Sometimes I start my weekly football picks with something important and football related. Talking about betting trends. Why home field advantage may exist. Poking fun at replacement refs. But this week, I’ve decided on something even better.
Starting this week–the midpoint of the NFL season–I’m unveiling a new weekly feature: the Ain’t Nobody Got Time For That Game of the Week. If you haven’t seen the original video, Sweet Brown and her story of her escape from a burning apartment is truly gold. She’s already been featured on tosh.0 and has a wonderful remix. Also, using ‘ain’t nobody got time for that’ in daily conversation is always a good choice.
The Ain’t Nobody Got Time For That Game of the Week is really just an awful, boring game. It’s a game that–even with heavy fantasy football implications–is just not worth watching. Just the type of game your friends would force you watch if you lost an awful bet.
These games will count the same every week (whatever category of game they are under), but the Ain’t Nobody Got Time For That Game of the Week is really just an excuse to use that wonderful phrase. Without further ado, here are my Week 9 picks; home teams are in CAPS.
Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked Games:
CHARGERS (-7) over Chiefs
As bad as the Chargers looked last week, there’s no way I can put any trust in Matt Cassell, Romeo Crennel, and the Chiefs.
PACKERS (-10) over Cardinals
The Packers burned me last week when they couldn’t cover their double-digit spread against the Jaguars, but the Cardinals have been playing horrendously lately. They’re down to LaRod Stephens-Howling and William Powell at running back and John Skelton at quarterback. I respect Arizona’s defense, but this game could get out of hand.
Panthers (+3) over REDSKINS
Is Cam Newton the RG3 of 2011 or is RG3 the Cam Newton of 2012?
Eagles (+3) over SAINTS
I just can’t give up points and take the Saints. Their defense is too bad.
Dunkin’ Donuts Plain Cake Games:
Ain’t nobody got time for Blaine Gabbert, Cecil Shorts, and Rashad Jennings.
COLTS (+2) over Dolphins
I’m taking the home team, the points, and the better quarterback. Ryan Tannehill may not be the disaster I anticipated as a rookie, but he’s far from Andrew Luck’s league.
Lions (-4.5) over JAGUARS
Ain’t nobody got time for boring games like that.
Buccaneers (+1.5) over RAIDERS
Tampa Bay has the 6th best run defense in the league, and Josh Freeman and Doug Martin are starting to realize their potentials. Their biggest problem this season has been a porous pass defense, which was exacerbated by trading Aqib Talib to New England on Thursday. The good news is they’re going up against Carson Palmer, so that won’t be a problem this week.
Steelers (+3) over GIANTS
If the Steelers ever get healthy running backs, they could become Super Bowl dark horse favorites. A still elite defense, a reinvigorated Ben Roethlisberger, this team is flying way runderated.
Vikings (+4.5) over SEAHAWKS
I don’t think either team is especially great, so I’ll take the points. Adrian Peterson is the best player on the field, which alleviates my concern about Christian Ponder playing in Qwest Field. (Yes, I know the stadium was renamed CenturyLink Field, but it just looks wrong.)
KFC Double Down Games:
Broncos (-4) over BENGALS
I don’t like picking against road dogs, but the Broncos are pretty good, and the Bengals just aren’t.
Ravens (-3.5) over BROWNS
At what point do the Browns consider drafting a backup quarterback for Brandon Weeden? Dude’s already 29.
FALCONS (-3.5) over Cowboys
I know this line has something to do with the large amount of Cowboys fans betting the line in one direction, but the undefeated Falcons should be getting a lot more respect than they are against the 3-4 Cowboys.
TEXANS (-10) over Bills
Bad news for Mario Williams: he left the Texans just as they became one of the two or three strongest teams in the AFC. Good news for Mario Williams: a $100 million contract means he has a lot more money to spend.
Drink Cheerwine Lock o’ the Week:
Bears (-3.5) over TITANS
I just don’t get this line. The Bears looked sluggish against the Panthers last week, but nobody on the Titans is going to be able to stop Matt Forte or Brandon Marshall. Well, only Jay Cutler and the Bears offensive line can.
Overall record: 52-63-2
Last week: 7-7
Apple Total: -20
Apple Total Last Week: 80
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