I’m back like an Atlanta first-round playoff exit. Week 5 NFL Picks. Home teams in CAPS.
Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked Games:
SEAHAWKS (-13.5) over Titans
I was looking really hard for a reason to pick the Titans +13.5, but they’re just not very good.
Saints (+2.5) over PATRIOTS
I tried looking up how often I pick against the Patriots, but my search and tag features on this website are too annoying, and I don’t feel like taking an hour to figure it out. But I’m pretty sure I’ve picked against the Pats about three times in the past year. So taking the Saints here is big.
Rams (+7.5) over TEXANS
Your Ain’t Nobody Got Time For That Game of the Week!
BILLS (+7.5) over Bengals
Fun fact: the Bills haven’t lost a game by more than 7 points, and the Bengals average winning margin is 7 points. Hooray for the half point!
NINERS (-11) over Cardinals
Half the games this week have a line higher than a touchdown, and I hate it.
Dunkin’ Donuts Plain Cake Games:
Eagles (-1) over BUCCANEERS
I’d just like to note that the Bucs signed Jordan Rodgers to their practice squad. Mike Glennon is their starting quarterback. Rodgers beat Glennon in the Music City Bowl last year. Go Dores.
Panthers (+2.5) over VIKINGS
The Panthers are a talented team that is poorly coached. The Vikings are an untalented team (save for AD, who apparently doesn’t like being called Purple Jesus) that is poorly coached.
Raiders (+8.5) over CHIEFS
After picking the Raiders two weeks in a row and losing, I picked against the Raiders and lost the game. #NeverForget
BROWNS (+2.5) over Lions
Does the Ewing Theory count if the player who was traded is just bad?
JETS (-2.5) over Steelers
Geno Smith is now destined for failure now, but that’s better than the Steelers, who are just currently a failure.
KFC Double Down Games
BEARS (-7.5) over Giants
At this point, there’s just no reason to pick the Giants unless the line is above 10 points. It’s almost as if Eli Manning is personally gunning for the number one pick. He’s literally on pace to set the NFL record for turnovers and only has 9 more seasons before he breaks Brett Favre’s all-time interception record!
Packers (-3) over RAVENS
Fun fact: the Packers are 5th in the NFL in rushing despite having three equally mediocre backs. Also fun fact: Aaron Rodgers is slightly better than Joe Flacco.
BRONCOS (-27.5) over Jaguars
Here is a running list of things better than the Jaguars:
1. This dude’s ability to name Pokemon
2. Craig Sager’s acid trip
3. E.J. Manuel’s And-1 football skills
4. Geno Smith’s And-1 football skills
5. The effect of rain on drunkards
6. Matt Schaub’s ability to hear
7. Matt Schaub’s jersey’s flamability
8. Matt Schaub’s fan appreciation
9. Matt Schaub’s ability to analyze plays
10. Matt Schaub’s ability to not be so bad that he gets honored with a food named after him with a negative name
COWBOYS (-5.5) over Redskins
I like The Onion.
Cook Out Drive-Thru Lock o’ the Week:
Colts (-1.5) over CHARGERS
Turns out the Colts are pretty good. They beat the Seahawks, Niners, and even the Jaguars (!!!!!). Also, the Chargers are 0-3 against non-NFC East teams.
Overall record: 34-40-3
Last week: 6-8
Apple Total: -170
Apple Total Last Week: -75