NFL

Week 11 NFL Picks – Tina’s Takeover

Last week I improved, picking eight of the fourteen games correctly. But because I missed the Cook Out Drive-Thru Lock o’ the Week for the seventh time this year (the Texans lost by a half point! A half point!!!), I lost 35 apples on the week.

So instead, huge Giants fan and noted ridiculous person Cristina Dafonte will be making my picks this week. All the analysis is hers. Enjoy.

Week 11 NFL Picks. Home teams in CAPS.

Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked Games:

Vikings (+12.5) over SEAHAWKS
Seattle’s going to win this game because have you ever been to a home game in Seattle? It’s miserable and they’re terrible humans. The fans are so loud and annoying and awful. Ooh that’s a lot of points, but still the Vikings suck. I think they’re going to win but not by 12.5 points

Raiders (+7) over TEXANS
Texas is going to win by 3 because the Raiders lost to the Giants by 4, and how embarrasing is that?

DOLPHINS (+1.5) over Chargers
You can decide a reason for that one. Am I supposed to know any players on these teams? Oh it’s in Miami. That’s why.

Redskins (+3.5) over EAGLES
Oh Redskins because fuck the Eagles! I hate the Eagles, but not as much as I hate the Cowboys.

Dunkin’ Donuts Plain Cake Games:

BUCCANEERS (+1.5) over Falcons
I’m going with the Bucs because you have to pick an upset every once in a while.

BEARS (-3) over Ravens
Because Bears are stronger than Ravens. I don’t have anything else to say about this game. I don’t care who wins TBH.

BENGALS (-6) over Browns
Sure six sounds like a good number. The Bengals are 6-4 and the Browns are 4-5.

Cardinals (-12) over JAGUARS
Here is a running list of things better than the Jaguars:
1. Food that squirms while you eat it
2. This little girls’ situational awareness
3. British flag wavers’ spelling at NFL games
4. Kids’ reactions when you take their Halloween candy
5. The quality of substitute teachers in Pennsylvania
6. Cristina Dafonte’s ability to wear a tie
7. Cristina Dafonte’s ability to climb a tree
8. Cristina Dafonte’s ability to drink normally
9. Cristina Dafonte’s choice in food
10. Cristina Dafonte’s ability to just be a normal, functioning person for one night

PANTHERS (-2.5) over Patriots
Tom Brady may be the best-looking quarterback in the NFL with the hottest wife, but you can’t have it all.

KFC Double Down Games

Colts (-3) over TITANS
Oh yeah, I’m picking the Colts because because the Titans lost to the Jaguars, the only team worse than the Giants.

Jets (+1) over BILLS
Jets! J-E-T-S Jets Jets Jets! I’m actually a fallback Jets fan.

Lions (-2) over STEELERS
I don’t really know who either of these teams are. Except the Steelers. Because they wore those really awful uniforms one time.

Niners (+3) over SAINTS
Who’s the quarterback for New Orleans? Isn’t he someone I should know? (Drew Brees) Yeah he’s really good. Is the quarterback for the 49ers someone I should know? (Colin Kaepernick) Oh yeah I know his name. Who’s the team that has Andrew Luck? (Colts) 49ers.

Chiefs (+8) over BRONCOS
Kansas City is undefeated. But still, Peyton Manning. It’s just I don’t know it’s hard to pick against the team that’s undefeated, but it’s also hard to root against Peyton Manning. I’m going to go with Kansas City. But I hope Peyton doesn’t get mad at me.

We believe in Eli Manning.

We believe in Eli Manning.

Cook Out Drive-Thru Lock o’ the Week:

GIANTS (-5) over Packers
We believe in Eli Manning.

Overall record: 69-75-3

Last week: 8-6

Apple Total: -345

Apple Total Last Week: -35

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Week 10 NFL Picks – Tebow Vince Favre

As you may have seen, last week I went with every favorite after some analysis that showed that favorites had won 53% of their games. Unfortunately, favorites won only 38% of their games last week, although I did make 10 apples, mostly thanks to nailing just my 3rd Cook Out Drive-Thru Lock o’ the Week of the year.

With that in mind, I’ll be going back to my normal way of picking games: running multiple game simulations, analyzing several advanced metrics, reading the comments sections from Bleacher Report, and then picking a name out of a hat.

Week 10 NFL Picks. Home teams in CAPS.

Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked Games:

Eagles (+1.5) over PACKERS
Brett Favre Vince Young? Tebow. Tebow Tebow Tebow. Favre Tebow Young? Jimmy Clausen.

GIANTS (-7) over Raiders
What’s weird about the Raiders/Eagles game last week is that the Raiders out-gained Philly 560-542. The 49-20 score made it looks worse than it was. Still, Oakland can’t stop the pass, and that’s the one thing New York can do. Plus playing at 10 a.m. West Coast time is a recipe for disaster.

RAVENS (+1.5) over Bengals
I can’t see Baltimore dropping three straight to division rivals, especially with Geno Atkins out for the year and the Ravens getting points at home. Then again, I’m 2-6 picking Ravens games this year. I should really stop picking Ravens games.

BEARS (+2.5) over Lions
Ryan Riess won the World Series of Poker last night in a Calvin Johnson jersey, so it looks like it’s all downhill from here for people in Lions jersey this year.

Zac Stacy

Zac Stacy is the best college running back I’ve ever seen. Of course, I’ve only seen Vanderbilt games.

Rams (+9.5) over COLTS
Despite their 6-2 record, the Colts peripherals don’t look fantastic. They’re actually being out-gained 367.3 yard to 340.9 yards, and have only two victories that would cover this 9.5 point spread. I like the Colts, but not this much.

Dunkin’ Donuts Plain Cake Games:

TITANS (-12) over Jaguars
Here is a running list of things better than the Jaguars:
1. Florida fans’ situational awareness
2. Little kid’s evasiveness skills
3. James Young’s ability to defend his own basket
4. Evan Longoria’s innovative new swing
5. David Wright’s innovative new swing
6. Prince Fielder’s ability to avoid inside pitches
7. Prince Fielders’ spacial recognition skills of where third base is
8. Prince Fielder’s ability to not resemble a bowling ball
9. Prince Fielder’s aggressiveness on defense
10. Prince Fielder’s ability to not trip over himself, kick his helmet, and then nearly remove second base

STEELERS (-3) over Bills
As mediocre as the Steelers have been, there’s just no way I’m taking Jeff Tuel with a spread less than a touchdown.

Seahawks (-8.5) over FALCONS
Seattle hasn’t have blowout wins this year except when they play a pretty bad team (Jacksonville and Arizona) or the Niners. The Falcons just might be a pretty bad team.

Cowboys (+7) over SAINTS
The Cowboys are one of my favorite teams to bet on because the lines get skewed from of the universal hatred of Tony Romo. Sure, the Saints will probably win this, but Romo’s had a very strong season and is fully capable of a backdoor cover. That’s actually not a joke.

KFC Double Down Games

Broncos (-7) over CHARGERS
Two questions from last week’s Chargers game. If Danny Woodhead was tackled millimeters from the end zone, why was the ball placed at the one-foot yard line after consulting replay? Also, why didn’t the Chargers run it four times on 1st and goal from a foot out? (Answer: Norv Turner)

Dolphins (-3) over BUCCANEERS
I think the Florida teams are trying to out-Florida each other. The Bucs have a MRSA outbreak and an insane coach who ran off their starting quarterback, the Dolphins have a noted crazy man doing all sorts of hazing and racially insensitive activities with teammates throwing blame everywhere, and the Jaguars are the Jaguars.

Redskins (-2) over VIKINGS
I don’t have any jokes for this game, so here it is: your Ain’t Nobody Got Time For That Game of the Week!

Panthers (+6) over NINERS
You may not know a single player other than Luke Kuechly on the Panthers defense, but they’ve got potentially the best front 7 in the NFL. And that’s after they traded Jon Beason. Oh, and Cam Newton is Colin Kaepernick but good.

Cook Out Drive-Thru Lock o’ the Week:

Texans (+2.5) over CARDINALS
These locks of the week make me so nervous. I’d take Texans (-2.5), so why does this feel wrong? Houston is the best team in terms of pass defense, so Arizona will have to lean on Andre Ellington and Rashard Mendenhall. And I swear Arizona isn’t good. Really.

Overall record: 61-69-3

Last week: 5-8

Apple Total: -310

Apple Total Last Week: 10

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Week 7 NFL Picks – The Broken Lock

Somehow I’m 2-4 with my Cook Out Drive-Thru Locks o’ the Week. I’d have 135 apples if I just actually got those games right. This will not do for Josiah Wedgwood.

Week 7 NFL Picks. Home teams in CAPS.

Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked Games:

I really underestimated Ryan Tannehill coming out of college.

I really underestimated Ryan Tannehill coming out of college. He’s probably the most talented Aggie in a decade, no?

Texans (+6.5) over CHIEFS
The teams Kansas City has played have a combined 9-25 record, and the Chiefs are 26th in the NFL in passing and 23rd in run defense. They’re clearly not 6-0 good.

Bills (+8) over DOLPHINS
I’m 1-0 picking for teams with a Duke quarterback, so let’s keep this train a-rollin’.

FALCONS (-7) over Buccaneers
It’s a good thing Greg Schiano dumped Josh Freeman for Mike Glennon because now Tampa’s only 32nd in the league in passing.

PANTHERS (-6.5) over Rams
The Panthers are 6th in the NFL in point differential, and the five better teams have four combined losses. Get ready for some progression to the mean. You know, unless Ron Rivera keeps coaching the way he coaches.

PACKERS (-10) over Browns
Your weekly reminder that Brandon Weeden, who celebrated his 30th birthday on Monday, is 50 days older than Aaron Rodgers.

Dunkin’ Donuts Plain Cake Games:

Bengals (+3) over LIONS
Two boring Midwestern teams? Ladies and gentlemen, your Ain’t Nobody Got Time For That Game of the Week.

Cowboys (+2.5) over EAGLES
Look, the NFC East is just really bad; they’re 3-15 in interdivision play. At this point, unless the Giants are playing, I’m probably just going to take the points and call it a day.

Vikings (+3) over GIANTS
I think picking up Peyton Hillis is considered rock bottom.

Ravens (+2) over STEELERS
This game makes really sad. Remember when this game meant deadly hits and a fierce rivalry? Remember when Ben Roethlisberger and Joe Flacco were half-way decent quarterbacks? Remember when Ray Rice was good and Pittsburgh had a running back?

Broncos (-6.5) over COLTS
I’m confused who the Colts are. Are they the team that beat Seattle and San Francisco by 26 or the team that lost to San Diego and Miami by 14? Well I know who the Broncos are, and with Von Miller back, they’re really good.

KFC Double Down Games

Chargers (-7.5) over JAGUARS
Here is a running list of things better than the Jaguars:
1. Mike Green’s checking ability
2. A two-man team of MJD and Justin Blackmon
3. Songs about Chinese Food
4. The Marlins’ innovative baserunning strategy
5. The Astros’ innovative baserunning strategy
6. JaVale McGee’s ability to hurdle opposing players
7. JaVale McGee’s three-point shooting
8. JaVale McGee’s ability to run a fast break
9. JaVale McGee’s final play as a Wizard
10. JaVale McGee’s ability to tell whether he should be on offense or defense

Patriots (-4) over JETS
I’m just going to take this time to point out how awesome Sunday night was. Tom Brady 18-yard touchdown pass with 5 seconds left. David Ortiz game-tying grand slam in the eighth inning. Yankees still owing $250 million to Alex Rodriguez, Mark Teixeira, and CC Sabathia. Boy it’s good to be from Boston.

Seahawks (-6.5) over CARDINALS
Fun fact: Tyrann Mathieu is second on the Cards in tackles (40), tied for second in interceptions (1), first in forced fumbles (1), and tied for first in tackles for a loss (4). Fun fact: Carson Palmer is still the Cardinals’ quarterback.

Niners (-4) over TITANS
There’s a good chance I’ll be working the FOX broadcast for this game, so watch out for terrible technical difficulties.

Cook Out Drive-Thru Lock o’ the Week:

Bears (+1) over REDSKINS
I’m sure I’ll get this game wrong too, but what am I missing here? Washington isn’t that good, Chicago isn’t bad at all, and Chicago is getting points. The Bears have a less polarizing name, so people are less likely to bet on them? Nobody outside of Vanderbilt likes Jay Cutler? Washington lawmakers have nothing better to do that bet on the home team since they don’t have work?

Overall record: 40-49-3

Last week: 6-9

Apple Total: -265

Apple Total Last Week: -95

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Week 6 NFL Picks – Destined For Failure

I’m back like an Atlanta first-round playoff exit. Week 5 NFL Picks. Home teams in CAPS.

Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked Games:

SEAHAWKS (-13.5) over Titans
I was looking really hard for a reason to pick the Titans +13.5, but they’re just not very good.

Saints (+2.5) over PATRIOTS
I tried looking up how often I pick against the Patriots, but my search and tag features on this website are too annoying, and I don’t feel like taking an hour to figure it out. But I’m pretty sure I’ve picked against the Pats about three times in the past year. So taking the Saints here is big.

You know your team is going places when people are clamoring for you to play T.J. Yates.

You know your team is going places when people are clamoring for you to play T.J. Yates.

Rams (+7.5) over TEXANS
Your Ain’t Nobody Got Time For That Game of the Week!

BILLS (+7.5) over Bengals
Fun fact: the Bills haven’t lost a game by more than 7 points, and the Bengals average winning margin is 7 points. Hooray for the half point!

NINERS (-11) over Cardinals
Half the games this week have a line higher than a touchdown, and I hate it.

Dunkin’ Donuts Plain Cake Games:

Eagles (-1) over BUCCANEERS
I’d just like to note that the Bucs signed Jordan Rodgers to their practice squad. Mike Glennon is their starting quarterback. Rodgers beat Glennon in the Music City Bowl last year. Go Dores.

Panthers (+2.5) over VIKINGS
The Panthers are a talented team that is poorly coached. The Vikings are an untalented team (save for AD, who apparently doesn’t like being called Purple Jesus) that is poorly coached.

Raiders (+8.5) over CHIEFS
After picking the Raiders two weeks in a row and losing, I picked against the Raiders and lost the game. #NeverForget

BROWNS (+2.5) over Lions
Does the Ewing Theory count if the player who was traded is just bad?

JETS (-2.5) over Steelers
Geno Smith is now destined for failure now, but that’s better than the Steelers, who are just currently a failure.

KFC Double Down Games

BEARS (-7.5) over Giants
At this point, there’s just no reason to pick the Giants unless the line is above 10 points. It’s almost as if Eli Manning is personally gunning for the number one pick. He’s literally on pace to set the NFL record for turnovers and only has 9 more seasons before he breaks Brett Favre’s all-time interception record!

Packers (-3) over RAVENS
Fun fact: the Packers are 5th in the NFL in rushing despite having three equally mediocre backs. Also fun fact: Aaron Rodgers is slightly better than Joe Flacco.

BRONCOS (-27.5) over Jaguars
Here is a running list of things better than the Jaguars:
1. This dude’s ability to name Pokemon
2. Craig Sager’s acid trip
3. E.J. Manuel’s And-1 football skills
4. Geno Smith’s And-1 football skills
5. The effect of rain on drunkards
6. Matt Schaub’s ability to hear
7. Matt Schaub’s jersey’s flamability
8. Matt Schaub’s fan appreciation
9. Matt Schaub’s ability to analyze plays
10. Matt Schaub’s ability to not be so bad that he gets honored with a food named after him with a negative name

COWBOYS (-5.5) over Redskins
I like The Onion.

Cook Out Drive-Thru Lock o’ the Week:

Colts (-1.5) over CHARGERS
Turns out the Colts are pretty good. They beat the Seahawks, Niners, and even the Jaguars (!!!!!). Also, the Chargers are 0-3 against non-NFC East teams.

Overall record: 34-40-3

Last week: 6-8

Apple Total: -170

Apple Total Last Week: -75

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Week 5 NFL Picks – The Hot Streak

To be perfectly honest, it hasn’t been the strongest start of the season making picks. But have no fear, we’ve been here before!

Think back to last year, when I was at -150 apples after three weeks. I was only at -145 apples after three weeks this year. I’m no mathematician, but that’s progress. Furthermore, I didn’t get out of apple debt until Week 9 last year, and I still finished with 365 apples, mostly thanks to earning 490 apples between Weeks 7 and 12.

The point of the story is don’t get worried by my tough beginning to the year. I’m on a hot streak. I got 50 apples last week.

Week 5 NFL Picks. Home teams in CAPS.

Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked Games:

Lions (+7) over PACKERS
I feel like every Packers line gets boosted a point or two because wow Aaron Rodgers is the number one fantasy QB!! Their defense is porous (5th-worst in yards per game and 6th-worst in points per game) and the offensive line is shoddy at best with Brian Bulaga out for the year. The Lions just put up 40 points on the Bears, I think they’ll be able to cover a touchdown spread.

FALCONS (-10) over Jets
For all the high hopes the Falcons had this year–I picked them to go 12-4–they’re 1-3 to start the year. No way they blow this one on Monday Night Football. Unless, you know, this game comes down to a seven-point deficit with a minute left and the Falcons have the final drive.

Saints (PK) over BEARS
The Bears are 3-15 when Jay Cutler throws multiple interceptions and 34-9 when he doesn’t. That’s not even considering his 26 fumbles in Chicago. The Saints are 5th in the NFL with 10 takeaways.

Texans (+6.5) over NINERS
San Francisco safety Donte Whitner has filed paperwork to change his last name to “Hitner” by dropping the letter W. This is not okay. Texans it is.

RAMS (-11.5) over Jaguars
Here is a running list of things better than the Jaguars:
1. Wilbur Hackett Jr.’s unbiased refereeing
2. Tyson Jackson’s belt
3. The Ravens’ special teams communication
4. Nic Cage on a wrecking ball
5. Cory Booker’s classy twitter friends
6. Jose Fernandez’s baserunning speed
7. Jose Fernandez’s ability to make batters think he’s throwing a strike
8. Jose Fernandez’s ability to not talk back to the batter
9. Jose Fernandez’s ability to stay calm
10. Jose Fernandez’s transition from Cuba to America… seriously you need to read this article right now

Dunkin’ Donuts Plain Cake Games:

Ravens (+3) over DOLPHINS
Ray Rice hasn’t had a game with more than 36 yards. I know that well as his fantasy owner. But you can’t bench him at this point; you just have to ride out playing him like I’m riding out picking these sad, sad Ravens week after week.

Chiefs (-2.5) over TITANS
I think the Alex Smith perfectly fits this Chiefs team. He’s pretty good, and you could definitely do better, but, hey, he won’t make any terrible, self-destructive mistakes.

BROWNS (-4) over Bills
The Bills aren’t beating a semi-competent team unless they get five interceptions. Brian Hoyer is more of a three-interception quarterback in my mind.

I can't believe I might regret associating with these fans.

I can’t believe I might regret associating with these fans.

Chargers (-4.5) over RAIDERS
I took the Raiders +15.5 and they lost to the Broncos by 16. I took the Raiders +3, and after going up 14-0 on the Redskins, they lost 24-14. I’m starting to question jumping on the Raiders bandwagon.

KFC Double Down Games:

Seahawks (-3) over COLTS
Is it possible that Russell Wilson could be the best QB from the 2012 draft? Nope, but his team is leagues better than Andrew Luck’s Colts.

Eagles (+2) over GIANTS
What a great excuse to post this video.

Panthers (-2) over CARDINALS
The Panthers have the 6th best DVOA in the league this year–better than the New England Patriots. That sounds crazy, but they were a DeAngelo Williams fumble away from beating the Seahawks and a terribly coached drive away from beating the Bills. They deserve a better spread than two points in Carson Palmer’s home.

Broncos (-7.5) over COWBOYS
At this point, I’m not really hesitating on Broncos lines in the single-digits. Somehow I’ve managed to pick against them three times this year and lost every one of those picks.

Cook Out Drive-Thru Lock o’ the Week:

Patriots (+1.5) over BENGALS
It’s an early Eggsmas Miracle!  Two straight Patriots games where I get points and this time they’re playing a team that couldn’t handle the Browns!

Overall record: 28-32-3

Last week: 7-7-1

Apple Total: -95

Apple Total Last Week: 50

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Week 4 NFL Picks – Below Replacement Level

I’m in debt like a recently retired athlete. Week 4 NFL Picks. Home teams in CAPS.

Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked Games:

RAIDERS (+3) over Redskins
You know what’s crazy? Terrelle Pryor looked remarkably competent last week. Put him up against the 31st ranked pass, run, and scoring defense, and he might keep it close enough to cover this spread.

Jets (+4) over TITANS
We often forget to include Jake Locker in the “athletic quarterback” group. I lump him in there because he definitely should not fall under the “good passing quarterback” heading.

SAINTS (-6.5) over Dolphins
No, this pick has nothing to do with the Dolphins ruining my Cook Out Drive-Thru Lock o’ the Week last week.

Eagles (+10.5) over BRONCOS
We’ve got the top-ranked rushing team up against the top-ranked rush defense. Chip Kelly’s high-paced offense will likely give Peyton Manning the ball for at least 60 percent of the game, which will make it tough to win, but Denver’s weak secondary should keep the Eagles within 11 points. I mean the Raiders only lost by 16. The Raiders!

Dunkin’ Donuts Plain Cake Games:

VIKINGS (+2) over Steelers
It sure is a good thing we sent our Ain’t Nobody Got Time For That Game of the Week overseas.

Bengals (-4.5) over BROWNS
Forget Brian Hoyer passing for 321 yards, he needed 54 attempts to do it, and it was on a 55.6% completion rate with three touchdowns. The Browns are in perfect position to tank, even if they beat the 0-3 Vikings.

Cowboys (-2) over CHARGERS
Hasn’t everyone been burned at least once by having Philip Rivers or Tony Romo as a fantasy quarterback?

Any guesses who these guys are? It's Brady and his top two receivers. Yep, he's got a worse receiving core than his

Any guesses who these guys are? It’s Brady and his top two receivers. Yep, he’s got a worse receiving core than his ’03 team of Deion Branch and David Givens.

Cardinals (+2.5) over BUCCANEERS
I’ve seen Mike Glennon play once, and he looked absolutely terrible against Vanderbilt in the Music City Bowl. Small sample sizes for the win!

Patriots (+2) over FALCONS
Look, I’m not one to pass up an opportunity to take the Patriots (in primetime) and get points.

KFC Double Down Games:

Niners (-3) over RAMS
Did you know that last week was the first time a Jim Harbaugh Niners team lost two games in a row? Something tells me Sam Bradford, Isaiah Pead, and Chris Givens won’t be making that three in a row.

Ravens (-3.5) over BILLS
It’s very hard to recover from losing to the Jets. The last three teams to do so lost again the next week. Also, c’mon it’s the Bills.

Bears (+3) over LIONS
Three weeks ago, I’m guessing most of you thought that Joique Bell was either a) a French artist b) an R&B singer or c) someone from the new Key & Peele East/West Bowl. Well now he’s the Lions’ leading rusher.

CHIEFS (-4) over Giants
And I thought the Panthers were in trouble last week. The Giants’ offensive line was like an accident you just can’t seem to take your eyes off, and Eli Manning was the brutal victim.

Seahawks (-3) over TEXANS
The Texans topped the 7-point mark in the first half for the first time this season, but then they forgot to score in the second half against the Ravens. Good luck against Seattle’s defense.

Cook Out Drive-Thru Lock o’ the Week:

Colts (-8.5) over JAGUARS
Here is a running list of things better than the Jaguars:
1. Rashad Johnson’s ability to flick someone off
2. Mark Richt’s ability to not be creepy and gross
3. Movies about European Gigolos
4. White girls twerking on a door
5. Miami Marlins hitters
6. Philip Rivers’ ability to throw the football forward
7. Philip Rivers’ ability to handle a snap
8. Philip Rivers’ ability to smile
9. Philip Rivers’ ability to frown
10. Philip Rivers’ ability to remember that he’s playing American football, not European football

Overall record: 21-25-2

Last week: 7-8-1

Apple Total: -145

Apple Total Last Week: -45

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Week 2 NFL Picks – Hooray For Cognitive Dissonance

I’m back like a hefty Ndamukong Suh fine. Week 2 NFL Picks. Home teams in CAPS.

Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked Games:

BENGALS (-7) over Steelers
I’m hopping on the “Steelers Are Actually A Bad Team But We’re Not Going To Fully Recognize It Until About Week 7” Bandwagon early.

Vikings (+6) over Bears
This game reminds me of something very important. Back when The Other Adrian Peterson was still playing, the best way to piss someone off was to join a mock fantasy football auction and bring up TOAP with the first bid. Some dope will inevitably blow $20 on a guy who averaged 160 yards per season over his eight-year career. Yep, that’s the kind of fun I have. Call me.

PACKERS (-7.5) over Redskins
Hearing Redskins fans boo Riley Cooper made me laugh last week.

TEXANS (-9) over Titans
Where exactly are the Titans headed? Jake Locker and his nifty 55.5% completion rate probably isn’t a long-term answer, and Chris Johnson and Kenny Britt just aren’t very good anymore. What a disaster of a team. And they beat the Steelers by 7.

Jets (+11.5) over PATRIOTS
I want with all my heart to pick the Pats, and I so desperately do not want to have to root for the Jets, but this line is too big. Rex Ryan plays New England close, who is missing Danny Amendola (get used to that) and Shane Vereen.

Dunkin’ Donuts Plain Cake Games:

RAVENS (-6.5) over Browns
What inspires this line to be so low? Was it the confidence inspired by Cleveland only losing to Miami by 13? Or their rookie head coach having formerly led the Panthers juggernaut offense? Or their blue chip running back only rushing for 47 yards?

Niners (+3) over SEAHAWKS
Anquan Boldin might be the 2007 Randy Moss of this fantasy football year. They were both formerly top-tier receivers coming off “meh” seasons who were joining new teams. Both became the #1 receiver for very good quarterbacks. Obviously Moss and Tom Brady are better than Boldin and Colin Kaepernick, but how on Earth did so many people whiff on Boldin in fantasy?

RAIDERS (-5.5) over Jaguars
Here is a running list of things better than the Jaguars:
1. Songs about days of the week
2. Dane Cook jokes just in general
3. Drinking milk outside during the summer
4. That goddamn Hump Day commercial
5. Carlos Gomez’s ability to run in from center field
6. Miguel Cabrera’s ability to stand on third base
7. Miguel Cabrera’s ability to lay off inside pitches
8. Miguel Cabrera’s ability to dance like Shakira
9. Miguel Cabrera’s ability to play nicely with little people
10. Miguel Cabrera’s ability to not drink whiskey after being pulled over by cops, ask them to “kill me,” and then spill his plans to blow up a steakhouse

EAGLES (-6.5) over Chargers
You can take the Norv off the Chargers, but you can’t take the Norv out of the Chargers. Or something like that.

FALCONS (-6.5) over Rams
Sam Bradford didn’t look bad at all last week, but he’s not going to be in charge of stopping Matt Ryan. If Steven Jackson hung onto that last-second touchdown pass against the Saints, this line is at least three points higher.

KFC Double Down Games:

Panthers (-3) over BILLS
The Panthers are so frustrating because they’re incredibly talented and terribly coached. If Mike Shula doesn’t let Cam Newton loose (he had 23 passes for 125 yards last week) against a Bills team that is probably without Jairus Byrd and Stephon Gilmore, they just won’t get anywhere this year.

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Who’s good at predicting things and has two thumbs? Call me Nostrabenmus.

COLTS (-3) over Dolphins
I guess people are impressed with beating the Browns these days. Thanks for the nice line.

Broncos (-4.5) over GIANTS
I’m just going to repost my Giants writeup from last week: Admittedly, I’ve never been a fan of the Giants, but isn’t it at least a tiny bit concerning that David Wilson is their only feature back. Dude fumbled on his second NFL carry and was promptly benched for most of the season.

Cowboys (+3) over CHIEFS
I guess people are impressed with beating the Jaguars these days. Thanks for the nice line.

Lions (-1.5) over CARDINALS
As much as Carson Palmer is an upgrade over Kevin Kolb, John Skelton, and Ryan Lindley, he’s still Carson Palmer.

Cook Out Drive-Thru Lock o’ the Week:

Saints (-3.5) over BUCCANEERS
Not only did the Bucs lose to the Jets, they let Geno Smith score with 34 seconds left in the game thanks to a late hit out of bounds. Oh, and they gave up a safety and lost by one. Drew Brees is a little better than Jets QBs.

Overall record: 5-10-1

Last week: 5-10-1

Apple Total: -55

Apple Total Last Week: -55

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The New Peyton Manning?

The first round of the playoffs went nicely for me. I’m bout to pop some tags, only got 280 apples in my pocket. Home teams in CAPS.

Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked Game:

Ravens (+10) over BRONCOS

Yes, the Broncos might be the best team in the NFL. Yes, the Broncos have one of the best home-field advantages in the NFL. Yes, the Broncos have won 11 straight games. But I’m taking the Ravens here.

Peyton Manning, as I have always said, is one of the greatest regular season quarterbacks of all-time. He has a 65.2% completion percentage with a 5.6% touchdown rate and a 2.7% interception rate, but most importantly a .688 winning percentage. Come playoff time, though, he plays much worse. His postseason record is 9-10 with a 61.2% completion percentage, 3.3% touchdown rate and 2.0% interception rate after the Wild Card round. His lone Super Bowl win came against Sexy Rexy Grossman.

Say what you want about Joe Flacco, but he’s led his team better in the playoffs historically than Peyton has. Flacco has a 6-4 record, though he should be 7-3 if not for Lee Evans’ dropped touch down in last year’s AFC Championship game.

Also, chew on this: today’s game will be sitting around 17 degrees. Could it possibly be an advantage for a 36-year old quarterback who has undergone four neck surgeries within two years and has to wear gloves for this game? Peyton is 0-3 in game under 21 degrees, and he never had to play in poor conditions when he was in Indianapolis.

Baltimore has the emotional edge with Play for Ray, and I’m not willing to give up a double-digit line to take Peyton in a cold playoff game. But I’m not sure Baltimore has enough to win.

Prediction: Broncos 24 Ravens 23

Dunkin’ Donuts Plain Cake Game:

NINERS (-3) over Packers

There’s been a lot of talk swirling lately about how not enough is being made about the Niners passing on hometown kid Aaron Rodgers for their first overall pick in 2005. Well not nearly is being made about the Niners beating down Green Bay 30-22 in Week 1–without Colin Kaepernick.

In a game of a high-powered offense against a high-powered defense, I look back to San Francisco’s Week 15 win against New England. The Patriots are better on both sides of the ball than Green Bay, and San Francisco still managed to win a shootout. One major difference, though, is that the Patriots have a strong run defense, while the Packers do not.

In order for the Packers to win this game, they’ll need to get out ahead big early on. If they grab a double-digit lead quickly, the Niners won’t be able to pound the ball against Green Bay’s weak run D. The Packers can then play more against the pass–San Fran is missing Mario Manningham–and take the Niners away from their strength on offense. But if they fall behind early, the Packers will get Gored up the middle.

Ultimately, I’m a believer in Kaepernick–3rd best QBR this year, 9th best since 2008–and I think Green Bay will have problems stopping the Smith brothers, Patrick Willis, and NaVorro Bowman. We’ve seen how this ends already.

Prediction: Niners 30 Packers 22

KFC Double Down Game:

PATRIOTS (-9.5) over Texans

Picking the Patriots in the playoffs, a specialty of mine.

How can you not love this Patriots team? They dominate point differential. They dominate turnover differential. They have the best quarterback-head coach combination in the league. They finally have a running game. Their defense looks semi-competent.

Then we have the Texans. Matt Schaub has not looked good since before Thanksgiving, and Arian Foster has had one decent game since December. The team faded down stretch worse than a 2-year old Expo marker, culminating by them losing to the Colts by 12 in Week 17 and losing their first-round bye and home field advantage. Then they barely squeaked by the lowly Bengals 19-13.

This line may seem high, but then consider that Bill Belichick had two weeks to prepare for the Texans, while Gary Kubiak had just one week to prepare for the Patriots. This is the kind of statement game the Patriots have been winning this year. Say, like, Week 14 in their 42-14 annihilation.

For the third time this year, I’ll write this paragraph: “This is going to be the game the whole NFL recognizes the Patriots as the best team in the league. And there’s nothing you can do about it.”

Prediction: Patriots 34 Texans 16

Drink Cheerwine Lock o’ the Week:

Seahawks (+2.5) over FALCONS

When is the last time there was a number one seed with less respect than the Falcons? The lack of respect is deserved (or is it that any respect is not-so-deserved?), but the point still remains. They were never that dominant, they can’t run the ball, and their defense is just suspect.

Peyton Manning's regular season vs. postseason winning percentage: .688 vs. .474. Matt Ryan's? .718 vs. .000 (0-3).

Peyton Manning’s regular season vs. postseason winning percentage: .688 vs. .474. Matt Ryan’s? .718 vs. .000 (0-3).

That said, Matt Ryan had an amazing year. He’s never been great in the playoffs, but he was great this regular season. Maybe he’s got a bit of Peyton in him, for better or for worse.

Then we have the Seahawks, a team that went under-the-radar for most of the season until the busted out 150 points over three weeks to end the season. They have no weakness, especially now that Russell Wilson has broken out as of late, notably with the long ball. And just like in the Niners/Packers game, unless the Falcons go ahead early, the Falcons are in trouble because Seahawks can just pound the ball with Marshawn Lynch against Atlanta’s weak run defense.

The biggest key to me in this game is the Seahawks cornerbacks. The main source of offense for the Falcons will be the pass–because is sure won’t come from Michael Turner–and the Seahawks have the tallest secondary in the league. Roddy White and Julio Jones measure in at 6′ and 6’3″ and use their height to leverage big plays. That won’t be the case against 6’3″ Richard Sherman and 6’4″ Brandon Browner.

If the Seahawks do, indeed, shut down Matt Ryan’s passing attack, Atlanta won’t have a chance. Honestly, I’m surprised this line is so high, and everyone should know this season is destined for a Seahawks/Packers NFC Championship game. Wait, now I messed up the other NFC pick…

Prediction: Seahawks 31 Falcons 20

Overall record: 129-124-5

Last week: 3-1

Apple Total: 280

Apple Total Last Week: 75

Categories: NFL | 1 Comment

An Apple Surplus

I finished the regular season with a winning record, but more importantly it looks this apples system is really working out. I may only have be three wins above .500, but I’m 205 apples in surplus. I can’t even count to 205. Let’s launch ourselves into the playoffs; home teams in CAPS.

Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked Game:

Colts (+7) over RAVENS

What a great matchup we have here. The Colts had the motivational edge with ChuckStrong until out of nowhere (or maybe not) Ray Lewis announces he’s retiring at the end of the season! Genius! Cancelling out some of that positive juju for the Colts.

The Colts, though, are a very strange playoff team. 22nd in rushing. 21st in pass defense. 29th in rush defense. They’re even 25th in DVOA. Then again, the Ravens haven’t been particularly spectacular this season, either; they’re not top ten in offensive or defensive passing or rushing.

This game should be great on the surface with, but I don’t think either team is that great. The Ravens have lost 4 of the last 5, and the Colts have won 5 of their last 6, but the Colts have been outscored by 30 points this season. Luck set the record for rookie passing yards but is third in the league in interceptions–although he hasn’t had one in the last three games. Ray Rice is one of the top running backs in the league, but he has 257 carries to Joe “Elite” Flacco’s 531 passing attempts.

Bottom line is that neither team is especially great, and I’m not comfortable giving up 7 points to take the Ravens. I love Andrew Luck, but I also can’t imagine a player, team, and crowd more pumped than Ray Lewis’ Baltimore Ravens.

Prediction: Ravens 23 Colts 20

Dunkin’ Donuts Plain Cake Game:

PACKERS (-7.5) over Vikings

How often do you get to see teams play two weeks in a row? The Packers were playing for home field advantage with the Vikings playing for a playoff birth last week, and Adrian Peterson happened. Clay Matthews did go out on a limb this week, though, and guaranteed that Adrian Peterson wouldn’t rush for 200 yards.

Should Adrian Peterson be the MVP? Maybe you should read The Knuckle Blog more.  http://bit.ly/UhKMmD

Should Adrian Peterson be the MVP? Maybe you should read The Knuckle Blog more. http://bit.ly/UhKMmD

The thing is, the Packers gave up 409 yards to Peterson in their two matchups this year. Green Bay is 17th in rush defense, and they can’t even stop Peterson when they know he is by far the focal point of the offense. No one has been able to. But what’s most amazing about the Vikings offense is that Peterson has out-gained Christian Ponder over the last 10 weeks. 1598 yards to 1501 yards.

But then you have the Packers. They may not have a running game, but Aaron Rodgers is miles ahead of where Christian Ponder is. Not only that, but he has more weapons with Greg Jennings, Randall Cobb, Jordy Nelson, and Jermichael Finley. Greg Jennings might not think that Lambeau Field has a home field advantage, but I can promise you that Ponder will not be good in the 25 degree weather.

As hard as it is to pick against Adrian Peterson, it’s even easier to pick against Christian Ponder. I’m not in love with the Packers against the stronger teams of the NFC, but what are the Vikings going to do when they fall behind Green Bay by double digits early in the game?

Prediction: Packers 31 Vikings 17

KFC Double Down Game:

TEXANS (-4) over Bengals

Five weeks ago this line would have looked very different. The Texans were 11-1 and the Bengals were 7-5. Arian Foster started to look more like DeShaun Foster, and Matt Schaub looked more like Charles Schwab. Then again, the Bengals are ran by Andy Dalton.

This line seems a bit low to me. The Texans have far and away more talent, but they haven’t been able to put it all together down the stretch. Andy Dalton is good enough to take his team to the playoffs, but he leaves too many plays on the field.

I’m going to make this simple. The Texans are just much better than the Bengals. Geno Atkins is a very good defensive lineman, but he’s no J.J. Watt. BenJarvus Green-Ellis is serviceable, but he doesn’t compare to the combo of Foster and Ben Tate. This won’t been too close.

Prediction: Texans 24 Bengals 13

Drink Cheerwine Lock o’ the Week:

Seahawks (-3) over REDSKINS

People keep saying this game is about Russell Wilson vs. RG3. But it’s not. It’s about the defenses.

The Seahawks come into the playoffs as the only team that is top-5 in offensive, defensive, and special teams DVOA. Marshawn Lynch has been sensational for the second year in a row, and Russell Wilson has become one of the best deep-ball throwers in the league, tops in passing touchdowns of over 20 yards.

More importantly is their defense, which allows almost 2 less points per game than any other team. They’ve given up more than 20 points just three times this season. Washington’s D, on the other hand, allows the 11th most points and 3rd most passing yards in the league. Seattle is winning without Russell Wilson being an elite quarterback, but if DeAngelo Hall and crew allow him to tread on that territory, this game may not be close.

Yes, the Seahawks haven’t been great on the road this year, but they’ve been the best team in the league in the last five games, out-scoring their opponents 193-60. Vegas is having a tough time giving lines for the Seahawks because they were so average early on this season and because their offense doesn’t have any big names.

But make no mistake. Seattle is one of the most dangerous teams in the playoffs.

Prediction: Seahawks 34 Redskins 16

Overall record: 126-123-5

Last week: 8-8

Apple Total: 205

Apple Total Last Week: -75

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Of the Panthers, Kelly, and AD

Watching the end of the season, you’d think the Panthers were a playoff team. The team finished 5-1. Cam Newton averaged over 245 yards per game plus another 58 on the ground with 14 total touchdowns and just two interceptions. They outscored opponents 173-120 and dominated the turnover battle 8-4. For the second straight year, the Panthers finished the last six games of the season strong.

But then there’s the matter of the first ten games of the year.

In both seasons under coach Ron Rivera and Cam Newton, the Panthers started the year 2-8. This season, they were outscored 184-243 in the first 10 games with a -3 turnover margin. Cam Newton only had 13 touchdowns to 10 interceptions with 8 fumbles to boot. In the first ten games, the Panthers looked more like the Charlotte Bobcats than anything else.

The good thing about being really bad, though, is landing a high draft pick. After ten games, the Panthers were on pace for just over three wins, which would have been good for the third overall pick in the draft. Instead, Carolina turned on the jets about ten games too late to finish the season 7-9, earning them the 14th pick in the draft.

The Panthers won’t be drafting a Star this year third overall. They’re going to be drafting a middling first-round talent–and still be out of the playoffs.

Then comes the matter of head coaching. The day after the end of the regular season, seven head coaches were fired (meaning 2012 NFL head coaches still have a lower unemployment rate than Greece). Ron Rivera wasn’t one of them, but according to Adam Schefter, Rivera will meet with owner Jerry Richardson to discuss his future.

It’s hard to say whether Rivera deserves to be fired or deserves another year. Or whether deserving even matters. At times, Rivera’s teams have looked like playoff contenders–the fact that the team ended 4-2 last year probably encouraged Ryan Kalil to pay for this infamous full-page newspaper ad. But during far too much of his tenure, Rivera has led listless players with terrible clock management and underwhelming enthusiasm.

But no matter how well Rivera’s two campaigns have gone, I believe there is a far superior option on the market, which is reason enough to let Rivera go. I’m talking about Chip Kelly, Oregon head coach.

People have said that Oregon’s fast-paced offense wouldn’t work in the NFL. People also said that Robert Griffin III’s pistol formation-centered offense wouldn’t work. That Russell Wilson wasn’t good enough to start in the pros. That Cam Newton couldn’t run the option. That trio seems to be working out well, and the Patriots seem to be doing just fine with their fast-paced, no-huddle offense.

The key in the NFL is innovation. The Dolphins turned around their 0-16 franchise the following year largely thanks to their baffling wildcat offense. At the very least, successful NFL teams don’t maintain status quo. Keeping Ron Rivera signals just that–status quo and a lack of innovation.

Chip Kelly nearly took the Tampa Bay Buccaneers head coach job last year but turned them down at the last minute because he had “some unfinished business at the University of Oregon.” Of course, Kelly isn’t playing for the National Championship on the 7th, but he made another great run this year, falling one game short. And the Panthers also represent the best fit for him with a potential head coach opening–maybe the best fit among all NFL teams.

If he joined the Panthers, Kelly would have his athletic quarterback in Newton, a bevy of runningbacks in DeAngelo Williams, Jonathan Stewart, and Mike Tolbert, and athletic receivers in Steve Smith and Greg Olsen. It’s like Kelly would get an upgraded Marcus Mariota, Kenjon Barner, De’Anthony Thomas, and Josh Huff.

Of course, not all of the blame for the Panthers’ shortcomings falls on Rivera’s shoulders. Hell, now ex-GM Marty Hurney locked up the core of a 1-15 team, highlighted by giving Charles Johnson, who has never made a Pro Bowl, $72 million. Not only that, but he invested $89.5 million into three running backs ($48.2 million guaranteed) in a league that is trending towards aerial dominance. Just look at the leaders in Total QBR: Peyton Manning, Tom Brady, Colin Kaepernick, Matt Ryan, Aaron Rodgers, Robert Griffin III, Alex Smith, and Russell Wilson. What do they all have in common? They’re all in the playoffs.

The Panthers ate up their cap space with three running backs, none of which are truly exceptional. And since all three need carries (along with Newton), the Panthers cannot maximize any of their values. Although it’s nice to have that flexibility, we’ve seen how replaceable these backs are through the draft for cheap. Among 1000 yard rushers this season, 10 of the 16 were drafted after the first round. Ray Rice and Matt Forte were nabbed in the 2nd round, Jamaal Charles, Stevan Ridley, Frank Gore, and Shonn Greene were taken in the 3rd, Alfred Morris was drafted in the 6th, Ahmad Bradshaw was swiped up in the 7th, and Arian Foster and BenJarvus Green-Ellis went undrafted. The Panthers would have been better off just investing all their money in one elite back like Adrian Peterson or retooling through the draft.

But an Adrian Peterson is hard to find. All Day had one of the most impressive seasons ever–one that should earn him the MVP. Peterson fell nine yards short of Eric Dickerson’s all-time single-season rushing record of 2105 yards–never mind that O.J. Simpson ran for 2003 yards in a 14-game season, which extrapolates to 2289 yards over a 16-game season. And Peterson did all of this on an offense with no other weapons. Christian Ponder was 25th in passing, and Percy Harvin was the leading receiver at 677 yards, good for 60th in the league.

Adrian Peterson's real value came this year during his appearance on FX's The League.

Adrian Peterson’s real value came this year during his appearance on FX’s The League.

Opposing teams put eight and nine men in the box to stop Peterson, and they still couldn’t stop him. Not that it really impacts his overall value, but Peterson did this coming off surgery to repair a torn ACL and MCL at the end of the 2011 season. Peterson just put the team on his back (doe) and led his team to a 10-6 record.

To me, Peterson is the MVP because of how well he produced and how little help he got from his teammates. Not everyone shares this opinion, and that’s fine for the most part, since other players like Peyton Manning (who had his own miraculous comeback) and Tom Brady has incredible seasons. But I do have a problems with people thinking Peterson is not the MVP because of nine yards.

In 2011, the NL MVP race was very tight between Ryan Braun and Matt Kemp. Both had outstanding, very similar seasons (a .324/.399/.586 line for Kemp and a .332/.397/.597 line for Braun although Kemp had a big edge in WAR at 8.8 to 7.6), but Kemp finished with 40 steals and just 39 home runs. Kemp lost the award because he didn’t quite have a 40-40 season. One fly ball fell short. One moonshot curved the wrong way around the foul pole. Because Kemp fell inches short of a arbitrary milestone, he lost out on the MVP, despite having superior overall numbers to Braun.

If Kemp hit one more home run two years ago, he wouldn’t have drastically changed the Dodgers’ season trajectory. But suddenly one home run drastically changes his perceived value? That doesn’t make sense.

I pray that this isn’t the case for Peterson. If Peterson had rushed for 9 more yards, the Vikings’ season wouldn’t have changed much. But does one broken tackle, one mistaken step out of bounds, one holding penalty negating a rush suddenly make is case much stronger for MVP? No, it doesn’t. A 0.4% increase in rushing yards is such minute increase in value. It’s just maddening to think Peterson may lose out because his incredible season was 99.6% as impressive as a man who played 28 years ago.

Chew on this: would Peterson have a stronger case for MVP if Blair Walsh missed the game-winning field goal as time expired, Peterson rushed for 10 yards in overtime, and the Vikings lost, missing the playoffs? Hey, he would’ve broken Dickerson’s record.

If Peyton Manning ends up winning the MVP, that’s totally fine by me. But the deciding factor cannot be those nine yards. Peterson is either the MVP with or without those nine yards and the record or someone else is the MVP. Nine yards doesn’t make a difference over a full season.

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