Tonight is the 14th annual ESPYs… a very underrated awards show if I do say so myself. Seth Meyers is back to host the show, and I hope you guys enjoy the show as well as my second-ever running diary.
8:11: Brian Wilson and his beard has already stolen the show. Not only is he rocking his now one-year-old beard and a mo-hawk, he’s also in a “seal skin tuxedo suit” (which more closely resembles a uni-tard) with an orange bow-tie. His built-in gloves are “a little dirty because (he got) a little awkward out on the carpet.” He’s also rocking a cougar cane, or his “plus one.” Brian Wilson is something else.
8:14: When asked if he would have done anything differently when he threw and swung at a Gatorade cooler, Wilson said “I would have asked for a metal bat so I could have launched the cooler a little further.” He needs to host SportsNation with the sliding closer Heath Bell some day.
8:16: He just keeps it coming. Wilson was asked if he would be shaving his beard soon and he said, “I probably should shave it soon because I’m probably scaring all the kids at home.” I home he never shaves.
8:17: Mike Greenberg announced Jimmie Johnson is in the running for Male Athlete of the Year. I have a problem with this. Shouldn’t his car be the one up for the award?
8:20: Our first Cam Newton sighting! Looking dapper if I may say so myself. I love how the sideline reporters are asking if they’re more nervous now or during championship games. Really?
8:24: They’re now interviewing the Wounded Warrior Project, who climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro. I’d love to think I could do that, but I can’t. The view from the top has to be incredible, but after reading Into Thin Air, there’s no way I’ll try that.
8:27: Erin Andrews is interviewing Kevin Love and Blake Griffin talking about….. FASHION! And Brian Wilson, of course. Dapper seems to be a popular word tonight because I’ve heard it at least three times in the last 15 minutes.
8:33: Does anyone who watches ESPN want to see an interview with Justin Bieber? Anyone? Nobody? That is, unless A.J. Burnett is coming from behind to pop him in the face with a shaving cream pie. Not that he needs shaving cream.
8:40: By the way, Justin Bieber had the most fraudulent MVP award ever. Worse that Kobe “6-24” Bryant. He scored 8 points on 30% shooting, including missing the game-winning 3-pointer. Not only that, but Scottie Pippen had a couple massive blocks (including one on Bieber), 17 points, and a victory. I hate 12-year-old girls.
8:43: How can Jon Barry be Dirk Nowitzki in Role Play without using a German accent. This is a disgrace…
8:50: No Miller, the best lemonade is not beer lemonade. It’s lemonade lemonade.
8:52: The US Women’s soccer team is going to win so many awards tonight. Thanks, prisoner of the moment fans. No, Abby Wambach is not an American superstar. You wouldn’t recognize her if you passed her in the street. Plus, can you name the player who shot the game winning goal at Lake Placid? Didn’t think so.
9:05: I wonder if Seth Myers will go for any Tiger Woods jokes. Or maybe they’re just too easy. Or Tiger’s just too sympathetic a character at this point for that.
9:07: How did ESPN show Auburn’s championship run without showing Cam Newton? I guess getting on the ESPYs wasn’t part of his $200k deal.
9:09: A lockout joke to open the show. How appropriate. Follow it up with a Brian Wilson joke? I think so.
9:11: “If you remember, last year’s show came days after LeBron James’ decision to go to the Miami Heat, so to make a joke about that would be too easy. So here I go. LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, and Chris Bosh have nicknamed themselves the Big Three because that’s how many quarters they play.” Seth Myers is the man.
9:17: Super happy to hear that the proceeds tonight go to the Los Angeles Dodgers of America. Seth is just rattling off Dodgers jokes… Mark Cuban is really getting a good laugh out of jokes about his future team.
9:21: Lady Gaga’s Born this Way does not belong with Cam Newton, Jose Bautista, Blake Griffin, and Arian Foster. I really want to punch somebody now. Too bad there aren’t any Heatles in the building.
9:25: Just kidding, I love the Heat. How can you ever blame a guy for leaving Cleveland for South Beach…. to play with his best friends. The only thing that made the whole deal better was how angry owner Dan Gilbert’s 13-year old son got when he wrote a letter in Comic Sans to LeBron. Wait, Dan wrote it?
9:31: Chris Boomer’s hairline is really going back, back, back, back…
9:35: I must be the only person who doesn’t like Tim Lincecum’s hair. It’s just really getting out of control. Maybe its the only thing that separates him from looking like a 15-year old.
9:45: Is it really an upset if no one knows what’s going on? Horses shouldn’t be in biggest upset.
9:51: As crazy as Ron Artest–I mean Metta World Peace–is, I think he needs to be a sideline reporter instead of Heather Cox. How much fun would that be? I know he has much more exciting questions that “So Phil, Dirk scored 26 in the first half, do you plan on slowing him down in the second half?” “Uh, yes?”
9:54: Andre from The League is here as the man from the Canadian Kissing Couple! Except he has hair….. but still as creepy!
9:58: In the Top Male College Athlete, they have a hockey player named Dan Niele. I still don’t know what school he played for. And Jimmer won? What did he do? Put up 28 points against Northwest South Dakota Tech?
10:00: The unintentional comedy of Jimmer Fredette’s girlfriend’s outfit is almost unbearable. A black, loose-fitting t-shirt that’s cut off around her neck.
10:01: Our first sideline reporter! Brian Wilson declares he’s a cyborg and “doesn’t need a computer to log on to vote for the Top Play because (he) can do it with (his) brain. It’s science.” I told you he and Ron Artest need to do television!
10:19: Not to sound racist, but it really messes up your motivational speech when you say “I aksed myself…”
10:26: That ESPN commercial about all the Jeff Gordon fans doesn’t make sense. It says “It’s not crazy. It’s sports.” Yet, they’re talking about NASCAR… am I the only one who’s confused?
10:29: Hey NASCAR announcer, is it really unbelievable that Jimmie Johnson won again? Because he’s been cleaning up for the past 5 years. That’s like Nick Faldo two years ago saying he was shocked that Tiger won a tournament. Or this year Nick Faldo saying Tiger is twelve strokes back. Is that really so surprising?
10:36: All respect lost for Lindsay Vonn. She just asked Justin Bieber for a picture for her Facebook page. What did she even do this year? Not win 90-some-straight games…
10:39: Random, but Charlotte has never had so much starpower. Cam Newton. Kemba Walker. Who knows, maybe this city could be the next Detroit. Wait. Nooooooo!
10:47: Dude I can’t wait to sign up for Dirk Nowitzki’s Awkward Basketball Camp. SNL strikes again!
10:49: Butler over Pitt should not be in the conversation for best game. It was the dumbest game. Pitt out-dumbed Butler. Dumb playcalling. Dumb foul calls. Not a Top Game.
10:52: Wait, why aren’t any Giants going up for the Eagles-Giants Top Game? Shouldn’t the Giants punter be up there?
11:03: You’ve got to wonder whether having one leg was ultimately an advantage for Anthony Robles. He can be so much bigger than his competition since he’s missing 15% of his total body weigh.
11:11: I wish that Eduardo Najera would go away!
11:13: If you haven’t seen this YouTube commentary about Marshawn Lynch’s run, you’re really missing out.
11:15: No America No! I shouldn’t be so surprised that you’re such Prisoners of the Moment, but Abby Wambach’s goal was not the best play of the year. It just wasn’t. Oklahoma State’s combo interception was much better, and Marshawn’s is just out of this world.
11:19: Paul Rudd needs to cut his hair. And I’m not going to watch My Idiot Brother.
11:20: Tweet of the Night: this gem from @dougabeles “Giants pitcher Brian Wilson looks like a polaroid negative of Frederick Douglass.”
11:23: Quick question: how was Nick Barnett hoisting a newspaper that said the Packers were champs during the celebration, just moments after the game?
11:25: People really do hate the Heat; Dallas wins another ESPY. You know, there’s really no need to LeBron. He’s not a sellout. He’s a businessman.
11:27: What did we learn tonight? Seth Meyers is hilarious, Brian Wilson is the man, and people still hate LeBron.
I hope you all had as much fun as I did tonight. Look for a post on how to tweak MLB’s All-Star Weekend in the next few days.