For the second week this year, huge Giants fan and noted ridiculous person Cristina Dafonte made my weekly picks and did better than I’ve done all year. Last week she went 10-5-1 and made me 75 apples, pulling me one win away from reaching the .500 mark for the first time all year.
But I’m taking back the reins this week to prove that I know at least something about football. I swear.
Also, don’t forget to check out my latest article for the Vanderbilt Hustler, by far my favorite one of the year so far. I tell the story of Jahmel McIntosh, Jimmy Stewart, and Steven Clarke’s journey from humble beginnings to Vanderbilt, and how much the scholarship means to them.
(As a side note, the Packers-Falcons game isn’t on this week because there is no line for the game as of Wednesday because of Aaron Rodgers’ injury status.)
Week 14 NFL Picks. Home teams in CAPS.
Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked Games:
Vikings (+7) over RAVENS
What Adrian Peterson has done in less than seven seasons–rush for 10,000 yards–is nothing short of amazing. It’s just too bad he’s had his talent wasted, playing next to quarterbacks like Matt Cassel. At this point, isn’t Kevin Love the best quarterback option in Minnesota?
Browns (+11.5) over PATRIOTS
Sure, the Browns might be starting a quarterback who is most famous for his trick shot video, but they have Josh Gordon! Dude’s amazing! 498 receiving yards in the past two games–151 more than the top Jets receiver all year, Jeremy Kerley. And no, my love for Gordon has nothing to do with him helping lead all four of my fantasy teams to the playoffs the past two weeks.
Dolphins (+3) over STEELERS
I’m still scratching my head why Le’Veon Bell is even questionable for this game. I thought he died last week on the field. The last time I thought a player died on the field was Jahvid Best’s leaping touchdown when he was at Cal, and he missed the rest of the season after his hit.
Bills (+2.5) over BUCCANEERS
Isn’t this just the definition of the Ain’t Nobody Got Time For That Game 0f the Week?
CARDINALS (-6.5) over Rams
I’m just tired of losing my picks against the Cardinals, so I’m finally picking them. I’ve lost my last three times picking against them, including two Cook Out Drive-Thru Lock o’ the Weeks.
Dunkin’ Donuts Plain Cake Games:
Lions (+3) over EAGLES
Detroit is second in passing and third in run defense, while Philly is thirty-second in pass defense and second in rushing. Aren’t the Lions the perfect team to Philly?
Giants (+3) over CHARGERS
I’m not sure about the logic behind this pick, but I feel like Turnt Up Tina would pick the Giants, and she’d probably beat me this week anyway.
BRONCOS (-12) over Titans
Is it ironic that Knowshon Moreno had the scariest trail of tears I’ve ever seen against the Kansas City Chiefs?
BENGALS (-5.5) over Colts
Did you know that since Reggie Wayne went out for the season in Week 7, his QBR fell from 69.4 to 40.4, while his neckbeard just continues to grow? Things are looking worse and worse in Indianapolis.
KFC Double Down Games
Texans (-3) over JAGUARS
Here is a running list of things better than the Jaguars:
1. The Nuggets’ announcer’s ability to not make things sexual
2. DIII special teams and refereeing
3. Jon Gruden’s ability to pass a sexual harrassment test
4. Alabama fans’ ability to tip
5. Alabama fans’ ability to let things go
6. Eli Manning’s ability to stand in the pocket
7. Eli Manning’s ability to show emotions
8. Eli Manning’s ability to text
9. Eli Manning’s ability to celebrate
10. Eli Manning’s ability to get though one whole game without looking like a bumbling idiot
Raiders (+3) over JETS
You know what I don’t get about this line? The Jets have scored three total points in each of their last two weeks, yet are favored to beat the Raiders by three. I’m guessing they’re not shutting out the great Matt McGloin.
Panthers (+3.5) over SAINTS
What an awful Heisman race this year. We have the best statistical player (Jameis Winston) who has all sorts of off-the-field issues, a player with integrity on a great team with no logical reason to win (A.J. McCarron), and a cornucopia of other equally flawed candidates (Johnny Manziel, Jordan Lynch, and Andre Williams). I miss the good ol’ days when we had a clear-cut winner with unbelievable talent and even better model behavior like Cam Newton.
Chiefs (-3.5) over REDSKINS
I can’t wait to see how the fans dress up for this game like I can’t wait to read the comment section of an article about racial profiling.
Seahawks (+2.5) over NINERS
Believe it or not, the 49ers have won their last four matchups with the Seahawks at home. But there’s no way I’m passing up taking the top team in the league plus nearly a field goal with this guy coaching.
Cook Out Drive-Thru Lock o’ the Week:
Cowboys (Pick) over BEARS
For his career, Tony Romo is 26-6 in November (by far the best month of his career) and 13-17 in December (by far the worst month of his career). Since we’re still in November, I’m going with–wait what?
Overall record: 92-93-7
Last week: 10-5-1
Apple Total: -280
Apple Total Last Week: 75