There are many things to be thankful for around this time of the year. Football. Food. Family. All the other F’s of this holiday season.
But the thing I’m most thankful for this week is huge Giants fan and noted ridiculous person Cristina Dafonte and her football picks. Because I am apparently incapable of picking football games correctly.
Because I lost apples last week–largely thanks to my Cook Out Drive-Thru Lock o’ the Week Panthers exactly covering their spread–Turnt Up Tina will be taking over my picks for the second time in three weeks. This is going to happen every week after I fall in the red for the rest of the season, if not the foreseeable future.
Week 13 NFL Picks. Home teams in CAPS.
Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked Games:
Raiders (+9.5) over COWBOYS
I promised Kayla I’d pick the Raiders. That’s it that’s all that matters.
Broncos (-5) over CHIEFS
I know I can’t believe that that they’re favored over Kansas City. But I think that I’m going to have to pick the Broncos because a) we believe in Peyton Manning, and b) he deserves a win after that game against the Patriots last week.
VIKINGS (-1) over Bears
I don’t really know. I don’t really care about this particular game. Then I’ll pick the Vikings to win by more than a point. Well it’d be hard for them to win by just one point, so yeah I’ll pick them.
Dolphins (+2) over JETS
So last time I picked the Jets, and my dad read the picks, and his only advice to me was to never pick the Jets. So I’ll pick the Dolphins.
TEXANS (+7.5) over Patriots
I’m going to go with Houston. I don’t have it in me to root for Tom Brady ever.
Dunkin’ Donuts Plain Cake Games:
LIONS (-6) over Packers
Isn’t Aaron Rodgers not playing for the Packers? Isn’t he hurt? According to Google, he is hurt. I’m gonna go with Detroit.
BROWNS (-7) over Jaguars
Here is a running list of things better than the Jaguars:
1. Proposing to a girl in an airport
2. Shoppers’ survival rate on Black Friday
3. Americans’ geographic knowledge of America
4. Miley Cyrus’ new eyebrows
5. Miley Cyrus in negative
6. Cristina Dafonte’s ability to wrap a present
7. Cristina Dafonte’s ability to hide her drink
8. Cristina Dafonte’s ability to wink
9. Cristina Dafonte’s taste in wizards
10. Cristina Dafonte’s ability to just be a normal, functioning person for one night
BILLS (-3) over Falcons
Well then I’m definitely picking the Bills because they’re definitely the only people in this country who know how to play in weather as cold as it is in Buffalo. (It’s being played indoors in Toronto.) It still doesn’t matter; its freezing there.
Cardinals (+3) over EAGLES
No I’ll pick the Cardinals. I’ll never pick the Eagles ever because I hate the Eagles. They are the worst team ever. Not worse than the Cowboys, though, second worst.
CHARGERS (-1) over Bengals
Like really who cares about San Diego and Cincinnati football teams? Who’s favored to win? San Diego? Sure.
KFC Double Down Games
Titans (+4.5) over COLTS
I’m going to pick the Titans because the last time I picked against the Titans, it felt sacrilegious. I live in Tennessee.
Steelers (+3) over RAVENS
Pittsburgh Steelers, right? Pittsburgh’s the Steelers? Yes they are. I don’t know why, but I’m going for it.
PANTHERS (-8) over Buccaneers
Because you like the Panthers, and it’ll make you happy if they win.
NINERS (-8.5) over Rams
Because they kicked the shit out of the Redskins last Monday, which I realize isn’t that hard to do.
Saints (+5) over SEAHAWKS
Good lord okay. I just googled the Seahawks’ quarterback because I didn’t know who he was. So I’m going to go with the Saints because I know who Drew Brees is.
Cook Out Drive-Thru Lock o’ the Week:
Giants (-1) over REDSKINS
Who do you think I’m going to pick, Ben?
Overall record: 82-88-6
Last week: 6-7-1
Apple Total: -355
Apple Total Last Week: -20