I took a week off from writing my weekly picks since I was in Gatlinburg, and my picks didn’t go especially well. Irregardless, I’m back guns blazin’ with my Week 8 picks.
As always, home teams are no CAPS, and here are explanations for each of the officially unofficial sponsored sections of picks I have.
Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked Games are worth 5 apples.
Dunkin’ Donuts Plain Cake Games are worth 10 apples.
KFC Double Down Games are worth 20 apples.
Hickory Smoked Pulled Pork Lock o’ the Week is worth 50 apples.
Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked Games:
Chargers (+9) over BRONCOS
COWBOYS (-10) over Injuns
South Park has been absolutely on point this season (and has been especially good about tying all the episodes together), but none have been better than the season premier, Go Fund Yourself, about the Washington football team’s name.
CHIEFS (-7) over Rams
Zac Stacy was only given one snap and zero touches last week, so effectively now, I’m boycotting the Rams.
Texans (-3.5) over TITANS
I’m currently writing these picks from a FOX Sports truck in LP Field, and it’s bizarrely foggy in Nashville. There’s no way I’m betting on Zach Mettenburger if there are anything less than perfect conditions.
BENGALS (+2) over Ravens
Please don’t dress up as something stupid for Halloween.
Dunkin’ Donuts Plain Cake Games:
Lions (-3.5) over Falcons (in London)
Fun fact: the Falcons don’t know where London is. If they don’t show up, would that be a forfeit? In that case shouldn’t I switch my pick to Falcons (+3.5) since there will be no scoring in this non-existent game?
PATRIOTS (-6) over Bears
Never count out Touchdown Tom, unless you’re doing a QB sneak from your own 1-yard line.
Bills (+3) over JETS
Yeah I’m not going to give points and take Geno Smith and the Jets.
Vikings (+2.5) over BUCCANEERS
Yeah I’m not going to give points and take Josh McCown and the Bucs.
Raiders (+6.5) over BROWNS
Yeah I’m not going to give points and take Brian Hoyer and the Browns.
KFC Double Down Games:
Eagles (+1.5) over CARDINALS
The Eagles are coming off a bye week, and the Cardinals already had theirs in Week 4. Who needs a bye after three games??
Dolphins (-6) over JAGUARS
Here is a running list of things better than the Jaguars:
1. Leonard Fournette’s helmet
2. Kentucky’s tackling
3. This guy’s driving skills
4. High school football teams’ welcomeness to freshmen
5. Alexis Normand’s singing
6. Joakim Noah’s free throw stroke
7. Joakim Noah’s manners
8. Joakim Noah’s dancing skills
9. Joakim Noah’s hair
10. Joakim Noah’s ability to not look like a completely stereotypical pothead
Packers (+2) over SAINTS
Which city would you rather spend a weekend in: Green Bay or New Orleans?
Seahawks (-5) over PANTHERS
The Panthers might be really bad, who knows? But I keep picking the Panthers this year, and I figure maybe their fortunes will turn around if I pick against them.
Hickory Smoked Pulled Pork Lock o’ the Week:
Colts (-3.5) over STEELERS
I really don’t have anything to add for this game, so this is your Who Cares Game of the Week. Indianapolis and Pittsburgh just seem like the most boring cities.
Overall Record: 51-50-4
Last Week: 6-8-1 (5-10)
Apple Total: -30
Apple Total Last Week: -5 (-90)