I probably got you to click on this link with that title, right? Classic.
Do I actually think Carolina, a sub-.500 team without an offensive line, is going to the Super Bowl? Maybe. But I’ve never been more confident in a single game than I am in the Panthers winning beating the Falcons today.
With a win against the Dirty Birds, the Panthers will head to the to the playoffs for the sixth time in playoff history. They have never been eliminated in the Wild Card round before and have a 6-5 all-time record.
The Falcons, on the other hand? They have the fourth-worst winning percentage in NFL history. Fourth-worst! Only the listless Lions, the only team to go 0-16, the 13-year old Texans, and creamsicle Buccaneers are worst.
I want YOU to bet all your life’s savings on the Panthers today. I can feel it.
Never before have I been more confident in an NFL pick. Never, I say. I would bet the Charlotte Hornets franchise, Cam Newton’s healthy vertebrae, and the Charlotte Checkers’ 1994-95 Calder Cup on it. Plus the Cats are 3-point underdogs? Please.
Am I riding a high off reading Scott Fowler’s Tales from the Carolina Panthers Sideline (buy it on Amazon here)? Maybe. Am I worried that the Falcons’ 32nd-ranked pass defense may be underrated? No (ha!).
The Panthers are perfectly set up for another Super Bowl run. They’ll be gifteed the gimpy Cardinals in the first round (redeeming the worst playoff game I’ve ever seen), take down the Lions in the Division round (who they easily dispensed of in Week 2), and then easily beat Dallas when they go full Romo (you never go full Romo).
This isn’t my Hickory Smoked Pulled Pork Lock o’ the Week. This is my Hickory Smoked Pulled Pork Lock o’ the Week o’ the Year o’ the Century.
Oh, and Matt Ryan can’t win big games.
As always, home teams are in CAPS, and here’s a run through of each section:
Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked Games are worth 5 apples.
Dunkin’ Donuts Plain Cake Games are worth 10 apples.
KFC Double Down Games are worth 20 apples.
Hickory Smoked Pulled Pork Lock o’ the Week is worth 50 apples.
Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked Games:
Lions (+7.5) over PACKERS
For a game with so much on the line (a bye and potentially home field advantage in the playoffs), I am incredibly uninterested in this game. Take that, Midwest!
Browns (+13.5) over RAVENS
Which was more unlikely 12 months ago: Justin Forsett being the 6th-leading rusher in the league or Connor Shaw being a starting NFL quarterback?
Jets (+6.5) over DOLPHINS
Weird stuff happens in Week 17, especially in games with nothing on the line. Just take the points.
Rams (+11.5) over SEAHAWKS
I’m not giving double digit points in Week 17.
Raiders (+14) over BRONCOS
I’m not giving double digit points in Week 17, part II.
Dunkin’ Donuts Plain Cake Games:
Colts (-7.5) over TITANS
It’s almost time to switch the weekly “things still better than the Jaguars” feature to “things still better than the Titans,” but it’s just too much fun making fun of Jacksonville.
PATRIOTS (-6) over Bills
What do you think Bill Belichick would enjoy more than making sure the Bills don’t have their first winning season in a decade?
Bears (+7) over VIKINGS
I know there’s a usual rule of never betting on Jimmy Clausen, but I’m not giving up a touchdown for a team that allowed Ryan Tannehill to throw for nearly 400 yards.
Vanderbilt has a history of baseball players playing football.
Vanderbilt’s football season has come to a close, and baseball season is still a few months away, but fear not, there’s still a good reason to write about the two. Jackson Martin of The Dirty South Sports Report and friend of the program and fellow baseball nut Andrew King (Vanderbilt, Class of 2013) have come together with me to draft the Vanderbilt baseball team to play football, giving Vanderbilt football the national title-worthy roster it deserves, but maybe not the one it needs.
The rules are simple: draft a team of nine players: 1 quarterback, 5 skill position players, 1 linebacker, 1 defensive back, and 1 kicker (baseball players aren’t really built like linemen). Draft order was determined by a random number generator.
(Hat tip to Andrew King for coming up with this idea by saying Ro Coleman should be Vanderbilt’s third running back after Jerron Seymour was kicked off the team.)
Round 1:
Jackson: Dansby Swanson – ATH
Jackson Notes: Started off my draft the right way, by taking a player from Georgia. Dansby is the best all-around athlete available, and I’m going to use him in a multitude of roles. My offensive scheme is built around getting the ball into the best player’s hands, so Dansby will be catching passes, taking handoffs and throwing passes to make sure he gets as many opportunities to put points on the board as possible. Think of him as my Kentucky-era Randall Cobb.
Andrew Notes: With Adam Ravenelle and Jared Miller in the pros, Dansby has the best lettuce on the team by far. That could get him picked in the top 3 rounds by itself, but the all-around tools push him over the top. Good pick.
Ben Notes: He’s pretty clearly the best player on the baseball team, and he’s athletic enough to be a very good receiver.
Andrew: Jeren Kendall – RB
Andrew Notes: The NFL isn’t a running back league anymore, but we aren’t in the NFL so screw it, I’m going with Jeren at RB. He’s fast enough to be a home run threat on every snap, can catch passes out of the backfield, and his hockey background suggests he can handle being hit with regularity. I’ll build my team around that.
Jackson Notes: Fastest player on the team. Excellent pick, though I might have used him at wideout instead of running back.
Ben Notes: I was going to take him with one of my two picks. Fastest guy on the team, and he played hockey in high school, so I’d guess he’s pretty tough. He’d be great at either receiver or running back.
Ben: Jordan Sheffield – WR
Ben Notes: Sheffield should have been the first pick in the draft easy. Have you seen his high school highlight reel? Plus with his arm, I’m sure we could run a ton of Antwaan Randle El-esque gadget plays to get him involved in the passing game. I’m pretty sure most plays are going to start with Sheffield swinging around on a reverse. Also he won the Omaha Challenge this year, so that’s something.
Jackson Notes: The player who I initially assessed as the first overall pick. He’s actually played football, and has a strong highlight tape already. Was very hard to pass on him.
Andrew Notes: Ah, good Vanderbilt memories…a wide receiver named Jordan as the cornerstone of a team. Hint: not referring to Mr. Cunningham.
Round 2:
Ben: Xavier Turner – RB
Ben Notes: I’m getting a 6’2” 220 running back who runs a 6.75 60 time (sixth on the baseball team among times I could find), and apparently he was recruited by Ohio State to play running back before he blew out his knee in high school. Most of my offense will be pounding the ball with X.
Jackson Notes: I do not envy anyone who has to tackle X. He will, in fact, give it to ya.
Andrew Notes: ^ Well said.
Andrew: Rhett Wiseman – WR
Andrew Notes: Watch his running catch against Texas to lead off the 10th inning of the CWS semifinals. Or his diving catch to lead off the 9th inning against Virginia in Game 3 of the CWS Finals. He’s fast, has good hands, and has pretty good size at 6’1” 205; can’t pass up players like that.
Ben Notes: Rhett’s shockingly fast (6.51 60) and has good size, but he’ll probably need to bulk up if he’s taking many shots over the middle. I don’t know how many players are better qualified to make crazy catches, though.
Jackson Notes: You know how we use the phrase “deceptively fast” to describe white guys who can burn people dowfield? Rhett’s not deceptively fast, he’s just fast.
Jackson: Ro Coleman – RB
Jackson Notes: Shifty back, he’s quicker than he is fast. Getting him the ball in space will be absolutely key for my offense, so expect to see him utilized much like Darren Sproles was for Kansas State. Also planning on using this play at least once.
Andrew Notes: I wonder if you only picked him because Tony Kemp wasn’t on the board. He’s quick, but I worry about his durability, so I wouldn’t have taken him as the primary back on a team.
Ben Notes: You might just be able to hide Ro behind the line on every play. Then again, he’s not going to be able to hits like X will at running back.
Round 3:
Jackson: Zander Wiel – LB
Jackson Notes: I need a quarterback for my defense. Zander is built like a linebacker, and fits into this role as well as anyone else in this draft does. Would have gone higher if linebacker was a more valued position.
Andrew Notes: Probably would have picked him as a TE, but he’d be a scary good linebacker too.
Ben Notes: Going defense this early? Bold.
Andrew: Will Toffey – DB
Andrew Notes: I sure as hell wouldn’t want a fast, 6’2” hockey player bearing down on me in the open field. It’s a no brainer plugging him in at DB to solidify the back end of my defense. Disclaimer: I’m by far the biggest hockey fan of the three of us, so it’s no surprise I’ve picked 2 former hockey standouts in the first 3 rounds.
Jackson Notes: Is there any reason so many of these guys played hockey in addition to baseball? Is that just a thing people do in the north? I always thought Tom Glavine was unique for being drafted in both MLB and the NHL.
Jackson note #2: You’re only the biggest hockey fan because my beloved Thrashers were taken from me. #RIPThrashers
Ben Notes: Toffey won two New England Prep National Championships in hockey, I’ll assume he’s a tough guy too. I could see him as a hard-hitting safety too probably because he’s got some of the best power on the baseball team.
Ben: Joey Mundy – LB
Ben Notes: Since we’re on a run of defensive players, I’ll take someone who actually played defense in high school. Mundy was an outside linebacker for a Huntington High School team that went 13-1 and only gave up 10.2 points per game his senior year. At 6’3” 215, he’s also one of the bigger guys on roster.
Andrew Notes: I don’t know anything about Joey Mundy, but choosing a linebacker to play linebacker seems reasonable.
Jackson Notes: Ben’s on a run of taking guys who actually played football in high school. It’s times like this where I feel like a little more research could have done wonders for my team.
Round 4:
Ben: Tyler Ferguson – TE
Ben Notes: Tight ends are going to be a big part of my offense, and Ferguson is a big dude at 6’3” 225. I assume I won’t need to do this, but I could use him as an emergency quarterback or even use him on trick plays.
Andrew Notes: You have 3 players on offense alone who could reasonably lay claim to being your starting quarterback (Buehler, Sheffield, Ferguson). If there’s anything we’ve learned from former Vanderbilt Offensive Coordinator Karl Dorrell, it’s that you can never play too many quarterbacks, right? Now if only you had a redshirt to burn…
Jackson Notes: I mean, these are baseball players we’re talking about. They throw balls as their job (you know, a job where a shadowy organization won’t allow you to be paid for doing your job). I kind of assume all of them would make for at least passable quarterbacks.
Andrew: Drake Parker – ATH
Andrew Notes: I’m building my offense around speed in the open field, and I just found my Dexter McCluster. Woohoo!
Jackson Notes: Got the second smallest guy on the team. I’m thinking you were jealous of my Ro Coleman pick after all?
Ben Notes: Parker could be really useful if you can get him free in open field. I’m personally a bigger fan of players with size, but Parker’s speed is definitely exciting.
Jackson: Tyler Green – TE
Jackson Notes: Absolutely cannot believe Green lasted this long. He’s the tallest guy on the team, and was drafted to play hockey — so he seems like a perfect fit at tight end.
Andrew Notes: I’m just excited that he and Ro are on the same team. Wouldn’t you love to see the biggest guy block for the smallest guy? Me too. And he’d be a beast in the red zone.
Ben Notes: I’m actually really upset you took Green here. I really wanted him and was going to use him with Ferguson in my twin tight end sets. Dude is a mountain of a man, although my only concern is his 7.25 60 time.
Round 5:
Jackson: Bryan Reynolds – WR
Jackson Notes: Bryan has some wheels, and he’s prototypical receiver size at 6’2, 195 pounds. He’s a guy who I trust to catch the ball and make plays in space, so this is an exciting player to get in the fifth round.
Andrew Notes: Probably would’ve been drafted sooner, but his moustache tool graded out as a 30 on the 20 to 80 scale and scouts were concerned it would keep him from reaching his full potential.
Ben Notes: How did Bryan last this long in the draft? He’s got size and speed and actually catches balls in baseball.
Andrew: Kyle Smith – LB
Andrew Notes: Serious size at 6’3” 220lbs, solid speed, and he’s strong like bull. Sure, I’ll slot him in at LB.
Ben Notes: Kyle would’ve been great for tight end or linebacker. I hope is defense in football is better than his defense in baseball, though.
Jackson Notes: Big dude, seems like a fit at linebacker.
Ben: Walker Buehler – QB
Ben Notes: Walker gets the edge over Carson Fulmer at quarterback for me because he has a couple inches on Carson, and I feel like as he fills out his 160-pound frame, he may gain a little more arm strength. He’s definitely going to be a pocket passer with a 7.65 60 time (!!!!), but I’m not too worried with his arm and my first couple picks on offense.
Jackson Notes: I’m surprised Walker lasted this long. Has a huge arm and his favorite TV shows are The League and Blue Mountain State, so you know he can ball.
Andrew Notes: His big arm and thin frame reminds me a lot of Wade Freebeck, who you may recognize as a recurring contestant on Karl Dorrell’s Musical Quarterbacks. The show got terrible ratings and has since been canceled. Can you tell I’m still bitter?
Round 6:
Ben: Penn Murfee – WR
Ben Notes: Penn hasn’t gotten to see much of the field yet in baseball, but he’s got a great size-speed combination at 6’2” and a 6.74 60 time (fourth fastest on the team among those listed). That’s about all I know about Penn to be honest.
Jackson Notes: Apparently everyone in his family is a competitive swimmer. I don’t know how well that’s going to translate to football, considering it’s played on land.
Andrew Notes: What is a Penn Murfee?
Andrew: Ben Bowden – TE
Andrew Notes: He has good size for a TE, and he played PF for his high school basketball team so I presume he’s got a halfway-decent vertical and can go up and make plays in traffic.
Ben Notes: Great size at 6’4” 220, which should play well at tight end. He was also the Gatorade Player of the Year in Massachusetts for Baseball, so that’s cool.
Jackson Notes: Ben Bowden is a rock-solid name for a tight end. Not quite Heath Miller good, but definitely up there.
Jackson: Aubrey McCarty – QB
Jackson Notes: My insane offensive plan has finally played out to perfection. McCarty is notable for being ambidextrous, a skill I will use to full effect as my quarterback. He’s going to be rolling out to both sides, adding a great wrinkle to our hurry-up spread scheme. He also went to Colquitt County High School in south Georgia, which is coached by Rush Probst (of Two-A-Days fame) and is currently the No. 3 high school team in the country. Go Packers.
Andrew Notes: Damn, I wanted McCarty. I don’t think I’ve ever seen an ambidextrous QB, and I would be so interested to see how it would work in the right scheme.
Ben Notes: No surprise Jackson, a fellow ambidextrous athlete*, takes McCarty.
Jackson Note #2: Not sure I like your tone there, Ben.
Round 7:
Jackson: Tyler Campbell – DB
Jackson Notes: Great size, great speed, dad is a professional wrestler. Tyler is basically the ideal free safety.
Andrew Notes: I honestly thought someone was going to pick him as their kicker. Not a knock on his athleticism, but he claims that riding a unicycle is his most unique talent, and that just strikes me as something a kicker would do.
Ben Notes: I have nothing bad to say about the College World Series hero.
Andrew: Nolan Rogers – WR
Andrew Notes: Wes Welker, welcome aboard.
Jackson Notes: There’s only ever been one NFL wide receiver ever with Nolan as a first name, and he caught just one pass in his career. What a terrible pick, Andrew.
Ben Notes: I debated for a long time between Rogers (to play either DB or wide receiver) and Murfee. I think I got the better athlete, but I could also see Rogers as a great slot receiver. Also, let it be known that Andrew took Kyle Wright first before switching his pick before I could swipe up Rogers.
Ben: Carson Fulmer – DB
Ben Notes: I don’t know if Carson fits well at any one position, since he’s a little short for quarterback at 5’11”, but he’s a high-energy guy, which makes me see him as a great safety.
Andrew Notes: Thank you for saving him from being a kicker, where he could’ve probably made field goals from 70 yards but would’ve lasted one made extra point or field goal before vigorously celebrating and pulling a Bill Gramatica.
Jackson Notes: I was definitely going to draft him as a kicker.
Round 8:
Ben: Kyle Wright – TE
Ben Notes: I couldn’t land Tyler Green, so I’ll settle for Kyle Wright as my second tight end. X will enjoy the extra blocking with the two-tight end sets, and Kyle may actually be a very good receiver with his size (6’4” 200) and speed (he ran track in high school). Plus even though he didn’t play football in high school, the fact that he’s from Alabama must help in some way.
Andrew Notes: In case you didn’t hear it enough during the CWS run last year: *Aaron Boone says something about Tim Corbin’s affinity for recruiting ultra-athletic guys*
Jackson Notes: Two tight ends? Looks like Ben is setting up a nasty-big power run game.
Andrew: Hayden Stone – K
Andrew Notes: Special teams are hugely important, and I probably gave more thought to this pick than any other, so bear with me. Relievers are like kickers: they’re an afterthought until late in the game, at which point they need to have nerves of steel because they know that “holy crap the outcome of this game and our season comes down to this.” Relievers also have a lot of time on their hands to develop eccentricities and amuse themselves by becoming good at random things…perhaps like kicking field goals. Don’t believe me? Last year, Adam Ravenelle excelled as Vanderbilt’s closer late in the season. He was also nearly perfect in mid-inning shenanigans field goal attempts, including this clutch kick at the CWS. Hayden is a prime candidate to take over in the 9th inning from the Ravenelle/Brian Miller duo, so he’s the clear choice at kicker.
Jackson Notes: Again, I was going to draft him at kicker. Relief pitchers are the specials teams players of baseball.
Ben Notes: Maybe Andrew figured out the new market inefficiency: drafting kickers before the last round.
Jackson: Liam Sabino – K
Jackson Notes: Y’all took both my kickers, so I resorted to Sabino — whose mom is from Brazil. I understand that I’m stereotyping here, but that seems like a safe bet for an average at worst kicker.
Andrew Notes: As long as you have a reason, who am I to judge?
Ben Notes: I’m very glad we’re breaking stereotypes here and drafting a non-white kicker.
Round 9:
Jackson: Karl Ellison – ATH
Jackson Notes: From the same city in Florida as Tim Tebow. Can you say intangibles? Much like Tebow, he’s probably best-suited to play tight end. HEYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOO.
Andrew Notes: Are those similar to Lunchables?
Ben Notes: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Andrew: Jason Delay – QB
Andrew Notes: Catchers have good arms, are tough as nails, and they’re basically an extension of the coaching staff on the field, which is precisely why I want a catcher to be my quarterback. Plus, Jason claims to be good at solving Rubix Cubes. If there’s anybody on this team I’d trust to decipher a defense, make good adjustments at the line of scrimmage, and quickly get the ball to my speedy playmakers in space, it’s him.
Ben Notes: I was kind of hoping to get Delay with my final pick since all the pitchers love him, and somehow my team is made up of mostly pitchers.
Jackson Notes: I’d laugh at you for drafting a catcher, but I just took one as an Athlete. So, uh, shit…
Ben: John Kilichowski – K
Ben Notes: Look, he’s lefty, and his name sounds close enough to Sebastian Janikowski that I think I might have just gotten the steal of the draft.
Andrew Notes: I wonder what John would look like sporting the signature Janikowski goatee-and-shaved-head look to complete the resemblance…probably equally terrifying.
Jackson Notes: Sure.
Team Rosters
Ben
Andrew
Jackson
QB: Walker Buehler
QB: Jason Delay
QB: Aubrey McCarty
RB: Xavier Turner
RB: Jeren Kendall
RB: Ro Coleman
WR: Jordan Sheffield
RB/WR: Drake Parker
WR: Dansby Swanson
WR: Penn Murfee
WR: Rhett Wiseman
WR: Bryan Reynolds
TE: Tyler Ferguson
WR: Nolan Rogers
TE: Tyler Green
TE: Kyle Wright
TE: Ben Bowden
TE: Karl Ellison
LB: Joey Mundy
LB: Kyle Smith
LB: Zander Wiel
DB: Carson Fulmer
DB: Will Toffey
DB: Tyler Campbell
K: John Kilichowski
K: Hayden Stone
K: Liam Sabino
Team Writeups:
Ben:
At first, I was torn between a John Donovan-style offense and a Karl Dorrell-style offense, but after heavy consideration, I think I’ll choose a different path. I know this is college, but I’m going to base my offense off an improved 2003/04 Panthers squad. Much of my offense will revolve around giving the rock to Xavier Turner, who is built like an absolute workhorse (think Stephen Davis). Although pistol was little used back in the day, I could also see Jordan Sheffield (Steve Smith) set up in the backfield for a little pistol formation, which could get really creative since he’s a more-than-capable passer.
My main strategy in drafting was to take the best athletes who played football (Sheffield and Turner) and then grabbed a lot of size. Penn Murfee (Muhsin Muhammad) isn’t a burner, but he’s fast enough to cause matchup problems against defensive backs. Where this team gets fun is with the tight ends, who come in at 6’3” and 6’4”. The Panthers didn’t really have any good tight ends on their Super Bowl run, but Walker Buehler (good Jake Delhomme) may have his own Wesley Walls and Greg Olsen to work with in Tyler Ferguson and Kyle Wright.
Defensively, I’ve always been a proponent of a modified 3-4, which will play into my hands, since I’ll have as many Joey Mundy’s on defense as possible.
Much like the mid-2000s Steelers, there will be plenty of room in the playbook for gadget plays. The more times we get the ball in Sheffield’s hands the better. But we’ve also got a workhorse back, size, and very good athletes. I’m more than happy to just run it down your throat with Jerome Bettis.
Andrew:
I normally have a strong distaste for Pac 12 football, but there’s something captivating about watching Oregon boat-race people every week. My team is built with similar ideologies and boy will they put points on the board as games turn into a track meet. Speed is a killer, and that’s our biggest weapon. The 2011 Oregon team with LaMichael James at Halfback (Jeren Kendall), Kenjon Barner as the Slotback (Drake Parker), and De’Anthony Thomas at WR1 (Rhett Wiseman) is probably a good comparison for my squad, but I ended up with a QB in Delay who is not as fleet of foot as Darron Thomas was (update: as of 2013 Delay was clocked at 6.99s in the 60, which isn’t bad). That being said, I bet Delay would add a tough, physical element as a ball-carrier, perhaps closer to the Dak Prescott mold in that regard.
Sorry to disappoint, but you won’t find many wildcat formations, multiple QB sets, or exotic gadget plays here. We’re going to push the pace, force opponents to cover the entire width of the field, and test the stretched-out defense’s ability to make solo tackles in space. The offense will be slightly pass-heavy, so you can expect a lot of mid-range throws to generate yards after the catch, a healthy amount of pre-snap motion, a moving launch point to keep defenses guessing, and a variety of creative screens. Our personnel will make it tough to pound the ball up the middle consistently, so in the run game you’ll see a lot of zone-blocking, misdirection, and backs who are very active catching balls on both swing passes and wheel routes.
On a random note, I like Oregon’s option plays with a flared-out slotback, so we’ll do that a bunch. Why? Because this is my baseball-turned-football team dammit. Just like this.
On defense, we’ll play a base 4-2-5 like Gary Patterson’s TCU team to take advantage of our athletic, physical secondary which consists of 5 Will Toffey clones. We only drafted two players on defense, so that’s plenty of defensive scheming.
Jackson:
I come from the (gag) Urban Meyer school of thought when it comes to offenses — get the ball in your playmakers hands and give them a chance to make plays. That means I took a bunch of athletes who can line up in multiple positions and get the ball in different ways. We’ll utilize spread formations to get one-on-one matchups in space and terrorize the defense by mixing the run and the pass effectively. The closest current college offense to my ideal philosophy is probably Baylor — a team that uses the run to open up deep passes and especially leans on read-options and playaction passes to force the defense into leaving open space. We’ll definitely play an up-tempo style because I don’t think anyone else has the athletes to match up with my team.
Expect multiple guys to throw the ball on this team. We’re going to creatively use our ambidextrous quarterback to create extra separation and maximize the effectiveness of pop passes (a read-option that has the quarterback throw a pass instead of running if the receiver is uncovered). Dansby will also be taking snaps at quarterback — calling this the Wildcat is disingenuous because he has just as good an arm as our quarterback.
Deception is key in keeping a defense off-balance. Between the option plays, pop passes, playaction, six trick plays per game and our (listed height) 5’5” running back, I want the defense to not know where the ball is half the time. You can’t stop what you can’t see.
This is my first NFL picks column in three weeks because, well, I’ve been pretty lazy/busy. In the mean time, I’ve been 21-20 and made 110 apples, so I’m finally no longer in debt! I’m really starting to catch the hint that I should stop posting weekly picks if I want to pick well… does that mean I’m overthinking things when I write about each game?
Too late now, I’m writing this intro last.
As always, home teams are in CAPS, and here’s a run through of each section:
Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked Games are worth 5 apples.
Dunkin’ Donuts Plain Cake Games are worth 10 apples.
KFC Double Down Games are worth 20 apples.
Hickory Smoked Pulled Pork Lock o’ the Week is worth 50 apples.
Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked Games:
Titans (+11) over EAGLES
Yes, the Titans are second-to-last in the league in rush defense going up against one of the best rush attacks in the league, but I’m not about to give away double digit points to a team that lost by 33 last week.
Rams (+4.5) over CHARGERS
After starting 5-1, it seems the Chargers have remembered their skill position players are Donald Brown, Branden Oliver, Malcom Floyd, Eddie Royal, and Keenan Allen.
NINERS (-9) over Injuns
With all this hubbub about benching RG3 for Kirk Cousins, Cousins turning out to be so bad he needed to be benched for Colt McCoy, and RG3 coming back and playing badly off the injury, you know Dan Snyder is going to draft Marcus Mariota or Jameis Winston.
Browns (+3) over FALCONS
What a weird world we live in that the Browns are good and the Falcons are bad.
Jets (+3.5) over BILLS
This game isn’t going to be played in Buffalo because there’s too much snow and probably just shouldn’t be played at all to save us from three hours of awful football. Without a doubt the Ain’t Nobody Got Time For That Game of the Week.
Cardinals (+6.5) over SEAHAWKS
Serious question: Kurt Warner couldn’t be that much worse than Drew Stanton at this point, right?
BEARS (-6) over Buccaneers
So this Marc Trestman experiment isn’t going very well. After starting 3-0 last year, the second-year head coach is now 9-14 and has adopted a baby to save his relationship with the team.
Packers (-9.5) over VIKINGS
After looking at the way Minnesota plays without Adrian Peterson, do you think he deserves the title Most Valuable Player?
Bengals (+1.5) over TEXANS
The Texans are 5-5 with wins against Washington, Oakland, Buffalo, Tennessee, and Cleveland. Color me completely unimpressed.
When you think of the Patriots, think of those actual patriots in 1776 or Captain America.
Cowboys (-3.5) over GIANTS
I think I’m picking against the Giants every week @turntuptina doesn’t make picks for me just to spite her.
Hickory Smoked Pulled Pork Lock o’ the Week:
PATRIOTS (-7) over Lions
A vote for the Patriots is a vote for America.
As always, home teams are no CAPS, and here are explanations for each of the officially unofficial sponsored sections of picks I have.
Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked Games are worth 5 apples.
Dunkin’ Donuts Plain Cake Games are worth 10 apples.
KFC Double Down Games are worth 20 apples.
Hickory Smoked Pulled Pork Lock o’ the Week is worth 50 apples.
Happy Halloween, Cleveland!
Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked Games:
BROWNS (-6.5) over Buccaneers
Even if Brian Hoyer continues to play horribly, there’s no way Johnny Football will be in any condition to play after Halloweekend.
Cardinals (+3.5) over COWBOYS
Did you know that the Cardinals have a two game lead over the rest of the NFC West? Yes, they haven’t played Seattle yet, but they took care of San Francisco, Philadelphia, and San Diego. Give them a little more credit than worse-than-a-field-goal underdogs.
Rams (+10) over NINERS
What ever happened to Vernon Davis? He’s been banged up a bit, but he only has 34 catches on the year (34th among tight ends) for 142 yards (33rd). Really I’m just grumpy because my main fantasy team is 6th out of 12 in scoring yet somehow 0-8.
PATRIOTS (+3) over Broncos
I’ll probably miss this one, but I’ll be damned if I pick against Tom Brady at home against Peyton Manning and give up points.
Dunkin’ Donuts Plain Cake Games:
PANTHERS (+3) over Saints
The Saints are second-to-last in the NFL in pass defense, so expect Cam Newton to put on a bigger show tonight than either LeBron or Jameis.
Chargers (+2.5) over DOLPHINS
The Dolphins only beat the Jaguars by 14 last week, so I’ll count that one as a moral loss.
Ravens (-1.5) over STEELERS
Last week, Ben Roethlisberger was 40-49 for 522 yards with 6 touchdowns and no interceptions or sacks and got a 99.0 QBR. What on Earth do you need to do to get a 100? Or even a 99.5?
KFC Double Down Games:
Eagles (-2) over TEXANS
I’m afraid the Texans may have gone the way of the Cardinals when J.J. Watt said Zach Mettenberger disrespected the game by taking selfies. Guess I can’t pick them or root for them anymore.
Injuns (+1) over VIKINGS
Nine weeks into the season, it’s time to welcome back the Ain’t Nobody Got Time For That Game of the Week!
CHIEFS (-9.5) over Jets
Serious question: how much longer of a leash does Rex Ryan get? He hasn’t been good for 5 seasons and has the team looking like a laughing stock while still running his mouth.
Raiders (+15) over SEAHAWKS
Don’t call me crazy yet… the Raiders will probably be down 21 before scoring a garbage time touchdown with a minute left against the Seahawks third string secondary. Or, alternatively, Seattle hasn’t won a game by more than 10 points since Week 1.
Hickory Smoked Pulled Pork Lock o’ the Week:
Colts (-3) over GIANTS
If you’re wondering why I’m already in debt triple digit fruit, it’s because I keep missing these locks o’ the week. Like the Colts (-3.5) over the Steelers last week. So here is Andrew Luck’s one shot at redemption in my heart.
I took a week off from writing my weekly picks since I was in Gatlinburg, and my picks didn’t go especially well. Irregardless, I’m back guns blazin’ with my Week 8 picks.
As always, home teams are no CAPS, and here are explanations for each of the officially unofficial sponsored sections of picks I have.
Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked Games are worth 5 apples.
Dunkin’ Donuts Plain Cake Games are worth 10 apples.
KFC Double Down Games are worth 20 apples.
Hickory Smoked Pulled Pork Lock o’ the Week is worth 50 apples.
Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked Games:
Chargers (+9) over BRONCOS
Whoops.
COWBOYS (-10) over Injuns
South Park has been absolutely on point this season (and has been especially good about tying all the episodes together), but none have been better than the season premier, Go Fund Yourself, about the Washington football team’s name.
Zach Mettenberger: starting NFL quarterback or trailer trash? Or both?
CHIEFS (-7) over Rams Zac Stacy was only given one snap and zero touches last week, so effectively now, I’m boycotting the Rams.
Texans (-3.5) over TITANS
I’m currently writing these picks from a FOX Sports truck in LP Field, and it’s bizarrely foggy in Nashville. There’s no way I’m betting on Zach Mettenburger if there are anything less than perfect conditions.
Lions (-3.5) over Falcons (in London)
Fun fact: the Falcons don’t know where London is. If they don’t show up, would that be a forfeit? In that case shouldn’t I switch my pick to Falcons (+3.5) since there will be no scoring in this non-existent game?
Packers (+2) over SAINTS
Which city would you rather spend a weekend in: Green Bay or New Orleans?
Seahawks (-5) over PANTHERS
The Panthers might be really bad, who knows? But I keep picking the Panthers this year, and I figure maybe their fortunes will turn around if I pick against them.
Hickory Smoked Pulled Pork Lock o’ the Week:
Colts (-3.5) over STEELERS
I really don’t have anything to add for this game, so this is your Who Cares Game of the Week. Indianapolis and Pittsburgh just seem like the most boring cities.
I know plenty of you were wondering why I didn’t post any picks last week, and there’s a good reason. After my Week 4 picks went the way of the Titanic and I lost 95 apples on a 4-8-1 record, I knew there was only one person to turn to: huge Giants fan and noted ridiculous person Cristina Dafonte.
Unfortunately due to things like “homework” and “meetings” and “leave me alone I have to make a philanthropy banner by myself” @turntuptina was not able to make picks last week, so I cancelled the weekly column. Sure, I did do well picking Week 5, finding my way back into the black on the season, but her posts usually get more clicks than mine do anyway.
In case you don’t remember, Tina went 17-11-3 last year in two weeksof picks and made me 85 apples (including nailing the Giants games twice for the Lock o’ the Week). Her picks were also two of my top five most viewed NFL picks of last year, and the only reason she doesn’t have the most viewed post is because my Week 12 picks entitled Big Daddy Indonesia gets several new clicks per month from Indonesia.
Without further ado, here are Tina’s Week 6 picks with home teams are in CAPS. All of the commentary on the games below are direct quotes and words in parenthesis are my responses. Lastly, here’s an explanation for each of the categories of games:
Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked Games are worth 5 apples.
Dunkin’ Donuts Plain Cake Games are worth 10 apples.
KFC Double Down Games are worth 20 apples.
Hickory Smoked Pulled Pork Lock o’ the Week is worth 50 apples.
Ben & Jerry’s Half BakedGame:
Steelers (-2) over BROWNS
I know the Steelers are better than the Browns. Right? I find it hard to care.
Without RG3, the [redacted] are horrendous. I hate the [redacted].
VIKINGS (+1.5) over Lions
I’m going with a safe underdog pick
Packers (-3.5) over DOLPHINS
Because Jay Cutler. Isn’t he the quarterback of Green Bay. (No.) Who’s the quarterback of Green Bay? (Aaron Rodgers.) Oh his brother went here. The Vanderbilt connection is confusing.
Panthers (+7) over BENGALS
We’ll go with Carolina. Make Ben a happy camper. Also fuck Groll.
KFC Double Down Game:
FALCONS (-3) over Bears
I’m a new-founded Atlanta fan thanks to Beth and Morgan. Also, Morgan’s favorite player is Julio Jones (pronounced Jew-lio) not Julio Jones.
Broncos (-8.5) over JETS
If there’s one thing I learned about picking games last year, it’s don’t pick the Jets.
Patriots (-3) over BILLS
My cousin goes to all the Bills games, and her pictures are so fucking annoying.
Chargers (-7) over RAIDERS
Kayla, I love you, but the Raiders are going to lose.
SEAHAWKS (-8) over Cowboys
I’m going with the Seahawks because it’s against my religion to pick the Cowboys, but I want it to be known that I am in no way a fair-weather Seahawks fan.
Panthers had to ruin my good week by losing the Hickory Smoked Pulled Pork Lock o’ the Week. I really aught to come up with a less absolute name than that… Anyway here are my Week 4 Picks, the first week of byes.
Home teams are in CAPS, and as always, here’s an explanation for each of the categories of games:
Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked Games are worth 5 apples.
Dunkin’ Donuts Plain Cake Games are worth 10 apples.
KFC Double Down Games are worth 20 apples.
Hickory Smoked Pulled Pork Lock o’ the Week is worth 50 apples.
Ben & Jerry’s Half BakedGame:
Saints (-3) over COWBOYS R.I.P. Dez Bryant, he died for all of our sins. But mostly the Cowboys’ sins.
Eagles (+5) over NINERS
I may or may not be upset that I left Vernon Davis in my lineup last week while Frank Gore only got 1 points and I lost by 4.6 points.
It’s a good thing the Raiders and Dolphins are coming to London because Europeans should be used to low-scoring, boring football by now.
TEXANS (-3) over Bills
Pop Quiz: Is Alfred Blue A) the Texans’ starting running back last week with Arian Foster out with a hamstring injury B) Egbert Nathaniel Dawkins III’s original stage name before choosing Aloe Blacc or C) the author of the science-fiction book The Demolished Man? If you guessed C, you’re close. That’s Alfred Bester. If you guessed B; you’re just wrong.
Lions (-1.5) over JETS
If Eric Decker is out again, do you think you could name any two other Jets receivers? I know I can’t.
Through three quarters, the Falcons-Bucs game last year looked like a score out of Backyard Football where the Falcons got all the power ups.
KFC Double Down Game:
BEARS (+1.5) over Packers
Here is a list of wide receivers taken before Alshon Jeffery in the 2012 NFL Draft: Michael Blackmon, Michael Floyd, Kendall Wright, A.J. Jenkins, Brian Quick, and Stephen Hill. Floyd and Wright both have far less receiving yardage than Jeffrey, and the rest are essentially cast-offs. Blackmon only played 4 games last year because of injuries and a suspension and likely won’t join the Jaguars this year after getting arrest again this summer for marijuana possession. Jenkins has yet to eclipse 150 career receiving yards and has already been traded, Quick has yet to go reach 20 receptions in a year, and Hill is now on the Panthers’ practice squad.
COLTS (-7.5) over Titans
Sure, the Titans are second in the NFL in pass defense, but that’s because teams they’re playing are so far up they just run the ball for three-quarters of their plays.
Patriots (-3.5) over CHIEFS
*covers ears* la la la I can’t here you la la la Tom Brady isn’t on a clear downward spiral la la la
Panthers (+3.5) over RAVENS
Steve Smith has been waiting six months for this game. And he specifically picked a team that was playing the Panthers this year. There will be blood and guts everywhere.
Hickory Smoked Pulled Pork Lock o’ the Week:
Falcons (-3) over VIKINGS
Took the Vikings long enough to pick Teddy Bridgewater as their starting quarterback (but only because Matt Cassel got hurt). They’ll still need a real running back and upgrades at at least five other positions before competing with middling teams like the Falcons, though.Overall record: 28-19-1Last week: 10-6
Two weeks in, and I’m in the black. Let’s keep the good luck rolling.
Home teams are in CAPS, and as always, here’s an explanation for each of the categories of games:
Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked Games are worth 5 apples.
Dunkin’ Donuts Plain Cake Games are worth 10 apples.
KFC Double Down Games are worth 20 apples.
Hickory Smoked Pulled Pork Lock o’ the Week is worth 50 apples.
Ben & Jerry’s Half BakedGame:
FALCONS (-6.5) over Buccaneers
How is this game primetime and Seahawks-Broncos is not? We have the great matchup of a team that lost to Austin Davis and a team that lost by two touchdowns to the Bengals last week, so I’ll be doing anything but watching this game on Thursday.
SEAHAWKS (-5) over Broncos
Speaking of the Super Bowl XLVIII rematch, the Seahawks won their last matchup by 35, and this line is 5 points. Silly Vegas, you don’t even know how to make a line.
Raiders (+14.5) over PATRIOTS
I hate lines like this. The Raiders are bad but could very easily score a touchdown with a minute left to cut a 21-point deficit to 14 points and cover. Don’t bet on this game.
BROWNS (+1.5) over Ravens
Any game in the AFC North that doesn’t include the Bengals is probably going to be the Who Cares Game of the Week.
EAGLES (-6.5) over Injuns
I’m starting to think the Eagles could go 8-8 and win their division. Now they’re a whole lot more talented than that, but the rest of the division is more bleak than RG3’s future.
Dunkin’ Donuts Plain Cake Game:
Chargers (+2.5) over BILLS
Honestly I’m surprised a team that took down the defending champions isn’t getting more respect. This is the first of four games the rest of the way this week that I pick the underdog but would still take them even if the line was flipped around.
BENGALS (-7) over Titans
I watched the Titans game last week while keeping stats for the FOX Sports broadcast (humblebrag), and the Titans looked impossibly bad. Until further notice, I’ll be picking against them every week, especially when they play playoff teams like the Bengals.
SAINTS (-10.5) over Vikings
Pop Quiz: Is Matt Asiata A) the Vikings’ new starting running back with Adrian Peterson placed on the exempt list B) one of the featured artists on Ne-Yo’s new album Non Fiction or C) my Politics and Mass Media professor? Well since this quiz is under the Vikings game, I really hope you picked A.
Jay Cutler got absolutely level by Quinton Dial last week. Also fun fact: he went to Vanderbilt.
Bears (+3) over JETS
Pop Quiz: Is Devonte Hynes A) the Bear’s new nickelback with Charles Tillman out for the season B) one of the featured artists on Tinashe’s upcoming album Aquarius or C) the full name of Keegan-Michael Key’s MADtv character? Trick question he’s a singer!
Texans (-2.5) over GIANTS
Some guy drafted a team of all Texans for his fantasy team and managed to win in Week 1, so colored me shocked he didn’t go 0-16. That got me thinking: what team would make the best fantasy team? It’s got to be Denver, Green Bay, or New Orleans, right?
KFC Double Down Game:
Cowboys (-1) over RAMS
I thought Vegas was supposed to to favor Dallas more because the Cowboy faithful will always bet on their team…
Chiefs (+4.5) over DOLPHINS
I’m not ready to live in a world where losing to the Bills by 19 leads to you getting favored by a likely playoff team by more than a field goal.
Niners (-3) over CARDINALS
Honestly I thought Drew Stanton was Drew Henson, but it won’t matter who’s under center against the Niners.
Hickory Smoked Pulled Pork Lock o’ the Week
PANTHERS (-3.5) over Steelers
This line makes so little sense to me that I’m worried I’m missing something. Did Cam Newton re-aggravate his back injury? Did Luke Kuechley join a human trafficking ring? What am I missing??!
After one week of making picks, I got most of them right. Eight out of 15 to be exact. Of course, I missed the inaugural Hickory Smoked Pulled Pork Lock o’ the Week, so I lost 20 apples on the week.
There aren’t even any big lessons to be learned because the games I missed were a good mix of road dogs (2), road favorites (1), home dogs (3), and home favorites (1). Take more underdogs I guess?
Anyway, I’ll be keeping up the key to my picks for the rest of the season to avoid confusion about what my different sections mean.
Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked Games are worth 5 apples.
Dunkin’ Donuts Plain Cake Games are worth 10 apples.
KFC Double Down Games are worth 20 apples.
Hickory Smoked Pulled Pork Lock o’ the Week is worth 50 apples.
Ben & Jerry’s Half BakedGame:
Steelers (+2.5) over RAVENS
I said it last week, but I don’t think either team is that good. My usual rule of thumb (when these teams were good) was to take the points every time, so now that they’re both average at best, I think I’ll stick with that strategy.
BILLS (+1) over Dolphins
After watching Kenny Trill Hill play two weeks in row and hearing about Kyle Allen, there’s a really strong possibility that the Dolphins drafted the worst Texas A&M quarterback in a decade to be their franchise QB.
Chiefs (+13.5) over BRONCOS
Before we anoint the Broncos the supreme rulers of the universe, can we let them have one decisive victory? Denver almost blew at 24-0 lead at home.
Jets (+8.5) over PACKERS
Did you see the Jets’ offense look competent last week?? Sure, it was against the Raiders, but they averaged 6.2 yards on the ground and Geno Smith had a very un-New York quarterback game with only one interception.
NINERS (-7) over Bears
I really want to like the Bears with the combination of Jay Cutler (did you know he went to Vanderbilt??) and his big receivers (Brandon Marshall, Alshon Jeffrey, and Martellus Bennett) plus Matt Forte, but the team did not look great against the Bills. They got sliced up for 193 yards on the ground and turned it over three times. Once they face a real run game and real defense, they had better show last week was a fluke.
Cowboys (+3.5) over TITANS Jake Locker made it through one regular season without getting hurt, so the Titans are really just in the black for the rest of the way.
Seahawks (-6) over CHARGERS
Seattle and San Diego are two of my favorite cities in the US. I could work with 60-70 year round temperatures. However, I could not live with the Chargers’ defense. They were last in the NFL in defensive DVOA last year, and after Eric Weddle and Brandon Flowers, I’m not sure I’d want another one of their players starting for me.
Eagles (+3) over COLTS
In the first half last week, the Eagles trailed the Jaguars 17-0, and Chip Kelly lost his genius moniker. Then they out-scored Jacksonville 34-0 in the second half, and Chip Kelly was a genius again. For my own sake as a Darren Sproles fantasy owner, I’m banking on him still being a genius.
Saints (-6.5) over BROWNS
Did anyone else know Isaiah Crowell was still playing football? I assumed after he got kicked off of Georgia’s team he’d go the way of Maurice Clarrett.
PANTHERS (-3) over Lions
In today’s media session, Cam Newton kept reiterating that he’s “trying to find ways to stay protected by Donkey Kong Suh” and said it with a straight face. That’s some serious shade. I’m taking the Panthers.
BUCCANEERS (-5) over Rams
Pop Quiz: Is Austin Davis A) the newest teen country star B) the lead actor for new Disney Channel show “Girl Meets World” or C) the Rams new starting quarterback.
Falcons (+5) over BENGALS
I’m going to ride out the Falcons to start the year because I think people/Vegas are underrating them coming off an extremely disappointing 4-12 season. (Yes, I know I picked against them last week.)
Cardinals (-2.5) over GIANTS
I’m going to ride out picking against the Giants to start the year because I think people/Vegas are overrating them for winning two stupid Super Bowls with their stupid quarterback. (Yes, I know I picked them last week.)
Hickory Smoked Pulled Pork Lock o’ the Week
Patriots (-3) over VIKINGS
Give me Tim Brady vs. Matt Cassel, I’ll take the older guy every time.
Welcome back to my weekly NFL picks, the column you mostly come to see which ten awful things that are still better than the Jacksonville Jaguars.
As you (may or) may not remember, I’ve been using a complicated system for my picks the last two years, weighting each game differently. I bet a certain amount of apples on each game because, of course, betting money on sports is illegal in the United States.
We have the Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked Games, which are worth 5 apples.
We have the Dunkin’ Donuts Plain Cake Games, which are worth 10 apples.
We have the KFC Double Down Games, which are worth 20 apples.
And finally, we have the Hickory Smoked Pulled Pork Lock o’ the Week, which is worth 50 apples.
(I’m still waiting on my checks from my sponsorship companies. I think they may have gotten lost in the mail.)
The math is tough, but you’ll have to hang in here. Basically, the more confident I am, the more apples I’ll wager. I’m very unclear how I did last year because I didn’t make picks every week but I went 123-113-8 but lost 320 apples. That’s sort of what happens when you go 6-9-1 in the 50 apple games.
Really, one of the main reasons I saved face and was even that good was because friend of the program Cristina Dafonte (AKA @turntuptina) picked for me twice and went 17-11-3 and made me 85 apples. She will undoubtedly be back later this season for a guest appearance.
Without further ado, let’s get this season going strong. Home teams in CAPS.
Ben & Jerry’s Half BakedGame:
Raiders (+5) over JETS I’m honestly not too sure how many worse quarterback matchups we’ll get this year than Derek Carr vs. Geno Smith. I honestly feel sorry for anyone watching this game.
SEAHAWKS (-5.5) over Packers This will always be one of my favorite games because it brings back great memories of the replacement refs. I still like to yell “TOUCHDOWN SEAHAWKS!” and no one seems to remember it. I’m setting the over/under on mentions of that game at 2.5.
Chargers (+3) over CARDINALS I must have lost at least four Locks o’ the Week last year betting against the Cardinals, so I figured I’d start off the new season picking against them again.
COWBOYS (+5) over Niners I’m still legitimately upset that the Cowboys didn’t draft Johnny Football. It would have been the best thing to ever happen to sports. ESPN would set up a third headquarters in Dallas and have an entire network devoted to Johnny Football, Tony Romo, and Jerry Jones. Such a shame. And it almost happened, too.
Giants (+6) over LIONS The line’s a little too high for me to pick the Lions, but the Giants might be a big mess this year. They were 29th in rushing last year, and now their leading rushers are Rashad Jennings and Peyton “Wait how did he ever get on the cover of Madden” Hillis.
Dunkin’ Donuts Plain Cake Game:
Vikings (+3.5) over RAMS Poor Sam Bradford. Two straight knee injuries to end his seasons. You’d think he could pay someone to give him bionic knees with that $86 million contract he got.
TEXANS (-3) over Injuns Lots of different publication are protesting the Redskins name in different ways. The Washington Post editorial board and New York Times will no longer print the name. Bill Simmons only writes Washington. I thought about naming different tribes of American Indians for every week in reference to that great commercial that ran during the Super Bowl, but instead I’m going with a slightly less offensive name than the Redskins: the Injuns.
Saints (-3) over FALCONS The Falcons’ offensive line wasn’t great to start with, and then left tackle Sam Baker suffered a season-ending injury. I still like them, but not that much.
Browns (+6.5) over STEELERS The Steelers aren’t as good as you’d think, and the Browns aren’t as bad as you’d think. Remember, Cleveland is returning four Pro Bowlers (not including Josh Gordon), signed Karlos Dansby, Donte Whitner, and Ben Tate, and had two first-round picks. This could be a shockingly good team once they finally give Johnny Football the ball.
BRONCOS (-7.5) over Colts I don’t know if any team will be able to beat the Broncos this year. Did you see everyone they added? They might be unstoppable. This definitely isn’t a reverse jinx. Nope.
KFC Double Down Game:
Panthers (+2.5) over BUCCANEERS I can’t get behind a team led by Josh McCown being protected by Anthony Collins, Logan Mankins, Evan Dietrich-Smith, Patrick Omameh, and Demar Dotson. Also is it crazy to say that the Panthers may have a better receiving corp with Kelvin Benjamin, Jerricho Cotchery, and Jason Avant compared to Steve Smith, Brandon LaFell, and Ted Ginn?
BEARS (-7) over Bills Did you know that Jay Cutler went to Vanderbilt?
Bengals (+2) over RAVENS This line doesn’t make much sense to me. The Ravens weren’t particularly good last year, and the Bengals were. In fact, only three teams (Denver, Seattle, and San Francisco) had better point differentials than Cincy.
Patriots (-5) over DOLPHINS This reeks of classic Patriots crapping the bed to open the season, eeking out a 1-point win over an underwhelming Dolphins team. So I’m taking the Patriots to win big.
Hickory Smoked Pulled Pork Lock o’ the Week
Chiefs (-4) over TITANS I’m also legitimately upset that the Titans didn’t draft Johnny Football. Every night I go downtown, there would be a not-insignificant chance I would see Johnny on Broadway, AND NOW THAT DREAM IS RUINED. Well, except for the weekend of October 5th, when, of course, I’ll be in Athens watching Vanderbilt get throttled by Georgia. Thanks, Obama.
The Knuckle Blog 
