Last week I improved, picking eight of the fourteen games correctly. But because I missed the Cook Out Drive-Thru Lock o’ the Week for the seventh time this year (the Texans lost by a half point! A half point!!!), I lost 35 apples on the week.
So instead, huge Giants fan and noted ridiculous person Cristina Dafonte will be making my picks this week. All the analysis is hers. Enjoy.
Week 11 NFL Picks. Home teams in CAPS.
Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked Games:
Vikings (+12.5) over SEAHAWKS
Seattle’s going to win this game because have you ever been to a home game in Seattle? It’s miserable and they’re terrible humans. The fans are so loud and annoying and awful. Ooh that’s a lot of points, but still the Vikings suck. I think they’re going to win but not by 12.5 points
Raiders (+7) over TEXANS
Texas is going to win by 3 because the Raiders lost to the Giants by 4, and how embarrasing is that?
DOLPHINS (+1.5) over Chargers
You can decide a reason for that one. Am I supposed to know any players on these teams? Oh it’s in Miami. That’s why.
Redskins (+3.5) over EAGLES
Oh Redskins because fuck the Eagles! I hate the Eagles, but not as much as I hate the Cowboys.
Dunkin’ Donuts Plain Cake Games:
BUCCANEERS (+1.5) over Falcons
I’m going with the Bucs because you have to pick an upset every once in a while.
BEARS (-3) over Ravens
Because Bears are stronger than Ravens. I don’t have anything else to say about this game. I don’t care who wins TBH.
BENGALS (-6) over Browns
Sure six sounds like a good number. The Bengals are 6-4 and the Browns are 4-5.
Cardinals (-12) over JAGUARS
Here is a running list of things better than the Jaguars:
1. Food that squirms while you eat it
2. This little girls’ situational awareness
3. British flag wavers’ spelling at NFL games
4. Kids’ reactions when you take their Halloween candy
5. The quality of substitute teachers in Pennsylvania
6. Cristina Dafonte’s ability to wear a tie
7. Cristina Dafonte’s ability to climb a tree
8. Cristina Dafonte’s ability to drink normally
9. Cristina Dafonte’s choice in food
10. Cristina Dafonte’s ability to just be a normal, functioning person for one night
PANTHERS (-2.5) over Patriots
Tom Brady may be the best-looking quarterback in the NFL with the hottest wife, but you can’t have it all.
KFC Double Down Games
Colts (-3) over TITANS
Oh yeah, I’m picking the Colts because because the Titans lost to the Jaguars, the only team worse than the Giants.
Jets (+1) over BILLS
Jets! J-E-T-S Jets Jets Jets! I’m actually a fallback Jets fan.
Lions (-2) over STEELERS
I don’t really know who either of these teams are. Except the Steelers. Because they wore those really awful uniforms one time.
Niners (+3) over SAINTS
Who’s the quarterback for New Orleans? Isn’t he someone I should know? (Drew Brees) Yeah he’s really good. Is the quarterback for the 49ers someone I should know? (Colin Kaepernick) Oh yeah I know his name. Who’s the team that has Andrew Luck? (Colts) 49ers.
Chiefs (+8) over BRONCOS
Kansas City is undefeated. But still, Peyton Manning. It’s just I don’t know it’s hard to pick against the team that’s undefeated, but it’s also hard to root against Peyton Manning. I’m going to go with Kansas City. But I hope Peyton doesn’t get mad at me.
Cook Out Drive-Thru Lock o’ the Week:
GIANTS (-5) over Packers
We believe in Eli Manning.
Overall record: 69-75-3
Last week: 8-6
Apple Total: -345
Apple Total Last Week: -35