For the first time all year, I broke the .500 mark picking games after going 9-7. As a comparison, Bill Simmons, who originally inspired me to go into sports writing, is 90-112-6 on the season. Small Miracles.
However, I’m still 315 apples in debt since I’m fully incapable of picking my Cook Out Drive-Thru Lock o’ the Week. Basically I don’t know what I’m good at. At the very least, I’m getting most of my picks correctly, which bodes well for the future.
In case you forgot, never knew, or don’t read my intros (which doesn’t help in this case), each of my four unofficially officially sponsored sections of picks are weighted by different amounts of apples. Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked Games are worth 5 apples, Dunkin’ Donuts Plain Cake Games are worth 10 apples, KFC Double Down Games are worth 20 apples, and the Cook Out Drive-Thru Lock o’ the Week is worth 50 apples.
Basically if you go 5-8-1 in Cook Out Drive-Thru Locks o’ the Week, things aren’t going to go well.
But like Arian Foster’s season-ending surgery, I’m back. Week 15 NFL Picks. Home teams in CAPS.
Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked Games:
Chargers (+10.5) over BRONCOS
Early games actually feature an average of almost six more points per game than Sunday or Monday games, but who uses numbers these days. Nerds, that’s who! I don’t think a banged up Denver team will put up so many points that San Diego will lose by 11.
COLTS (-5.5) over Texans
Never underestimate the power of Wade Philips.
Bills (-2) over JAGUARS
Is it worth running this segment anymore now that the Jags have the longest winning streak in the AFC? Ehh why not? Here is a running list of things better than the Jaguars:
1. Bears fans’ evasiveness
2. Canadian football players’ ability to factor in wind
3. Game of Thrones spinoff songs
4. Francisco Liriano’s case for the NL to not use DHs
5. Tyler Zeller’s ability to remember which basket is his
6. Johnny Manziel’s ability to not have fun on Halloween
7. Johnny Manziel’s reception at the University of Texas
8. Johnny Manziel’s choice in jerseys
9. Johnny Manziel’s ability to not profit off his name
10. Johnny Manziel’s ability to show any sort of respect the institution that is the NCAA, dammit!
Jets (+11) over PANTHERS
The Panthers actually only average 21 points per game and have looked pretty stagnant on offense. The Jets also have probably the best front 7 after the Panthers, so Cam Newton will have to have an especially great day to cover this spread. Then again, it is the Jets…
Packers (+7) over COWBOYS
The Cowboys defense is so bad that it made Amare Stoudemire laugh. Sorry for mixing up sports.
Dunkin’ Donuts Plain Cake Games:
Redskins (+6.5) over FALCONS
Say what you want about Mike Shanahan’s controversial decision to (finally) shut down RG3 for Kirk Cousins, but there’s no way I’m giving up nearly a field goal to pick the Falcons.
Ravens (+6) over LIONS
It was pretty ridiculous to ask the Lions and Eagles to play in that crazy snow last week when they couldn’t even get off a PAT. There’s a reason baseball calls off game for rain and snow. But still, I really enjoyed Matt Stafford’s face in the game.
Sure, Josh Gordon leads the NFL in receiving yards despite missing two games, but he smoked weed, so he’s a bad person.
Eagles (-4.5) VIKINGS
Watching the Eagles’ offense take flight makes me sad that the Panthers didn’t jump on him this off-season. Thank God they fired Ron Rivera for that Riverboat Ron guy…
Bears (PK) over BROWNS
Josh McCown has been surprisingly solid so far, but I feel so bad for the team that gives him $20 million this summer.
Seahawks (-7) over GIANTS
Sure, the Seahawks are only 5-2 on the road with an average point margin of 5.7 points, but they’re playing the Giants. Also, this has nothing to do with Turnt Up Tina bailing on doing the picks this week.
KFC Double Down Games:
Cardinals (-2.5) over TITANS
I’m fully on the Begrudgingly Pick The Cardinals Because They Keep Screwing Me Over When I Don’t Pick Them bandwagon. Also, the Titans inspire less confidence than DeAndre Jordan in a free throw contest. Again, sorry for mixing up sports.
Niners (-5.5) over BUCCANEERS
Before you get excited about the Bucs turning things around, their four wins came against teams with a 21-31 record. And their quarterback is still Mike Glennon. Who lost to Vanderbilt in the Music City Bowl last year.
Bengals (-2.5) over STEELERS
This might be the first Ain’t Nobody Got Time For That Game of the Week all year featuring a team that may get a bye.
Patriots (-2.5) over DOLPHINS
Without Vince Wilfork and Rob Gronkowski, the Pats stand about no chance to win the Super Bowl this year. With Ryan Tannehill and Lamar Miller, the Dolphins stand about no chance to win this game.
Saints (-5.5) over RAMS
I’m starting to get nervous about how easy these 2.5-5.5 point favorites in my KFC Double Down games seem…
Cook Out Drive-Thru Lock o’ the Week:
Chiefs (-4.5) over RAIDERS
After personally picking the Raiders two times in a row and losing, I’m starting to question the greatness of Matt McGloin.
Overall record: 101-100-7
Last week: 9-7
Apple Total: -315
Apple Total Last Week: -35
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