At the end of my picks, figure out how many articles do not involve awful QB play. Here are my lucky Week 13 picks with home teams in CAPS.
Eagles (+2.5) over SEAHAWKS
It’s pretty amazing that a game between two 2011 division winners could be so bad. But I still have a shred of belief that the Eagles can get back to 8-8. Maybe.
Falcons (-2.5) over TEXANS
Is it more unbelievable that T.J. Yates is an NFL starter or that the Texans are considering starting Jake Delhomme and Jeff Garcia?
Titans (+1.5) over BILLS
At this point, I’m not giving up points to take the Bills. Especially if Chris Johnson is averaging 111 yards per game in the last 3 games. Well at least Buffalo has a good run defense? Oh? They’re 21st in run defense? I’ll take Tennessee.
Chiefs (+8.5) over BEARS
Think about some of the starting quarterbacks in the NFL rights now: Tyler Palko, Caleb Hanie, T.J. Yates, Josh Johnson, Dan Orlovsky, Blaine Gabbert, Rex Grossman, Matt Moore, Tarvaris Jackson, Colt McCoy, Carson Palmer, Mark Sanchez, Tim Tebow. Literally a third of the league has a terrible quarterback. And Donovan McNabb is still unemployed…
STEELERS (-7.5) over Bengals
The reason the lines against the Bengals get so high are because of people like me who don’t respect them at all. There’s a good chance the Steelers win by exactly one touchdown (just like the Ravens two weeks ago) and I lose this game by a half point, but there’s no way I can depend on Cedric Benson and the Red Rifle against the Steelers’ D.
Broncos (+1.5) over VIKINGS
At one point do we just favor Tim Tebow in every game he’s not playing the Packers or Patriots? My favorite explanation for Tebow is this: He’s like a guy crossing the interstate. The first time you see him try it, you say “There’s no way this will possibly work. Those cars are going 70 mph!” Then he makes it across. Then the next week you find yourself saying the same thing. But by about the fifth straight time he does it, you say, “Watch this, he’s gonna cross the highway!” And that is Tim Tebow.
No words can aptly describe this picture.
PATRIOTS (-20.5) over Colts
This has to be the highest line ever. At first I was shocked a line would ever get so high in pro football. Then I thought about it again, and if there was one head coach-quarterback combination that wouldn’t for a split-second think about taking their foot off the throat of a previously despised rival, it would be the Patriots. I’m now trying to think of how high this line would have to get before I take the Colts. It’d have to be in the 30s.
Raiders (+2.5) over DOLPHINS
More bad quarterbacks! But more importantly, have you seen the picture of Raiders’ middle linebacker Rolando McClain as he’s being arrested for putting a gun to somebody’s head, then firing it near their head? It’s incredible! I’m not sure if he’s insane or just doesn’t care. It’s a bigger mystery than how long Al Davis has actually been dead.
Jets (-3.5) over REDSKINS
It’s a bad quarterback bonanza! But as bad as Shonn Greene and LT have been, the Redskins have been truly awful without the great Tim Hightower. If only the Jets had just a competent QB, they’d be favored by a touchdown. It’s a shame.
Panthers (+1.5) over BUCCANEERS
Yes, only one team fields a team of eleven real defenders, but Josh Johnson is starting for the Bucs. They might be better with the Marlins’ Josh Johnson.
Ravens (-6.5) over BROWNS
Not that Colt McCoy is a bad quarterbac, but, oh wait, he is a bad quarterback.
Cowboys (-6.5) over CARDINALS
The Cowboys are going to win the NFC East without having a good season. That’s how sad of a season the Eagles are having, how much of a mirage the Redskins were, and how un-unstopable Eli Manning is. Come on Citizen Eco-Drive, you’re not convincing anyone saying Eli Manning has precision and power.
Packers (-6.5) over GIANTS
Yes, you beat the Packers by playing smash-mouth football in the cold, but you’re not beating the Packers with Eli Manning.
NINERS (-13.5) over Rams
It’s dangerous to give up so many points with an NFC West team, but it’s also dangerous to put so much faith in a non-Niner NFC West team.
SAINTS (-6.5) over Lions
With Ndamukong Suh, the Lions are one of the most ferocious teams in the league. But without him, they are the Lions. Plus, you know your team is in trouble when you say, “Wow, we’re really going to miss Kevin Smith this game.”
Chargers (-2.5) over JAGUARS
So Jack Del Rio is the first head coach to be fired. I still don’t know what Norv Turner or even Andy Reid needs to do to be fired. But despite the beyond-terrible play by Philip Rivers and Antonio Gates, they still have a great shot to finish 4-1 and take the division crown.
Last Week: 9-7
Season: 85-90
Lance in my Pants Lock o’ the Week: 8-4
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