This is my first NFL picks column in three weeks because, well, I’ve been pretty lazy/busy. In the mean time, I’ve been 21-20 and made 110 apples, so I’m finally no longer in debt! I’m really starting to catch the hint that I should stop posting weekly picks if I want to pick well… does that mean I’m overthinking things when I write about each game?
Too late now, I’m writing this intro last.
As always, home teams are in CAPS, and here’s a run through of each section:
Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked Games are worth 5 apples.
Dunkin’ Donuts Plain Cake Games are worth 10 apples.
KFC Double Down Games are worth 20 apples.
Hickory Smoked Pulled Pork Lock o’ the Week is worth 50 apples.
Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked Games:
Titans (+11) over EAGLES
Yes, the Titans are second-to-last in the league in rush defense going up against one of the best rush attacks in the league, but I’m not about to give away double digit points to a team that lost by 33 last week.
COLTS (-14) over Jaguars
Here is a running list of things better than the Jaguars:
1. Florida men’s ability to not act like a Floridian
2. Brandon Knight’s clutch gene
3. Missouri High School principals
4. Cam Newton’s actually tweeting compared to his hacked tweeting
5. These Ice Bucket Challenges
6. Lance Stephenson’s ability to avoid cameras
7. Lance Stephenson’s rapping ability
8. Lance Stephenson’s ability not show off after a game-winner
9. Lance Stephenson’s accuracy slapping other people
10. Lance Stephenson’s accuracy slapping other people (on second thought this is pretty on point)
Rams (+4.5) over CHARGERS
After starting 5-1, it seems the Chargers have remembered their skill position players are Donald Brown, Branden Oliver, Malcom Floyd, Eddie Royal, and Keenan Allen.
NINERS (-9) over Injuns
With all this hubbub about benching RG3 for Kirk Cousins, Cousins turning out to be so bad he needed to be benched for Colt McCoy, and RG3 coming back and playing badly off the injury, you know Dan Snyder is going to draft Marcus Mariota or Jameis Winston.
SAINTS (-3.5) over Ravens
Obviously this isn’t the same Saints team as old, but I just can’t see them losing three straight home games, especially in prime time. Hope that fifth round pick they got for Darren Sproles was worth it.
Dunkin’ Donuts Plain Cake Games:
Browns (+3) over FALCONS
What a weird world we live in that the Browns are good and the Falcons are bad.
Jets (+3.5) over BILLS
This game isn’t going to be played in Buffalo because there’s too much snow and probably just shouldn’t be played at all to save us from three hours of awful football. Without a doubt the Ain’t Nobody Got Time For That Game of the Week.
Cardinals (+6.5) over SEAHAWKS
Serious question: Kurt Warner couldn’t be that much worse than Drew Stanton at this point, right?
BRONCOS (-7) over Dolphins
The great thing about picking Peyton Manning minus a big spread is that even if they lose, like last week against 9.5-point underdog Rams by 15, I’ll still be happy no matter what.
KFC Double Down Games:
Chiefs (-7) over RAIDERS
It’s honest-to-God sad to watch the Raiders. That’s all.
BEARS (-6) over Buccaneers
So this Marc Trestman experiment isn’t going very well. After starting 3-0 last year, the second-year head coach is now 9-14 and has adopted a baby to save his relationship with the team.
Packers (-9.5) over VIKINGS
After looking at the way Minnesota plays without Adrian Peterson, do you think he deserves the title Most Valuable Player?
Bengals (+1.5) over TEXANS
The Texans are 5-5 with wins against Washington, Oakland, Buffalo, Tennessee, and Cleveland. Color me completely unimpressed.
Cowboys (-3.5) over GIANTS
I think I’m picking against the Giants every week @turntuptina doesn’t make picks for me just to spite her.
Hickory Smoked Pulled Pork Lock o’ the Week:
PATRIOTS (-7) over Lions
A vote for the Patriots is a vote for America.
Overall Record: 79-77-4
Last Week: 7-7
Apple Total: 5
Apple Total Last Week: 0