Somehow I’m 2-4 with my Cook Out Drive-Thru Locks o’ the Week. I’d have 135 apples if I just actually got those games right. This will not do for Josiah Wedgwood.
Week 7 NFL Picks. Home teams in CAPS.
Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked Games:
Texans (+6.5) over CHIEFS
The teams Kansas City has played have a combined 9-25 record, and the Chiefs are 26th in the NFL in passing and 23rd in run defense. They’re clearly not 6-0 good.
Bills (+8) over DOLPHINS
I’m 1-0 picking for teams with a Duke quarterback, so let’s keep this train a-rollin’.
FALCONS (-7) over Buccaneers
It’s a good thing Greg Schiano dumped Josh Freeman for Mike Glennon because now Tampa’s only 32nd in the league in passing.
PANTHERS (-6.5) over Rams
The Panthers are 6th in the NFL in point differential, and the five better teams have four combined losses. Get ready for some progression to the mean. You know, unless Ron Rivera keeps coaching the way he coaches.
PACKERS (-10) over Browns
Your weekly reminder that Brandon Weeden, who celebrated his 30th birthday on Monday, is 50 days older than Aaron Rodgers.
Dunkin’ Donuts Plain Cake Games:
Bengals (+3) over LIONS
Two boring Midwestern teams? Ladies and gentlemen, your Ain’t Nobody Got Time For That Game of the Week.
Cowboys (+2.5) over EAGLES
Look, the NFC East is just really bad; they’re 3-15 in interdivision play. At this point, unless the Giants are playing, I’m probably just going to take the points and call it a day.
Vikings (+3) over GIANTS
I think picking up Peyton Hillis is considered rock bottom.
Ravens (+2) over STEELERS
This game makes really sad. Remember when this game meant deadly hits and a fierce rivalry? Remember when Ben Roethlisberger and Joe Flacco were half-way decent quarterbacks? Remember when Ray Rice was good and Pittsburgh had a running back?
Broncos (-6.5) over COLTS
I’m confused who the Colts are. Are they the team that beat Seattle and San Francisco by 26 or the team that lost to San Diego and Miami by 14? Well I know who the Broncos are, and with Von Miller back, they’re really good.
KFC Double Down Games
Chargers (-7.5) over JAGUARS
Here is a running list of things better than the Jaguars:
1. Mike Green’s checking ability
2. A two-man team of MJD and Justin Blackmon
3. Songs about Chinese Food
4. The Marlins’ innovative baserunning strategy
5. The Astros’ innovative baserunning strategy
6. JaVale McGee’s ability to hurdle opposing players
7. JaVale McGee’s three-point shooting
8. JaVale McGee’s ability to run a fast break
9. JaVale McGee’s final play as a Wizard
10. JaVale McGee’s ability to tell whether he should be on offense or defense
Patriots (-4) over JETS
I’m just going to take this time to point out how awesome Sunday night was. Tom Brady 18-yard touchdown pass with 5 seconds left. David Ortiz game-tying grand slam in the eighth inning. Yankees still owing $250 million to Alex Rodriguez, Mark Teixeira, and CC Sabathia. Boy it’s good to be from Boston.
Seahawks (-6.5) over CARDINALS
Fun fact: Tyrann Mathieu is second on the Cards in tackles (40), tied for second in interceptions (1), first in forced fumbles (1), and tied for first in tackles for a loss (4). Fun fact: Carson Palmer is still the Cardinals’ quarterback.
Niners (-4) over TITANS
There’s a good chance I’ll be working the FOX broadcast for this game, so watch out for terrible technical difficulties.
Cook Out Drive-Thru Lock o’ the Week:
Bears (+1) over REDSKINS
I’m sure I’ll get this game wrong too, but what am I missing here? Washington isn’t that good, Chicago isn’t bad at all, and Chicago is getting points. The Bears have a less polarizing name, so people are less likely to bet on them? Nobody outside of Vanderbilt likes Jay Cutler? Washington lawmakers have nothing better to do that bet on the home team since they don’t have work?
Overall record: 40-49-3
Last week: 6-9
Apple Total: -265
Apple Total Last Week: -95