I’m in debt like a recently retired athlete. Week 4 NFL Picks. Home teams in CAPS.
Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked Games:
RAIDERS (+3) over Redskins
You know what’s crazy? Terrelle Pryor looked remarkably competent last week. Put him up against the 31st ranked pass, run, and scoring defense, and he might keep it close enough to cover this spread.
Jets (+4) over TITANS
We often forget to include Jake Locker in the “athletic quarterback” group. I lump him in there because he definitely should not fall under the “good passing quarterback” heading.
SAINTS (-6.5) over Dolphins
No, this pick has nothing to do with the Dolphins ruining my Cook Out Drive-Thru Lock o’ the Week last week.
Eagles (+10.5) over BRONCOS
We’ve got the top-ranked rushing team up against the top-ranked rush defense. Chip Kelly’s high-paced offense will likely give Peyton Manning the ball for at least 60 percent of the game, which will make it tough to win, but Denver’s weak secondary should keep the Eagles within 11 points. I mean the Raiders only lost by 16. The Raiders!
Dunkin’ Donuts Plain Cake Games:
VIKINGS (+2) over Steelers
It sure is a good thing we sent our Ain’t Nobody Got Time For That Game of the Week overseas.
Bengals (-4.5) over BROWNS
Forget Brian Hoyer passing for 321 yards, he needed 54 attempts to do it, and it was on a 55.6% completion rate with three touchdowns. The Browns are in perfect position to tank, even if they beat the 0-3 Vikings.
Cowboys (-2) over CHARGERS
Hasn’t everyone been burned at least once by having Philip Rivers or Tony Romo as a fantasy quarterback?
Any guesses who these guys are? It’s Brady and his top two receivers. Yep, he’s got a worse receiving core than his ’03 team of Deion Branch and David Givens.
Cardinals (+2.5) over BUCCANEERS
I’ve seen Mike Glennon play once, and he looked absolutely terrible against Vanderbilt in the Music City Bowl. Small sample sizes for the win!
Patriots (+2) over FALCONS
Look, I’m not one to pass up an opportunity to take the Patriots (in primetime) and get points.
KFC Double Down Games:
Niners (-3) over RAMS
Did you know that last week was the first time a Jim Harbaugh Niners team lost two games in a row? Something tells me Sam Bradford, Isaiah Pead, and Chris Givens won’t be making that three in a row.
Ravens (-3.5) over BILLS
It’s very hard to recover from losing to the Jets. The last three teams to do so lost again the next week. Also, c’mon it’s the Bills.
Bears (+3) over LIONS
Three weeks ago, I’m guessing most of you thought that Joique Bell was either a) a French artist b) an R&B singer or c) someone from the new Key & Peele East/West Bowl. Well now he’s the Lions’ leading rusher.
CHIEFS (-4) over Giants
And I thought the Panthers were in trouble last week. The Giants’ offensive line was like an accident you just can’t seem to take your eyes off, and Eli Manning was the brutal victim.
Seahawks (-3) over TEXANS
The Texans topped the 7-point mark in the first half for the first time this season, but then they forgot to score in the second half against the Ravens. Good luck against Seattle’s defense.
Cook Out Drive-Thru Lock o’ the Week:
Colts (-8.5) over JAGUARS
Here is a running list of things better than the Jaguars:
1. Rashad Johnson’s ability to flick someone off
2. Mark Richt’s ability to not be creepy and gross
3. Movies about European Gigolos
4. White girls twerking on a door
5. Miami Marlins hitters
6. Philip Rivers’ ability to throw the football forward
7. Philip Rivers’ ability to handle a snap
8. Philip Rivers’ ability to smile
9. Philip Rivers’ ability to frown
10. Philip Rivers’ ability to remember that he’s playing American football, not European football
Overall record: 21-25-2
Last week: 7-8-1
Apple Total: -145
Apple Total Last Week: -45
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