win this game.

Saints (-5.5) over RAMS
I’m starting to get nervous about how easy these 2.5-5.5 point favorites in my KFC Double Down games seem…

Cook Out Drive-Thru Lock o’ the Week:

Chiefs (-4.5) over RAIDERS
After personally picking the Raiders two times in a row and losing, I’m starting to question the greatness of Matt McGloin.

Overall record: 101-100-7

Last week: 9-7

Apple Total: -315

Apple Total Last Week: -35

For the second week this year, huge Giants fan and noted ridiculous person Cristina Dafonte made my weekly picks and did better than I’ve done all year. Last week she went 10-5-1 and made me 75 apples, pulling me one win away from reaching the .500 mark for the first time all year.

Well this explains a lot.

But I’m taking back the reins this week to prove that I know at least something about football. I swear.

Also, don’t forget to check out my latest article for the Vanderbilt Hustler, by far my favorite one of the year so far. I tell the story of Jahmel McIntosh, Jimmy Stewart, and Steven Clarke’s journey from humble beginnings to Vanderbilt, and how much the scholarship means to them.

(As a side note, the Packers-Falcons game isn’t on this week because there is no line for the game as of Wednesday because of Aaron Rodgers’ injury status.)

Week 14 NFL Picks. Home teams in CAPS.

Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked Games:

Vikings (+7) over RAVENS
What Adrian Peterson has done in less than seven seasons–rush for 10,000 yards–is nothing short of amazing. It’s just too bad he’s had his talent wasted, playing next to quarterbacks like Matt Cassel. At this point, isn’t Kevin Love the best quarterback option in Minnesota?

Browns (+11.5) over PATRIOTS
Sure, the Browns might be starting a quarterback who is most famous for his trick shot video, but they have Josh Gordon! Dude’s amazing! 498 receiving yards in the past two games–151 more than the top Jets receiver all year, Jeremy Kerley. And no, my love for Gordon has nothing to do with him helping lead all four of my fantasy teams to the playoffs the past two weeks.

Dolphins (+3) over STEELERS
I’m still scratching my head why Le’Veon Bell is even questionable for this game. I thought he died last week on the field. The last time I thought a player died on the field was Jahvid Best’s leaping touchdown when he was at Cal, and he missed the rest of the season after his hit.

Bills (+2.5) over BUCCANEERS
Isn’t this just the definition of the Ain’t Nobody Got Time For That Game 0f the Week?

CARDINALS (-6.5) over Rams
I’m just tired of losing my picks against the Cardinals, so I’m finally picking them. I’ve lost my last three times picking against them, including two Cook Out Drive-Thru Lock o’ the Weeks.

Dunkin’ Donuts Plain Cake Games:

Lions (+3) over EAGLES
Detroit is second in passing and third in run defense, while Philly is thirty-second in pass defense and second in rushing. Aren’t the Lions the perfect team to Philly?

Giants (+3) over CHARGERS
I’m not sure about the logic behind this pick, but I feel like Turnt Up Tina would pick the Giants, and she’d probably beat me this week anyway.

BRONCOS (-12) over Titans
Is it ironic that Knowshon Moreno had the scariest trail of tears I’ve ever seen against the Kansas City Chiefs?

BENGALS (-5.5) over Colts
Did you know that since Reggie Wayne went out for the season in Week 7, his QBR fell from 69.4 to 40.4, while his neckbeard just continues to grow? Things are looking worse and worse in Indianapolis.

KFC Double Down Games

Texans (-3) over JAGUARS
Here is a running list of things better than the Jaguars:
1. The Nuggets’ announcer’s ability to not make things sexual
2. DIII special teams and refereeing
3. Jon Gruden’s ability to pass a sexual harrassment test
4. Alabama fans’ ability to tip
5. Alabama fans’ ability to let things go
6. Eli Manning’s ability to stand in the pocket
7. Eli Manning’s ability to show emotions
8. Eli Manning’s ability to text
9. Eli Manning’s ability to celebrate
10. Eli Manning’s ability to get though one whole game without looking like a bumbling idiot

Raiders (+3) over JETS
You know what I don’t get about this line? The Jets have scored three total points in each of their last two weeks, yet are favored to beat the Raiders by three. I’m guessing they’re not shutting out the great Matt McGloin.

Panthers (+3.5) over SAINTS
What an awful Heisman race this year. We have the best statistical player (Jameis Winston) who has all sorts of off-the-field issues, a player with integrity on a great team with no logical reason to win (A.J. McCarron), and a cornucopia of other equally flawed candidates (Johnny Manziel, Jordan Lynch, and Andre Williams). I miss the good ol’ days when we had a clear-cut winner with unbelievable talent and even better model behavior like Cam Newton.

Chiefs (-3.5) over REDSKINS
I can’t wait to see how the fans dress up for this game like I can’t wait to read the comment section of an article about racial profiling.

Seahawks (+2.5) over NINERS
Believe it or not, the 49ers have won their last four matchups with the Seahawks at home. But there’s no way I’m passing up taking the top team in the league plus nearly a field goal with this guy coaching.

Cook Out Drive-Thru Lock o’ the Week:

Cowboys (Pick) over BEARS
For his career, Tony Romo is 26-6 in November (by far the best month of his career) and 13-17 in December (by far the worst month of his career). Since we’re still in November, I’m going with–wait what?

Overall record: 92-93-7

Last week: 10-5-1

Apple Total: -280

Apple Total Last Week: 75